Sometimes freedom is over-rated

All my life I wished to drive a car, just by myself. I’ve been dreaming about that since I learned how to drive. At some subconscious level I believed that driving your own car is the archetype of freedom. Ok, I wasn’t driving my own car, maybe that was the problem, but still, I feel that things are just not fair. Too many hard times I had to live in the past 2 years and something.

After only a half of year of driving alone I had an accident that kept me 18 weeks in the hospital, from which 10 weeks only on my back in bed. Yes, I find this my biggest accomplishment. When I couldn’t take it anymore I was searching for something that would make me cry and start the count all over again. I only cryied 4 or 5 times… but each time I felt I’m pooring my soul out and I cried for everything.

Today is my official last day of Illness Leave, after another week at home. And I feel like crying. I’m still walking with crutches… and I don’t know yet for how long. I wonder when and if I will ever be able to run again… anyway, I should be grateful that I’m still able to walk.

Some people say I was lucky. I would say to those people to keep these things for themselves, as they don’t know my life so far, to conclude what was luck and what wasn’t. Still, I feel grateful that I had to live this. It’s an experience nonetheless, from the darker spectrum of life, that made me see life a bit different. I don’t want to repeat it, especially the first week when everything was so painful and I wasn’t able to understand myself with anyone.

Some weeks before that, I came to believe that if you create and you visualize your own future, nothing bad can happen to you. I had flight tickets for 1 week in the south of Spain… but I was still in hospital at those dates. I guess I was wrong. Your life can be still changed in just a second, in any second.

And now I believe the most intense feeling of freedom is while flying in a plane, all by myself, above the clouds, towards a new destination. At least from a plane, if crashing, the chances to change your life are almost zero.

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