I overcame my Ego

When you care about admitting and fixing a mistake you made, that nobody else spotted yet, when you care about a work well done, more than you care about what other people think about you, your consciousness won the battle over the ego.

That inflated ego of yours, that makes you think at all times that you are the best. How could you have made such a stupid mistake in the first place? How can you admit it? Everybody will see and will think how stupid you really are.

No. The right question is: how were you able NOW to discover the mistake that you haven’t before? What made you check also for the thousandth time? To walk the thousandth mile, just to make sure, yet one more time.

Guess what. After I admitted and corrected that one, I checked again and I discovered yet another one. Now I was crawling under the carpet of how ashamed and incapable I was feeling. I was already one whole level below being ashamed. So I had to ask for help and advice from the closest human. Ethics consultation. And it made me realize that a stronger person is one that admits a mistake instead of walking the thousandth mile trying to shove it under the carpet or blame anything else for it. Hormones, for example. Or Retrograde Mercury.

For a long time I used to believe that, if I submit something that I’m sure is correct, being also just a lousy blog post, and I discover a mistake after I read it one more time, after being published, it’s because somebody else read it and transmitted me the mistake thing through telepathy. 🙂

Now I don’t believe in that anymore. I believe only in me. I believe in the multiverse being that I am.

And with this opportunity I admit I have yet another problem. I have a too strong urge to be the first, because I usually have a too good impression about myself. My mind works in sparks and when something gets inside, it takes over. Even if life proved me several times that the first answer is not always the right one, because sometimes you are missing crucial data. And as correct as your computation is, the final answer is wrong, because it’s based on corrupted entry data.

Yes, I won more than I lost, with this impulsiveness, at least in school, because the teachers were recognising the first correct answer more than they were punishing it.

But sometimes in life, actually, the older you become, you learn that it matters more if your final answer is the correct one, even if you are the last one in providing it, as long as it still comes within the deadline.

I still didn’t understand how that angle was 10% but it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m only human after all, not a python.

I always admired your mind though, you absolutely caught my attention on that 12.5. I always wanted to be as bright as you. You don’t remember? That afternoon summer time, 1000 years ago, when she asked how much is 100 divided by 8 and you responded in a micro-second.

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Your Greatness,

Jupiter is entering Sagittarius by the end of this week!

Yeey! I’ve been waiting for this for 12 years 😀 He is currently in my 1st House and he will be getting close to my natal Sun around the middle of April and then flirting around with my stellium, in his retrograde mode.

And the Sun just left the hibernation mode (my 12th House) and it’s spreading his shine into my 1st House also. Yeey!

I feel the mood to buy new stuff… Yesterday we went to browse for a new couch for downstairs. We came back with an XXL furniture catalog. I’m afraid we’ll order much more than just that couch.

I have my cart full on amazon.de but I know I shouldn’t buy anything yet 😀 You know which kind of stuff I mean.. I have few hundred points in Amazon vouchers to spend, I don’t think they will last until Christmas. I mean, we first need to clean out the room that we want to convert in a nursery. Repaint it and stuff.

It had a set of plain white window drapes, canvas type material, and the first thing I saw when I put them in the washing machine was how I will be painting flowers, butterflies, colored shapes and the colored alphabet on them. And then I’ll put them back in the clean room. I’m so excited!

And it’s so hard not to click on “buy” on that full box on finnbin.com 😀

I admit I already ordered on lekarna.cz a small box of newborn diapers, just to see how they look like. They are so tiny and cute. I’m not gonna buy more yet, because probably newborn size will remain small very soon, seeing that both me and Leo are big Zubats.

But the most exciting thing, as finance is my passion: I searched and searched online, until I learned how exactly the maternity benefit is calculated here. I’m positively surprised, after I ran their online calculator on https://www.mpsv.cz/cs/11580 also considering that maybe for 2019 the limit will increase a bit more, as each year before.

And I saw one article with a proposal for the government to increase the total parental allowance from 220k to 250k 😀 Maybe Jupiter in Sagittarius will make this reality for 2019.

14 weeks and counting

We saw today that she is sitting with the back on my belly, using the placenta as her pillow. Hmm.. That’s why I like to sleep on my belly, so the baby will not have to stay too much upside down. 😀

Ok, we don’t know yet for sure if it’s a she or a he, barely in December we will find out, at the 2nd Trimester ultrasound.

