Nothing else to say – T.H.M – pre-Chapter VII

As Moon was working on some excel sheet at her desk of massive walnut wood, she noticed there was something wrong with the sheet.. the columns and the rows were not as they supposed to be.

For example, when you had selected a straight row, you would notice the selected cells do not belong to the same row, as if you had selected A3, B5, C4 or something..

So she asked for help. Jason was in the same room, somewhere in the left side of her visual field. He came and he sat on her right side, covering her left shoulder with his arm, and they were trying to fix the problem.

It was evening, dim light, very intimate atmosphere. When she felt his arm, she caught his palm with her left hand, and holding it tight, she leaned with her face on the right side, gazing at him. And when he slowly touched her lips with his, she felt life also in her right arm, which was moving up, fondling the pulp of his left leg, feeling the beginning of his shorts. As they were kissing, at one point he asked her:

– So, do you want to have sex?

– Jason… I’m in love with you, I’m obsessed with you, there isn’t something else in this world that I’d wish more to do. But I don’t want to be just a 3 minutes distraction in some random night of your life. I need more. I deserve more. You can definitely come back to me when you are willing to commit more.

This is what Moon was remembering today while she was breastfeeding Lia, while Josie was spending some quality time with her dad, in the park, just in front of her. She was noticing his hair and the lines on his forehead.. he aged so much. They both did.

Chapter VII

Type-in dram..emedy, din spital..

.. nu stiu exact cand am scris asta, acum vreo 9-10 luni, am gasit-o in ciorne, nu ma recunosc, nu am scris-o eu:

De vreo saptamana jumate sunt foarte nervoasa si foarte usor de calcat pe nervi. Cauza principala e una din colegele de camera, una mare si.. ma rog, mama mi-a zis sa nu le mai fac in toate felurile 😀

Ideea e in felul urmator, tanti asta de cum a venit in camera a acuzat o mare criza de vazduh in timpul noptii. Colac peste pupaza, butonul ei de chemat sora disparuse… si se trezea noaptea, se aseza pe scaun si injura si bombanea in continuu si cu voce tare si groasa ca “suna sora ca aici nu e aer!..” Si eu ma trezeam cu nervi si ma ridicam cu patul si deschideam geamul ala mic de deasupra capului meu. Ma rog, cred ca are ea necesitati speciale, ca in cele 7 saptamani anterioare ei, n-am tinut niciodata deschis geamul noaptea si nu s-a plans nimeni ca n-are aer.

In plus, de la o vreme si sorele deschideau geamul in timpul noptii si uitau de el, spre disperarea mea, care, oricum transpiram pe spate, pentru ca saltelele astea sunt acoperite intr-un material impermeabil, ceea ce le face imposibil sa respire. Si mi-era al naibii de frustrant sa ma cert cu unele la miezul noptii sa inchida geamul ca eu am multe sanse sa fac pneumonie dupa atata stat in pat.. si chiar nu vreau sa asta sa fie ultimul concediu din viata mea.

Ei bine, la un moment dat n-am mai suportat, mi-a picat rau pata si i-am zis “de maine tu vii cu patul in locul meu si eu ma mut in locul tau”. A trecut o saptamana, pana s-a materializat asta. In prima instanta mi-am dat seama ca mai am ceva de lucru in zilele urmatoare si am nevoie ca lucrurile sa stea asa cum sunt obisnuita cu ele, pentru ca in locul ei ar fi trebuit sa am masuta pe dreapta si priza mai departe… Apoi, cand in final m-am decis, am luat problema in propriile maini si i-am spus unei sore, care s-a apucat imediat sa ne mute. Dar, cand a scos unul din paturi pe hol, o alta sora a pus-o sa le puna la loc ca intai sunt “hartii de completat”. Am inteles. Birocratie.

Motiv pentru care, la doua zile dupa, i-am explicat doctoritei (asta pentru ca a doua zi n-a calcat niciun doctor prin camera noastra). Doctorita a zis “ok, din partea mea nicio problema”. Seara i-am spus sorei de pe tura “dar noi cand ne mutam?”, la care ea “pai nu puteti, ca n-aveti voie, ca nu se poate, ca trebuie hartii, ca eu nu stiu nimic”. Asta fiind sambata seara. M-am certat cu ea cum am stiut eu mai bine, ca deja i-am spus doctoritei si ca si ea si-a dat acordul. “Da? Pai nu stiu, ca noua nu ne-a zis nimeni nimic”.

