It took me a while to understand what this really means, with reference to the advice to “let it go and move on”… 2 days ago, perhaps as a divine response to my previous blog post, I received some emails from one social-dating-matrimonial-network with name of feelings , which made me realize about some bridges that I still own without even being aware of.

I remember I made an account there more than 1 year ago, just so I could meet new people and.. who knows… more. I wanted someone slightly older than me, athletic, blond with blue eyes, fire or air sign, who has a stable job with salary at least as much as me, license and master degrees, who speaks English, German and Spanish.

The thing is, they automatically renewed my premium subscription, without me having to do not even a click, which made me angry and scared, at the same time, because it is a big problem of privacy, aside from taking money from your account without you being aware of it.

Anyway, 1 day later problem was solved, I got a message from their support team with confirmation that the payment was reversed and I got my money back. And I deleted the account completely, because I found exactly what I was looking for, even a lot more than I hoped it can be possible to have, outside of it.

Someone told me once, more in a joke, that I have problems taking decisions. Most of the times is not true, but when it is, it’s excruciatingly confusing. But what seems to bring some light into it is taking a step back and postponing a little, at least as much as both (all) options are still available.

The thing is, on May 14th I bought my flights for Nice. On May 15th, after a lot of struggle I finally booked the accommodation, I’m going there between the 17th and 20th of June. I chose these dates of vacation depending exclusively on my deadlines at work. The problem now is that I’m starting to loose the mood, little by little, to go in that place, as other options of spending a quality time appear on the horizon. Still, I bought the flights, I booked accommodation. Plus a lot of other things which prevent me from doing what I would really want to do If I wouldn’t have to care about anyone and anything.

I booked a bed in a 5 beds female dorm in Villa Saint-Exupéry Gardens. I took this because it was the best option in ratings price-quality-facilities. The thing is that now I don’t seem to be in peace anymore with the_other_4 beds_thing and with the thing that the place is quite far from the beach, even if they say they provide free shuttle until the tram line. I would only have to pay around 70 euro for 3 nights here, breakfast included.

But somehow I got to find this new one, Hostel Pastoral, a lot closer to the beach, also breakfast included. But single room this time, yet I would have to pay 144 euro for 3 nights here. As in, 2 times more that the current reservation. The thing is, I cannot decide to change/cancel the first reservation and to book this new one. It doesn’t work, each time I’m just 1 button away to confirm it, I just happen to close the page instead of going forward.

Why is my future that much unstable??!! Damn responsibilities… I need some advice/coaching/help with this decision. Mostly because in the actual circumstances – after what I dreamed during the past week – what I would really want to do, is to screw with everything and go to Bucharest, instead of Nice, which would mean, buying a new ticket. But, in the same time, putting together what happened before or, better to say, what never happened before, I’m not sure that this would help either. Is there the dream world big enough to solve me this emotional paradox and facilitate communication between disjunctive entities?!

But you know what sucks even more? That I had some hopes that going to “Monte Carlo” would get me out of this mess. Anyway, I think now that a solution would be for Nice to have some piaz…. No!!! I cannot go on that dreaming road anymore! It would not help, everything is completely futile now. In general, it’s like I’m living in a bad dream and nobody wants to wake me up, because nobody understands why I’m still not completely satisfied with the life I’m having now.

… there in 2115…

… but I was stubborn, like usual, I didn’t want to give up on it until I was 100% sure that there is nothing left to do. I came back on Earth knowing that I can move it, doing my best, opening portals of ascension… I wish I could see what is beyond that long high rocket, though. On the left side of the black fence, which keeps aside all those black sheep and guardian dogs.

I used to be a black sheep too, but I had the courage to turn over and to acknowledge the wonderful blue sky and the amazingly tasty green fresh grass. And the white-yellowish high rocket. I looked all around it, I raised my eyes up studying it, but until now I wasn’t really able to reach its top. Not even with my eyesight…

They told me I should let it go and move on, yet, for a long time I couldn’t believe this will really help me. But now I can. And continuing going along, jumping around the fresh green grass, I climb mountains high and high and jump over streams of clear sparkling water. I see high pin tress and the sun shining all over me.

And if I look back, towards the place where I gave up being the black sheep, I see the rocket which will always remind me of my change, standing for eternity as to testify my turning point.

