Draga Saturn..

Ba, m-am cam saturat de tine.

Adica, dupa ce ca ne cunoastem, din prima secunda in care am deschis ochii pentru prima oara, stateai la panda pe linia orizontului – ca nu cumva sa ma vrajeasca prea tare Venus, care venise prima la inaintare -, de pe la inceputul lui 2017, te tot plimbi, ba inainte, ba inapoi, peste Soarele meu. Dupa ce ca saracul Soare nu stia cum sa se imparta mai bine intre Jupiter si Neptun, acum ai mai venit si tu pe capul lui.

Am obosit, ba, Saturnule. Adica vrei prea multe de la mine. Ai dat in schimb inapoi, ce-i drept, dar parca n-ai vrut sa mai pui nimic-nimic si de la tine. Jupiter e ceva mai generos. Dar parca nici asta nu-ti convine, ai venit sa faci audit peste toate registrele lui Jupiter din ultimii aprox 29 de ani, adica de cand ai trecut ultima data pe aici, sa nu cumva sa fi facut evaziune fiscala sau sa-mi fi dat vreodata mai mult decat mi se cuvenea. Si atunci ai mai venit si cu Uranus de manuta.. norocul tau ca nu-mi mai aduc aminte, aveam doar 4 ani. Si norocul tau cu Jupiter, ca e baiat de treaba si nu-i place scandalul, ca daca te luai de Pluto iesea cu scantei.

Cum? L-ai luat si pe Pluto la bani marunti? Unde, cand? Eu unde eram? Pe scena, zburam peste un cuib de cuci, zici? Pai da, am zburat de tot, din cauza ta, peste cuib, peste teatru si peste Romania de tot.

Si il ai in lista de prioritati si pe Neptun. Dar am totusi intuitia ca Neptun te face. Te fenteaza oleaca daca vrea neaparat, adica daca vede ca ti-o iei prea tare in serios, iti mai pune de cate o cafea irlandeza. Sau iti distrage atentia cu niste power-point-uri frumos colorate, in timp ce isi ia si Soarele o vacanta si zboara peste o mare-doua, cu prietenul lui cel mai bun, Jupiter. N-oi crapa nici tu o saptamana.

M-ai imbolnavit, ba Saturn. De 3 saptamani sunt pe medicamente.. intai mi-ai intepenit spatele si umarul stang, apoi mi-ai cauzat durere in gat si voce horror, iar azi, cand credeam ca am scapat in sfarsit, m-ai facut sa ma trezesc si cu buza umflata si cu buba pe ea. Iar am dat 500 de coroane pe medicamente. Noroc ca a mers cardul de puncte flexi si nu le-am platit cu bani. Si ca sa-ti fac in ciuda mi-am cumparat un ghiveci de mini-trandafir galben, de la magazinul de langa farmacie. Cum? Trandafirul galben reprezinta succes in cariera? Serios? Ma scuzi, adica stiu ca esti serios, tu si cand glumesti esti serios.

Ba Saturn.. deci pe langa faptul ca ma stresezi de-mi vine sa te arunc pe geam, nici sa ma relaxez ca la carte nu ma lasi. Adica imi pregatesc eu sarea de baie parfumata, pe care am cumparat-o acum 2 ani direct de la salina si n-am avut inspiratia niciodata pana acum sa o folosesc, imi pregatesc lumanarele pentru decor, frec bine cada pana straluceste si apoi dau drumul la apa fierbinte. Si te-ai gasit tu repede sa-mi demonstrezi ca bazinul de apa, pe care l-a incalzit focul din soba, are un volum mai mic chiar si decat o jumatate de cada. Adica daca mai lasam apa sa curga ma trezeam ca era complet rece. Si tot m-am clatit cu apa calaie si nici nu m-am relaxat cum trebuie.

Si apoi te intrebi de ce te urasc, ba, Saturn! Nu puteai sa-l lasi tu pe saracul Venus in pace, acum aproximativ 34 de ani? In linistea lui acolo, nici nu apucase sa-si bea cafeaua, nici macar Soarele nu rasarise. Ba, macar daca ma ajuti sa descopar ca exista universuri paralele, as zice ca ai si tu un rost. Cum? Aia e treaba lui Uranus? Pai si acum imi spui?! Ma rog. Ai o saptamana la dispozitie sa-ti prezinti pledoaria de aparare si sa-ti justifici utilitatea, altfel te detronez, cu inelele tale cu tot, si il pun pe Uranus la conducere.

