Whatever will make me suffer…

You know these little devices that you use for warming your hands and your face in the winter? At the beginning they are completely cold. But if you break them, they will start to heat up and they will warm you for a couple of hours… And then, they just need to be boiled, in order to achieve their natural state of coldness. This is exactly how the Venus in Scorpio works, but with a bigger cycle of time. And this is even more likely when that Venus is conjunct the Ascendant. And now, add also Saturn to it. It’s not just “beton”. It’s “beton armat”, as in, reinforced concrete. But break it, only once, and it will warm you up for a lifetime!

There is this need to connect as deepest as possible with yourself and with the other people. And when you are so connected with yourself, the world looks completely different: you’re in a different state of mind, where your thoughts, your eyes and your ears are magically synchronized onto the same thing. And that’s the moment of the bliss that you were waiting for. And it’s interesting, because when it’s suffering there isn’t anger. When is suffering, nowhere is anger.

This has installed itself like a virus inside of my own mind and I always seem to be attracting that ripping apart process whenever I feel the need to be alive again… As long as this need to suffer goes, I am able to commune with myself and realize that I AM ALIVE. When I was a baby, this could be achieved only after a very high amount of screams and tears… tears that ecah time, they were breaking me into pieces.

Now I can achieve this in a moment, without crying, without screams… without being left alone on the carpet outside the house. Sometimes I just need to press that button that makes me suffer. Sometimes, I only need to remember that it’s there. But in the worst cases, this means destroying something that I think I love and I’m very attached to, something that has become like a little obsession, like a rock stopping me in my process of growing.

Maybe I’m the Emo type. There is a different word for these tendencies, I know it, but I don’t want to use it. I mean, when everything goes right and life seems to be going smoothly, there is this fear of living in the superficiality and this need to connect with the “Higher Heaven”. A feeling of  “I know there’s a lot more inside of my being, but I’m to pleased with my own life to want to reach it”. And I know what it is, because I used to feel it… an infinite number of times. And when you feel it once, you just don’t want to come back.

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One thought on “Whatever will make me suffer…

  1. Pingback: Until when? « Exercising my Creativity

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