Oh no!! there is some steam getting out from the rocket, I can see it from the distance. Does this mean I should go back, to try to help? Perhaps the rocket wants to fly again, reach its galactic core. I see no impediment in going back, nothing is really keeping me here, just that I’m scared. I’m scared to go down, I don’t know how the other sheep and the black dogs will react if they will sense my presence.

Yet the rocket, the more I’m focused into it. it looks like it is turning pink. Or blue! Funny, The rocket is changing colors just as fast I can imagine a color. But it never disappears. It can turn from opaque white until translucent, blending into the color of the grass and the sky, but that’s when it’s presence is even more penetrating.

Ok, I stop this now, until I get to the 50th shade of… the galaxy.

I guess I found my imaginary circumstances, even if I was not searching for them directly. Last night I dreamed I was embarking in a small plane, with a bunch of close friends and my family and we were about to fly to Stockholm.

I have no idea why there… or maybe I do: I got obsessed by this city since I found out that it has 18,5 hours of daylight in the summer and I am desperate about light lately. Even here in Prague, the difference is of 1 more hour of daylight than in Bucharest, but I can really sense it.

Anyway, as we were flying, it seemed that the plane didn’t have a roof, just as a convertible car. And at some point we travelled through some very lovely place where there were colored balloons just flying around, in the air, drawn down by some lovely colored ribbons. They were so nice!! And I was struggling to catch as many as I could, grabbing them by the ribbon, without losing the balance and falling down from the plane. I guess I got around 3-4 in the end.

What else?… I don’t really like one of my current transits, the Mars conjunct Chiron+Moon. because it seems I’m taking things way more personally lately… And also the Mercury-Venus-Jupiter transiting the 8th house, opposite my Jupiter-Sun-Neptune from 2nd, is bringing some very interesting vibes also. It makes me feel so smart and so up-to-the-point, just ready to fight for my territory in this world. In the end, everyone cares only about himself.

Another sweet thing, from June 26th until July 20th, Mercury will go retrograde, from the 9th house, back into the 8th. It should be a quite interesting period with a lot of inevitable events to happen. When, after I have taken a good share of the big picture’s perspective, now I’m returned to see which are the details that I missed and will need to be adjusted until the real adventure. Which makes me realize that some things in life don’t come when you are ready for them, but when the others are ready to give them to you… so there is no point in fighting anymore, burnings things down and taking hostages, because the white flags will rise themselves up eventually, when the right time will come.

Is the magical expression that sometimes ends the relationship. Because some things are not to be said, but to be felt. And transmitted back, without words.

I’m sorry. But now I have one reality to come back to, which makes it quite frustrating. Why is it that each time I start dreaming and I embody the new fresh energy I loose the responsibilities of the present? Shouldn’t this be the other way around? The fresh energy to help you achieve your plans faster and easier?! In my case it seems it’s just pulling me apart from them.

Where is it that I am destined to arrive? There are times when I want so much to just say “fuck off and leave me alone”… But I cannot do it, because by getting angry I will hurt only myself.

Btw, I have such an appetite for breaking the rules, without actually braking them. I mean, let’s set some newer and higher imaginary circumstances. Let’s set a new dream. Remember Lilith? Do you?? Chiron? I would’ve wished to be the one to burst into tears, last night, honestly, I miss it so much, but I don’t have the time to do it.

Yet now that I keep putting energy into it, I realize that people who believe in destiny are only the lazy ones who don’t fight for themselves. The best part is when we learn how to understand it and push for it to happen instead of waiting. But I think I already wrote about this, sometimes before..

So let’s move this on the dream world, it’s too late now. Everyone is invited. See you on cloud 7 or 8. Cloud 9 is busy by default.

Usually when I go for a trip in a place I don’t know, with the map in front, or even without it, I keep on walking apart from the main point for the half of the time. So far it didn’t happen to find myself unable to arrive back using the other half of the time..

The bad part is that I went too far this time, that far that there is no main point anymore… as if Earth got away from its orbit around the Sun, gravitating now directly around the Vega.. or around some other enormous star which holds the Sun into its orbit..

Yet there is no such thing as a higher octave of Jupiter. Yet. Let alone… to be retrograde… I’m not able to understand how this could work out right. But who cares, I’m in the week where I don’t have to try to understand And who knows, maybe there is some level where the Earth is the equal of the Sun.

I was thinking all the way home, from Strossmayerovo náměstí, in the tram 5, then in the metro from Náměstí Republiky until Nové Butovice, then in bus 164, which should be the best way to write about this exercise that I have to practice for this week, from my acting class: to stop trying to understand.

