Baby things we never used

The absolute first thing I bought (ordered on amazon.de) when I was still in the first trimester, was the Miracle Blanket, that was on the list I received from a coleague from work. Baby never used it and it wasn’t that cheap.. I tried to put her in it while still in maternity, she was crying sooo bad, that holding her arms restrained like that was even more terror. I guess some babies like to be swadled, some not. We did use 3 different sleeping bags, one of them, size 70, retired last week, as she couldn’t move her legs that much into it anymore.

Mine was never swadled, she liked having her arms free all the time, at around 1 month she discovered she can suck her tumb. So that was it, another thing she never used was the Pacifier.

Another thing she never used was the manual Breastpump. I mean, I used it one time, when we got home with her, but she didn’t get to drink that milk, as she started latching properly from the minute we got home. I was given an electrical one in maternity to stimulate the lactation, as she was having a bit of jaundice and she was falling asleep almost instantly, as I was putting her.

And then at around her 4th month I tried using it because I had to train her for bottle, for that time when I had to do my exam. But when I noticed it took me 20 min to extract barely 20 ml, I gave up and I started training her on formula. The max formula she got in a day was 120 ml, I was giving her 1/2 portion for lunch, until she started solids.

Now, regarding the formula, another thing she never used was a box of Hipp Combiotic 1, that I bought in the way home with her from maternity, just in case we would still have problems and she would not drink. So I had to throw it, as I got to open it and it expired.

Other things she never used were two back supports I bought for her baby tub. I don’t know why I bought them, because I always bathed her holding her properly over my left arm.

Other things I never used were the tons of clothes. I mean, swadle clothes, burping clothes etc. She was using them a lot in the first months, but I was also doing her laundry two times per week so we had enough to rotate, some are still in the box.

Now, still at the bath, other thing that she never used were the Inside Baby Caps, like after the bath. We bought 2 newborn ones and around 3 more later on, but she never needed them. When she had the biggest hair so far, at around 3 months, it was already full summer. And then she started to lose her newborn hair so no need either. And now that her hair is back she is grown enough to pull it out from her head.

As for newborn clothes, even if she had 48 cm at birth, she had a big belly, so all newborn size 50 clothes I bought her were too small (two pajama onesies and one newborn full set, another newborn full set she wore just only one time, when we brought her home from maternity). What she wore the most were size 56 and 62. We had a set of 5 footed pants size 62 that she wore from birth until about one week ago, when I was finally emotionally ready to let them go and buy her new footed pants.

That’s about it for now, I will add more as I remember, she just woke up, we go for lunch.

6 luni și 3 săptămâni de mămicie

Când bebe începe să te facă să râzi, mai mult decât plange ea, înseamnă că ai reușit. 🙂

În ultimele 3 luni a plâns doar la vizitele la pediatru. La 4 și la 5 luni am avut vaccin, iar la 6 luni a plâns de teamă, probabil, când s-a văzut goală, pe masa de examinat. Pediatra e foarte drăguță, calmă și răbdătoare, poate și-a adus aminte de dățile trecute, când avea vaccin.

La băiță nu a plâns niciodată. Mai plângea câteodată, în prima lună, imediat după ce o scoteam, poate îi era rece prosopul. Apoi a venit vara.. am avut nopți, în care dormeam cu geamul de la baie deschis, și tot erau 26 de grade în dormitor.

De mâncat să zicem că mâncăm cam 80-90 de grame de mâncărică (legume, orez/paste, cărniță). De câteva zile am început și o a doua masă, de piure de fructe. Aici avem și mai mult succes. Și țin să adaug ceva, acum nici nu știu cum mă mai simt în privința asta…

Îmi aduc aminte, când nici nu eram însărcinată, că susțineam sus și tare că eu o să-i gătesc în fiecare zi, nu o să-i dau mâncărică de la borcănel. Sau că o să-i dau bucăți etc etc..