 

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Love, in the nooks and crannies

I had a nice dream. I fell asleep with my usual desire of what to dream about, but this time I got attracted into something else. Or someone else. It’s like, love works in mysterious ways, you send it where you want to, but then you never know from where you will get it back. And I don’t mind, I have accepted a long time ago, that we are all connected, in a way or another.

It’s so hard to talk about love. It’s like the world (and the society) has somehow made pure love a taboo topic. I understand people love in different ways and it is a good thing, as together we can discover much more aspects of it and ourselves. But I have this feeling, it got to a certain point, when you say you love someone, you are looked upon as if you have some life-threatening disease. It is ok to love, people! And it is OK to love more people in the same time.

I dreamed for the past 3 nights with 3 different persons. All different than the one who usually finds my dreams, which, funny actually, in the last dream I had, he told me, as a conclusion, that there is no more passion between us. I mean, I do understand that this may not be necessarily a good thing, to live only in the dreams, but I guess this is my life, I cannot have them all in the objective plane. Some things have to be sacrificed for other things to work in the objective, material, plane. This is how it works for me. And it makes me wake up with a smile on my face when I live a different story every night, as, with each of these dream-persons I discover a different side of me. A different way in which I can love.

And the one from last night.. it feels a bit more special than the rest. Probably because it’s the newest acquired. I’m projecting both an angel and a genius into this one, I wonder what will be left of it when reality will finally set it. Now I wonder how the other people see me.

But now a funny story, this time from the objective, material, reality.

Yesterday after work I had to go to the city to buy some stuff. I spent 3 hours through Fryda and when the taxi brought me home with 3 shopping bags I was feeling, surprisingly, quite energized. I first wanted to start the washing machine, but then I thought maybe is too late.. And then I remembered when I was living in Bucharest, I remembered about those times when I was doing so many things, when procrastination was simply not on my list of things to do. I was wondering what happened to that ME, how did I leave myself fall and drown, that much.

So I sat in front of the computer, in my usual spot on the couch, with a new episode of The Good Witch. And I thought I saw something black with the corner of my left eye, crawling on the white cover from the table, 10 cm away from my arm. And then, when I really looked, I freaked out for few seconds. It was the biggest spider I ever saw in my life so far, it had like 6 cm diameter and hairy legs and I could even see its eyes. So close to me! I am freaking out a lot about spiders, maybe because I find them very dark creatures and extremely unpredictable. And I was home alone. And this spider has literally threatened my comfort zone.

But now if I think back… last weekend we vacuumed all the spider webs from the old storage room and from the room of the heating stove, so I guess I threatened their space first, so, a certain percent of me was expecting something like this to happen.

After few seconds of panic, I took a picture and sent to Leo and he replied “cool”. Seriously?! I’m freaking out here. So I went for the vacuum cleaner, I just didn’t know what else to do. But, by the time I came back with it, the terrifying creature had disappeared. But where? Between my blankets and my pillows from the couch? Under the keyboard? Behind the printer? Or in those old notebook boxes from under the table?

So I had to deep breathe and bring out the brave ME and slowly take each of these things aside and vacuum them, as I didn’t bring it for nothing… And, after vacuuming half of the room in the search for courage, there I found it. It was in one of the boxes, between the old notebooks and some other memories stuff that I had in there.. So I first intended to simply vacuum it. But it kept strong and then it started crawling under stuff.

And that’s when something big happened inside of me: I sensed his fear. I felt his scare. He was just a simple being, probably more scared than I was. So I leaned the box and he got out, running over the old carpet from the living room, that I had just vacuumed from Bonnie’s fur, while procrastinating on how to deal with The Intruder. He was running quite fast, but I did catch his trajectory and put an empty box of Ginkgo Biloba tablets just in front of him and he went straight into it.

And then I slowly and carefully closed it: “Pavoucek was caught!” And then I took it out and left it next to the door. And I continued vacuuming, downstairs and then also upstairs, vigorously brushing all carpets, thing that is usually on the to-do list for Saturday morning. Amazing how much fur can Bonnie lose in one week in this time of the year!… I mean, the adrenaline that the spider caused in me had to be released somehow. And then, after I finished, just as I was getting out from the shower, like a fresh flower after a summer rain, Leo came back to rescue. Sure.

