The chief woman of the house

Some long years ago, in a broad discussion about synesthesia (?!), he said that my personality has died many times, because of me. I did put thought into this at that time, but it didn’t matter that much, as he had still been there the next day, with more food for my thoughts. Now it does, it took me few days to figure what he meant. And actually in one of his writings I found also the answer: Allegedly your personality dies when you start seeing the world through someone else’s eyes. At least I think this is what he meant.

I think I adopted this thing of seeing the reality though someone else’s eyes about the same time when I started reading seriously about spirituality. Autumn 2007 – Spring 2008, when I experienced the most profound changes and revelations of my life. When I started pushing all the limits I was seeing, just to see what really happens. When I had to re-write the map of my boundaries. When I realized that after you get to know yourself and you finally get to the limits that you simply cannot cross (due to legal considerations), you can still develop, but by starting to know others from their own perspective, by putting yourself in their shoes. Is this bad? My personality never died, it just went a little on a side :)) Acting through other characters in the real life, not only on a stage. Is this bad? Ok, maybe it makes me very hard to get to know. Nevertheless, you can get to know the real me if you stay around long enough.

My mom used to have a saying that she used quite often when I was a child, when certain individual came into the discussion: “he/she has not even A DROP of personality”. Of course they do, everyone does, just that maybe you are not spiritually developed enough to be able to see it. I actually told her this at some point, when I started to feel shame on behalf of those individuals. And yes, mom has a big personality, maybe too big, for her own safe. At least this is how she appears.

Now, about seeing the world through someone else’s eyes. I noticed most people don’t like this, especially when you start to think like that person and even reply in conversations in the same style he/she used to reply or even up the point when you actually say the same things he/she intended to say. It did happen to me some times to feel so mentally connected with someone, that I was feeling we are one and the same body.

Ok, I admit it. Sometimes is much easier to be someone else, to know how to maintain a conversation with someone while not feeling not even a bit, since every reply is mentally calculated. Just make sure you do this as far as possible from the muse. As a child I was lacking very much in the emotionally development department, perhaps I still do, but now in most of my daily situations the SQ and IQ are taking over and leading the character, by using phrases and ways of approaching situations that I learned through someone else’s life experience. I am also terrified of being rejected, yet I’m searching for adrenaline in places where a normal individual wouldn’t. But what is normal, anyway?

Wait, I got distracted, I forgot I started this post with the intention of writing about me. Or didn’t I? What I’m trying to say is that, as reality is infinite, your personality can be also infinite, as long as you don’t repeat yourself in a way that is getting the audience bored and starts pointing on your flaws, in a search for adrenaline. As long as you keep yourself grounded and they all know about the others, you can have as many personalities as you want. :))

June 18th, 2017

Me acaba de entrar algo nuevo en la cabeza y estoy muy curiosa cuanto me va quedar. Una nueva obsesión que me tiene muy entusiasmada.

No physical sign about it yet, but the idea has been implanted and all sorts of thoughts and paths started to rush in. And this time I don’t feel like I’m crazy by thinking and reading about it… I’m  definitely wishing it and praying for it to happen. I even found the epic date, with my astrology program.

Minulou noc jsem zůstala až do dvou hodin o tom četla… Dnes jsem porovnavala seznamy věcí, které jsou tomu potřeba. Je hodne seznamů a rad, ale nikde nejde najít vše v jednom balíčku.

I’m considering to move to Finland. Maybe I should start learning the language. As soon as reading this post starts to not be hilarious anymore to me. Until then, Good night and Happy dreams!

Abstenerse

Just found out today is the International Day of Peace… which proves once again that my syncronicity isn’t yet dead.😀 yeah, I don’t have to write quite everything on my blog.

I noticed I forgot how to say “to abstain” (synonym with “to refrain”) in spanish. It’s abstenerse (according to Google translate), I was very close though with “abtenerme”, it’s understandable – if you want to write a peace offering message in the middle of the night, in 3 languages. Ok, I wrote it.

If you conjugate it, as to say: “I managed to abstain myself”, it seems “he logrado abstenerme” isn’t quite correct… I don’t know, a 6th sense maybe. Still trying to find the correct way to say it… a weird verb to conjugate, this “abstenerse” thing.

Chiron conjunct North Node in Synastry

You know? they say the best way to learn a foreign language is to make a new friend with whom to speak only in that language. I want a friend who speaks astrology. Someone who can inspire and challenge me. Someone who understands what I mean when I say “stellium of Venus, Pluto, Juno and Sun in Scorpio”, for example.