Mda.. Bebe e cam mititică. Abia dublase greutatea de la naștere la 6 luni și două săptămâni, cu toate că începusem să-i dau să guste piure de legume cu o săptămămână înainte să împlinească 6 luni. Bucățele, nicio șansă de la început.

Abia acum să zicem că a reușit să înțeleagă ce e aia bucățică și ce trebuie să facă cu ea, deși fructe tot nu am curaj să-i dau bucăți. Au mare succes punguțele bio de piure de fructe, poate să le țină singură în mânuțe și știe cum să tragă din ele.

Stă destul de bine în funduleț, dacă îi dau eu mâinile să se ridice ținându-se de mine, stă 5 minute fără probleme. Pe burtică stă și câte jumătate de oră dacă are ce să facă. Încă nu se rostogolește singură, din proprie înițiativă, dar e necesar doar să o ating un pic pe lateral și apoi știe ce are de făcut.

A început să țipe. Țipăt de bucurie. Cel mai tare îmi țipă în urechi când o gâdil și mă fac că o pap de burtică. De vorbit încă nu zice m sau t, dar zice constant ne-ne-ne și ga-ghe-gu, uneori chiar ai impresia că a zis un cuvânt, deși nu am înțeles ce.

De dormit doarme foarte bine noaptea. De pe la șase săptămâni doarme 12-13 ore pe noapte, cu 2 sau 3 treziri de maxim 20 min pentru papani. Așa îi spunem noi la țiți. 😀 A avut o ușoară regresie, pe la 4 luni, când se trezea la 4:30 – 5:00 și nu mai adormea până la 8-9 și nici în timpul zilei nu prea mai dormea. Acum doarme 2 serii de câte 1.5-2 ore, dacă nu e deranjată, primul somn de pe la 9 – 9:30 și al doilea după masa de prânz.

Are o fascinație cu etichetele, dar probabil așa sunt toți bebelușii. I-am cumpărat o păpușică Elsa de pluș, îi place mult de ea, dar parcă tot eticheta e mai gustoasă.

Îi place la cumpărături și în mall. E cea mai fericită. În scoică mai plângea uneori, la început, când mergeam mai mult de 30 min fără oprire, cred că cel mai probabil din cauză că transpira. Și era și mai complicat, că cică bebelușilor mici nu ai voie să le dai apă.. așa că opream des pentru alăptat. Cred că de vreo trei ori am plecat așa pe distanțe mai mari, de două ori am făcut câte o vizită de o zi la tabăra de yoga, iar o dată am fost în Brno, pentru examenul meu.

Acum câteva zile am lăsat-o să îl mângâie pe Bonnie pe cap. Mult zis, mângâiat, ea de fapt îl trăgea de urechi. Și cățelul era așa de cuminte..

Ieri am dat-o în leagăn. Ne-a dus Leo la plimbare, circuit de testat stația de radio pe dealurile din jurul orașului, și am găsit un parc cu legănuș pentru bebeluși. La noi la Oleșna nu am dus-o încă în zona de joacă pentru copii, pentru ca mi-era teamă să nu ia vreun virus ceva. De acum încolo cred că o să o duc, că la zero grade, noaptea, nu mai rezistă virușii pe leagăne și nu mai sunt nici așa mulți copii în timpul zilei. Sper.

Iarna nu pare că vrea să vină încă, la noi sunt anunțate 10-11 grade azi, iar ieri dupa prânz, au fost chiar 15 și era soare, doar că bătea un vânt cam rece.

Atât pentru azi. Mă duc să întind rufele, cât mai doarme bebe. Și apoi poate mai am timp să mă joc un pic cu fișierele .csv, cu rezultatele parțiale de la alegerile prezidențiale. Și încet-încet ar cam trebui să mă apuc din nou de învățat, dacă vreau să dau F9 în Martie, abia am citit vreo 65% din materie, am abandonat învățatul de o lună, de când m-am apucat de campania electorală.

S-a trezit bebe. 😀 Mă duc totuși să întind rufele, cât e ocupată cu eticheta Elsei. Voiam să scriu mai multe, dar o să fac un post diferit.

