A good news and a better news

The good news is that I passed SBL!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉 With 7% more than the first attempt. I still cannot believe it. I remember that I was dreaming that I saw the SMS on the phone that I passed it and then I woke up and I looked and it was there!!!

The better news is that we are going to have another car. Yuhuuu! Eventually. 😁

Because we had an accident last Saturday and our beautiful Ford Focus was deemed total damage. Nobody was hurt, the airbags didn’t even fire, because it was not that big impact, but it seems to have caused a bit too much damage.. 2h later we were all 3 back at home brought by one neighbor and the car went bye-bye.

And yeah. The road to fulfill my New Year desire might be a bit more twisted than expected. But I won’t give up.

On the other hand, it seems I am more and more able to navigate the twisted corridors of the building of my imagination and even escape other people through it. I woke up this morning right after managing to enter the “elevator bridge” and I closed the doors and the bad guys didn’t make it.

I wish I could say more, some anchor for me to remember the dream if I will ever want it. But it significantly faded away after the day activities.. even if it was a lot.. days of memories in just few minutes of actual dream, several decors, but overall the same main person. The same blue eyed person.

Purple

When I started this blog, especially the domain name, as it tells me something special from numerology perspective.. I was seeing it as something very big and empowering and inspiring and motivating etc.

Like it had a mind of its own, like I couldn’t write in it things that do not bring me up, because the energy of the blog is high frequency. Like old and wise.

Unfortunately lately I’ve turned it in my self-pitty-ing place. Why?

Has the energy gone? Depleted? Have I changed that much that I cannot access that energy anymore?

I guess, I did. My becoming a mother I gave up the 33 part… now gotta act as a 6. 🙁

Yeah…

Moving on

From time to time we need to pile up around us, everything we own, physical and spiritual and then just step out. And let go of everything.

I moved so many times in my life… highschool was lived two years with one group and the other two with a new group. I only knew few people from German class, that we were doing together. University, first year in one group, second year in another group, because Marketing separated from Commerce, third year in the Major group of Tourism, in the fourth year I spent half in Spain… all these helped me know a lot of people, but very superficial relations due to little time spent together. I can call myself of having two friends, one from childhood and one from the first year of student accommodation. They both have girls also, older than mine, so it is good to share experiences from time to time even if just online.

Still… look, since almost 19 when I left home for university, I lived in so many places. And when you move from one place to another with just 1-2 suitcases you learn to attach yourself on other things than material things, to make your comfort, a safe feeling of emotional being.

I did a count, from 19 to 31, I moved 16 times: 6 times only during university: Moxa, Agronomie, Moxa again, Cartagena – Spain, Belvedere, Moxa again for the final summer.

Then Tunari, Campulung, Baba Novac, London, Baba Novac again, Crangasi… and then Prague – Ruska, then Stodulky, then Prirodni… and then… Mistik Falls.

I’ve been living in this house, that is not even mine, since June 2015. With a “small” pause from January 2016 to June 2016 when I “lived” in 3 hospitals.

I guess I’m chronically in a rut. I’ve started to accumulate too many things. I desperately want to go in a vacation. I haven’t been in a real vacation (aside from my parents) since Scotland 2018. I haven’t been in a vacation alone since Israel 2017.

Working from this home since 2015… still nothing is moving on. And I have no power to chance anything. No karma to move on from here.

Now.. some tiny baby steps resolutions for 2022. I will take a break from ACCA, because I need to focus more on my health. I need to move more. Get in a more stable emotional place to allow me to eat healthier and have mood and time to cook healthier foods than to eat pizzas and fast foods and cakes and cookies. I think at this point the start will be to just eat less. Smaller portions.

And the anxiety, the rage… the constant feeling of being stressed and disturbed… I don’t have free and peaceful moments not even on the toilet or in the shower. I have noticed that literally every day around 10-11 am I am falling into anxiety and depression. I come back to a more stable mood barely after lunch, around 13… if baby is at school or if at home, she sleeps. If she’s at home and doesn’t want to sleep, it’s terror. 100% recipe that until evening there will be screaming from my side, crying and or bruises from her side, because she is not satisfied by anything or she is running or falling and bumping herself on stuff.. or objects destroyed.

