If you had come, you would’ve seen me

I guess a part of me always knew I was writing it wrong.. but I never had the strength to accept it and the guts and the energy to search and to learn the proper way to write it. Until few days ago when I watched a movie and it finally resonated with me, from the dialogue.

I got it. It makes sense now. Which means I have to take all blog from the beginning of time until the present day, read everything and correct. And I’ll probably discover more errors. It’s tough, you know, to have things to say, but, because you are not wrapping them in the correct form, your message doesn’t get anywhere.. it just floats somewhere in a limbo.. I’m proud of what I learned so far nonetheless, because I’m conscious I did it all alone, I had zero classes of English in school and I couldn’t stress this enough.

I’ve noticed people bragging with proficiency certificates, receiving compliments from others, although having beginner spelling mistakes in the same paragraph. Yes, it’s hard. Yet it makes me more empathetic, while understanding that the world is not a fair place. Competency is not always the decisive factor in one’s success, also attitude and likability play star roles. Now I wonder if anyone in their right mind would choose to make mistakes on purpose and why.

I think in English most of my day, my sentences are not made of raw words, they are made of expressions and phrases, so, sometimes it’s difficult to build something from scratch. And this anxiety that, whoever reads them, might find countless mistakes, but doesn’t give even that little amount of energy to point out the wrong… it makes one feel completely worthless sometimes. I guess, yeah, we should always cherish the people who dare to show us our mistakes… especially in this so “politically correct” era we’re living now.

I have a house with an infinite number of rooms. It is always in the same place. I go there each time I want to be alone with myself, I go from one room to another, pass through 10-12 rooms until I find one and I lock myself inside, knowing that nobody can ever find me there. And then I start searching through the drawers curious what my subconscious is able to create. It’s amazing. Knowing that you are dreaming, that no matter what you find and what you do in that room is not real, it has no effect when you’ve woken up, yet the memory remains.

Last time I dreamt this, I found myself in a hallway, with the door from the room I just exited and another 4 other doors all marked bathrooms. A bit weird..

Last night I dreamt something troubling. Something bad that happened to me in real life, but it didn’t affect me that much then, as it did now when I was dreaming it. Maybe because I was hoping that there are still plenty of chances for it to happen again, in the right way this time. Yet, with each month that passes I’m burying the disappointment deeper and deeper in my subconscious. I mean, what do I win by complaining about it? Nobody can/wants to/has to help me. Only time. Who knows.. someday… through a movie.

I’m not living the life I want. Probably because I grew up, because I learned that living on this planet comes with making sacrifices. Ohhh… and I’m still not doing anything compared to others. Take vegetarians for example.

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Captured – The Healing Moon

November 10th 2022 – one week after that episode with Moon’s nightmare, it’s Tara’s birthday and she invited Moon and her current partner to a transcendental meditation lecture.

We don’t know much about what this means and what it implies, but it sounds fancy… and holistic. Transcendental meditation. Perfectly suitable for Moon and Jesus’ object of work. As they were a bit late, because their baby-sitter cancelled in the last minute and they had to negotiate with Josie, to watch over her younger siblings and tuck them in to bed, when they arrived at the lecture almost all seats were occupied.

Tara, impatient, kept looking for them and when she finally saw them she raised a hand to catch their attention. She had saved them two seats.

– Jesus Espejo, he presents himself, Holistic Therapy Consultant, and then adds laughing, Moon’s new husband.

– He is joking, interrupts Tara, they are not married, they only had Ben together.

– Jack Forester, said Tara’s date. Photographer. Wait a minute, I know you, says, looking at Moon.

Moon is blushing, but she says she doesn’t know who he is, if they ever met before she doesn’t remember him. So we believe her.

After they catch their breath they take their seats and pay attention to the lecture. The whole lecture. Very attentive. No giggling at all. If we hadn’t known Moon we may say she has a “thing” for men whose name starts with J.

Everything it’s over now – The Healing Moon

Anna opens the door and says: Guten Morgen, wie geht es Ihnen heute, Frau Sane? Sie haben Ihre Freundin Tara hier, Sie moechte Ihnen heute besuchen, sind Sie ok?