About love and the end of time

Why is it that is much easier to accept you have an obsession with someone or something than to admit that what you feel is real love? Simple and sincere love. Maybe it comes from self-esteem. Because love is free. So if you admit it, it means that you are doing it consciously, which means that, at some level, you lie to yourself. Believing in an obsession it somehow takes your responsibility out of the equation, as if you had no choice, it was over you, destiny took you by surprise.. or not. Because admitting love comes with a lot of responsibility. Like with the fox, from the Little Prince, you become automatically responsible for what you love. Or, at least, I cannot see it another way. So love can be only mature and conscious, you cannot love if you are not baked enough. It’s a bit funny though, in order to love you don’t necessarily need also to understand. So, instead of focusing on understanding, it’s more effective to focus on loving. It automatically positions you on a higher level. But don’t confuse it with blindly believing.

Some nights ago while I was trying to fall asleep cuddling with my Leo – my left leg was hurting – while I was listening to his heartbeat I somehow got hypnotized and I had some revelations. One of them was so vivid that I almost felt it happening in front of my eyes. I was thinking about the heart. How can it beat and beat and keep beating disregarding absolutely everything else, while nobody is pushing it to do so. Or is it? And I was seeing how, somewhere, in the very far future, yet far only in numbers speaking, because for me, that moment, was as if I was seeing a possible end of time all together. I was seeing how a human was literally constructed like a lego, by a higher dimensional being: a beating heart, kidneys, lungs, eyes, ligaments, skin… with enough information stored in every cell, to be able to reproduce itself. They are already able, even in our generation, to create artificial skin and replicate stem cells in order to create any organ and they are still humans, the ones who managed this.

So in a certain future, somewhere when this technic of creating human cells, each with her own different function, has been perfected, probably God exists – as the higher dimensional being who created the human. It was sounding pretty SF, 4000-5000 years ago, but now, not that much. They say we only use 10% of our brain. Ok, they corrected it, that we use consciously only 10% of our brain, the rest is used for other processes that we don’t know about. Not even the more advanced ones, the ones who study it for a living.

So 1%. I think 1% is just enough to move the focus from obsession to free, sincere and unconditional love and to accept it, as a choice and not as a fatality. And accept vulnerability.

And then, today I saw something else. I understood something greater. But I’m not gonna write about that, I’m gonna write about the fact that is so much more energy saving to just listen, than to try to combat everything that comes to change you. I mean, is hard sometimes when you cannot fade out when someone is speaking to you and all your guts say to fight that, in the attempt of saving your energy, because you already know where the conversation leads and you’ve been there many times before and you just want to save your breath by putting a stop to it as soon as possible because it’s a dead end. But guess what, staying always engaged in this fighting mode, with all walls at maximum power, in the attempt to reject absolutely everything that tries to touch you, is not saving energy.

Being free, is saving energy. All walls down. Peacefully free. So, thanks and… I love you too. 🙂 You too.

Let it go, let it go…

There are so many emotions running through me right now that I cannot pick just one to express it. I feel like a Time Lord just before the regeneration. I literally feel how my chest is about to open and a beam of sparkling fire will burst out.

I might have mentioned, last week, that I had a hard week. Let me say just ha ha ha ha ha. Little did I know. Yeah… I’ve been feeding myself this week exclusively on frozen pizza and frozen vegetables in the oven. I feel like SuperMan on the inside – like I’m saving the world. Like I’m the only one who can save the world. I wonder if I might’ve gotten crazy, judging also on the dream that I had last night.

Also, you know what they say… the fastest way to get to hate something is to turn it into a profession. I mean, I didn’t get to turn it yet, literally, into a profession, but the reading material that keeps flowing ceaselessly in my astrology school group has made me a little… adverse… I mean, it was much more fun when I was doing it for fun. But maybe this is the point, that it should not be for fun, it should be serious business, metaphorically speaking. One thing I’m sure: it is much more effective as a way and not as a purpose.

Should I say what I dreamed last night? I can’t, really, I’m quite open-minded, but that thing was too much taboo even for me. I don’t even know where to start to search online for interpretations.

