One time, in the autumn of 2011, in an evening, after the acting class… actually on Nov 1st, 2011 :D, I was waiting for the metro train at Unirii station. When the metro came, I saw him. I’ve been secretly longing for this encounter, to redeem myself, from when we saw each other at Victoriei, almost 3 years before, when we managed to freak each other out in just the ride of one station, I – by being smothering, he – by being emotionally unavailable.
He sat on a chair in front of me, but on a line of chairs more in the right. He didn’t show any signs of seeing me/recognising me, he was reading/pretending to read the whole time. I didn’t want to disturb him, but, as the seconds were passing by, I started to feel like I’m sitting on needles. I was starting to feel just how a vampire feels when he finds himself in a house where he was not invited. I wanted to just run away. But something was keeping me glued to the chair. I was afraid to draw any attention, so I tried to not even move at all.
I remembered the time from some months before, when we somehow ended up just the two of us, waiting to take the metro from Eroilor. I freaked out. The idea of sitting together on two seats, one next to the other, freaked me out.
I remembered that time when we stayed, next to each other, for 10 more minutes, to see the girl playing the contrabass. When he said about her that “She doesn’t know how to receive the applauses”. I felt we got too close. Emotionally, way too close. When we were putting our coats to leave, for some seconds I felt like we were sharing the same aura and that everything else disappeared. It felt magical. For the first time I felt comfortable in his presence. And then we got interrupted, as if we were committing a sin or something… 😦
“And now I hope you won’t run away”, I said. “Then, You run away!” he said. And he went forwards, throughout the train. I sat on the first empty seat I saw. I didn’t see where he ended up sitting.
I’m still fighting to dissolve all this and probably I’ll never will. I couldn’t handle one more. So every time I feel just the slight hint of wanting to run away, I will, without looking back. I’ll cover my eyes and my ears and just run away. Like I did on my birthday and ended up in Mojo..
I ran away one time even from my mom, when she got angry and was screaming at me to get into the car, in public, in the centre of the city. I was 25 back then… While walking alone on the streets, towards home, 5 minutes later, my dad just happend to pass by, in a car with his colleagues from work. They took me in. And I remember I arrived home even before mom did. And I would’ve arrived safely anyway, even walking until home.. I did that hundreds of time before.
Parents will never recognize they are psychically abusing their children. They will only make you look/feel like You are the crazy one. When you tell them “You don’t love me. I don’t feel loved”, they will tell you to stop saying stupid things and that you are an ungrateful brat. Try it!
I love you mom and dad. I love you because I am supposed to love you, because you are my parents and you raised me, but not because I feel it. I just can’t feel it. Love is a very sensitive energy. Our generation wasn’t raised to love the parents, was raised to “fear them”. What they sadly considered to be synonym with “respecting them”.
That’s why we ended up confusing fear with love.