It’s still a beautiful day!

God, I love you so much right now 🙂 Because you showed me, thousand years ago, things I need to know now, to express correctly how I feel and what I want to achieve.

Mercury Retrograde, in Scorpio, is currently transiting conjunct my Ascendant+Venus+Saturn. Challenging times 🙂

That’s it. Basically I only wanted to say Thank you.

Thank you for sending me on this planet exactly when and where you sent me, so I can make my difference!

“Touch me, take me to that other place /
Teach me, I know I’m not a hopeless case”

You are what you leave behind

Some say we are our thoughts, our choices or our knowledge.. Our possessions or our memories. Or our name.

From all I learned in this life so far, I believe we are what we leave behind. And I do want to leave something behind and to change the world for the better, as better as I can, day by day.

As for leaving behind, if you look at it from the cosmo perspective, we are the worst species the Earth has ever had. But that’s a different story, and you know it well, Greta can provide more details about it.

What I’m trying to write now is addressing the individual level.

The world has changed, the way we interact with eachother has changed. The generations have changed. Absolutely everything you post online may come under scrutinity and may be used against you. Each dialogue you have online can be seen and judged by many others, some will resonate with your opinion, some will not.

So, do your best each time and, with each critique you receive, you have the opportunity to learn something new and to grow. Don’t let yourself swim in the same water for years. You will end up being 60+, wrinkled and bitter. Literally.

Yeah. I received a comment in a group, that left me a bit disturbed. It’s fine, I was expecting to meet also haters. But this doesn’t mean that I also have to accept their negative energy.

But there was a part that I’d like to expand. I was argued that I write too much and I’m not “putting my shoulder to hard work”, to do something useful, aligned with the direction of the group. Among other things, that, for my own sanity, I prefered to ignore. But I am putting my shoulder to work, the intelectual one! And it’s employing much more energy than the physical one. It’s ok, the world is big enough for everyone, we don’t need to tread on each other’s toes.

I know my value. It took me a lot to learn it. I’m very creative and I cannot keep it just for myself and I do my best to wrap it in a clean form. And I also know what I still need to learn. And what I am meant to leave behind. And it’s spreading to various fields and domains. I know why I chose to be part of that group and I know that my input is appreciated by those who need it.

I also appreciate very much when somebody is showing me my mistakes on spot, but when you say I made a mistake and you don’t tell me what was it, is the opposite of what I’m doing.

What he did was not helping, it was just spreading hate. This is how I see it. And it’s fine, I don’t need to be liked by everyone. So I made him a huge favor and I blocked him. If he cannot control himself to ignore what I write, I decided to spare him the missery. Now he has more time “for his job and his family” and to employ his shoulder to do his hard work without being disturbed by my “too much” and “too correct” input (the last part I added myself, to portay also the envy I received).

Fair enough? It was clearly a dissonant encounter, why torture ourselves trying to achieve balance?! And I saw what he recently left behind also, nothing useful for me to learn from. At least not on this development path that I am now.

I do my best to be true to myself. Is not always easy, because I’m constantly being influenced by the people I love. I change and I admit it only when I want to and only if I really need to. Which makes me think, next time I will receive a disturbing comment, I will use this line: “and what did you intend to achieve with this comment?”, to save me of writing another blog post.

Another thing, saying to someone that their question is stupid or cretin is not making you score more points, on the contrary, it shows how rigid and limited You are. All opinions should be encouraged. You never know what new things you may learn.

Helping someone to learn something new – like the proper way to spell in their native language – is a good enough reason for me to continue. There are many ways to serve your country and everybody has the right to express their own opinion, as long as it stays within the limits stated by the Constitution.

And to conclude, I love this definition of Stupidity: “causing harm to yourself or to others, for no reason”. Is this an insult? Is not, if it’s the truth.

Mic drop.

In whisper, while leaving the scene: I joke only with the people I love. For everything else that doesn’t make sense, there is a block button. You should try it sometimes.