Am rugat-o pe tanti, pe care o privea direct problema, sa confirme ca am vorbit cu doctorita, dar se facuse mica si statea ca momaia ascunsa intr-un colt (cat de ascunsa poti sa stai la 120 kg), iar ailalta s-a bagat in seama singura: “Nu, n-a vorbit azi, azi n-a venit niciun doctor”. In momentul ala am simtit ca vreau sa-i sparg capul cu balonul! Ca daca aruncam cu termosul de ceai chiar i-l spargeam. Mi-a luat o ora cu mama la telefon sa ma calmez. Pana la urma sora cica “Luni. Vorbiti cu doctorul Luni”.

Duminica la pranz ne-au mutat. Asa val vartej si din senin, fara sa mai zica nimeni nimic nimanui. Tanti quintala era numai veselie si spume la gura de entuziasm. Are o icoana cu Iisus.. pe care o pupa pe toate partile si se giugiuleste cu ea, de ma apuca toti dracii cand o vad si-mi vine sa vomit in acelasi timp. “Vezi, iubirea mea, Iisuselul meu, dragostea vietii mele, vezi ca s-a rezolvat, iti multumesc foarte mult lumina ochilor mei…”. Moment in care imi venea sa-i sparg capul cu celalalta minge, aia cu picioruse multe, aia de masaj. Pai bine tanti, pe mine nu ma vezi, nu? Iisus s-a pogorat el si s-a certat cu toata lumea ca sa ai tu aer sa respiri noaptea, nu? El militeaza pentru dreptul tau, de a avea si tu buton, nu? Iarta-ma Iisus, no offense. Stiu ca tu vezi tot si intelegi tot si nu e nevoie sa-mi descarc 10 poze cu tine in tableta, pe care sa le pup la fiecare ceas in vazul tuturor, ca sa-ti dai seama ca si eu am nevoie de ajutorul tau.

Dar bomboana de pe coliva a fost duminica la pranz, cand, in sfarsit a putut sa vina si prietenul meu la mine, dupa o saptamana. Dupa ce ca nu putea sa stea decat 15 min, din care 5 a vorbit la telefon, legat de noua masina, tanti s-a trezit ca are nevoie… undeva… pe ceva… exact in minutul ala si i-a zis sa iasa un pic afara. La care el, foarte calm si simtit cum e de fel, a zis “lasa ca plec de tot”, desi statuse doar 10 min.. si mi-a trimis o bezea din zbor si dus a fost. Pai sa nu-ti vina sa-i spargi capul hipopota… scuze, cu un sul de hartie igienica parfumata??? Numai un car de nervi eram…

Ma scotea din sarite de fiecare data cand injura, cand vorbeam la telefon si radeam de ceva, ca incepea si ea repede sa rada, de rasul meu… sau cand ma faceam ca plang, pt a accentua drama pe care o traiam, incepea sa rada… sau cand ma uitam la o poza cu Bonnie care-si manca cina, care tocmai ii fusese servita. Sau cand pur si simplu deschidea gura sa zica ceva. Orice. Sau cand sforaia. Sau cand respira. Zgomotul masinilor de afara, prin geamul tinut deschis non-stop, era suficient sa-mi tina umplut paharul… non-stop.

Ieri a plecat colega hipop.. pardon, colega nr 2, si a venit in locul ei mumia lui Tutank… iarta-ma mamii, dar trebuie sa prezint lucrurile cat mai obiectiv posibil, pentru posteritate, si pentru mine, ca sa tin minte sa nu ma mai urc niciodata nemancata la volan! Asa, si tanti asta foarte, foarte batrana, pare ca a reusit sa aduca pacea intre mine si bale… stiti voi cine. Initial ne-am concentrat amandoua atentia asupra ei si am uitat de conflictul dintre noi.