Is it really such thing possible? Living without trying to understand?! For the past years the ability to understand got to be my most valuable asset, where I got to understand almost everything.

How could I live from now on? What should I do if not to understand? Should I just say “I don’t understand” even before trying to do so? If I’ll say that, which would be the consequence? Is it allowed to say “I don’t understand” in all sectors of my life?

Actually this may be a very interesting challenge Maybe I will get to discover parts of myself I wasn’t aware about before. Maybe I will get to discover parts of other people I wasn’t aware about before…

There are (other) times in life when you are faced to accept that people you once considered perfect – because you were not able to find them any flaws - people you admired that much until the point of sanctification, creating your whole life path with them in the centre… are not more than just people.

And maybe even with a lower degree of expertise in the field you are meant to grow. What I’m saying is that there are times in life when your paradigm has to change, just because the potential of the people’s reinventing themselves with the purpose of inspiring you already got to the peak.

So what you actually do in this situation? You keep on being a teacher, promoting what you learned at your point, even if the channel used for transmitting may not be available to be opened anymore? You decide to go in a different place and find other hungry students eager to tune in to your channel and keep feeding your self-esteem… as a teacher? Or you adjust your own channel for transmitting, to a more suitable frequency (and bandwidth) so you can affect also the new students and the first people in the question ?!

Now that I finished the introduction… what is really bothering me is that I never knew when/what was the optimum level of concentration required for me to invest in that relationship. Which were the real (needed) expectations… There were always too many ways to choose from and I was not able to grasp the long-term one. But is doesn’t matter anymore, because I know which is the optimum level of concentration required to keep my actual one.

Which reminds me that I wrote yet another useless post, with knowledge channeled from sources way higher than me, knowledge that I’m not even sure I can integrate, in order to increase my productive capacity… Shortly: yet another hour invested from my actual productive time into simply spoiling the goose.

Nevertheless, just as much as it may go for improving my english language writing skills, it may worth it. Though, I may be even more effective if I would struggle into learning something new, instead of wasting my energy into some endeavour already included in my comfort zone…

But is it really the purpose of one’s reinventing himself only his own self-centered evolution? I’m too tired to continue this and I’m really sad that I forgot even that useful thing I wanted to write…

Long time since I didn’t write about my dreams. My sleeping-dreams. Last night I had the most vivid dream_within_a_dream experience. And it’s kinda scary when this happens..

But first I dreamed about me walking on a long road, step by step and all of a sudden when I’m putting the foot down for a new step I’m falling. Just like walking on the venetian alleys, which, from nowhere, between the buildings, they were ending.. in the water. Long time since I didn’t have this kinda of experiences.

Btw, I read in some article on the internet that when one experiences dreams of falling, it may be that one may have heart problems. Even more meaningful for a person whose usual dreams are controlled flying, like me. It could be true because during the fitness tests in the gym I was getting to a very high pulse rate quite fast: like 170 only after 2 minutes of running at 7.8 speed, which I think it’s quite dangerous for a 29 years old woman.. So I should ask my practitioner..

But the thing is, last night I didn’t fall all down, when I put the foot, it was just like being on a stair and going down a step. Still, I woke up worried. If it’s not my heart could be my lungs.. I do have a history of experiencing a series of weird dreams before being put in medical leave with antibiotics for couching…

Ok, now back to the strawberries.

So I remember I wanted to buy a pound of strawberries, I have no idea for what and I had in my hand a bill of 289 czech crowns. It didn’t seem weird at that time to pay that much money for just a pound of strawberries, the weird part was the name of the supplier… Anyway, when I realised that even after paying that big amount of money I was left only with a quarter of a strawberry, it was kinda when I woke up into the main dream.

I looked on the table and there were no bills and no strawberries and it made me feel more comfortable. I was cheated, but it was just a bad dream within another dream, the one where I was explaining to myself that the dreams that I have could indicate the beginning of a sick period.

OMG, I simply love this acting class in English!!!

It inspires me to pursue trains of thoughts and emotional behaviours that no one in my life before had the knowledge, skill and desire to do it.

So, to put it short: I am now in the quest for my highest mountain, with the purpose of laying a very firm foundation.. as part of The transformative process capable of making me an optimized-interdependent being.*

*(C) 2013 The name of my 3rd book. After “Everyone is a time traveller” and “Alice in Romania”… projects that I unfortunately had to abandon, in 2008, because they were part of a stupid repetition based on too many imaginary circumstances.