Leo made me study the names from the calendar, day by day, to make a list of names for girls and for boys. I picked only the international ones. 😀 Apparently he is not very much fond of the name I was calling the baby from when I got the first positive test… Because I dreamed about her, with that name.

She has fingers 🙂 they were so cute. And we saw also the eyes and the mouth.

Each time someone asks me, I say if it’s a boy I will raise him gender neutral. I mean, honestly, don’t you feel they are discriminated? They cannot do make-up, they cannot paint their nails, they cannot wear skirts (ok, except in Scotland). Besides, I want an excuse to play with dolls again. 🙂

Finally my nausea is gone, I can eat almost everything again without having food aversions. And I started taking these Femibion 2, from the first day of week 13, mostly because of their Vitamin D.

I had caught a cold about two weeks ago, I had two sessions of headaches of 2 days long each.. And obviously I couldn’t take any pills. I had problems with stuffed nose almost each night for the past month and that sea water spray is not helping much. I don’t know if these vitamins helped or that pot of home-made chicken noodle soup and the two sessions of polenta with butter. And the green tea with lemon and ginger.

Yeah, I just realized today, I haven’t had any coffee in one week, because I was having green tea for breakfast. One green tea per day, with the food, I think it’s still better than one coffee.

Funny thing today, after the check, I went to Tesco for a latte and some pastry for breakfast. I was having a craving for latte, because I left very fast this morning and I didn’t have time to eat anything.

Ok, I woke up too late. Bonnie’s barking woke me up at 6:25. And at 6:45 I was opening the gates for Leo to take out the car. And then we “froze” for 10 min in the street, in front of the cabinet, until they opened.

Yeah, back to Tesco. Everything was still closed, so I went to the vending machine. I put 30 crowns (price was 25) and it gave me my latte and the rest of… 30 crowns (different coins) 😀 I smiled and shove them back in the rest compartment, to make someone else smile also.

Then, in the taxi home, that I ordered myself and came very fast – I hadn’t even finished eating my whole-wheat butter croissant – right after I paid, with some tip, I saw a 50 crowns coin on the floor in front of my seat.

The ride usually costs 50 crowns. So this driver had this ride paid more than double. And it made my day!

I was so excited when I got home. Ok, maybe it was the latte.

Poor Dionis

“[…] .. 55% of the time when we are together in class we fight!”

And I was thinking, wait a moment, all that interaction was fighting, to you?

“I’m confused… So tell me what Love means to you.”

“You can take your time, you don’t have to tell me right now.”

“Voyeur – Sarmanul Dionis”, he typed me, and then he went offline…

So yeah, now I’m reading this Novel. Very surprised that something I read in a dream actually makes sense and also that I was able to remember it.

So now I’m trying to understand what my subconscious is trying to tell me. Write me. Leaving aside all the other crazy dreams that I had before and after that scene. BRB

Doar prostia justifica abuzul fizic si psihologic al copiilor

Am dat peste o postare de facebook cu expresii din copilaria noastra mirifica si am ramas socata cati oameni considera bune acele replici, considera ca nu le-a marcat in niciun fel negativ copilaria. Printre aceste replici aflandu-se si “eu te-am facut, eu te omor!”… Si nici macar “palmutele”, “curelusa” si “nuielusa” nu le-a facut rau, ba reusesc sa-si justifice, cu mare inversunare, ce bine le-a facut de fapt.

Partea interesanta e ca 90% din comentariile “pro bataie” erau scrise cu flagrante greseli de gramatica si ortografie.. Si nu poti sa dai vina pe tastatura de la telefon, ci numai pe ceata din creierul tau cand poti sa lasi in urma asemenea lucruri. Cu asemenea nivel de educatie nu pot sa ma incurc, ca imi pierd energia de pomana.

Dar am vazut si un comentariu scris corect. Aici nu m-am putut abtine si am lasat si eu niste replici, printre care si cea din titlu.

Oare vor ajunge oamenii sa constientizeze, macar in acest secol, ca bataia e abuz fizic si ca nu are absolut niciun efect pozitiv pe termen lung?

Oare vor ajunge oamenii sa inteleaga ca se poate educa prin comunicare empatica si nu prin abuz psihologic?