Apoi, avand un moment de respiro, cand am realizat ca tot dependenta de mine e, ca tot n-are buton, iar Tutankamon e prea senila ca sa reactioneze si sa apese in timp util – desi i-am zis sa insiste si sa nu se lase batuta si convinsa ca “s-a pierdut butonul”. “Spune-le sa-l caute, sa cumpere altul, nu ma intereseaza, eu m-am saturat sa sun pentru tine”. (Stiu, e gest de 1 secunda, dar ma scoate din sarite) – mi-am amintit ca ea nu spune niciodata “Te rog”.

Asa ca am pandit momentul si cand mi-a cerut din nou sa sun, iar T. dormea piramida, prima oara m-am facut ca n-aud. Partea amuzanta e ca, in ceha e un singur cuvant pentru “Te rog” cat si pentru “Cu placere”. Ideea era sa o fac sa zica “Te rog”. Si am facut-o!! Si ne-a pufnit rasul si pe mine si pe ea si acum pur si simplu nu ma mai enerveaza.

Bloguri… si evolutia proprietarilor lor

De cand a inceput weekendul asta, nu am facut altceva decat sa citesc arhive de bloguri, ascultand pe repeat o compilatie de chillout de pe youtube. Ce altceva ai putea face cand sunt maxim -15 grade afara?! In principiu am citit, in paralel cu al meu, cronologic, 4 bloguri: Fine SocietyQuestioare, Printesa Urbana si inca unul.

Diana, pe care o citesc de cand scria pe blogspot si pe yahoo blogs, autoarea cartii pentru fete single, “Povestile unei inimi” – pe care mi-a si dat personal autograf 🙂 – a inflorit de-a dreptul, fizic vorbind, s-a si casatorit intre timp, a calatorit enorm de mult, a adus povesti de succes din toate colturile lumii si se pregateste pentru ceva nou, dupa ce tocmai a plecat de la Forbes. Ii doresc multa energie in continuare 🙂

Ana, casatorita deja cand i-am descoperit eu prima oara blogul prin 2009, si-a publicat cartea, “Cum am omorat-o pe Diana”, s-a mutat in Bucuresti, si-a schimbat jobul de vreo cateva ori, a cochetat o perioada cu vlogul pe youtube, si-a mutat blogul pe un domeniu cu numele ei, a trecut de criza existentiala de 30 de ani, a reusit sa atinga, milestone-ul de a alerga 10 km, apoi (sau intre timp) s-a mutat in Olanda. Eu o sa dau party cand o sa fiu in stare sa alerg 2 km fara sa ma opresc.

Ioana (La multi ani, btw) s-a casatorit si ea, are doi copii minunati si a scris (cel putin) 2 carti, pe care le-am si cumparat, iar pe prima am terminat-o deja de citit. Acum un an, cand am (re)descoperit blogul ei, am ramas impresionata de cat de multe experiente poate sa traiasca o persoana in 5 ani si m-am decis sa fac si eu ceva in privinta asta. Intre timp am avut un accident auto, care m-a tinut aproape 5 luni in spital, si am pierdut o sarcina. Promitator 😐

Si am reusit sa-mi pastrez acelasi domeniu de blog, pe care scriu din 2010, pe 14 februarie fac 6 ani de cand lucrez la acelasi angajator, am implinit 4 ani de relatie cu un Leu Ceh si 2 ani de resedinta oficiala in Frydek-Mistek, m-am inscris la ACCA – care se poate numi ca m-am “angajat” pentru a invata pentru inca o diploma de master, in finante si contabilitate, iar pe 20 ianuarie voi sarbatori 1 an din noua mea viata (post-accident).

Iar al patrulea blog – pe care l-am citit din prima ora in care a luat viata sub ochii mei (sub un nume pilot) si care a iesit pe locul 2 la Roblogfest 2010 – impreuna cu autorul lui – care, in 2013, a absolvit facultatea de actorie, cu media de licenta 10, apoi s-a apucat intensiv de alergat, apoi nu s-a lasat pana a atins “Legend” in Hearthstone – au evoluat atat de mult incat s-au transferat, putin cate putin, intr-o alta dimensiune… sa-i spunem, superioara.

