There are times in life when you ask for an answer, to decide your moves forward, and instead of “yes” or “no” you receive “on”. Which could be a “no”, but reversed. Why wasn’t a “sey”, nevertheless?

Today I replaced the second cigarette from the afternoon with a xxl fruit salad. I smoked 10 cigarettes in 4 consecutive days, a personal record! I was feeling very sick, to keep experimenting on myself, in the search of answers. Yet, I did receive a kind of positive answer while with the salad between me and the monitor full of numbers.. I’m a bit sad, as I had times when I could get to “that place” on my own… anyway, I’m sure I’ll find my balance again. Someday. In a way or another….

Now I think I do understand the “On” thing… sometimes is not an in-line answer that we need, but a way to gain a broader perspective. Sometimes I admit it, I do lose myself in details. Probably because I am trying to do so many things at once. Yet, I have times when I love myself due to the wise things that come out of my mouth when I’m challenged.

Life is nice in paradise. But I need to get someone out of my head (that it’s really torturing me with negative karma) and I have no idea how… someone who seems to be caring about me more than I think I need to be cared about. If only she will learn to write everything down and give all those thoughts to me at the end of the day… just so I’ll have the FREE WILL to defend myself from all that “spiritually imature way of loving”.

And for the record, for all those trying to make me think positive: I did it once., for the first time. It felt in heaven for many months. But then, I got hurt very badly, because I was positive… in a wrong direction.

Now I only think. And see what I’ve created behind me.