Still moving.. slowly.. but moving

It starts to feel harder now doing everything on my own… I have bruises on both hands from accidentally hitting them on stuff while spinning the wheels. My left shoulder hurts and my left arm feels partially numb.. I have to move it all the time. And my back. I tried 24h without any pain medication, but this evening I couldn’t take it anymore without it. And the pill took just part of the back pain… The rest.. just enough to feel that I still have a body.

Today when I received the rehabilitation plan, with 5-6 procedures every day, and I saw my name on it, with a bunch of stuff about my condition, all in czech, completely not-understandable, I kinda had a shock… I mean, for first time I really understood what happened to me. And where. And why. Why: because I was mentally exhausted and I didn’t realize it. Now I’m even starting to consider I suffer from depression or at least I was, at some point of my life and somehow I learnt to live with it. Yeah, I’m a drama queen. There are so many people here with so many different stages of inability… they even sell wheel chairs. Am I really sick if I wish to have one of my own? Those electric ones. Anything instead of having to drive a car again.

I had one procedure today – electro – and a status check of my overall condition, as my first session of ergotherapy (?!). The electro procedure was about me sitting for 10 min with two electrodes over my left leg, that were tickling… my nerves. Honestly, I don’t know what benefits could that bring me… I was feeling much more with those abtronic devices, in my teenage years, that had absolutely no effect on my cellulite. But maybe slowly they will start increasing the intensity of the current. And will start tickling also the surrounding areas of the leg.

And the test… I got 10 at most of the questions. I was even thinking, at some point, that the lady will ask me why I’m here and not home, home-working, contributing to the budget of the state, for all the people with harder conditions to benefit from me… she did give me a 5 from 10 to a certain question, when I told her that our bed at home is on the 2nd floor and we don’t have elevator. Overall at this procedure I would have to make baskets out of whips or play with ceramics. I believe that only if I would play football with that ceramic would effectively improve my muscles in my left leg and my walking. Or find someone to bdsm with those whips. That would be more fun.

WTF.. I wonder why I keep writing here, procrastinating, when the only thing I really want right now is to cry. Gotta put Faded on repeat. I noticed it’s the perfect song to listen if you want to cry out your stomach.. pushing away all the emotional pain. The funny thing is that it will still not go away, I will just realize eventually that by crying too much my head will start to hurt (also) and I will still have to face everything alone, nobody will come by magic to give me strength to walk again. Or maybe I should take a pill of Mg mineral and eat something… with a lot of sugar.

Hmm.. actually I already feel better, just after writing all this. Maybe I should just go to sleep.

PS. You know which is the hardest part of all this? That I’m treated like a victim. I hate being treated like a victim. As I manage to find the comic in all this I expect others to do it also. Don’t take on your face what you think I might be feeling, take what you would like me to feel.

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