Baptism, czeched! :D

This week we had mom and dad over. I studied exactly 1 page :))

Yesterday we decided to unfreeze and clean the freezer.. We ended up turning upside down all living room and adiacent storage room.. We worked like crazy.. Now I have both the treadmill and the couch in the room. But this means I have no more desktop computer, again, no room for that anymore. And I only had it for two weeks!

Yeah, so from next week I should start running, to release the remaining baby weight. And, probably some time in the end of the next week, baby will start solids!!! This should be fun.

I felt so bad today after we came back home after the baptize. I don’t know, either I was too cold, either I ate something weird, either I developed a migraine from the hair coloring conditioner smell from last evening, either I received a “bad-eye” thing.. Mom said it was just stress getting out.

Seriously, it might be a Romanian thing but this is exactly how I felt: sudden headache, dizziness, sleepyness, nausea, mental fog.. It got better barely after the 2nd paracetamol.. I feel good enough now to be able to write this. But I still have the impression that I see with only one eye.

And I finally fell with the chair! Remember that office chair I bought few years ago, the one with wheels. I don’t remember how it ended up downstairs but lately I was using it for eating, at the big table. It was also very useful for nursing and rocking baby, because it is leaning in the back. Each time dad was seeing me leaning he was telling me that I will fall with it… When they left after the visit in Spring, somehow the chair got blocked, it was not possible to lean back with it. But last week Leo finally understood what I was complaining about and he managed to unlock it.

On Wednesday at 9 am I almost broke my left arm… When I fell, somehow the left arm got trapped behind it.. It hurted horribly, I almost fainted. I asked mom to give baby a bottle of formula because I didn’t see myself capable of nursing, I rubbed Voltarene on the area around the wound which was a carpet burn and kept ice on it for 2 hours.. I was afraid I broke it. I could’ve broken my head on the pantry door, I missed only by few centimeters, I hurted my elbow though..

And then, from that night, a throat pain started.. I ate 5 or 6 Isla pills and it stopped.. I hope they are breastfeeding compatible, I forgot to check, and they are working better than Strepsils.

Now, an interesting thing about the baptize: the Godmother’s name is the same as the baby’s name!! I must’ve known this but then I forgot.. I knew well the Godfather, but I only had seen her before only one time, several years ago. They are expecting their 3rd. Brave. And another fun thing: apparently the baby needed a Patron name, aside from her first name.. And this is how my baby ended up having exactly the same two names that I wanted in the first place. And they’re both secret. 😀

And! I almost forgot, another very good thing that happened this week: I got my result from the F7 exam: 83%!!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes! My best result in the ACCA exams so far. So, I guess this means to be studying properly. I’m now more than half in the study for F9, but I don’t have the same appetite.. I think I will postpone this one for March session. The Sun is transiting my 12th House, this is my time to rest… mentally. I kinda need it.

Stay tuned, coming soon with the blog post en français!

Later edit: remember that little ring I was having on the back of the phone, to be able to scroll Facebook with one hand while breastfeeding? Yeah, I broke it. Wednesday or Thursday, don’t remember exactly. Lucky I had 2 more. Yeah, I managed to break a 2nd one, exactly the same way, just the day after… It’s like they have some expiration date or something…

About investing in your child

I always heard and still hear or read about this, mostly from parents with a more than decent financial position, mostly, probably, trying to show that they care. If I ever said or wrote about it myself, well, I changed my mind.

Last night I did an important step in my life, which brought me some small revelations. Small step for the world, but a big one for me, personally. I will probably write about it with a later occasion.

So.. investing in a child. In the child’s education. Starting with private kindergarten and ending with college abroad. Sounds fancy, but it’s wrong. You know why? Because an investment implies a certain amount of return. What kind of return are you expecting from your child? A very good job in the future? Will you expect to benefit from this job also, as a parent? Having a decent life after retirement is your job, not theirs.

You know, we Romanian have a saying “make a child to have someone to bring you a glass of water when you are old”. I don’t resonate with this. I don’t expect my daughter to bring me a glass of water when I am old, because she will have her own babies to nurse. I believe is not fair for the kid to add such a big responsibility on their shoulders.

