Happiness is something that you choose

Listening to Adele’s song I sudden had the realization that I don’t resonate with it.

Why? Because deep down inside, I’m not feeling bad at all, but I don’t know why I am wearing that often the “drama-mask”. Perhaps only because I feel physically tired, from everything I am required to do at work, on my home front and during my hobbies. Just a little tired, physically, since lately I cannot fall asleep until 2 AM… I feel too mentally energised to do it. That’s why I wanted to smoke… to low down a part of the energy and release the mental pressure… just until my heart, to fill in the void. It’s hard to live peacefully and happy when you know/see/feel too many things that not all the people do.

Last week I have bought myself a pack of cigarettes and I think it’s the third time I have done this in my life, each time from a different reason. I only smoked 2 and then I had no need to do it… but I won’t give it away to a smoker person, like the previous 2 times, I’ll keep it in my pocket, just in case, so I won’t have to ask other people when I’m out and I wanna do it. But you know what I realized? That 90% of the smokers are doing it unconsciously, because they are already too burned to realize the powerful effect that a smoke has over one’s emotional body. 90% of the smokers are just wasting money…

I bought myself a book: “The Highly Sensitive Person’s Survival Guide”. I don’t know why I did it, because it has a very rigid and technical language. And what I feel I need now, is imagination, fantasy stories, like “Alice in Wonderland” or “The Chronicles of Narnia”… I’m in a time in my life when I realized that I’m completely lacking in fantasy, because when someone asked me what I want for my birthday, I answered “just to answer the emails I wrote you”. That was a very dull reaction.

Last night, around 3 AM, while walking alone, in the search of myself, between the University Square and the Unirii Square, I met a cute guy 😀 Scorpio Mars, in my 12th house, over my Scorpio Venus. Someone that seems to be in the same physical universe as me and he sees me without the need to stare into my eyes to understand what I say. Such a relief to know that there are still people like this. And when I arrived home, with the first metro train, I saw that I have no light in my house. I have electricity, but I don’t have light. 😀

Happiness is something that you choose, but first you need to learn how to do it.

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3 thoughts on “Happiness is something that you choose

  1. Pingback: Un post cu un titlu aparent inexistent « Molecule din praf stelar

  2. just an ex-smoker

    you are already one of the 90% smokers, more precisely the 100% smokers, the moment you decide to “keep it in your pocket, just in case”.

    Reply
    1. Stefania Post author

      i don’t quite understand you… could you be more specific?
      the fact is, and I’m quite ashamed of it, this evening at work, I smoked again… I just had a compulsive need out of the blue, I felt I couldn’t breath otherwise if I wouldn’t release the pressure in my chest.. and I simply don’t have the time to start listening depressive music and cry over. I know it’s a very harmful way to solve my (emotional) issues, but I do strive to think in terms that.. things will turn out better. someday.

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