Moon opens her eyes and sees herself surrounded by white walls. Next to her, in bed, there is a doll in a pink tutu with the name Lia on its chest. The wall over her table is full of childish drawings all signed Josie. There is a broken badminton butterfly next to the garbage bin.

Moon looks confused.

She gets down from the bed and notices the floor is wet, something orange tainted her hospital white socks.

– Hi Moon? How are you feeling today?, starts Tara.

Moon instantly becomes pale and visibly in pain.

– I brought another drawing from Josie, she didn’t want to come herself, she said she cannot stand the smell anymore. And I brought you also a piece of cake from Meredith and Jason’s wedding.

At this point Moon starts screaming in agony.

– It’s ok, my love, I’m here. You’re home, everything is safe. You had another nightmare.

Just few seconds later a baby starts screaming his lungs out.

After kissing Moon one more time on her forehead, Jesus slowly stands from the bed and while still holding his eyes on Moon he starts moving towards the other side of the room. He leans over the crib and lifts up an adorable baby boy with huge brown eyes. From the other room, Josie barges in, with Lia in her arms begging to be put down.

Ruffus comes also, half asleep, while chewing on the poor badminton butterfly.

Two days after – The Healing Moon

On Monday, Jesus looked distant all morning, yet concentrated with training the new intern.

He appeared so confident, that even Moon, although she knew everything that moves around that place already, she would’ve joined them just to enjoy everything being explained one more time by him.

At 12:55 he shows up in front of her desk, now with a sunshine face, trying to contain his overwhelming smile and says:
– Will you join me for lunch or you want me to bring you something?
– Sure, thank you, I’ll join you. I have something I would like to consult with you.

After they almost finished their meals, she started fidgeting and playing with moving the food from one place to another in the plate.

She finally catches some air and shoots:
– It’s not fair to you.

Baffled, he leans a bit closer to her, over the table, and makes a gesture trying to express “I’m listening”.
– I will support you with anything you need here at work.
– I know, you are amazing, knowing and doing so many things, I am very grateful that you are always available.

– This is too unstable. As exciting and tempting as it is, our connection, it comes in tornado mode and brooms everything around.

– I see.. he slowly added.

– I ran our Holistic compatibility report, I asked Meredith for help in the astrology department, hope you don’t mind. She wrote me that Uranus square Venus-Mars gives this deep electrical attraction, but that’s all that is. I need stability, especially for my girls.
I need someone to be with us 24/7, the girls demand a lot of attention at this stage, you know Josie, you noticed she is a special kid, very vivid imagination, she needs to be monitored closely and have a well established routine, after everything she’s been through. And as I said, is not fair to you. Jesus, I don’t want to put that much responsibility over your shoulders, you need to live your life, to explore your full potential, not to tie yourself prematurely with us.
I know maybe you haven’t even tought about this, this far, but I had to disseminate it, well before it unfolded. I must think first about the future of my daughters.

– I understand, Moon. I know it must have been hard for you to tell me all this and I respect your reasons.

– We can let more time pass, see how the things unfold. I think we can be of very much help to each other here, on professional level, here at work. I’m planing to expand the Angels, this is my priority now, to attract more funds to have a stable practice here, I need it to become financially stable, so that I can get enought credit to buy a house. I don’t think I mentioned before, but, the rent for the house where we live now, is still paid by my ex-husband. If Jason decides to marry Meredith I cannot accept this anymore, so we will have to move out.

– I see. But I’m asking you to let me take care of you, Moon. You need to be taken care also, you have also been through many life changing situations, which made you grow up faster than most. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you to live without a mom. I understand that you want to make sure Josie and Lia will never feel this. My intentions are and will always be to add value to your life, not to take from you. I definitely don’t want to make you feel like I’m taking advantage of your vulnerability.

Ok, so now we also kiss – The Healing Moon

September 19th 2020

All house is full of kids, from ages 8 to 1, celebrating Lia’s birthday.