The times have changed. In the developed countries people can decide (more or less) when to have kids. I’m not including here the cases when the child was conceived by accident or without consent. I am talking about a planned and wanted child. Nowadays kids are not made like on a factory line, to be employed from a young age, to help at the farm. Except from cases when parents belong to some movement or cult, in the developed countries the families usually have 1 or 2 kids, enough to have the means to raise them healthy and properly educated.

Anyway, you got the point. So, saying that you invest in your child shows egoism. You can invest in yourself, by taking post-graduate classes or arts or whatever, because it’s you and it’s about you and you are capable enough to understand the responsibility. You know that you expect a promotion after those classes or a change of career. I mean, you can sure put them in private kindergarten, raise them multi-lingual, send them to college abroad, but don’t take it as an investment.

One of the things that left me disturbed from my childhood years is that I never knew (in advance) what are the expectations, but I was qualified as “needs improvement”. In the exceptional cases. In the usual cases I was called plain “not good of anything”. What can this mean? That the investment return was negative? How miserable must be the life of that parent to be capable of calling a child like this..

In conclusion, raising and educating a child should be unconditional. I’m not feeding and entertaining my child as an investment. There might be one small exception on this: health. Especially dental, which is the most expensive to treat. Considering that, until certain age, I will have to pay for the dental care, I might consider an investment a proper hygiene routine and regular preventive checks. But the child will know what is expected from them: to brush their teeth at least 2 times a day, floss at least one time a week, just like their parents do, nowadays.

Also, is much more than egoism to expect from the child more than you expect from yourself, solely because you provided them with much better learning conditions than what you had. Ok, ok, our parents and our grand-parents from the little they had they decided to “invest” in the kids. They did a small mistake. They should have invested in themselves. And let the child decide (age appropriate) if and how much they want to invest in themselves. You, as a parent, except from seeing your child healthy and happy, should not expect anything else.

Just that, too often, parents push kids too much and forget what their job as a parent really is about: just to love them, always, unconditional and no matter what. Everything else is an illusion.

Diversificare, între perne

Am intrat într-o nouă stare de stres: studiul pieței pentru articolele necesare diversificării. Am fost azi și am vizitat unul din cele mai mari magazine, cu articole specializate, din zonă. M-a luat depresia de când am intrat în magazin și mi-au zis că nu le merge internetul, deci nu pot plăti cu cardul. Inițial au zis că nu le merge casa de marcat… Parcă aș fi intrat într-un magazin de pe vremea comunismului. Știi, când intrai într-o frizerie și ți se spunea din start că nu au foarfeca ascuțită…

Anyway… Erau și niște mămici cu burtici mari, pline de entuziasm. Când am fost prima oară în acel magazin eram și eu la fel? Nu cred.. parcă atunci mă apucase depresia când am văzut că un sac de dormit basic costă 1000 de coroane.

Nu ma înțelege greșit, nu mă vaiet că nu-mi permit să-i cumpăr ce-i trebuie. Ma vaiet că e piața plină de tot felul de porcării la prețuri exorbitante.

Am niște idei fixe în cap. Vreau să cresc copilul acesta într-un mod isteț. Adică prefer să strâng banii și să-i dau pe lecții de arte sau de limbi străine, decât să-i dau pe plasticuri și pe haine de unică folosință.

Azi am dat 300 de coroane pe un set de furculiță și linguriță BPA free, o babețică de silicon (care miroase cam ciudat…) și o suzetă din latex… pentru că nu mai știu cum să o dezvăț să nu-și mai folosească degețelul. Bineînțeles că nici această suzetă nu îi place.

Apoi am dat 200 de coroane pe o prăjiturică, un latte și o sticlă de apă. Care s-au digerat deja. Deci fum.