Educatia nu inseamna transformarea copilului intr-un robot care respecta ordine, de multe ori fara sa le inteleaga motivul. Pana si un calculator performant se blocheaza cand ii dai prea multe comenzi una dupa alta sau comenzi contradictorii.

Cum poti sa ai pretentia ca, prin a tipa la copilul tau ca sa te asculte sau a-i repeta ca “nu e bun de nimic” si a-l plesni daca i se pare ca i s-a facut o nedreptate si iti raspunde ca atare, va ajunge sa te respecte? De curiozitate asa, ai citit vreodata in DEX ce scrie in dreptul cuvantului “Respect”?

Daca ar fi dupa mine as trimite la terapie mai mult de jumatate din populatia Romaniei. Sau mai bine ma apuc eu sa le tin cursuri online. Problema e ca nu poti sa vindeci pe nimeni, daca nu este constient ca are o problema.

Si te intreb… Doamne… Universule.. Tu care esti acolo in Ceruri… Alfa si Omega… Ce le lipseste acestor oameni ca sa inteleaga ca doar prostia justifica abuzul fizic si psihologic al copiilor?

Ce le lipseste ca sa rezoneze cu acea raza de intelepciune, care sa se infiripe in creierele lor pline de ceata si sa constientizeze ca “a-ti bate copilul” si “a-l iubi” nu sunt niciodata sinonime? La fel cum nici “respectul” nu e sinonim cu “frica”.

Update: Iubire neconditionata zici? Sa le trimit? Pai sa le trimit, atunci.

Dragi oameni, mai mult de jumatate din populatia Romaniei, cu drept de vot sau inca fara, pensionari, someri, cu bac sau fara, deschideti-va inima ca vine.

Un val mare de iubire neconditionata. Nu prea mare, doar cat sa visati frumos la noapte si sa va treziti mai odihniti, mai calmi, mai rabdatori si cu o usoara dorinta de a incerca sa intelegeti putin mai mult din lumea asta care va inconjoara. De a intelege putin mai mult, de ce faceti lucrurile pe care le faceti.

(Daca simtiti o aroma de mar proaspat cules, in timp ce primiti iubirea, e din cauza ca am devorat doua mere in timp ce scriam. E singurul aliment pe care imi permit sa-l consum cat pentru doi.)

60% chance

To be a girl 😀 this is what she told us at the scan today.

Everything looks ok, all tests are normal, the risks of Down and other anomalies are significantly lower than the average for my age…

It’s measuring 5.4 cm and beats at 158 per minute, perfect for the age of 12 weeks. 🙂

So.. That’s about it for now.

Faith in humanity back restored

Yesterday evening he brought me flowers! ❤ And Medovnik. (Maybe he read the blog post from below and wanted to cheer me up).

And also morning Zubat. A morning Zubat is a type of pastry that I enjoy for breakfast and he is buying it for me from time to time, once-twice per week. I’m usually having Chia oatmeal or Fitness cereals or boiled eggs in the rest of the days.

Yeah.. So today we saw the miracle of life again. It’s measuring 35 mm and we could distinctively see the arms and the legs. And the heart pulsating. They did some blood works also.

I was very nervous, these 3 weeks passed way too slowly. I was consoling myself each time I was feeling nausea, that it should be a good sign. Also having absolutely no spots or bleeding was a good sign.

Last night I barely slept.

Several times, in the past days, I had the anxiety wanting to take over, what if things will not be ok this time either, but I didn’t allow it.

I am fully aware now of what I can control and what I cannot, so I was actively trying to occupy my mind with something nice, like preparing for a big trip and push out the anxiety. Two nights ago and three nights ago I had some very long and emotionally intense dreams.

It’s cool. I don’t have that many opportunities to interact with people and situations in my awaken life, so my brain is inventing them while asleep. I’m discovering so many things about me. Good things. A certain level of maturity that I didn’t know I was capable of having.

A particular thing about a dream two nights ago: I was in my dormitory, preparing to sleep and I couldn’t turn off the lights. The switch was blocked somehow.. I asked my mom from the other room and she said she doesn’t know what’s the problem with it. So I had to take a screwdriver and dismount it. And then it got unstuck and it worked.

I was looking on the window, it was snowing outside. So much snow!

Some other day, I had a false awakening and there was no electricity. I saw there wasn’t that little light on the tv and I tried the nightstand lamp also. And I said, fine, I can go back to sleep, no electricity means no wifi, equal no work. And then when I really woke up there was plenty electricity.