2 of course, as you successfully did the math yourself, from the other episodes. 😀

At one point every high voice shuts and Moon rushes surprised from the kitchen, where she was preparing to serve the fruit cake, and she sees Jesus standing out from the middle of the crowd, doing some tricks with cups, which amazingly captivated all eyes.

Josie and Lia know Jesus well and they like him, as he was occasionally baby-sitting, when Moon had doctor appointments or errands to run, he was very pleased to teach them Spanish. Remember Moon remained to raise the children alone only with the help of the Angels.

The Angels is the name of the foundation that helps people through Holistic Healing Therapy, where Moon started working, after she got resurrected, as no other field seemed appropriate anymore for her now.

This is where she met Jesus. She didn’t notice him really until a couple of months ago when they were at a small barbecue party by the lake, celebrating 5 years since The Angels Foundation was… founded.

With his rebelious curled hair and very brown eyes, he was not her type at all. But now that she already had her blue-eyed and blond-haired genes from Jason and her, passed forward with Josie and Lia, she started to give herself a break in this aspect and not reject guys from the start just because they are smiling at her with a different color of eyes.

Besides, Jesus was also much younger than her, younger by more than 20% her age, and if it were to find herself another partner she was looking for a stable mid-life age type with enough financial means and experience to feel comfortable raising the girls together.

Jesus was almost the opposite of Jason, very open and friendly, jumping to help anyone, anytime, basically the guy next door, that you easily put in the friend zone from the first moment you meet.

About four months ago, Jesus had a case with an abused mom which needed to rebuild her life with her twin toddlers, away from her alcoholic husband. And he realized it might be good to consult also with Moon in order to see her perspective and be able to put himself in the client’s shoes and relate better to her struggle, so she asked her colleague Moon for some help. After they managed to put the young mom more or less back on her track, the time came for this barbecue party.

He was multi-tasking, taking care of the grill and also playing the role of the children’s personal bartender, preparing them all sort of lemonades and virgin cocktails.

At one point she looks up from her stuff, takes a deep breath and notices the blue sky and a small breeze through her hair, when she gets hit in the face by a badminton butterfly, waking her up from her reverie.

She heads to the table with the food and from a different direction Jesus arrives apparently on a trajectory for occupying the same exact place.

While having this serendipitous moment of being too close to each other, she noticed he was holding a glass with some orangey beverage in it. He hands it to her, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if, just 2 minutes before, she had requested this custom-made beverage just for herself. But they hadn’t even had the chance to say Hi to each other for that day.

She looked at him, straight into his eyes and she didn’t know what to do, if to take it or not. It was smelling like it was not an art-piece suitable for children. When almost 5 seconds passed and he was still in the same position of handing the glass to her, she felt the awkwardness and she took it, out of a mixture of fear and hope that he hadn’t noticed she was reluctant to accept it and also praying that nobody else spotted this ridiculous moment.

She said thanks with a seemingly retained smile and each went back to their “places of battle” they were assigned for that day.

The same cheerful guy is now occupying a place in her living room, captivating her also, that she jumps next to him in the middle or the crowd, to try to do the trick herself.

He has such an amazing influence on her, energizing her at a visceral level, making her react in ways she never knew she was capable anymore and experiencing organic happiness again, after so much time when she got convinced that now that she is a single mom she needs to be very responsible, not allowing herself even to joke anymore.

She learned he got himself under her skin long before the conscious part of her brain noticed. It was in that moment when she was shopping for a pink tutu for Lia, when a grey hoodie with two dinosauri with very short arms caught her attention. It was written “Hug Me” on its chest, it was cute and funny. And that’s when she had a flash of desire of buying that for herself and puting it on some day when Jesus is also around, shocked to learn that she was indeed yearning for a hug from him.

After the party ended, Jesus was the last one to leave and, with a hand on the door knob, after scanning around to make sure all house is back into place, without saying anything, he made a step closer to those two creatures in front of him, owned by a face which was now so naturally smiling, even also with her ears, and leaned to Moon’s lips, touching them with his, in an appropriately amount of moist union, which only lasted for 1 second.

Different in so many ways, yet that felt the most natural thing in the world, for both of them. So beautiful.

To be continued.

