I woke up this morning and I talked with mom and we ended up yelling at each other over the phone.. she was telling me to stop reading all sorts of things over all forums that would end up stressing me unnecessarily. I disagreed, saying that all I’m doing is researching and documenting myself. Yes, I ended up reading papers of embryology and all sorts of medical things that only medicine students have to know. It’s very scary to know how little things I really know. It’s scary when I go to doctor and I don’t understand what they are saying..
I feel lost. 5 weeks ago I thought I know something.. I thought I had over 85% chances to a normal carriage, as per the statistics for my age. I dared to begin thinking that some of my wishes are getting true and I’m heading somewhere. Now, I’m reassured again: wishes never come true exactly the way you want them. You have a plan, God has a complete different one. Or the stars. Or the universe. Or.. whoever…
I feel so disconnected spiritually right now. I went back to search connectedness between the stars. Or the planets… I feel so alive between the stars. Immortal. I was told to think less and leave life happen. Ok, but what am I supposed to do in the meanwhile? It’s My Life, how can I let it live without me!? 😀
Beginning of January, next year, Jupiter will enter my 12th House and stay there for almost 1 year, while North Node will cross over the Midheaven and Uranus will set itself firmly into my 6th House. February will be another positively charged month, thanks to Uranus, which repeats “the figure” from October. I learned so far that what happens when planets are retrograde is just a form of a spiritual/emotional demo.. a help to get you used with the idea. And then it will repeat in full version when the planet goes back in normal motion and makes the same aspects again. Maybe I should believe in this.
I have to believe in something. That’s how I’m built. I cannot live only in the present. I need to know that I’m part of a greater thing and that my life is following some plan. I need to feel I’m greater than just my own body.
Of course I want a child. I’m scared, yes, by the “infant”and “baby” stages of it, but I really want a child. I want to learn along with a child. Explore the world again, together. (Re) Educate each other. Adulthood is very depressing, don’t you think? For example, if you start acting curious, exploring the nature and the laws of the universe, people would think you are crazy. If you suddenly give up your job and your career and spend all your savings travelling around the world with just one backpack people would think you got insane. “You should have known all the laws of the universe by now!”. “Now it’s your time to settle down!”. “Haven’t you travelled enough already?”.
And after a certain age you begin to believe that also. Now I’m really thinking when was the last time I was happy about something that I achieved. I guess it was after that exam in beginning of July. But it lasted for just few hours. Now I’m stressed about the one in December. I have passed through all the curriculum one time but I still need a lot of practice with exercises… who has mood for that, now?? They will publish the results exactly on my Birthday. I had some plans on what to write on my cake this year, but it looks I will have to change that. Next time.