Cred că m-am învățat prost cu muncitul de acasă, pentru că nu mai știu să scot bani din buzunar toată ziua. O dată pe săptămână la hypermarket și o dată sau maxim de două ori la cină sau prânz în oraș, de obicei în weekend. În rest.. de când s-a născut bebe nu mi-am cumpărat nicio haină. Mi-a luat mami o pereche de pantaloni când a fost in vizita și am intrat în noul Decathlon.

Ma gândesc din ce în ce mai des la pensie. Și că poate ar fi cazul sa investesc o parte din economii, în afara celor câtorva acțiuni la firma unde lucrez. Când văd cât au crescut de când le-am cumpărat parca îmi vine să cumpăr tot mai multe, dar apoi mă gândesc, oare vor mai crește la fel și în viitor? Oricum… sigur vor crește mai mult decât rata inflației. Mda, măcar dacă aș investi suficient cât să-mi acopăr manualele și examenele de ACCA pe care le cumpăr cât sunt în concediu de maternitate, pentru că nu le pot deconta. Poate, după ce termin de învățat toată materia pentru F9 – Financial Management, voi avea clar în cap în ce direcție să mă îndrept pentru a investi eficient.

Revenind la diversificare. Sunt sigură că și părinții noștri tot linguriță BPA free au cumpărat, când au început să ne diversifice cu măr și biscuite. Îmi amintesc cu nostalgie de singurul instrument pentru diversificare pe care l-a cumpărat mama pentru fratele meu: o răzătoare de sticlă. Acela era blender-ul acum 30 de ani. Și tot scaun Peg Perego, cu babețică de silicon am avut și eu.

Eu vreau să-i cumpăr un scaun la nivelul ei, pentru măsuță joasă. Ca să poată să-i dea singură în gură lui Bonnie dacă nu-i place mâncarea. Cer prea mult? 😀 Mă gândesc să ma duc la Baumax, să iau scânduri și să-i fac eu singură acest scaun. Pe care sa-l căptușesc cu pernița pentru gat, din spuma memorie. Mda… naivă mica ce sunt.

Măcar sunt ferm convinsă că nu o să-i cumpăr castronele și farfuriuțe din plastic, cu tot felul de animăluțe pe ele. Două boluri albe de la Ikea și gata.

Si mă mai stresează chestia cu alergiile… să-i dau la 3 zile câte un aliment sau de toate de la început? Am observat că există câteva sortimente BIO prin magazine, la preț dublu, evident, față de restul produselor. Și eram destul de calmă pană să aud de Imazalil. Chiar e necesar să spăl cu oțet și bicarbonat toate fructele și legumele pe care le prepar pentru ea?! Acum mă apucă panica… în plus, de unde să îi procur și carne BIO, pui crescuți fără antibiotice și fără hormoni? Poate doar dacă îi cresc eu în grădină… cu porumb BIO și ce altceva or mai mânca.

Mda.. mai am o lună să mă documentez. Sau să mă stresez și mai rău.

Student update

So, yesterday I spent 4h just for myself, while baby was in the care of her daddy, Leo. I was having the Financial Reporting (F7) exam. I was dreaming about this moment for the past month, excited what the topics will be.

It was extremely hot in the room… In a big room with about 30 laptop stations prepared, we were just 7 people, for the afternoon session of the exam. I had my exam in British Council in BRNO. It was a building functioning for more than 100 years, while nobody did any improvements to it. Ok, maybe just in the restrooms.

I even had with me a change of clothes on a hanger: office trousers, shirt, sweater.. but in the last minute I decided not to change and remain with the travelling activewear clothes and good I did. None of the other candidates was dressed office, two women had even beach shoes and pants, maybe they were there before 😀

Because we had at least 30 degrees in the room during the exam. They didn’t have air conditioning, just a lousy fan in the ceiling, but there must have been also a heat source somewhere (except for the sun) because I could always feel like a hot breeze over my shoulders. In the middle of the exam I was feeling like I’m fainting… I should’ve eaten more and drank more water… but yeah.. My “traditional Red Bull before exam” this time had to be replaced with a cocktail of 2 pills of Magnesium, 1 B-Complex Forte and 1 Iron.