Let me know you’re feeling me and seeing all the things I see

Today I said No. Plain and simple. In a place where I am not comfortable to refuse anything, but lately I noticed I was overloading myself unnecessarily with all sort of ad-hocs even if that meant spending a lot more time aside from my planned daily tasks, probably because I was caring too much about “saving the day” for everyone who was requesting anything from me, sometimes even juggling with 3 tasks in the same time.

So today I was taken by surprise with this newly acquired assertiveness of mine.. admitting that I’m not a Hero, not even close, but I need to take care of my health at some given times also. And you don’t usually want to mess with me when I’m passed my eating hour, as I’m converting in quite a Hangry Monster.

Now, the problem is, even if I did my best to not let it touch me and to shake my waters, I still got dragged into the topic without even having the chance to defend myself and even if I rejected it I couldn’t focus properly anymore on what I was having in my priority list before closing the day, which now took me double time to conclude. So I need to learn of saying No and standing my ground without feeling sorry after. And I even have several relevant reasons to support my decision, so why am I still feeling sorry about it, several hours after?

Ok, now moving on. I saw Enrique Iglesias this week. From several meters, unfortunately, a bit too far to feel anything, but he got me captivated by the end of the show. He is such a nice and warm person, I was expecting this from what I was able to read from his songs, but this is exactly how he is also in reality. And I was surprised to see how skinny he is in reality. And a bit crazy, in a funny way. I mean, he was giving everything he has for the show.

Sometimes in the middle he sat on his knees and bowed down in an exterior corner of the stage and stood there for more than a minute, in “being overwhelmed with gratitude for everything I have mode”. I hope it was that and not because he was not feeling good or anything. He turned 43 the same day.. which makes me realize how old I am. 😀 I remember I discovered him around the age when I had my first crush on a boy, mostly because it appeared to me that this boy looks like Enrique. I don’t know how my subconscious got to this conclusion.

And yeah. I went also to the new office, that, I was surprised to see on the map, is neighboring Argentinska Street. Funny, God, funny. And on Monday I had a thrilling session in Spanish with my colleague from Buenos Aires (or that was last week?!). And another 1h brainstorming session on a different topic and with a different character and public which left me shaking when it finished. Interesting.. I mean, interesting… some energy dynamics still left to study here.

Tobele primaverii

Desi, tinand cont ca azi dimineata la 8 erau 27 de grade si de furtuna cu fulgere si pietre de gheata, de asta seara, as putea zice ca a venit deja vara.

Am ajuns la pagina 117. Merge mult mai repede versiunea in romana pe tableta, de pe Scribd.. macar atat, daca tot platesc abonament si pentru asta. Kindle-ul meu nici nu stiu pe unde e.. a pus stapanire leul pe el.

Sau as putea citi in paralel si versiunea pe hartie in engleza/scotiana, venita tocmai din America, pe care am comandat-o chiar in seara in care am vazut ultimul episod din sezonul III, am zis ca nu voi putea astepta pana la vara/toamna cand va incepe Sezonul IV, trebuie sa vad ce se mai intampla.

Am cumparat la oferta Drums of Autumn, A breath of Snow and Ashes si The Fiery Cross… m-am supraestimat. Cantareste fiecare carte peste 1 kg, deci nu prea se pune problema cititului pe drum.. iar de cand le-am cumparat am citit alte 3 si tot nu ma atinseseram de ele. Daca realizam asta de atunci le cumparam direct digitale. A mai trebuit sa trimit si declaratie la posta si sa platesc aproape inca o data valoarea cartilor in taxe postale si vamale, pentru ca valoarea declarata a coletului depasea 25 euro. Dar am 3 carti tiparite si venite special din America, dau bine in biblioteca. :))

Mda.. deci ne vedem cand ajung la pagina 627. Sau cand va incepe Sezonul IV, depinde care eveniment se va produce primul.

Am o vaga banuiala ca in curand va incepe Sezonul IV din Good Witch. The Good Place era si el continuat, nu?

What?!! Sezon nou de 3%?? Ok, pa-pa Brianna. Pa-pa Roger. Ne vedem la toamna. Ca trebuie sa-mi scot investitia si din abonamentul la Netflix.

