To continue.. or to stop.. evolving

The hardest part is the fact that I cannot discard this sensation that “nobody cares, anyway”. Probably due to spending half of this year alone in the hospital..

Nobody really cares about your drama. This is the lesson I learned this year. When people are interested about your health they are not really interested to see how you feel, they just do it either to assure themselves that they are humans either to have something to share with the others, as small gossip..

When I found out, I was advised not to tell anyone, until some long weeks have passed. I felt weird. I felt like I was deceiving everyone with whom I was having a conversation and not being able to share this. I felt like I was deceiving myself. I felt like I was forced to look also at the negative side of the things. Next time, I will put the picture of the 2 lines on my blog and on my Facebook from the first second I will see them. So that he/she will not feel ignored and disappear, even before starting to grow a heart. Next time I will share all my “drama” from the very first second.

Because, you know what?… I care. And I care more and more every second. And for me I’m writing it. I don’t give a fuck anymore about what anyone thinks. My life, with ups and downs, all human experiences.

Probably right now I don’t feel it as deeply as some other women do when they pass through something like this, because I didn’t have too much time to dream about it. I wanted it and it was enough only just one try, as per the book. I did plans, of course, most of them financial ones. Honestly, I was in the clouds of happiness only in the first few hours. Then, after work, I had to walk until Tesco to buy vitamins and I had to spend half an hour outside in the cold yearning for that taxi that just wouldn’t come… That was the first moment when I started to doubt it. When I started to really think about how my future will look like. And how much I will have to endure alone, even if being married. And it didn’t take too long until it started to feel it too and change its “mind”.

4 mm of a thing that was there, 2 weeks ago, now was gone. Vanished away into a better dimension. Completely invisible. They took the Hcg to compare with the one from next Monday, before “officially calling it”, but I see it like 90% lost. Probably that’s for the best, this time. I will know for next time not to be so bloody stressed. I was screening absolutely everything that I was putting in my mouth or on my body – is it safe? It’s crazy. You cannot live like this for 9 months. Last night I dreamed I was drinking some white wine. It was so amazingly tasty… Next time I will know so many things that I didn’t know this time. I feel like I experienced a demo version.

Yet, the hard part from this process has just started. I hope the next stages will not be too painful, physically speaking.. Because my intuition was telling me from the beginning of last week that something is not going according to the plan – when this possible explanation made room into my head, while applying Occam’s Razor – and I was feeling like being Schrödinger’s box, I had some time to get used with the idea, emotionally. Today, while not seeing anything there, knowing it should have been at least 20 mm, was just the end of the emotional turmoil.

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