… in mysterious ways

Today I travelled to Prague, for F5 exam, in the train now, returning. It was an interesting day, which started quite exciting. Exciting in way to start my blood running fast through my body..

It was 5:46 and I already started to panic. Where the f is that bloody taxi? We called it at the address, so it should have been in front of our gate, at 5:35. But in front of our gate was only white. Everything was completely white and shinning.

Turns out the driver was still sleeping so he forgot to turn left on the alley and he went forward, towards the woods… at 5:48 he finally understood where to come.. we had 7 min to catch the bus!

Lucky the ride to bus station took only 5 min. We arrived there right in front of the bus. I left the guy 50% tip, because I was very happy because I arrived in time.

I wanted to take my phone to write my Leo that I arrived in time. I couldn’t find it. I searched in all the pockets. The thought that I forgot it in the taxi made me to really panic. I had to sit down because I felt I am fainting… everyone was boarding, I was the one creating mental scenarios of what I would do without a phone. The hardest thought was that I couldn’t let my Leo know that I’m ok. Completely terrifying.

I found it after some seconds.. it was in the backpack, in the big compartment, next to my notebook… white over white… I looked up and thanked God. Then, jumped in the bus. And started talking to myself and meditating: “wtf woman, you’re not in college anymore, you have 10 years of work experience, get a hold of yourself, deep breath, calm down, raise your frequency, in order to make the time pass slower and work in your favour.”

I tried to read some more solved exercises, section C type, until Olomouc. Then I got in the train and my seat was taken… my 44 seat at the window, was taken by a dude! I didn’t want to fight, so I sat on 42, next to the door, because that dude was so smelling like cigarettes. I opened my traditional Red Bull before exam. At Pardubice a huge lady kicked me.. it was her seat.. So I moved to 43.. Then they started talking between each other. A frenzy!! And suddenly I realized I forgot everything… so I packed my stuff and just day-dreamed for 1 hour, to regain my energy back.

I arrived at British Council at 10:20..ish. More than 30 min from the time when the exam should begin. “You’re late!”, told me a supervisor, in front of the room which looked to be the exam hall.

“No, I’m not late, ACCA explicitly confirmed me the exam starts at 11. I can show you the emails!!”

Then, his supervisor got out from the room, a nice lady, read me the instructions and safety procedures and showed me to my allocated computer. Number 13.. and I asked, “ok, so this will last 3 hours, right?”, “No, only 2 hours and a half, for you, because you are late!!”

And that’s when I really freaked out! Imagine shouting and cursing while whispering, in order not to disturb the other students.. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I started with reading section C, made some highlights, then moved to section B… reading on diagonal.. After I already finished one B question, the lady came to me and said that ACCA  replied I should stay 3 hours, as per the policy, and that they made mistake and they apologized… Good!…

So I tried to solve everything… I did first B, then I browsed through A and solved the text ones, then moved to section C and responded in-depth, at every point, got quite creative towards the end. :)) If I invented some formulas I expect to get credit for that. Moral credit.

Then, the last 15 seconds I was looking at the monitor and counting along with it. I left happy. Relieved. Now I saw I have to wait until January 16th, to get the result.😦 Last time I checked, they had it written there on the portal that the results will be published on December 18th, at 00:00…

Now… regarding the mysterious ways thing… Even if ACCA would have informed me correctly that the exam will start at 10, I still couldn’t have arrived at 10, as the train’s scheduled arrival was 9:55.. A solution would had been to book hostel and go one night before, but I didn’t want to waste 800 crowns, like for the exam last December in Brno, that I barely passed with 52%, because I slept bad in that hostel room.

In conclusion, what A YEAR I had. Ok, the year is not yet finished, I have some one another exciting thing on my plate and I’m even flirting with the idea to be in Mojo on my birthday!😀 That would be a nice reward for all what I survived this year.

Cosas que me hacen sentir bien

En cuanto las encuentre las voy a escribir. A lo mejor las encuentro hasta al final de esta entrada de blog.