Oaza mea de liniste

M-am intors de la o festivitate locala in aer liber, in fiecare an se impodobeste un varf de brad, in varful unei prajini, prin care se sarbatoreste trecerea catre viata de adult a tinerilor din zona, care implinesc 18 ani in anul respectiv. De data asta era trecut un 2000 mare colorat de-a lungul prajinii. Ne-au invadat, gata, imi ziceam in gand, oamenii nascuti in mileniul al 3-lea, au atins maturitatea. Lumea e a lor. S-a terminat.

Am baut o bere si am mancat niste prajituri de casa, pe care le serveau tinerii sarbatoriti, ca in fiecare an. I-am lasat leului hanoracul meu si i-am propus un pariu pe 500 de coroane, ca daca il las acolo singur (venise si un amic de-al lui, adica avea si cu cine sa se antreneze) sigur nu vine acasa in urmatoarele doua ore si pana ajunge da de mancare la toti puii de rata si la toti soriceii din cartier.

Am ajuns acasa, m-a cam luat ameteala, abia acum incepuse sa-si faca berea efectul, dupa ce s-a digerat salata cu somon la gratar pe care mi-am facut-o repede inainte sa plec, ca sa nu ma duc la party chiar pe burta goala.

Si m-am apucat in tihna sa termin cartea, imi mai ramasesera vreo 10 pagini. Cele mai interesante de altfel. Imi cam venea sa plang cand am dat pagina si am dat de cuprins.

Acum nu stiu ce sa mai fac cu mine, am trait mai mult prin cartea asta in ultima saptamana. Am luat site-urile de stiri la rand, instagram, site-urile mele preferate de astrologie, Facebook, chiar nimic nou, nimic captivant.

Celalalt Facebook… faza tare, acum cica nu e asociat niciun cont acelei adrese de email. Imi place. Au adaugat o masura in plus ca, atunci cand ti se face dor sau te apuca asa pur si simplu o foiala, sa realizezi ca trebuie sa privesti inainte si sa sapi in continuare dupa apa proaspata, sa lasi lacurile de acumulare, acumulate pentru altii, in pace. Sa intelegi ca in sfarsit nu mai are rost sa te tii la curent cu fantomele, mai mult din reflex, din obisnuinta, decat din vreo dorinta anume.

Mda. Apoi mai trebuie sa ma lupt si cu obsesia de a fi la curent cu ce se intampla la munca. Asta e cel mai mare dezavantaj cand lucrezi de acasa, nu prea poti sa te deconectezi. Pe mine cel putin ma apuca asa cateodata, o stare de panica din senin, si-mi vine sa-mi citesc mailurile, chiar daca e trecut de 9 seara sau in weekend.

De cele mai multe ori reusesc sa ma abtin, asta pentru ca am realizat, pana la urma, ca, daca le citesc si e ceva important pentru mine, ma apuc sa rezolv atunci si ma trezesc ca se face 10, 10:30, 11 noaptea si eu tot cu laptopul in brate sunt si cu ochii impaienjeniti, torturandu-ma la lumina veiozei si pomenind printre dinti toate versiunile de Excel de la binary pana la macro enabled 😀

Adica vreau sa zic ca, daca dau de vreo eroare sau nu-mi iese vreo formula, sunt capabila sa stau pana la 1 noaptea sa scotocesc prin toate cotloanele si prin toate tab-urile ascunse ca sa o rezolv, pentru ca altfel pur si simplu nu pot sa dorm. Norocul meu e ca nu mi s-a intamplat asta decat de doua ori, in vreo 4 ani de lucrat de acasa. Si ca nu le am cu programarea, ca, daca ar fi trebuit sa vanez erori si prin Visual Basic, cred ca as cam fi luat-o razna deja.