The exam topics were decent, but very worky… I mean, they didn’t just test our knowledge of the topics, they tested also our nerves. I’m not very happy that in 2019 we still have to use small calculator for exams, but, yeah, at least they are computer based. I wonder if students in college are still doing their exams on paper 😀

There was absolutely nothing about Earnings per Share, no loan notes, no leases, just one tiny mention of a bank loan, no tax calculations, just a tricky question with a deferred tax on a revaluation surplus and one “tax refund” in the Trial Balance in one of the big questions. There was one long item in the 1st big question about some contract to supply some goods, that I skipped because I couldn’t figure out from where to grab it.  The 2nd big question was asking to calculate the profit on disposal of subsidiary, some ratios and then give some decent interpretations.

There were too many questions with Property, plant and equipment.. One question also with a government grant, it probably got me even more grey hairs and in the end I used a random choice, because I couldn’t get to any of the numbers in the given choices.

So yeah, I had my F7 exam and Leo had his parenting exam 🙂 According to him, baby slept 1.5h in two sessions, cried 7 minutes and drank 70ml from the formula baby bottle. They had to move the car two times from where they parked, apparently they were occupying reserved spots..

So yeah, my baby is breastfed exclusively… except for the time when I am in exams, which is 4h/3 months. But, actually, in December she will have already started solids, so no harm here. It’s like she knew in what she was getting herself yesterday, because in the past two nights before the exam she woke up for feeding each 2.5h, just like when she was one month old. In the day before the exam I changed 10 diapers :D, but compensated yesterday with just 5.. And 2 last night.

About last night, I don’t know if it was the adrenaline from the exam or the tiramisu I had in IKEA in the way back home, but I couldn’t fall asleep.. We got home at 20:10, baby fed and capitulated around 21:00, after sleeping also for 1.5h in the last section of the road. So, at around 22 I gave up falling asleep and I went downstairs for some snack. I came back at 01 😀 At 03 baby woke up for food, I was having my nose stuck and my head was so dizzy as if I just went down from a roller-coaster. At 06 again. At 07:30 again. At 8:30 I made the bed,  opened the windows and took her downstairs.

Now, as baby sleeps, I have one load of our laundry to hang, some baby clothes to iron (while I finish my coffee and dream about what I’m going to order for lunch) and to catch up with my Netflix. After my tablet will charge, as I haven’t even touched it for the past two weeks. 😀 Don’t get me wrong, I’m at episode 215 from Muñeca Brava on the phone on Youtube, it’s my current treat when I’m breastfeeding baby, as I’m spending around 2.5h per day, in total, doing this. I hope she will catch some Spanish in the process.

And probably in the afternoon I will start browsing the F9 (Financial Management) study books, that I received by mail on Wednesday. Curious how many typing errors I will find in these ones… And I have to wait until the week of 14th of October for the result from F7.

Day 2958465

No, is not a random number. It’s something I just discovered in Excel. Will Mankind still exist on Earth until then? Will Time still exist until then?

Boring, right? I mean, I’m procrastinating instead of calculating the Diluted Earnings per Share. Excel is distracting me when is converting my numbers in dates…

Diluted… Why not Concentrated? Too many problems. I want to go back to sleeeep. Baby woke up at 5:30 and again I couldn’t fall back asleep.

Talking about fall.. There is a late October weather outside… 15 degrees and foggy. It even smells like carved pumpkins and cinnamon. Just jokin’. I need my sleep.

Existential crisis part II

Since Jupiter came back direct, few days ago, I’m finding myself more confused than ever. I’m “seeing” how my future would look like and I’m very unsure about some things. I don’t know anything about parenting, for example. Because parenting means properly raising your own child. And I have never raised my own child before, all I know is from what I didn’t like from how I was raised and from the stories about the experiences of other parents. And these circumstances will probably never happen again… so… going forward I can only patiently figure it out.