Anoche he soñado otra vez con buscar ese sitio, en esa estrada, entre los edificios.. Volaba, o patinaba, lo que se es que me movía muy rápido. Era un parque y un pub  entre dos edificios muy grandes. Era un helicóptero también.. tenía un poco de miedo, pero más era excitación que miedo. Por un lado tengo miedo de volverme loca por soñar noche de noche sobre la misma cosa, que nunca encuentro.

Por ahora.. sueño con un bol de cristal que me diga que supongo hacer con mi vida😀 Un bol de cristal que me dé la oportunidad de volver a la última conocida configuración que funcionaba bien, siempre cuando me voy por al lado.. o meto la pata.

O mejor debo de concentrarme en que quiero hacer con mi tiempo ahora. Ahora, esta tarde, esta noche. Yo quiero, pero nada. No todo se puede cada vez que yo quiero.

Ya, no quiero hacer nada más que practicar mi español. Con la luna llena, te esperaré. :D Perdón, las letras de la canción que escucho ahora.

Si, me hace sentir bien escribir. Me hace sentir bien el español. Es como comunicar en el lenguaje de mi alma. O de las telenovelas con las cuales he crecido desde pequeña. Me pregunto si voy a entender alguna vez que la vida real no es una telenovela. Escuchar a Enigma me hace sentir bien.

Soñar me hace sentir bien, pero esto ya lo sabías. El mensaje que acabo de recibir de mama, que dice “nosotros también te amamos, buenas noches” me hace sentir bien.

Pues, buenas noches angelitos míos.

A.. lo que me hace sentir bien, es encontrar las cosas que busco. O aún mejor, encontrar cosas interesantes que ni siquiera busco.

With the same dad – T.H.M – Chapter VII

Ok, I hope you didn’t forget about Moon and Meredith… And Jason and Josie. I just received some more creative energy from the stars :)) And they told me that the father of both Moon’s and Meredith’s baby is Jason. How was this possible?

Well.. Moon was already pregnant when she died in the metro crash in London. And when I resurrected her she came back exactly the same way as she left, no years have passed for her in the meanwhile. Meredith, on the other side, she met Jason long after Moon died and they fell in love and.. they got pregnant.

But some time has passed since I resurrected Moon, it’s now year 2020. Moon had another girl, Lia, and Meredith had a boy, Michael.

So this is how Jason ended up having 3 kids, while paying alimony to 2 of them. The interesting part is that he still lives with Meredith. And with their son. And Josie went to live with her Mom and her younger sister.

How is Moon taking care of 2 girls alone? Josie Sane, 7 years old now and Lia Delight, 1 and 1/2. Well, she is not really alone, because when she came back from the dead she brought some angels with her that are taking some of the responsibilities of watching over the girls. This is one of the reasons while Jason couldn’t get back together with her.

But we don’t care anymore about Jason and Meredith and their offspring, now the story will follow mainly Josie, Lia and the angels. Stay tuned!

I’m number 1

Mi-am amintit azi la un moment dat ca cineva mi-a scris saptamana asta ca sunt Number 1🙂 Singura persoana cu care am putut discuta despre toate. Cu care simt ca pot oricand discuta despre orice. Am meritat, am dat ceva, am primit ceva inapoi. O prietenie nascuta exact cand aveam cel mai mult nevoie, poate amandoi. Ma sperie acest sentiment de energie impartasita, pentru ca daca ma obisnuiesc cu asta, inevitabil o data si-o data tot se va intrerupe fluxul. E foarte recomfortant sa stii ca ai un prieten, pe care nu l-ai mai vazut de cand v-ati luat la revedere stingheriti, pupandu-va pe obraz inainte sa se inchida usile liftului, acum jumatate de an. Chiar scriu despre asta? Ok, e grav.

N-am mai scris de mult in romana. Mi-e frica sa nu o uit😀 A, da, mai bine scriu despre cum am visat ca zbor azi-noapte. A fost incredibil. Plus niste chestii si niste emotii pe care imi e greu sa le descriu pentru ca n-am cuvinte. Adica nu am trait niciodata asa ceva in realitate.