Mda. Mai e un minut si as fi castigat pariul. Ce e misto intr-o relatie de atatia ani e ca ajungi sa cunosti omul respectiv mai bine decat incearca el sa-ti comunice ca se cunoaste si ajungi sa vezi prin el, sa te amuzi pe seama promisiunilor lui. E recomfortant. Asta si pentru ca alte griji decat sa hranim cainele de doua ori pe zi si sa avem grija sa aiba apa in permanenta nu prea avem. E un caine foarte de sine statator, nu solicita prea multa atentie. Update: a venit, foarte vesel, ok, cu doua minute inainte de doua ore jumate, el asa intelesese pariul. 😀

Si eu sunt la fel, dupa multe furtuni interne in copilarie, m-a invatat in sfarsit viata sa ma descurc, fara prea mult impins de la spate, uneori mi-a fost mai greu, alteori mai usor. De cele mai multe ori, cand n-am avut ajutorul de care aveam nevoie, l-am inventat pur si simplu, asta pentru ca, si atunci cand il ceream, rareori primeam inapoi ceva care sa ma ajute intradevar, pe mine.

M-am deschis catre mine si am indraznit sa-mi spun, in taina, ceea ce imi doream sa aud. M-am imaginat a fi altcineva si mi-am luat la rand toate variantele posibile de raspuns, pe care le vedeam, la intrebarile mele existentiale, pana cand o dadeam dint-una intr-alta si uitam si care a fost intrebarea originala. Pana cand am realizat ca orice om cu care interactionezi te ajuta intr-un fel, sa-ti indeplinesti destinul, a ceea ce esti cu adevarat. M-am obisnuit sa spun Multumesc, din suflet, pentru orice feedback, cat ar fi el de mic.

Scrisul asta pe blog, pare a fi solutia tuturor angoaselor mele, ma tine departe, pe o linie de plutire, ma distrage, intr-un mod recomfortant. Mi s-a spus de vreo doua ori ca nu suntem la terapie, atunci cand am ajuns sa ma simt probabil prea comfortabil intr-o discutie, si am inceput sa exprim anumite chestii, poate prea intime, prin locuri mai putin primitoare.

Imi pare rau, sincer, nu stiam ca aia inseamna sa fii la terapie, credeam ca aia inseamna sa interactionezi, ca sa poti cunoaste persoana respectiva cu adevarat, sub toate zidurile ei de protectie. Ma rog. Asa vad eu viata si interactiunea dintre persoane, interesate una de alta. Notiunea mea de terapie, aia pe care am auzit-o in copilarie, ca se practica, doar la nebuni, era sa fii legat de pat si sa ti se aplice electrosocuri. Adica pana nu te lua cineva cu forta, legat intr-o camasa alba, inca te puteai considera un om normal, care doar purta o conversatie, oricat de intensa ar fi fost ea si nu necesita vreo terapie.

Poate ca sunt cu adevarat un spirit vindecator. Sau poate ca doar imi place sa-mi imaginez asta. Poate ca am o rana foarte adanca, pe care nu pot sa o vindec decat vindecandu-i pe altii prin iubirea mea. Iubire, pe care am invatat cu timpul sa o diferentiez de nevoie, si sa pot sa o ofer, fara sa simt ca rup din mine.

Atunci cand reusesti cu adevarat sa dai ceva din tine, ceva care este si primit la randul sau, cand te poti desprinde, putin cate putin, constient.

Si poate ca unele persoane chiar nu sunt nimic altceva decat ziduri de protectie si cand in sfarsit crezi ca ai ajuns la centrul fiintei lor, ori gasesti un vid care-ti absoarbe instant tot cheful de viata ori gasesti o oglinda.

E ok cu vidul. E foarte ok, de altfel, pentru ca, o data ce ai ajuns acolo, ai adus cu tine aer… umiditate. Si datorita tie, acolo nu va mai fi niciodata vid, va incepe sa inmugureasca viata.

Sau, in cazul oglinzii, te uiti cu sfiala in ea si vezi o lumanare intr-un colt, palpaind firav. Te freci la ochi si incet-incet incepi sa vezi cristale, din ce in ce mai stralucitoare, de jur imprejurul lumanarii, vibrand in toate culorile. O pestera, doar a ta, pe care doar tu ai avut sansa sa o descoperi. Si-ti amintesti ca la randul tau si tu ai fost odata vid.