Last object destroyed was my phone. Now I have new phone, my Christmas present. It’s like I’m getting into a place of such desperate tiredness when no energy in the world is enough anymore.

So… since I failed the task of 11 happy moments, now I will have to find 11 things that drain me and move on from them.

Above was one of them. I cannot move on from that, just pray that she will not get sick again, so she can go to kindergarten every day.

The other one is ACCA. I just can’t anymore. At this point it requires too much of my mental bandwidth.

Then, another one is my main work. When urgent requests come out of the blue and usual reports are demanded faster or differently… I did have to learn new stuff in the past months also and more responsibilities were given to me…

But the most critical draining thing is… wait… I honestly micro-fell asleep while developing the above paragraph and lost the train of my thoughts. So yeah, I guess the lack of proper sleep. During 2021 I literally slept the less that I slept in all the other years in my life, including student years. Last night was terrible.

I hate New Years Eve… 1.5h of fireworks in the middle of the night. Crazy. When I still have to wake up at 6:30 to prepare milk and breakfast. I need to hire myself a chef. And a housekeeper.

People of my age fly helicopters.. and I’m complaining that I have to wash the floors and the toilets for 2h. I haven’t even been in a helicopter.

It grows on you

After literally listening to Enrique – Finally found you, for more than 100 times now I’m listening some crying Italian one on repeat since last night, when I discovered it. Funny is that it sounds very good in Spanish also, they made it rhyme.

Still… did I mention my head hurts for 4 days now continuosly? This song makes even more depressed.. lol.. the silliness of an 16-17 years old crush, moments that you remember even 20 years later.

It’s getting very bad.

Plus I want something very bad, I have no idea what consequences it will have, but I know that I cannot do anything about it, because free will. I can only have tele and emotional -pathy. I cannot say what, of course. I can make it my new years wish, though.

I was looking at pictures with me from 16 yo, 22, 24, 28 yo.. and remembering moments that had huge impact in my mental, emotional health and personality. Like, the first time you have a crush and he chooses someone else, because she was more pushy and less childish.. or I have no idea why…

And then someone else rejects you because you don’t earn as much as he does. Or at least half of that. Or you are overweight. Or you are simply not perfect.

But these are all just bullshits.

Oh, daughter, I really hope you are less emotional than I was. Too much depth is breaking too deep.

Ok, I have to say this because it’s very recurrent lately. For the past year or two or so, I keep dreaming of a former colleague from my primary school that he loves me and we are together. Which is so crazy, because I never exchanged more that 3 words with that guy in 8 years as we were colleagues. He is married, I never had any interest in him or any type of exchange what so ever on social media, except I’ve noticed some “happy birthdays” from his side.

But I do remember what was probably the last time I talked with him, I was going in the city, he was probably going back home and at the bottom of the bridge, he invited me to his birthday, but I don’t remember what year was that. Or it could even be a false memory. Still, I remember that he gave me his phone number to confirm if I’m coming or not, because the birthday party was actually at his country-side… And I had no idea how to even get there. But I did call and talked with his grandma and told her I am coming, but I never went.

Dreaming that I am back in school is making me sick. That I have to repeat secondary school or high-school, because the degrees I have are not valid anymore. And each single time I’m fighting with all the teachers telling them that I have two jobs, I’m living in a different country and I have a kid. Sometimes even two.

Yeah, last time I dreamed about this guy, I was having two daughters, he had a boy and he was telling me he is now divorced. Very crazy.

Oh, humans can be so complex. And deep. And so many layers. And from time to time you get to see the bare core of someone and then it takes them decades to build back layers of walls to cover and deny that vulnerability, instead of owning it.