Constant citesc acolo articole publicate, carti de memorii, cu poze… ne intalnim, stam de vorba, printre altele etc. Poate si arhiva, care a mai ramas in aceeasi dimensiune cu blogurile de mai sus, o sa dispara complet, cand va trebui, oficial, sa plateasca anual taxa pe domeniul de blog punct ro. Ma gandesc sa implementez o metoda de a percepe taxa si pe unitatea de spatiu si timp ocupata in visele mele, aka dimensiunea aia superioara..

Ja chci se učit česky.

Just had a dream that woke me up, saying to everybody in the dream: “Wait, I’m having a stroke!”

So, when my man woke up this morning to go to work, I heard the alarm also, which I almost never do, but then I fell asleep again. It might have been 2 hours ago, now is 7:15..

In these two hours I dreamed so muuuch!! First, I remember I was going somewhere with Diana (the writer)… first, we were just walking close to each other, then we started holding hands, she was in my left side. I felt like I have to protect her for something, I helped her cross a street. At one moment I told her “I love you”. She told me the same thing also, just one moment later. It felt so normal…

Then she disappeared in the crowd. I went back to her office and there she was, she was owning a book store. This time we talked at a more polite level, like we weren’t that close anymore. I was helping around, I remember I was washing and scrubbing something in the sink..

Then there were more people from my life, they were of different nationalities, but we understood each other in English. At one point Diana told me she is not enough mentally stimulated… she was getting bored in my dream. So she started reading something in Italian.

Then I told her: “you know what? Let me teach you Czech. Repeat after me!”. So I started by telling her the sentence from the title. The thing is, I didn’t get to finish saying the last word, because he showed up in the room and came next to me. Even if we’d been together some moments ago, in a different dream.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was looking so much him, so amazingly good. It’s not very often when I’m 100% sure it was him… sometimes I wake up and look at a picture with him, thinking “Let’s sense the aura here, was it really him or was it a blend with some other people in my life?”.

Recently shaved, with his blond curly hair almost glowing. He was wearing a somewhat fluffy sweater, with purple, light pink and dark blue dots. Weird, but manly, it was suiting him so well! It was looking somehow like the color of a nebula, in the sky,  at night, with all the stars shinning around it. On top of that, he had a leather jacket, motorcycle type, in color dark burgundy.

I couldn’t believe that he finally came to see me, in my own world. I was so surprised, it felt sooo real and so normal.. that’s why I told everyone, out of emotion: “Wait, (stop the dream here, where we are now) I’m having a stroke”. I still knew at some level that it simply cannot be real. But I stood up and I hugged him with all my strength. I didn’t care, he was there now, had to take advantage. Amazing… all that discharge. I realize now I never hugged him like that, ever. From what I remember from the awaken life, we just kissed on the checks, a couple of times, at saying “hi”. And one time we held hands, forced by the surroundings. The emotion of hugging him woke me up… almost crying… when I realized it wasn’t real. Yet very grateful.

I’m hungry. It’s 8:10 now. Gotta get up, wash up, dress up, make the bed, change the air, go downstairs, throw in one more log, cuddle Bonnie, make coffee and one oatmeal bowl and come back to bed. This time with the laptop over me. This time for working. Dreaming is over now. :(( At least for the next 15-18 hours.

“Ja chci se učit česky.” = “I want to learn czech” or “My chcem se učit česky.” = “We want to learn czech” or “My chcem učit česky.” = “We want to teach czech.”

I wish you an excellent year!

It was what someone wished me once, some years ago, though, it was valid for 2010. Just found it now, in serendipity! And now I’m wishing it, for 2017, for everyone who stumbles on my blog. My pleasure! 🙂

Now, I don’t remember having read that wish at its time and looking back, at how that year unfolded, well, I think I will know how to use it better this year. In one particular department of my life, 2017 does have something similar with 2010. Yet it looks very much like 2008, so I can say that I know when and where I will be expected to step in, with the extra effort/energy.

When I bought this domain name, in 2008, I was just discovering numerology and I found out that it has the soul urge number 33: I thought that, by owning it, it may lead me more to my true destiny. And at the beginning I even tried to write things that would live up to these expectations… At least I can say that, in the past 6-8 years, I learned how to make the difference between helping someone and interfering into their life’s necessary trials. Ok, I’m still learning, on fine-tuning.