Gata, ca mi-e foame iar. Mi-a mai ramas o bucata de somon. Ce sa faci, daca partenerul iti e vegetarian… te sacrifici si-l mananci tu pe tot. 😀

Crumbling sapphires 2

Or “when you discover the stories on your blog have more substance and are more captivating than the book you started 1 month ago and are struggling to finish”.

But that’s ok, each human needs a certain amount of love and when this amount is not received in enough quantity from the exterior they start producing it in the interior. #self-love 😀

January 22nd, 2016. They just moved me from intensive care to.. regular care. I was still having perfusion on my right arm and the blood transfusion IV from the left arm was almost done. It was the hardest night of my life so far. My stomach was hurting, I was probably hungry, I was still in shock after the accident, now also scared because I couldn’t fall asleep and I was feeling so lonely.

My left leg was getting numb all the time and I was having to grab it with both arms, literally pulling it up by the flesh. I couldn’t fall asleep all night, I was looking at the wall clock in front of me and beginning for the hours to pass faster.

Midnight.. 1.. 2.. My stomach pain became so hard it was almost making me cry with every breath.

I called the nurse and she brought me an anti-acid. Didn’t help, of course. I really don’t know how I managed to survive until 6 am when I started hearing voices on the corridor. They came to wake us up, bringing hot water to wash our faces and brush our teeth.

I got scared when I realized I have blood on the sheet next to my head and on the left sleeve of the hospital gown. I called the nurse and then we noticed the IV that was used for the blood transfusion moved a bit, probably in a short moment when I did fall asleep, and there was room next to that little hose, stuck in the vein, for the blood to leak out.

There was a nice young nurse, all dressed in white, which didn’t speak English, but she was fluent in German and we agreed like this. “Guten Morgen. Sie sind schmutzig!”, she was telling me, after lifting up my blanket, while she was grabbing that special spray and a huge hot paper towel and carefully wiping the blood from the area between my legs, around my catheter.

No, unfortunately it was not a nightmare or a movie, it was real. That exclusively_lying_on_my_back_in_bed was my reality for 10 straight weeks. Whom to blame for that? Well no one in particular, or just me alone, maybe karma..

Fortunately, after one week, after they removed the catheter, I got able enough to clean myself alone, all my parts, and the constant pain from my broken pelvis, which was increasing each time I had to use the bedpan, started to fade away. And 2 years later I’m still pretty much alive and kicking, I just remembered this today and felt the need to share it.. because my right knee pissed me off again, was in elastic wrap all day and now in bed with one pillow under it, seriously thinking to request an x-ray, hope it is nothing serious.

Anyway, about the sapphires. Because the dream I had that time was too intense and it made me feel so good when I woke up, I decided to keep it longer for myself and consume from it all the syrup before sharing it with the world.

We were in some kind of outdoor classroom, he was sitting in the bench in front of me, on the left seat and we were smiling at each other and talking on the diagonal.

They were bringing us stuff on the tables to examine, first there were some black carbon balls, then there were some pretzels, then some blue-ish crystals, we knew they supposed to be sapphires but they could be easily scratched with the nail, so they were more like mica.

At one point I realized things are shifting too much, in a surreal rhythm, so it must be a dream. I looked at him and asked him what are we doing there, our school years are long gone, let’s go do something more age appropriate, as we always do in all dreams… eventually.

Then, some bad character came out of nowhere, from my right side, and hit me over my nose with a finger, like a gesture of mocking me. I got furious and with all my strength I grabbed the margin of the bench and hit him with all my force, with my right foot, straight into his stomach, while shouting at him to fuck off and go to hell.

I didn’t know I have that much anger piled up in me, my reaction caught me by surprise. And then this black-dressed creature leaned forward and raised his arms probably with the intention of beating the crap out of me, when he jumped from his bench and stood up in front of the creature, with his chest wide open, with the head leaning back, relaxed, yet while tensing his fists, as if “If you have something with her I invite you to pass through me first!”.

So the creature instantly calmed down and walked away without even looking at me again, didn’t even touch him.

