Growing up

I received over 50 likes to my FB profile picture, which is the one from below. I was happy and surprised when I saw I have 40, at some point, but then, when I noticed they are still growing, I started to get scared. I know, 50 people liking your picture is not much. Others have hundreds. But it’s much for me.. the highest I ever got. It feels like a standard now, which I will have to preserve. Which means I will probably leave that picture, until at least my next birthday. 🙂

I know this thing with the likes is silly and superficial, I should be worried by more “grown up” stuff. For example yesterday I started studying for F7. I don’t know yet the result from F5 and I was planning to use this vacation just to relax, but I noticed if I stay too much without studying, all sort of feelings of hopelessness and the sensation that I’m wasting my life start to pile over me.

Also, I feel I should not be writing anymore about the dreams I was having, yes, precisely those, as anyone can read them, who knows what they might think about me. Perhaps I should be keeping them for myself. Or perhaps I should search even deeper, for a solution, to stop dreaming them in the first place. Yes, I read this paragraph, I know I’m 33 years old and not 14, but.. is there really a life achievement standard, by milestones, that everyone should follow, for example “stop dreaming about men you haven’t seen in years, by… certain age”? Like the development standard for babies, that they should start walking by 12 months and talk fluently by 36 months. I am keeping a job which allows me to make savings also, I pay all my taxes, I am in a stable relationship, I am also studying for a specialisation, so where’s the problem?

That one day all this balance that I’m trying to preserve might break? And everything I built so far might fall apart? Things can fall apart anyway, for numerous reasons, there is always a risk. Things have fallen apart before, I managed to fix them. They will fall apart again, I will clean the dust from them and start re-building, on a more solid ground.

It’s hard when you feel that the world – and success – is trying to change you. As imperfect as you are, you know yourself and you got used with yourself and with your defects. In the world we live right now, it’s normal to produce also waste-energy or emotions, nobody is a saint. Some defects cannot be hidden away, thrown under the carpet, because one day you may realise all your comfort is built over a pile of crap. Defects are to be let out little by little every day, like water running down from an accumulation lake, until the whole dam will explode.

It may sound cliché, but as wider your foundation is, as higher you can build upon yourself, as a stable structure, so it’s never bad to keep digging, even if you feel completely underwater. If you don’t get to the surface this life, that’s ok, maybe next one. Not everyone was born to fly, some were born to master swimming, even if, just metaphorically speaking. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll rediscover Atlantis or Lemuria.

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