Adults need to cry also. Let’s make it safe and healthy for adults to cry also. My head is exploding.. and I have also this weird nausea… insomnia… heat waves… Oh, God, I hope I’m not getting to menopause already. I have two kids in my dreams. Although I will definitely not wanna go again through what I did with my daughter. I think women are inherently crazy for having a second and a third and so on.

I believe all mothers on this planet should own a crown.

Bye-bye 2021

Ok, there are still 4 days left from this year… still… a short retrospective…

Of course, by far, the biggest “accomplishment” this year was getting back in resonance with… I don’t even know how to call him anymore, he has so many names… although in strict online boundaries limits, it’s fine. And fun. And it seems to work. Life has colour again. And it’s gaini. Sometimes. When BTC is not shitting on us.

Oh, God, what a year!

Since September I’ve been having two part-time jobs. One more fun and rewarding than the other.

Passed one exam in March, failed one exam in September, tried that exam again in December, now waiting for the result in 3 more weeks… the more I think about it, the more I think I will not pass it again.. like, that’s my limit, all I can achieve just by myself, if I want to do more I need to enroll in some formal study programme. Which is kinda impossible with a kindergarten kid… and two part-time jobs.

Gained more kilogrammes again… I’m like I was when I was 7 months pregnant. Because this year was so bloody stressful. I even gave up trying. I think I gave up trying around the autumn of last year. There are days when I’m not getting out from the house, aside from taking out the garbage.

If until few years ago I was considering I am in functional depression, now I’m in survival depression. I literally don’t do anything more than what is critically necessary. This pandemic took me the best of my soul – the traveling and the little grain of social and outgoing that was left in me, after feeling abandoned in a foreign country for almost ten years now.

Best part of today? I guess now. Just lying in bed and listening music on my new phone and baby leaning on me and watching Leo the truck and Kiki and Miu-Miu.

There is still some fight left in me, but I kill it before it even sees the light.. like, what’s even the point?!

It looks like outside is sunny, but it’s also -5 degrees. Just to get the Tesco groceries from the gate and my brain was frozen. The cold does bother me, every day.

Am I exaggerating? Am I lazy? Spoiled? I honestly don’t give a f* anymore. Ask me again in March.

Merry Christmas?

I can’t.

When everyday you find much more reasons to get angry and upset, than reasons to be happy and peaceful, something is seriously wrong with you, right? But you cannot do anything about it, because the nail is not hurting yet that much to lift yourself from it. There is still room from time to time for self-deluding yourself that things are good.

Today I woke up at 4 AM, just like yesterday… and I couldn’t go back to sleep, because kukina was kicking me and then she was like “mommy, me hungry, bed and bata”. So yeah, motherhood, get down at 6 AM in an 18 degrees house, to heat up milk and make bread and butter and jam. My head hurts again, yesterday I took a fist of pills to be able to stand up and start my day: vitamin D, magnesium, vit C, zinc and paracetamol. But today I will really not get down from the bed anymore.. I’m fine with one simple coffee… The fridge is full of food, nobody will starve.

Some don’t have not even bread and butter and beds and blankets, gotta be grateful. Or one partner to wash baby’s butt and start the fire.

We used to hold fasting as kids, for a whole week before, maybe that’s why Christmas day was so much happier, after literally being dragged to church for the communion, on the empty stomach, we were coming back home and stuffing ourselves with sarmale, salata de boef and cozonac. The childhood naivety.

While mom was never having any free moment, because that’s the job of a mother and wife, to serve non-stop and be happy with it… They say. Except she wasn’t. 80-90% of her communicating was while screaming. But nobody seemed to care… The more she was screaming the less we were listening. We got used to being selfish and narcissistic. Luckily for her, plates were much cheaper than smartphones. No love was received, no love was given back.

Yeah, I even forgot about my happy moments in the previous days, because I had so many things to do, like cooking and cleaning and shopping… and my partner is tens of times better than my dad at household chores and work and in general…

But I must admit that yesterday I did have a particular unexpected moment. Aside from the moment when I was making Christmas cookies with daughter. Which was not as fun and rewarding as you see in the movies, because the dough was harder than expected and she was not able to press those shapes to cut the cookies and she was getting frustrated.