Prietenul (partenerul) meu cica pleaca in seara asta la paranghelie. “Petrecerea anuala a burlacilor”, dupa cum ii spune el. Desi se tine de atatia ani incat el e singurul care a mai ramas burlac. Editia de anul trecut s-a tinut de fapt anul asta, in ianuarie, imi aduc aminte ca nu eram deloc impacata cu ideea de a ramane singura acasa, iar el sa se duca la distractie. Cu 2 zile inainte am avut accidentul… deci nu s-a mai dus. Asa ca se va duce acum ca sa recupereze. I-am zis sa-mi lase la indemana numarul de la salvare (155), pentru orice caz, mi-am pregatit si speech-ul in ceha. Adica ma ingrijoreaza ceva care cica ar fi trebuit sa fie, din plin, luand in considerare prin ce am trecut marti, dar la mine se pare ca nu e… nimic. Adica mi-e sa nu porneasca brusc si dintr-o data si sa nu stiu cum sa-l opresc. Anyway.. prea multe detalii.

A da.. sa-i spuna cineva si organismului meu ca nu mai sunt gravida, deci pot sa mananc orice, nu trebuie sa mai am aversiuni. Adica eu de o saptamana nu pot sa mananc decat Insalatissime la pranz si Pizza Funghi la cina. Am reusit totusi sa renunt la gustarile de printre.

Altceva? Da, numarul 1. E bine sa-ti aduca aminte cineva din cand in cand cat de multa putere ai, avand in vedere prin cate ai trecut.. cel putin anul asta.

Wir sind spazieren gegangen

Sometimes even if you know the things, when you are a bit stressed, they are getting out of your mouth a bit.. wrong. Ok, a bit more.

But there is always time and place for improvement and I was always believing that as long as some activity brings you new information/knowledge, no matter in which field, it is not a time-wasted-activity.

Ich weiss ich muss meine Deutsche Sprache mehr anwenden, aber jetzt habe ich nicht wo… Und, solange sie nicht in meiner Jobverantwortlichkeiten ist, ich habe keinen Grund schlecht dafür zu fühlen.

As they say: whatever, next time! There will always be a Next Time.

And now the whole story

.. now, until the euphoric effect of the general anaesthesia will go away..

So, once upon a time, some weeks ago, a lady figured out her boobs are suddenly more big and sensitive than normally before period, around the same day when period should have started. Also, this lady found herself talking ceaselessly about babies for the past 3-4 days and she acted a bit more spacey than usual. Until Oct 11th, when she said loudly to her partner: you know what, tomorrow morning I’m taking a test and if it’s negative I will stop with all this nonsense.

It was positive. First 2 lines of her life. But just to be sure, the next morning she took another one, a digital one (those that show you the weeks also) and she started taking prenatal vitamins. One week later, she took the same type of test as first time and this time the pregnancy line was more intense. As she knew that she will have to fly to Romania in few days, she scheduled a obgyn appointment for November 2nd. On Oct 23rd she noticed some white-brownish weirdly consistent stuff on the paper and a weird fainting sensation, just like before the period, but she didn’t want to go to any doctor in Romania, so she didn’t tell anyone. And she waited patiently.

She felt a bit weird that even at 7 weeks pregnant she was feeling just some small nausea, if not eating for more than 4-5 hours, and some food aversions and light fainting sensations, but not that all-day-throwing-up-your-guts-nausea that everyone was so so stressing about. She was told that “the real nausea” should start later..

