Hang in there, child

Last night I dreamed I was somewhere in school and I was asked by the teacher to present my homework, but I didn’t have it ready, it was a struggle for me even to be present there, in the first place.

The teacher came to me from the right side of the desk and in front of me, at the same desk, somehow separated by a laptop or some books, he was sitting. He looked down when I couldn’t present my homework, as if he would feel my own shame. He was acting like a mentor or counselor and he took my unsuccess as his failure. And then he leaned forward and he offered his right hand, over the table, that, few seconds later, I touched with my left one. And he told me that he understands, that I had other priorities and that he is supporting, wishing me to “keep hanging in there”. With time, perhaps, things will become easier to bear. Not easier, just easier to bear.

I was trying to say that now I do understand things, better than 10-15 years ago. Thing I couldn’t imagine would happen, 10-15-20 years ago, when my anxiety was taking over me, each time I was asked to express my impressions or my opinions about something emotional or psychological. It’s hard also now, at this age, sometimes I’m saying the things as if I’m playing a role, completely disconnected from my true self. Sometimes I even realize I have several options in which I could react to a certain situation and, most of the times when this happens, I don’t react at all. With time, perhaps things will become easier to bear. In general.

Sometimes I dream that I had a baby, that at some point my mom took away from me to raise instead of me and it either died, due to being ignored, either went missing.. and I was always searching for them. And these dreams started way long time ago..

Not in the mood to do anything today, except listening to music and surviving. My head hurts and I don’t know why. But with time, perhaps things will become easier to bear.

Thank you, my dream-yang-self, whoever you may be. I wonder if everyone else perceives themselves like me, through their dreams, or it’s just me.. It took me a lot of years to acknowledge the existence of the concept of “progress”, which goes hand in hand with the concept of “patience”.

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