And also taking aside the presents opening and the Christmas dinner, there was a moment, that, even if I didn’t let it get to me at that point, it does still feed me long term uplifting energy. On my own natural receiving frequency. The one that I recognise from my childhood. Even if most probably not even intended or directed.

Thanks ❤️

Because sometimes, you just can’t fight back anymore and you just give.

Our parents do love us so much but there are always too many things that they have to do and is very hard to express something that nobody taught you how. Yes, loving ourselves is the best way, but is so hard and it takes so much time. Way too much.

11 Happy Moments

So, starting today, I am picking the most beautiful, soul-lifting, inspiring moment of each day and share it here.

Even if today is the shortest day of the year, it was full of happy moments.

The first happy moment was when I opened my new phone in the morning and saw that crypto is pumping again and now I have to stress about IL with my LPs. lol.

The second moment was around noon, when, after coming upstairs with a slice of cake and a coffee, the sun came out. The sun came out on the showy meadow and it filled my heart with joy. Or sugar. Or caffeine. Or, yay!! Vacation!!!

And I’ve singed and danced all morning. Ok, part of it 😀 Starting from last night, on this.

So yeah, lfg!

It’s still happening

Yesterday, when I talked with someone whose birthday is just few days after mine, I said that I will be x years old, but that x was 1 year more than what I will actually be. Is not that I’m bad at basic maths, is that this year I have always felt I’m an year ahead… and it’s worrying me. Because this means I’m overseeing things. And making mistakes.

Bonnie still hasn’t come back.. so… I guess it’s RIP Bonnie.

I didn’t write anything about my second attempt at SBL… so, this time I found out that there was indeed a button on the writing space to bring everything to the same format. I found out during that intense two days Seminar… which was basically the only thing new that I got from that. So when I complained last time I only showed that I’m stupid and I didn’t get familiar enough with the CBE interface.

But hey, of course this time something happened also… the bloody keyboard was set for Czech: the numbers line from top was just symbols, the . , ( ) ‘ ” were all messed up… So imagine getting pissed off each time I had to type them. Not to mention $ symbol which I simply couldn’t figure out where it was.

Although, the tasks this time seemed much more approachable, I barely wrote anything in Task 4 and in Task 1 I realised two days later, that I kinda messed up: I don’t recall writing anything at all about the “operational” performance part.. and on the “financial” performance, why on Earth I couldn’t bring myself to calculate ROCE also? Plus, I think I f*d up the interest cover and at the Gearing, although, I will probably get the points for it, I think I included also current liabilities.

I’m not happy with my performance overall. Time management is the biggest bitch in this exam, is so easy to get lost in the information. And I really really don’t know if I will have the energy to do it for the 3rd time. I mean, we have to acknowledge and I keep stressing this, that for all the other exams I studied just myself at home… like, the SBL and the others from the Strategic Professional Module are Master level curriculum. One should just not reasonably expect to pass them that easily… so yeah… I might be less smart than I thought. And this is definitely depressing me.

Mainly the thought that one is definitely not getting smarter by age, after certain age the road is just downwards. Same thing valid also on work-peformance and remuneration, after coming back from Maternity especially while working part-time, you can barely expect to be a consistent worker and do your bare minimum tasks, because whenever you try to do more and achieve more, you are just fucked up by destiny: baby gets sick and you have to work with her, sometimes literally, over you. And is so f*g easy to make mistakes like this.

Did I mention I go insane each time I find myself mistakes? In that week in October when I had Covid for the second time and I also had to work, I realized I made so many stupid mistakes. Like, what was in my head?!

So yeah…

The midlife crisis has arrived. But maybe I did enough. For God’s sake, I lived two years in one, this year! I mean, from the learning and development perspective.

It’s fine..

So this week baby was sick again. And me trying to work and study and admin and take care of the house and food, while already being employed as a full-time mommy.

