«Whenever you fall, pick something up. ~Oswald Avery»
I was thinking about me, about acting and about my attitude towards it… and I realized that this attitude was the only thing that has changed during all this time, from the first step I made into that acting class two and a half years ago.
If there is still someone who doesn’t know it already, this summer I had to perform three parts in theater plays, that I’m very proud of:
– I was the British high-class mother, Mrs Higgins, from „Pygmalion”,
– I was the eighteen years old Russian girl, Maria Antonovna, from „Revizorul”, (which was played twice),
– and I was the young girl housekeeper, Zamfira, from „Gaitele”.
The first time, for Mrs Higgins, I only had one week to learn the lines and prepare the character. It didn’t come out exactly as I wanted, but I was very proud because it meant that I finally did it for the first time! And from the three parts I had so far, this one had the biggest number of lines and I was happy that I managed to spell them all out correctly. Yes, the part was in Romanian, my mother tongue, but considering that I didn’t have a complete rehearsal for that play, it was something to be proud of in the end.
Besides all these, in a peaceful morning at the beginning of July, I had the idea to start preparing my own repertoire for the admission to the Faculty of Arts, which gave me other 4 opportunities to perform in front of an audience, with poems and with the monologue, from that repertoire. And each show had its little difficulties and its little fails that I saw after in the pictures and in the videos, that I had to overcome. And regaining that constructive energy when you have nothing (and no one) to hold on to, it takes some time!
Although I wasn’t accepted in, and I think that was because I couldn’t overcome my emotions in front of the admission committee (and understanding the reason of it, it’s like a puzzle that even some months after, my subconscious is still trying to solve), it was a great experience and each day after it I realize something new that makes me change my attitude towards it. I’m absolutely convinced that I’m a lot more than that «lifeless bug» or that «unmaried girl made from flowers» and I know that I can dance and I know that I can sing! I just have to have the patience to remember how to do it and to free my mind completely from that “fear of failure” monster.
First of all: acting in front of an audience isn’t easy at all and it’s something that changes your emotional equilibrium and your perspective about this reality for a couple of days before and after the show. Or at least, this is how it was each time, in my case. But little by little you start remembering yourself again and you realize that you can only remember the good things from your life. So much that even a month after that admission audition, I couldn’t think or talk about it, because it was too painful to remember myself failing. Lucky I had “Revizorul” that week which made me detach from all that for a while.
And also after this play, my attitude about the way I’m presenting myself in front of the world started to change. I even thought about “what if people will recognize me in the subway, my life is ruined, because I’m not wearing make-up!” How silly can that be now!!! But that’s the human mind. If there is this one little tiny fear inside, when you’re under pressure and the lights are all on you, that little tiny fear turns out to be a big monster that drains you completely. And you know that you have only a fraction of second to come back and play your lines! It’s thrilling.
And when the play is over and you free your mind again in order to receive the applauses, it’s just how someone dear described it once: it’s like a sweet drunkenness! A bliss and a feeling of release that stays with you at least until you go to bed and fall asleep… and then, the fear monster comes back and starts to drain your energy until the next time you’re forced to play again…
I remember all those sleepless hours (even whole nights), during the last couple of years, when I was dreaming whether I will have the chance to do it and how will it be… and how will my life change after I’ll do it for the first time. But my life didn’t change at all. Nothing changed actually. Not even my parents or my friends attitude towards me. Just my attitude changed… I had a fear and I had discovered the cure for it. And even if the fear is still there, dormant, I now know that it is definitely something after it. And that something could mean that next year I will try again for the admission, but first I need to work, to get the money! 🙂
And I said, it could mean, because I’m kind of struggling between three different directions: Screenwriting, Acting and Directing. Actually, I would like to do them all and I’m sure that my life will find the perfect way to combine them, because it doesn’t have to be tomorrow, or the next year or in the next ten years… it just has to be someday!
love need you so much!…