Little did I know… Yes, these appear to be just useless categories and archetypes: soul urge numbers, destiny numbers, personal year numbers… I don’t know who invented them and with which purpose, but I can say they did make me feel good when I found the corresponding ones for me – like I found my life calling. I believe everyone has the obligation to search for something that would make them feel special, no matter in which field they find it. I felt like somehow, somewhere, somebody did an effort to understand me and to explain me. Same thing applies also to astrology: Venus conjunct Saturn over Ascendant in Scorpio, Sun conjunct Neptune and Jupiter in Sagittarius, Moon conjunct Chiron in 7th House – do characterise my life path, so far, more than enough.

And coming back to that soul urge 33: no, I don’t truly believe that it is possible to make all humankind live in peace and harmony, although I sometimes waste my energy wishing it. Also, I’m not a person of legendary compassion and hospitality, because I’m yet to find if it’s possible to exist happily in this world, by all norms, while expressing all these characteristics. Nonetheless, I’m very curious to see how the world will look like in 20-25 years from now, when all the children that are raised while being asked about their needs, wants and feelings and being told “I love you” on daily basis, will grow up.

Christmas and.. delicious cookies!

So besides the salad a la russe and the lentils, I made these crunchy cookies, with walnuts and butter and chocolate flakes. Those that heat up in your mouth while chewing them. Delicious!

But it wasn’t that easy… Long story short: 2 min before the timer would go off, I smelled smoke… I’ve thrown away 3/4 from them and you cannot imagine how pissed off I was: my first Christmas cookies ever, ruined. I was feeling terribly disappointed by this universe!

But then, later on, since my Leo took it calmly, I started to see hope also. When I saw him cracking nuts again, I took out the spare butter from the freezer and I started weighing 300 gr of flower and 60 gr of powder sugar. And while seeing my recently painted red nails (ok, I made them yesterday) mixing all the ingredients together in the bowl, for the second time, I felt so wifey :)). Anyway, some time later, another batch was just ready to be baked!

We went at the oven and we put it on lower temperature, even if the first time was set at 200 degrees. And this time we let the oven just 5 min to pre-heat and we checked them every 5 min, just to be sure. Overall they needed the same amount of time to cook, as the first batch needed to get all black: 18 min. And in the recipe it says: bake 25 min, at 200..

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And the lentils soup – it turned out a lentils food! After they were done and I took the pot from the heat, turns out the lentils absorbed all the soup from the pot, even if I let them in water prior cooking, 2 hours, to soften. But it was still very delicious!!

And the a la russe salad made in two different bowls: one with mayonnaise and garnished with black olives and the other with soyannaise and green olives, also delicious!. 😀

One from three – done

I am talking about the foods I’m planning to cook for this Christmas: vegetarian stuffed paprika, salad a la russe and lentils cream soup. I don’t cook more than 2 portions often, but when I do, I rarely follow a recipe and some pre-set ingredients, I put everything by the eye and by the taste. I like to consider myself a cooking genius, mostly because I like to keep things simple. 😀

I already put to boil the stuffed paprika. The idea (and the mood) to do this came to me barely last evening, when I sat in bed for sleep.. I was meditating: some sweet paprika, some soya granules, rice and that Portobello mushroom I have left from yesterday’s pizza. So I pre-boiled 1/2 bag of soya granules and 1 sachet of rice for 10 min, then I added one chopped onion and the mushroom, also chopped, I added some olive oil, salt, pepper, some parsley, a bit of Maggi and I was so happy when my composition was perfectly fit for the 4 sweet paprika. And then they perfectly fitted in the pot.. I added 1 litre of boiling water, one small can of tomato sauce and some parsley, for color.

Now, for the afternoon, when I will make the potatoes salad, I will be a bit creative also: I will add some celery root and some parsley root to it, since I couldn’t find parsnip.. And these people here haven’t heard of sour red paprika either.. they are selling some chopped stuff, instead of whole pieces… anyway, less chopping for me, taste is the same.

And I bought lentils. It’s gonna be my first time making lentils soup, as per the czech tradition. Last two years I bended the tradition a bit, when I made green-peas instead, because I was afraid I will not know how to cook lentils.

And as bonus – the same type of tart as my birthday, only this time with peaches instead of strawberries. Yummy.