It snowed, on Friday, all day. In the evening we got out to clean the yard and then to wait for the food delivery.. and she didn’t want to get back inside, we stayed almost 40 minutes… When the food arrived and we finally got back inside the warm house, for the first time in so long, I had a feeling of “finally I can relax now”. It lasted exactly for 10 seconds when she started to get angry because she couldn’t put down her jacket.

And that’s when I got it: I will never be able to relax again. Ever. Like to have that feeling that everything is ok and I can finally sit down with a cup of something warm and enjoy everything that I have, that I worked so hard for… that I don’t have to occupy my mind all the time with 1000 tasks.

I’m having a migraine since Saturday morning, I tried to survive it because I saw I only have 1 pill of Nurofen left in the house, which I took it in the afternoon, because I couldn’t resist anymore. See, my migraine is not just headache, is also congested nose and foggy brain. And either cold, either warm, either both in the same time in different parts of the body. And this feeling that I cannot think clear of how I am feeling and how I feel about things… if it makes any sense.

I ordered myself a brand new toothbrush from lekarna.cz and I haven’t even got to open the box, to charge it and test it, for more than a week now…

I saw yesterday on YouTube some recipes of marinated chicken breast, I will try to see if I can cook it… at some point this week.

And yeah, we go shopping now. Bye!

When your natal language sounds exotic

For the past month I’ve been listening on repeat only songs in Romanian. And it is bringing me some feeling of “wait, I know this foreign language… and I’m so bloody missing it.”

I’ve lived a bit more than a quarter of my life, outside of my natal country… Lately there are days when I don’t get to speak it at all, because I don’t have with whom. But the saddest part is having conversations with other Romanian natives in English, because.. multinational environment.

I’ve probably mentioned this already, but I have always wanted to have a daughter with whom to speak in English. Everybody asks me why I don’t speak Romanian with her.. it’s because.. I simply can’t. I mean, after the last trip to the granma and granpa, she did start to understand a lot, but I mainly let only them to speak with her like this. I wanted her to have a completely different start than I had. She does seems smart, at her 2.5 yo, bi-lingual, plus exposure to the third one, definitely smarter than I was.. ha ha

This evening we’ve been shopping.. I have not taken her shopping for more than 1 month, because she is at the age of tantrums… and running after her between the shelves is not necessarily my idea of fitness. But she is reasonable… she is not insisting on buying stuff that we don’t need, but she does want to touch them and see what they are… is funny to explain her what the things are in a city where probably not even 10% of the people speak fluently English.. So today, it made me so happy when she went in front of me and she said out of the blue “this way, mami”.

You cannot even imagine how I feel when I hear her using words for the first time and in the correct context. Some days ago, I looked at her shocked, when I heard her repeat in English all numbers from 1 to 10, after her YouTube video. She is also very funny when she is practicing speaking, just by herself, with her two Peppas or with her collection of toy cars. And then she starts washing her Peppa Pig in a bowl, with the sponge from the dishes… absolutely every gesture that she makes has a meaning, she is “speaking” so much even without speaking.

Anyhow, the other reason why I don’t want to speak with her in Romanian is because we have so many literally shitty expressions that don’t mean anything but frustrations. So this way I’m basically happy to replace them all with “fuck”. Oh yeah, is much softer than some of the “anatomically correct” expressions I got to grow up with.

But, now, going back to my… missing the language. It is a quite hard language.. for example, I’m listening songs in English and Spanish and they seem much easier to memorize than songs in Romanian…

Why I’m not writing this in my natal language? Because .. it’s too intense… so I prefer to keep it just for feeling it.

“Eu stiu ce sunt / Eu stiu ce-am fost / Dar nu mai recunosc / Fata din oglinda. / Eu stiu ce simt / Si e dureros / Sa nu mai recunosc / Fata din oglinda.”

Now, honestly, pregnancy and motherhood changes us so radically. In all the pictures that I have after 5-6 months pregnant and also after giving birth, I don’t recognize myself. So I have to “assign” myself the image of some character that I saw in some movie, to know how I should be behaving according to my age and my physique.