I know I was ambivalent about this throughout the years, but now is already a part of me. It’s part of my phantasy world, my fortress of solitude… my oasis of peace… my ivory tower. It’s what makes me feel me. Real yet very much elusive. When I meet someone new that I find interesting, the exchange of birthdays is more signficant for me than the exchange of phone numbers.

Someone once told me to stop with this astrology thing, some years ago. I would only dare to say something like this to someone if I would be sure that I know much more in the field than that person and only if I’m sure they will never be able to reach that level.

Yeah.. I feel pretty much autistic right now. I’d wish things mean more than they actually do. Yeah, I know how old I am… and I don’t want to think about this too much, I don’t want to cross the line from creative to depressive. Not today at least, it’s imposible today: I ate 6 rows from a 7 rows chocolate bar for dinner.😀

Take me home

“Would you take the wheel
If I lose control?
If I’m lying here
Will you take me home?”

In a time and place when you count the hours until the only exciting and interesting thing that happens – a new edition of Next Star, respectively, a new edition of America’s got Talent – and you patiently wait for them to upload the videos on youtube… anyway… it looks that God does have a way of giving me some periods of whole months from time to time, just to reflect.

Currently Juno is transiting my Asc+Ven+Sat.. like in Dec 2011. Nothing interesting about this. Yet maybe something interesting should happen. I know 3 people with natal Juno in this position… but I’m not expecting anything. Where there are 3 there is room for another one. :)) On Oct 10th Venus will catch it also and dance together in the middle of my first house.

This evening I danced. Alone in the living room. Like no one was watching. I felt happy. (maybe having vegetarian pasta for dinner and a shot of visinata helped :D).

Starting beginning of next year Pluto will finally leave my 2nd House. It has “tortured” me enough for the past 16 years. 16 years, God, half of my life! And then 22 years in the 3rd House, which I’m seeing as a positive thing since I have no planets in my 3rd House.

Yeah, everyone was born for a reason, with their own set of talents. Some of them were born to waste night hours writing on their blog that gets to be read only by very special persons also wasting their night hours. Isn’t this awesome?

Two days ago I saw… wait, or was it yesterday? Yeah, yesterday evening I saw a video on youtube about the vibration spectrum of different emotions and about raising your vibration by enforcing positive words. The lady that was talking about this was saying so many things that I might have believed some long years ago but the reality made me forget them. I was listening to her and looking at her body language trying to spot something that could make me say: “yeah, she’s lying, she’s such an impostor! just wanting to get the money of the poor people in the audience!” But I couldn’t find anything. There was a meditation scene where you had to imagine you are in a sphere and this sphere is expanding covering the bed/chair/couch where you sit, expanding until it covers the whole room/bus/metro/airplane, the county, the country, the Earth, the planets etc.

I was already laughing out of pure joy when I covered the house. And then I didn’t know what to do with the energy anymore so I started storing it inside. Home.

Wake me up inside

You know that thing when you want something to happen, you visualize it more and more until you get to attract it? Well, after certain years you realize that things don’t usually come your way the way you wanted them. Either come too late, when you moved on and you don’t need them anymore, so being confronted with the same things again brings you more bitterness than happiness, either come in a form that makes you compromise or get out of your comfort zone in a direction where you never dreamed about. And you conclude that perhaps you don’t know what you need… and you remain disappointed… and let faith decide. And slowly you stop wishing for things to happen, you just dream about them, with absolutely no intention for realizing them… also because, by not using it, you start to lose the ability of visualizing things. So you just live. What will come will come.

The problem is that I have a dream that keeps repeating for the past half of year.. I think once per week, or so. It’s part of vivid dreaming, when I realize I am in a certain place, so part of me knows I am dreaming and I am aware that anything can happen, yet every time I want to go towards “this place”. Every single time.. so excited about it, like everytime is the first time I come up with that idea. Yet I never arrive there. Anymore. I was there, some years ago, in my dreams, of course, and I still remember everything I dreamed, in details, when I was not even aware that I’m wishing to go there, in real world, when I probably had more chances than I have now.

But when I’m dreaming, wanting to go there has become more than just obsession, lately, has become despair. And I trully believe that I can get there… until I wake up… or I’m getting caught in some other dream. I’m suffering from dream-delusion. How epic sounds this. It has become a stringent need to find a part of the objective reality projected in there. More like, skipping reality. Like coming back with something that could help me in the awaken world. Like pre-cognition. But so far I can’t remember dreaming about something of significance, it never happened to me to dream about something real, I mean something that I was able to prove it was real.

Summer is back

Yesterday afternoon and today morning, after breakfast, I’ve thrown a blanket over the recently mowned lawn in the garden and stretched myself on it and it was epic. Thing I haven’t done all summer… just catching sun and relaxing.