Remind me next time when I will have Jupiter transit to my 12th House to take a Sabbatical year. Lucky it only happens once in 12 years, so I have enough time to plan it, for 2029 ish. Pizza is ready! 🙂

I wonder if they will still recognize me after I will complete my regeneration. :))

One month later – THM

Klara is back online. 🙂

– So, did you have enough time to meditate?

– Jason!, Hi. … Meditate?!

– Yeah, about what I wrote you last time. That obsessions are not good.

– Jason, you don’t even know me. Seriously, you have no idea what has been going on in my life since the last time I saw you. I doubt you had an idea at all, even when we were seeing each other… in classes. More or less. You got stuck on something that I told you, something that happened almost 10 years ago and you just cannot see anything else aside that. And you come to me with the thing that obsessions are not good.

– ?!

– Yes, you don’t know anything at all about me. You know actually this makes me feel disappointed. I’ve been living in an illusion and you in an obsession. I always had this feeling of warmth coming from you, as if you were aware of everything that I was doing, I mean, in the good way, like watching me in a form of a guardian angel. Now I realize, maybe, the one that was guiding me was one of Moon’s angels. Btw, how is Moon, is she ok?

– Leave Moon aside from this, please. I mean, seriously, you were dreaming of me guiding your steps, you know I have my own life also.

– So then why we still continue having this conversation? It’s late and I want to go to bed.

– Oh, yeah, I forgot you’re 7h behind me.

Or ahead. Actually I lost track which one of the two characters was in Mexico.

– But seriously, Jason, I don’t know what you want from me. People do grow up, it’s been 10 years, move on. (Ok, actually it’s been 9, but Klara was rounding up for dramatic effect). I mean, have you even seen my Linkedin profile, just out of curiosity? I started watching “The Good Witch”. I think I found my role-model, what I want to become in the next 10 years.

– Got it, blonde girl. Actually this is what I do remember about you and smile, I remember how blonde you were. Cassie is quite the opposite of blonde..

– You know Cassie? 😀

– Of course, I’m at season 4 already.

– What?! But they didn’t even start filming for season 4.

– Well, I guess you understand where I am, now. Where I stand in your life, as long as I can see your future, what’s the point in being up to date with your past? Do you even remember how you got that job in the first place?

– Good joke. Sure, now you are trying to charm me, I thought the shoes of the angel I was seeing you were too big for you to walk in them so you rejected the role I offered you.

– Cassie… a, sorry, Klara – I was just trying to get to know you. I mean, if Cassie is not the perfect peaceful character, I don’t know who else might be.

– Good night Jason. Kiss Meredith from me 😉

How do you measure a Parallel Universe?

Ok, so 3rd dimension is a cube, which, moved in time is a timeline. A cube on 29.09.2017 and then the same cube on 30.09.2017 and then on 01.10.2017, is the same cube, but older :D. If it’s made out of plastic, the difference might not be visible not even after years.

So, this cube, from the beginning of time until the end of time – is the 4th dimension. At least this is how much my head took me. And then I was imagining copying all of this and pasting it somewhere more on the top-right. To create some effect of space representation.. OK, ok, you know how a Tesseract looks like – so imagine a network of Tesseracts. Or, I don’t know if this is the proper way to call them, but I have just drawn one on my scrapbook.

So, my question is, the parallel cube, the one that lies one 5th dimension unit away, exists also in 29.09.2017? No, it doesn’t, because this means it is the same cube from the beginning. So it needs to exist in a parallel time. Like for example, in the 4th dimension we have days, hours, minutes, seconds, whatever, years… all of these are quantified. I want to know how parallel universes are quantified. Maybe if we knew how they are called – their coordinates – we could access them. Yeah, I know it’s very simple if you have a Tesseract, but we haven’t built it yet.

With the windmills..

It’s been a weird week, “struggling” – I think is the correct word. I’m fighting with a rhinitis, I don’t know what’s wrong with my nose lately, for the past months I felt I had to use a decongestant when I was going to bed as my nose was getting stuck suddenly, each time I was putting my head on the pillow. It took me a while to figure out something is wrong, but I think mostly on the spiritual level, as I don’t seem to have anything else physically than some side-effect to using too much of the ingredients contained in the decongestant itself.

Yeah.. So yesterday morning I made myself some solution made of hot water and simple baking soda. I don’t remember how I got this idea. Anyway, after using it just one time yesterday morning seemed that it’s working, but as I went to bed my nose got stuck again. So I used the decongestant only on one nostril, as experiment. It worked for the moment but felt cemented when I woke up in the morning. I was able to breathe just on the other one. So I made another solution with baking soda and I took a breath into that with each nostril until it came into my mouth, which meant it worked.

