Disclaimer: this is a fantasy story, just like every other post on my blog. A make believe…
First of all: typing mistakes. This subject has fascinated me since the first moment I started writing online… it surprises me so much when I happen to find a missing letter in a word written months or years ago… or a wrong letter… I admit it, most of my mistakes are due to the fact that I’m not being fully aware of the typing process, I mean, I’m day-dreaming… or simply having the mind on a different task… I could blame the stress or the loudness at work, but at home no one is bothering me… sometimes the music, I accept it, but that’s it. And I still make mistakes.
I do admit it too, I have words in english, in my mind, that I don’t know how to spell correctly, but I search online for them. I even made a top of the letters I miss the most and on the first place is the h. Then, o… c… d… even s. Oh yeah, and n, but I think I had a piece of something blocking this key on my laptop keyboard… But I never missed an f, before. Probably that’s because they are not that frequent as the other letters and it’s easier for them to be noticed.
At this exact point I wish I could live in this state forever… it’s a state when I feel so clear to myself and so daring to actually admit what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it.
Something a bit personal and intimate, but, what the heck: today, for the first time in my life I happened to find myself daydreaming about being pregnant 😀 Perhaps due to the chapters of 7th Heaven with Lucy, that I saw recently. And I don’t know, but, while thinking about that, I felt happy and actually integrating that “energy” into me, I felt if life will do start to have a real meaning. I mean, a true reason to wake up in the morning, to go to work, to pay attention not to make mistakes, so that other people won’t do overtime because of me etc. But the exact next moment I imagined myself pregnant, I also tried to picture “the man”, that will be there to listen to the news and to feel happy for the same thing…. and I couldn’t.
With such a shame and feeling of hopelessness I state that none of the men I met and I once dated in my life was adequate for that part. So, in that dream… there was no man at all. I felt like I simply haven’t met the one that is destined to play that part with me.
And something else, I know I’m not queen charming, but I do find myself beautiful when I look into the mirror… I know I’m not working at NASA or some other hi-intelligence agency, but I do find myself smart. And I promise that I do my best. Yet there are times, when the people around me are not used to see me “at my best” and I don’t know yet how to defend myself from… that much admiration. Honestly. Because I believe, that sometimes, when you’re being too much loved, it creates from you an uglier monster than for when you’re not being loved at all.