Nobody ever defended me like this. I mean, nobody ever came to mock me, out of the blue either, but I mean in general, protection of any type of abuse, especially those that only my subconscious still remembers. You have no idea how good it made me feel, I was in clouds for a straight week.

I know it was a dream, of course, but the new feeling I had the chance to experience, was completely new and it felt amazing.

I had found a genuine source of strength, in my subconscious. I should never feel scared or weak anymore, there is always my dream alter-ego, ready to jump to defend me, anytime I need it.

And then they tell me I live too much in my own head, in a fantasy world, and I’m not grounded in this reality.

It’s ok, I think I’m grounded just enough to live independently yet able to still feed my soul with the celestial beauty, with which most humans are, unfortunately, simply incompatible.

About homeoffice and staycation..

Last night I dreamed someone was asking me for a toothbrush. 😐

Today I had my longest phone conversation entirely in czech and a visit to ophthalmologist for a consultation and measurement 100% in czech. It was… yeah.. it seems I have the same numbers as I had also 3 years ago, when I went last time, but the main reason why I went is because the lenses got too much scratched and they bug me. And I ordered new frames, will pick them next week. 🙂

So.. About my 2 days staycation yesterday and today.. Yeah.. I can conclude staycation makes depression worse. I’m joking. I mean, if I am able to joke and smile although I would spend all day in bed on the tablet, it means I’m not depressed, right?

So.. Today I realized that after so much time in homeoffice I am not capable to commute anymore. Just because I had to take a bus to the city and back and because I had lunch in office-mode. I mean, special menu for lunch, expedition mode, I was done in 10 min after I stepped on the door of the restaurant.

Unfortunately when I’m not in staycation and really working, the closest restaurant from me is at Olesna and it takes 15 min walk there, 15 min walk back and… Wait.. Actually… Maybe I should try this, maybe for working day lunch they move faster also.

Yesterday I read 5 pages. 😐 Today I only touched the book.

But I planted one flower. I mean, I moved a tiny flowerless plant from inside pot to outside ground.

Staycation is depressing. Working makes me feel useful. The thing is.. I was imagining some other activities for these 2 days but they happened to fall in the most falling days.. of the month. Not much fun to bike. And also extremely windy. It was crazy…

From home to bus station I had tears falling from my eyes and it wasn’t because of being sad. I don’t know.. Optimistic? What’s that? Does it have to do anything with eye doctor? You think that with the new glasses I will see the world more pink? Aren’t my shoes pink enough?!

Bonnie is crying that he wants out. He was out just 1h ago. 😐

Yeah. The most sad thing about staycation is when you wake up 5 min before usual waking up time and you cannot fall back asleep. And you have no motivation to get down to make coffee and climb back with the working laptop.

I tried last week, I worked from the desk. I have office chair and everything. I was feeling like there are needles in that chair after just 2h of sitting.. I told you I suffer from adhd. And from being human. It’s really hard these days. You need to eat like 4-5 times a day.. and nobody to cook for you.

I got used to eat cans. A lot of cans. Tuna, corn, beans, chick peas.. I love garbanzo beans. 🙂 It has become an ordeal even cooking my most favourite lunch ever: salmon with rice and vegetables.

In another dream we were talking together and then his phone beeps and he received a booty call message so I let him go. I can’t remember the name of the girl. There were more things that I dreamed last night but I can’t remember them..

Ok now I’m hungry. And not even funny anymore. I’m funny just by being completely funnyless.

I love my work. I mean, I’m starting to see the bigger picture, to understand the role of all the processes I’m doing every day.

I got to a certain level of proficiency to make me feel useful and important, like I’m saving the day with that piece of information that only I have.

I got to a certain level of comfort to not feel like I’m working from one salary to another anymore. I mean, it’s been more than 12 years since I got my first worked money: 700 eur “beca” for my 3 months part-time internship in Spain. A fortune at that time for me.

If I didn’t have to work I think I’d die. The only thing I could really not live without. Can I marry my work? 😀

Wait. The owner of the house and of the 1/2 of the car just got home. Maybe I should buy myself a house also. 😀