Funny thing, today at Albert, when the taxi came, he asked me: Home? And I said, yes, and I wanted to say the address but he said it faster than me. He was the same guy that took me from Tesco on Wednesday. And the same thing happened to me when I came home from Fryda last week, it was the same guy who brought me there, I didn’t have to tell him where I go at all,  I’m starting to feel like a princess here, I think all taxi drives from this taxi company know me. 🙂

Growing up

I received over 50 likes to my FB profile picture, which is the one from below. I was happy and surprised when I saw I have 40, at some point, but then, when I noticed they are still growing, I started to get scared. I know, 50 people liking your picture is not much. Others have hundreds. But it’s much for me.. the highest I ever got. It feels like a standard now, which I will have to preserve. Which means I will probably leave that picture, until at least my next birthday. 🙂

I know this thing with the likes is silly and superficial, I should be worried by more “grown up” stuff. For example yesterday I started studying for F7. I don’t know yet the result from F5 and I was planning to use this vacation just to relax, but I noticed if I stay too much without studying, all sort of feelings of hopelessness and the sensation that I’m wasting my life start to pile over me.

Also, I feel I should not be writing anymore about the dreams I was having, yes, precisely those, as anyone can read them, who knows what they might think about me. Perhaps I should be keeping them for myself. Or perhaps I should search even deeper, for a solution, to stop dreaming them in the first place. Yes, I read this paragraph, I know I’m 33 years old and not 14, but.. is there really a life achievement standard, by milestones, that everyone should follow, for example “stop dreaming about men you haven’t seen in years, by… certain age”? Like the development standard for babies, that they should start walking by 12 months and talk fluently by 36 months. I am keeping a job which allows me to make savings also, I pay all my taxes, I am in a stable relationship, I am also studying for a specialisation, so where’s the problem?

That one day all this balance that I’m trying to preserve might break? And everything I built so far might fall apart? Things can fall apart anyway, for numerous reasons, there is always a risk. Things have fallen apart before, I managed to fix them. They will fall apart again, I will clean the dust from them and start re-building, on a more solid ground.

It’s hard when you feel that the world – and success – is trying to change you. As imperfect as you are, you know yourself and you got used with yourself and with your defects. In the world we live right now, it’s normal to produce also waste-energy or emotions, nobody is a saint. Some defects cannot be hidden away, thrown under the carpet, because one day you may realise all your comfort is built over a pile of crap. Defects are to be let out little by little every day, like water running down from an accumulation lake, until the whole dam will explode.

It may sound cliché, but as wider your foundation is, as higher you can build upon yourself, as a stable structure, so it’s never bad to keep digging, even if you feel completely underwater. If you don’t get to the surface this life, that’s ok, maybe next one. Not everyone was born to fly, some were born to master swimming, even if, just metaphorically speaking. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll rediscover Atlantis or Lemuria.

22

.. I was celebrating exactly 11 years ago. I was in Spain back then, I bought a cake, some sparkling wine and some chips and I celebrated in that apartment in Cartagena, with Catalina, Evi from Greece, Ivan from Italy, Daniel from Germany and.. if there was someone else I don’t remember. I was a bit sad because the portuguese guys weren’t there also.

So, 22 is my personal year number in 2017. As it was in 2008.. And 1999 and 1990 (altough 40, respectively 31, so not exactly 22).

I remember 1999 was one of the most beautiful years of my life. I started a personal diary and wrote a story about Anna and Leo. It was so exciting writing it. It was the year of the total eclipse, visible from Romania. I remember it as an exciting summer, although, until I got my first job and started living alone, all summers seemed the same.

In 1990 my brother was born. And I started something, that kept me busy for the next 18 years: school.

2008… towards the end of the year I saw London for the first time… You know, few months before the end of the year I read somewhere that 2008 is my 22 personal year and there was a picture in that paragraph, with the Big Ben from London, so I wanted to fulfill the prophecy.

I have some plans for 2017, I am waiting for some energies to materialise, for some answers, that will trigger some changes.. We’ll see, what the universe has in store for me. It could be anything. Anything.

Update: a picture with the cake I made for today, a light tart with pudding base and strawberry and cream, with almond flakes, banana slices and white chocolate:

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