When I had my farewell gathering in Bucharest, with my colleagues from work, I remember Daniela told me “you should not be sad, for leaving, because you have everything“. I didn’t know what I am going to find there, how much I will be able to stay, how demanding the work will be etc. I only knew that I have to go, perhaps to find answers for all these.
It took me 1 & 1/2 years to understand what she told me, even if I’m trying to consider myself a highly philosophical and spiritual person. Finding this quote, right now, made my mind click:
“Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.”
I think the biggest problem wasn’t really about understanding, but about accepting.
Accepting the freedom, thus the lack of dependency, that is implied by it. And the first feeling that woke up in me right now, putting myself in the same shoes from back then, was fear.
Fear of the unknown, of the parts from the world that, they suppose to belong to me and I don’t know them. Which implies, fear of not knowing myself enough to be able to survive anywhere, independently. Fear of not being able to raise myself that much, yet being also grounded enough, to be able to find and to correct all my errors, before somebody else does. Fear of the power that I could have, fear of success.
And seems that, at that point, this fear was either completely overwhelming, either completely denied. It seems that I was much more strong than I thought myself I could be.
Because some thousand kilometers and thousand days away, the feeling of suffering becomes just as ephemeral as… a rainbow after the rain.