And then I had such a weird taste in my mouth that the usual coffee I’m making everyday felt horrible. The bad taste went away after I had a glass of water. But enough about this.

What I actually wanted to write is that I feel very pissed of. It’s been a hard week, from more reasons. A, did I mention I fell on the stairs Monday morning? Yeah, when I was climbing back up with the second coffee, pissed of by something. I was thinking if I should take a nurofen maybe my nose will get unstuck, but I felt guilty to take one nurofen just for that. So I slipped with the socks on the wooden stairs and I hit with my left knee on the margin, that I have it all bruised up. And I spilled the coffee all over the place, including on my favorite microfiber hanorac and.. in my head. So then it felt totally legit to take one nurofen. Yeah, now it sounds funny. I mean, how can you tell someone, that you spilled coffee in your head and not make that person laugh?

Maybe I need to take myself more easily. I’m probably trying to juggle with too much stuff. I was working whole weekend on the homework for the astrology class and I noticed yesterday that I still had a calculus mistake. It literally ills me when I see I’m making stupid calculus mistakes. No matter if I discover them myself or someone else points them out to me. Actually I feel worse when I discover them myself because it gives me the feeling that nobody else cares anyway and it feels as if I’m fighting alone with the windmills..

And regarding my mistake… I did those calculations like 4-5 times and I couldn’t see that I was doing this thing wrong each time: basically I had to calculate where was the Ascendant (at a specific time) at 45 degrees and 45 minutes latitude, by knowing that at 46 it was at 3Cap50 and at 45 it was at 4Cap47… I mean to me the difference between these two points was 53 minutes. I mean, the impact of the mistake is really immaterial, one minute of a degree, but it made me feel so bad. It opened up wounds when my primary school teacher was telling to my mom at every meeting “she is intelligent, catches things fast, but she is scatter-brained, makes very simple calculus mistakes”. Hmm, this word sounds so bad in English, scatter-brained.. Anyway…

So yes, I admit I have one obsession: when I want to solve something, that I know I should be able to solve, I’m getting so caught into it that my mind gets completely blind and my eyes get stuck on a point on the screen and the minutes just pass and more minutes pass and I’m getting stressed and the time just flies and I still haven’t solved it.

It doesn’t matter what I’m trying to solve, some mystery perhaps, but mostly this happens when I’m trying to solve something that some average person would refuse, by recognizing that there are too many unknown variables, for a solution to be found. But I know that I know stuff. I know that I can get to access stuff, with my mind, if I concentrate long enough, that not everybody can. And it feels so Epic when I finally solve the puzzle! Maybe I should start with solving one of those Millennium Math Equations, this way my life struggle will bring some benefit also to the mankind. I think that on my tomb it will be written: “She died of exhaustion, by trying to solve something that nobody even knew it needed to be solved.”

[…]

I remember when I had to do one exercise in my acting class when I had to improvise that I am falling asleep. I played for like 5 minutes pretending that I was falling asleep, like in the cartoons but the negative feedback I was receiving made me so exhausted trying to understand it that literally made me fall asleep. That was a catharsis moment for me.

PS. While writing this I listened for about one hour on repeat this song. Ok, I do suffer from some obsessive-compulsive tendencies. But who doesn’t? I mean, I wouldn’t have done anything at all in my life without my Scorpio Rising and Pluto in the 12th House. I mean, I think is too much to call them obsessive-compulsives, as they are not hurting anyone, I’m listening on headsets, I’m quiet in my corner, I had dinner (potato chips and one glass of white wine), everything looks ok around me.. I’m even feeling happy now. Did I mention I washed the dishes everyday for the past 7 days? Because I felt too stressed out that they were hurting my brain by lying there in the sink. See? Only benefits. So, some obsessions, sometimes, are also good. For the mankind.

Light and Sidereal Days

Why didn’t I become an astrophysicist? I would’ve probably been able to understand faster the concept of the Sidereal Day. Ok, I get it, it’s the amount of time needed for the Earth to make a full rotation around its axis, but relative to the fix stars that are far far away from Earth, in the way that the whole Ellipse made by the Earth while it’s rotating around the Sun, appears just as dot from that star.