Another thing that raised a warning sign to her is when the doctor said, during the 1st ultrasound, that the fetus is a bit small – 3,8 mm small – and she put her on Utrogestan, just to be sure and made another appointment after 2 weeks. But the only thing she could think about in the next days after the check was: “fetus is a bit small”.. what did she really mean by small…

So she searched online and she found tables after tables and she read hundreds of stories, when she realized the most probable diagnostic: missed miscarriage – fetus stopped developing at about 6w4d, most probably due to chromosomal defects (honestly, nobody knows for sure, why this happends). It supposed to have been at least 10 mm at 7w5d…

Ok, maybe she ovulated later that month, she assured herself, trying to stay positive. On the other hand, she couldn’t stop forgetting that 100%-for-this-exact-purpose-event, from the night of Sep 21st, which most probably led to her getting pregnant. (Since her life started to turn a bit dull, lately..) How many days can that mighty sperm live? Let’s be exaggerated and say 7 days. Which means, she should have been min 7w at the time of the ultrasound… they say you should be able to see a heartbeat at 7w.

Anyway, at about one week after the check, she mentioned her most probable diagnostic, to her partner, with a serene voice, like, if it is true, what she could have done to prevent it? Nothing.. She was at least assured that she can get pregnant – from the first try, actually – knowing she has polycystic ovaries… She was telling to herself: well, it wasn’t meant to be all the way this time, so next time. In the meanwhile the nausea started decreasing, she started gaining back the appetite for sweets, the boobs started to get less sensitive.. and each time she was referring to the product of her belly she was adding: “if it is still alive”..

At the check on Nov 18th, first thing she told to the doctor was that “her belly didn’t grow anymore” – at least this is what she was able to say, in czech. And the doctor took it literally, enforcing that the belly should start growing visibly only after the 14-15th week.

Anyway, this time she knew exactly where to look on the monitor and what to understand, even before the doctor was pointing it out loudly.. in czech. The doctor struggled during that intravaginal ultrasound to see the fetus… tried more positions, for like 10 minutes. It was visible only an empty 23 mm gestational sac.. no embryo, no yolk.. no nothing else. Doppler also showed nothing but a 23 mm black hole in the middle of some blinking red and blue pixels. Doctor ordered HCG test. Level was 28000.. which dropped to 18000, instead of doubling, at the test from Monday morning (72 hours later)… when the diagnostic was already clear and the doctor issued immediately the papers for hospital for D&C.

Tuesday, November 22nd, at 7:10, on empty stomach, she was already at the hospital, more relieved, than scared, the sac was measuring now only 17 mm and the embryo was visible again, barely 4 mm, yet also some spots of blood were visible around the sac, showing that the natural process of being pushed out was already in progress… so we were under clock here. At around 8:15 the students came to take some blood for tests for the anaesthetic and to present some consent forms and one of them remembered her from the previous very long stay, from Spring, after the car accident. :)) Then, they wrapped elasting bandages over her legs.

At 9:00 they already took her in the operating room for the procedure (even if she was told it might start at 10), very professionally, she was told how to properly lie on the operating bed, they tied the legs up, the nurse fixed the IV on the left arm (it feels like a 2-3 seconds prolonged sting) and then the anaesthetist – a very lovely lady, who spoke perfect english – told her that, after the anaesthetic will be inserted, she will feel a warming up sensation and then she will fall asleep. 2 seconds later our patient felt a tingling sensation in the chest and 1 second later total KO :))) . She woke up at 9:35, already finished, in the bed, having a small clean pad between the legs. The first thing she remembers saying: “Ï feel like I’m fainting!”. Interesting how brain works.. backwards :))) She was actually experiencing the opposite of fainting, more and more aware, waking up completely.

Long story short, the D&C done at the Frydek-Mistek hospital under general anaesthesia was one of the most enlightening experiences of her life. The mild sensation of pressure, down there, went away completely, after 1 hour. No type of pain killers what so ever were used/needed, she only had some antibiotics pumped through the IV during the procedure. At 11:40 she was served lunch and at 14:00 she was released to go home, with a paper on which says (in czech) “wait at least 2-3 months until trying again”.🙂

So, my dear 4 mm embryo, with your respective soul (if you got to have one, that soon), I’m sure you had your proper reasons for changing your mind. RIP.