So that’s about it for now. Let’s continue thinking for the best.

Accepting that you’ll never be good enough

Fortunately the internet is big enough also for mediocre people to write in it. Like me. Average in everything. Just as special and unique as everybody else.

But no, what I actually mean: I’m at the middle of my life and I have no special skills in anything. No outstanding achievements. Nothing out of the ordinary to brag with. As a random example, the last movie I saw in Cinema was in 2015. Fifty shades of grey. I haven’t seen a professional theatre play since 2007. (Later edit, actually 2008. The one in 2007 was a musical, in Lisbon). See how average am I?

Am I in a mood today of feeling sorry for myself? Perhaps. I mean, why not? I’m tired of carrying all this armour. Why keep fighting? Nobody cares anyway. And I’m saying it with the most peaceful mind…

I did try you know? I had a time when I cared. I cared also about what other people think about me. I cared of not getting out or going to work without make-up. But now nobody cares anyway.

So when you suddenly come to the realization that, considering what you did so far, you will never be good enough to achieve your most ardent dreams, what do you do?

That day on Isla Mujeres

It was amazing. Remember?

I rented a bike and I did the tour of the isle, closest as much as possible to the shore. It was sooo hot! In the middle of the day, I was having bio sunscreen I applied 3-4 times on my arms and on my shoulders, I was afraid I will get burned, but it worked. No sun burn.

When I finally arrived on the other head of the isle I found a Jamaica style restaurant and I had fish tacos and a natural lemonade. I don’t know what they put in that lemonade, but it was the best I ever had in my life!

But you know what was the most energy charged moment from all that trip? The first afternoon in Guadalajara at the Taqueria Tomate: tacos, Corona and one Enrique video on the high monitors. I’m telling you, I will be able to draw energy from that moment for eternity on. It’s impossible to not feel instantly good when you get there. The food was also awesome and relatively quite cheap.

I think knowing the local language helps you connect more intensively with the grounds. Israel was also nice, but not that much epic. Israel was more of a dare, to myself, an idea that started from discovering the exact place of a set of cubic stones.

There are times when you feel epic in the company of other people, but in the end I noticed it’s not the company that makes you feel good. It’s you and the connection that you have with that place. I discovered that you can still share a particular place with other people, even if you haven’t been there in the same time.

It’s intriguing, you know? I usually feel so much when I listen to Enrique’s songs, but when I was at the concert I didn’t feel absolutely anything for the big majority of the show. It was very nice, sure, it was my first big concert, but I didn’t feel it as I was expecting it.

This is really awesome. I haven’t achieved this feeling of high in quite a while and I didn’t even have sugar for dinner. 🙂

Dry cooked salmon, basmati rice

With cucumber, avocado and soya sauce aside. So who said you cannot have sushi? 😀 Ok, cooked Sushi. It might be a month since last time I had salmon, I was usually having once per 1-2 weeks. I was missing it. It was delicious.

Leo made fresh coffee this morning. He even remembered it was 3 weeks ago when we last made coffee… because I couldn’t stand the smell anymore, I am usually having instant. But this morning it smelled so good, cozy, house was all clean, I even had a feeling of Christmas vacation, waiting for the tree to appear behind some corner.

Surprisingly the nausea is starting to settle down, I learned to not let the stomach to get empty, always having nuts or sticks or salty biscuits and I cannot eat out anymore… too many smells. And I started having a bit more energy, probably the body is now comfortable without the after lunch coffee. But I am giving a lot of credit for this also to the ginger root tea, it calmed a lot my stomach and my bowels. And since I’m having the last meal at 19:30ish I’m good enough to fall asleep at 22ish.

What else… Yeah, yesterday morning I was shopping and I was in the mood for some good jam. And I bought myself a jar of very good bio Apricots jam and it was delicious on freshly baked bread with butter. We already ate half of the jar :D. Hopefully I will not abandon it, like I did with the peanut butter – I took a spoon from it when I bought it and then I didn’t like it anymore.

It got cold. Yesterday we had under 15 max, today, now at noon we have 12 and tonight should be around 6. So this evening we will start the heating up season, Leo has cleaned yesterday the chimney, he was all black.

So that’s about it for now. 9 weeks and counting.