And with those approximately 4 min, that are gained each day due to the Sideral Day being just 23h and 56 min, can we say that the Earth, relative to the fix stars, is making 366 days each year? Which means that each 4 years, the Sidereal Clock actually gets 3 days ahead? So in 80 Sun years (somewhat average to a human life) we actually live 80 years and 2 months in Sidereal Time?

So what Sidereal Year is now? Well, actually it looks that the difference between our year and the Sidereal Year is just of 20 minutes. So in 80 years we gain just… around 27 hours. Yeah.. that’s why I don’t get it. Time has become so relative these days..

And this is how I got to the conclusion today, while having dinner, that actually Light is the 5th Dimension. Now I need to understand what I actually mean by Light. I mean, maybe, the lifespan of one cell of light – a photon. Yeah, it’s getting more and more interesting.

Home

I’m a “student” again 🙂 – officially enrolled in a Romanian school, that I didn’t even know exists, until 1 month ago, when I got inspired.

So, for my first homework, I need to find the planets which are the most powerful, respectively the weakest, in my chart, based on their position in the signs. There are like 4 pages of text with instructions on how to do it, in the lesson 6, but I’m going to use my program. Actually it’s going to be a nice exercise of controlling if the program is doing it in the same way.

So, the planets are the most powerful when they are at home, in their sign. Pretty simple here, I already know I have Jupiter and Pluto in Domicile, which means they are the most powerful. Yes, the program has the same opinion. And then it says Moon is the 3rd. Moon?! Aaaa.. it’s because in Taurus is in Exaltation. And 4th is Venus?! But she is in Scorpio, in Exile, wasn’t this the worse possible? So, if my 4th planet is already in Exile, I’m afraid to look further in which kind of Spiritual Prisons are the rest of my planets.

Yeah, so the weakest one is – let’s follow the instructions – I have Mars in Libra, in Exile and Mercury in Capricorn, which is… Peregrine. Amazing. Considering also the aspects column, I literally have the War planet the weakest in my chart. And they call ME aggressive. 😀 😀

Actually – even if it is not asked – I would do the above analysis also for the houses in which my planets fall, because, after the experience I got so far, I seem to resonate more with the Houses than with the Signs. Unbelievable. I only have Mercury conj III cusp, so I could call this one the most powerful, in Domicile. The rest are either Peregrine either Fall… But it does make sense: I currently earn my living by working as an Analyst. Who knows, maybe in 20 years, when we will live in Space and money will have no value there, I will get to work also with those higher frequency energies of Jupiter and Pluto.

And then part two of the exercise is to do the same analysis on a person from my “entourage”. But this is private stuff. Quite insightful, though.

Which makes me think – I’m curious to find which is that frame of time when Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn are all in Domicile. Can you imagine what powerful personalities these people must have? Later edit: funny, but it turns out this is actually impossible.

Individual growth does not necessarily mean growing apart

I found this in the description of Venus conjunct Saturn in Synastry. I found it very useful. And having Venus conjunct Saturn natally I think I do understand very well where this is going – it’s like the need to connect and to catch up from time to time just to make sure no one is left behind. Because Venus is Love and Saturn is Responsibility, might become something like “I love to be responsible for you” or “I’m responsible for loving you”. I like to call this “the bigger sibling” aspect.

And now something that has preocupied my mind for the past days. I got to the conclusion that we forgot to ask. We forgot to ask “how are you doing”, “how do you feel” and even about some other more detailed stuff that we became curious about. We just go on the FB profile and Instagram, see what the person has shared lately and then we move on with our life, we intervene only when we have something that we consider valuable to share. But also our time in real time is valuable, the social media has disrupted this by allowing us to come, see and conquer, while the other person has no idea that we’ve even been there, if we don’t leave not even a Like behind. It’s like having pieces being taken from us without receiving anything in return. Sometimes it can get exhausting.

I realized, in one short interaction that I had recently, that I’m afraid to express and stand for what I really feel and instead I’m trying to figure out what the other person would want to receive from me. And then, when I already lost the attention of the other person, I’m starting to realize what I really wanted to say, but I reacted out of fear of losing. And I lost anyway – the truth. It’s hard to live like this, without growing on the idea that I am sacrificing myself. It feels like, with this aspect, there is never time to be myself, aside from being the big sister.