PS. Btw, for my romanian friends/readers, I didn’t take a single crown from my wallet during all these checks, tests, procedures, hospital food&drink, everything was covered by the Blue Card – European Health Insurance Card, given by my employer first day I got in the Czech Republic. No “bribes”, no “gifts”, no “attentions” to any nurse or doctor are expected in this country.

Preparing for recharging

I woke up this morning and I talked with mom and we ended up yelling at each other over the phone.. she was telling me to stop reading all sorts of things over all forums that would end up stressing me unnecessarily. I disagreed, saying that all I’m doing is researching and documenting myself. Yes, I ended up reading papers of embryology and all sorts of medical things that only medicine students have to know. It’s very scary to know how little things I really know. It’s scary when I go to doctor and I don’t understand what they are saying..

I feel lost. 5 weeks ago I thought I know something.. I thought I had over 85% chances to a normal carriage, as per the statistics for my age. I dared to begin thinking that some of my wishes are getting true and I’m heading somewhere. Now, I’m reassured again: wishes never come true exactly the way you want them. You have a plan, God has a complete different one. Or the stars. Or the universe. Or.. whoever…

I feel so disconnected spiritually right now. I went back to search connectedness between the stars. Or the planets… I feel so alive between the stars. Immortal. I was told to think less and leave life happen. Ok, but what am I supposed to do in the meanwhile? It’s My Life, how can I let live without me!?😀

Beginning of January, next year, Jupiter will enter my 12th House and stay there for almost 1 year, while North Node will cross over the Midheaven and Uranus will set itself firmly into my 6th House. February will be another positively charged month, thanks to Uranus, which repeats “the figure” from October. I learned so far that what happens when planets are retrograde is just a form of a spiritual/emotional demo.. a help to get you used with the idea. And then it will repeat in full version when the planet goes back in normal motion and makes the same aspects again. Maybe I should believe in this.

I have to believe in something. That’s how I’m built. I cannot live only in the present. I need to know that I’m part of a greater thing and that my life is following some plan. I need to feel I’m greater than just my own body.

Of course I want a child. I’m scared, yes, by the “infant”and “baby” stages of it, but I really want a child. I want to learn along with a child. Explore the world again, together. (Re) Educate each other. Adulthood is very depressing, don’t you think? For example, if you start acting curious, exploring the nature and the laws of the universe, people would think you are crazy. If you suddenly give up your job and your career and spend all your savings travelling around the world with just one backpack people would think you got insane. “You should have known all the laws of the universe by now!”. “Now it’s your time to settle down!”. “Haven’t you travelled enough already?”.

And after a certain age you begin to believe that also. Now I’m really thinking when was the last time I was happy about something that I achieved. I guess it was after that exam in beginning of July. But it lasted for just few hours. Now I’m stressed about the one in December. I have passed through all the curriculum one time but I still need a lot of practice with exercises… who has mood for that, now?? They will publish the results exactly on my Birthday. I had some plans on what to write on my cake this year, but it looks I will have to change that. Next time.

Ice-cream.. inside

Do you have any idea how much 1 litre of milk per day really means? Who can possibly drink this amount? I’m barely putting 50 ml in the coffee in the morning and if I eat 1 more small yogurt besides that, in average per day, I’m happy. Ok and some cheese from time to time. I used to eat mozzarella until I figured out that it has more fat than I thought.. so now I switched to ice-cream.😀 Maybe I could eat 1 litre of ice-cream per day.

Last evening, at the train station in Prague, I went to Burger King and I asked for a Zinger Menu… it took me a while to realize that I’m not in KFC. But I had a nice salad with vinaigrette dressing and some onion rings. And a pudding tart in the train.

You know, when you try to put all the facts and all the inputs together you realize that the outcome may not be a positive one. That’s because I have an obsession to believe that everything is true and the true solution to the problem is the simplest one.