Regarding my study… I went one time through all the study material, some parts even more than one time and things I was sure I understood, two weeks ago, now I have to understand again, because I’m doing tests and I see I’m making mistakes. And 30% of the mistakes are “lack of focus” mistakes. And I don’t know what pains me more, the fact that I’m doing stupid mistakes or the fact that I’m finding stupid mistakes in the books. I gave up counting them when I got to twenty..

When I’m spending all my free time studying (and starting to hate it lately) I wonder why I even started it. Why I got into this maze… And is so hard. Is hard because I don’t know how to be a pass-grade student… And is hard when I’m coming back from the exam with a 55%, for example, knowing how much time I spent studying trying to understand everything. A 50% mark means something like “you barely understood”. I mean, the exam questions are very time-consuming and if you don’t have in your mind the map of what you have to do, instantly, when you read the question, if you have to think about what you have to do, you are lost. Also, even if I’m working in English for several years now, studying (and writing extensive comments over complex topics) in a language that is not my native one is hard. Is very energy consuming. And right now I’m failing to see the light at the end of this maze: is it really worth it?

I’m changing. With every day that passes, spending all my time with this little human, I’m changing. I’m seeing so many things from my life so differently right now. My expectations regarding my integrity and my morality have raised exponentially. And the guilt. Ooooohhh! The guilt! The constant stress: is she warm, is she cold, is she fed enough, is she comfortable enough, is that red-mark on her forehead a mosquito bite, a scratch or something else? She is expert at scratching her face. And I’m having so much stress cutting her nails, they grow so fast! You have to cut them two times a week… And I cannot cut more than two in one session.. Now she has a red dot on a finger also… If that is a mosquito bite I don’t know how she handles it. I had a bite last week on my arm and my body reacted as if it was a wasp bite. I put Fenistil and it got even worse. The other 5 bites that I accumulated in the same period on my legs didn’t get that bad. And yes, I know we have to put a net at the windows, because it was very hot and we slept with the bathroom window and the door open. And I killed more than 10 mosquitoes already, but sometimes they are too sneaky, I’m seeing them after they bit me.

Yeah.. And then we have to put fences at the stairs, for when she will start crawling. And some polyurethane on the marble floors downstairs. And protections at the cabinets corners… And the bathroom upstairs is still not finished. And her room is still not finished. So heah, God help us! I had to bring mom over to wash the windows and the drapes and clean all the dust and spider webs from all the corners. She even ironed the curtains before putting them back! She even made us berries jam. In the two weeks that she spent here she didn’t stay a bit!

I’m looking now at some spider web on the ceiling, here in the room, and it makes me even more depressed. It would take me literally 10 seconds to clean it. But today is Saint Mary, in my religion, you should not do any laundry or cleaning or working with tools. But I did a load of baby’s laundry anyway, otherwise all that regurgitated milk and pee accidents would start to stink. And, please forgive me, Saint Mary, but I’m going to clean that spider web right now! I will leave the carpets full of Bonnie’s hair for Leo to vacuum them tomorrow, first thing when he comes home..

So yeah.. I don’t know if this is post-partum depression, as I was having this feeling again before.. but something it is. I feel numb. Like a robot. But a stuck robot… With tears almost there to leak down on my cheeks.

And I will probably delete this blog post tomorrow. When more guilt will find me, regarding spelling mistakes that I made in it. I wonder how I became a perfectionist from a child that was always told that she is not good for anything… I’m sure I’m not good at everything, probably at things that I should be, but I’m definitely not “not good for anything”. So I beg you parents, I beg you in my knees, please don’t ever say this to your children! Yes, I am aware that such parents will not even see to read this.

Brb, I have a spider web to clean. Please forgive me, dear Virgin Mary. I’m going crazy if I don’t clean that now.

Oh.. And the hair!! As much I was bragging that it will not happen to me also, because I took expensive prenatal vitamins all pregnancy and after, I’m loosing my hair! I find them everywhere, including in her mouth and it her diaper. And they are getting under my glasses and make my eyes and my face itch. It makes me want to shave my head!

PS. For more perspective… Today I have Full Moon transit IC, also opposite Mars and Venus.