So we are searching to buy a new car, after Fiesta dropped us literally in the middle of the street on Thursday. Lucky it was at sunset and the street was empty. Still I had to overcome my fear and be in a car alone, when I took my chances and crossed the main street from Olesna to home, me in the car and boyfriend pushing it… we had to call neighbor to haul the car over the big hill, 1 km until home.

Yeah, this afternoon we plan to go shopping by bike. So light shopping. And next week probably 2 times again. Lucky it looks the weather will be very nice, we had some days in middle of August when we seriously discussed heating the house, as it was just 17 degrees in it during the day :))

I found a new series: “You’re the Worst”. It’s so funny. And I love the entry soundtrack.

“From the bottom of my broken heart even though time may find me somebody new…” It’s funny how I was listening to these lyrics and singing them while barely understanding half of them, in 1999. And “Sometimes”. God, I loved it so much, at that time I was identifying myself so much with those lyrics.I was trying to write them down and asking Madalina to correct them. Where are you girl??

And 2+7 equals also 9

While browsing some archived mail items I found a poem I must have written some long years ago, yet I cannot remember anything about writing it:

“I’m here. I’m standing on this open rift
To find the love you sent and fell in the abyss.

I’ll jump to catch it, thinking “this is safe!”
Yet here I fall and looks it’ll only be in vain…

With all I am. May seem that all I do
It’s only dreaming, more and more, of You.

I’ll send you smiles!! – as way to resurrect
Your broken heart:🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

I know you’ll like them and they’ll glue the shards,
But they will never bring you back into my arms.”

After years and years we get to realize that most of the times we fell in love only with our mere selves, as we got to reveal ourselves in the presence of someone we thought special.

Things that keep me awake at night

So in Romania, from July 1st 2016, the amount of money you get in the leave for raising your child, until reaches 2 years old, is 85% from your salary. Ok, from the average of the last 12 worked months in the past 2 years prior the birth of the child.

So if you had the average monthly disposable salary, of 2211 ron*, you would get 1879 ron. Ok, perhaps more, if meal-vouchers and other bonuses/allowances are also included in your taxable income. I hope.

In Czech Republic the average monthly disposable salary is 24507 czk*… Unfortunately here you (still) get a fix amount, which is 11500 czk, if you opt until the child reaches 2 years old, indifferent how much you had the salary.

11500 czk is (today) 1893 ron, which, in absolute value, is just a little over what you get in Romania. But in relative value is smaller. Much smaller, if you also have to pay rent.

And there is even another issue, 2211 ron you get in the first 3-4 years of career (talking here in my case, as economist, not IT or audit or banking), after 5-6 years of experience in the field you could get to 3500 ron net. Still shitty, I know.. but that’s life.. Anyway, for 3500 ron, the amount for raising child is 2975.

In Czech Republic doesn’t matter how much you could have, if you still get 11500 czk.

And due to 100 reasons, that I could write right now, when I will have a child I will definitely want to be 100% of his life in his first 3 years.

Conclusion: To be effective for me to keep living here I would need a rich husband. Or not to get pregnant.

Now seriously, this is really keeping me awake at nights. And I didn’t even start calculating how much I’ll have to spend until the baby is actually born (and the actual birth itself). I’m disappointed. Wedding? what wedding? to get a husband I have to get married?? Now you’re telling me??! I might seriously start considering remaining only with my imaginary children, Klara and Diana.

*from http://www.numbeo.com/cost-of-living/compare_cities.jsp?country1=Czech+Republic&country2=Romania&city1=Prague&city2=Bucharest as of today

Zubats and Lazybats

“Kill em with kindness”… 00:51 AM

I can’t sleep… probably because I woke up this morning at an hour that I’m ashamed to write here. There was a storm and I woke up scared at around 5 in the morning when my other half was preparing to wake up and go to work.. I fell asleep again…

“I’m so into you”… wtf playlist has this youtube? This is definitely not making me fall asleep, it’s just nourishing my emotional-maniac state, that feeds my insomnia😀

De la o vreme a inceput sa nu-mi mai placa de mine. M-am lenevit rau de tot. Bag ca scuza faptul ca am avut 3 oase rupte acum mai mult de juma de an, ca sa nu ma obosesc prea tare cu sportul. Parca aveam mai mult chef cand inca mergeam in carje. Sau poate e o stare temporara. Mi-am pierdut motivatia..

Acum cateva saptamani am visat ca m-a intrebat de ce nu am ramas insarcinata pana acum.. Buna intrebare. Probabil pentru ca sunt mai mult decat jumatate animal, nu ma inmultesc bine in captivitate. :))

“One call away” ?! Serios, Youtube? Ma duc la culcare pana nu ma apuca plansul…