And you start to read about it and then you freak out by how much drama exists in this world that you didn’t even know about, because usually people, in the end, share only the positive outcome. Even if this happens the second, the third or the fourth time they’ve tried. What’s hard is that you cannot share the things in more details. You bury all the details inside you and you still pray for a positive result, even if you realize at some point that majority of the facts point to the contrary and all this praying is draining you, so you just want to forget about everything and go back to your happy stuff, maybe even starting to put together a recovery plan of what to do in case you fail, only to figure out some hours later, even without any new symptom, that you started focusing on the same, thus attracting it. Like somehow, deep inside, you feel you’re not (yet) worthy of such a blessing. Lucky you’re not the only one who depends on the positive outcome of this situation and more people are wishing it along with you.

And after taking a step back you realize that in order to be able to think positive again you need to cry. Simple as that. Perhaps from happiness. Or exhaustion. To really connect with what you feel right here and right now. It’s impossible not to worry. You worry from the first day you find out.. that you have to pass that exam.. until the last day, when he/she moves out for college. Which reminded me of a joke :)) Did I mention this is madness? Madness.. how can you survive with only “one small cup of coffee” per day?

Now I’m in mood for toasts. Hot, melted inside, made from 3 different types of pasteurized cheese toasts. With ketchup on top. And maybe even some mayonnaise. Just that I have no toast bread nor cheese in the house and outside it’s snowing and we don’t have a car to go to Tesco. Wait, I found a Pizza under that Ice-cream in the freezer, that should work for tonight😀 With Bryan Adams – Straight from the heart.

The June wedding thing

Uranus just crossed my 5th House in retrograde motion, in a cute triangle with my 2nd House Jupiter-Sun-Neptune and the Midheaven. The last time in my life when I will be having Uranus in my 5th House, just until March next year, after lurking around here for the past 6 years.

Last night I dreamed about Wesley.. yeah, that one. It was so fun. It was just him and me in a trailer and we were driving… somewhere. He was reading a letter that he received from Caroline and he was so excited about it and I was trying to cool him down. I was telling him that he should understand the difference between acting and real life, that even if he proposed to Caroline in the series, “dude, the woman is married, just had a baby, is busy, she cannot hang around from party to party with the other actors”.

Then we arrived to some amazing scenery of mountains and very beautiful blue skies and green pastures.. and I so desperately wanted to take pictures and when I took my camera and pressed the button, instead of taking the picture, it was showing me on the screen some picture that I made some years ago and I never saved it.. and I had to pass over 20-30 of these frames and I still didn’t arrive into the present scenery.

What bugs me is that I remember I knew in the dream where we are headed, to which country, but now I cannot remember. Even the dream itself I remembered it barely at some point in the afternoon, while I was working..

Some days ago I had another beautiful dream only with Nina. I cannot remember it😦

I’ve been so stressed out in the past 3 weeks that I’m even forgetting what I did 2-3 hours ago. Creepy. Probably due to reducing the caffeine intake.. Like this morning, when I came downstairs and I noticed the light was on in the stove room (central heating machine’s room) and the bottom door from the stove was wide open and there was a log missing. The thought that somebody got inside and put a log in there and opened the door and left the light on rushed to my mind faster than the memory of me doing it. Creepy, I’m telling you.

Covering the tracks..

After two nights ago, when I dreamed I am committed into a mental facility which was actually on the same property with my country side house.. better said, instead of that house… last night I dreamed I was in Mojo with a group of girls. I remember I went to the ladies room and I noticed I was wearing two skirts: one small white one, over some cute pinkish underwear, and a longer green one on top. And my hair was of a dark brown colour and bangs and held with a jaw clip, it was looking cool🙂 And the DJ there in Mojo was one of my highschool crushes and there was him also there and this DJ seemed to be very respectful with him and I looked surprised and he said: don’t you know, he’s one of the owners of this place, the major investor – or something. I was like… ooookkk… And then at a table in my left was Roxana and she was drinking from a coca-cola bottle, while playing with the straw, and then the waiter came and she asked me what I want and I said also a coca-cola. And she looked at me weird and said what’s with this non-alcoholic approach and then I whispered to her: I’m pregnant. And she smiled and left.