With the windmills..

It’s been a weird week, “struggling” – I think is the correct word. I’m fighting with a rhinitis, I don’t know what’s wrong with my nose lately, for the past months I felt I had to use a decongestant when I was going to bed as my nose was getting stuck suddenly, each time I was putting my head on the pillow. It took me a while to figure out something is wrong, but I think mostly on the spiritual level, as I don’t seem to have anything else physically than some side-effect to using too much of the ingredients contained in the decongestant itself.

Yeah.. So yesterday morning I made myself some solution made of hot water and simple baking soda. I don’t remember how I got this idea. Anyway, after using it just one time yesterday morning seemed that it’s working, but as I went to bed my nose got stuck again. So I used the decongestant only on one nostril, as experiment. It worked for the moment but felt cemented when I woke up in the morning. I was able to breathe just on the other one. So I made another solution with baking soda and I took a breath into that with each nostril until it came into my mouth, which meant it worked.

And then I had such a weird taste in my mouth that the usual coffee I’m making everyday felt horrible. The bad taste went away after I had a glass of water. But enough about this.

What I actually wanted to write is that I feel very pissed of. It’s been a hard week, from more reasons. A, did I mention I fell on the stairs Monday morning? Yeah, when I was climbing back up with the second coffee, pissed of by something. I was thinking if I should take a nurofen maybe my nose will get unstuck, but I felt guilty to take one nurofen just for that. So I slipped with the socks on the wooden stairs and I hit with my left knee on the margin, that I have it all bruised up. And I spilled the coffee all over the place, including on my favorite microfiber hanorac and.. in my head. So then it felt totally legit to take one nurofen. Yeah, now it sounds funny. I mean, how can you tell someone, that you spilled coffee in your head and not make that person laugh?

Maybe I need to take myself more easily. I’m probably trying to juggle with too much stuff. I was working whole weekend on the homework for the astrology class and I noticed yesterday that I still had a calculus mistake. It literally ills me when I see I’m making stupid calculus mistakes. No matter if I discover them myself or someone else points them out to me. Actually I feel worse when I discover them myself because it gives me the feeling that nobody else cares anyway and it feels as if I’m fighting alone with the windmills..

And regarding my mistake… I did those calculations like 4-5 times and I couldn’t see that I was doing this thing wrong each time: basically I had to calculate where was the Ascendant (at a specific time) at 45 degrees and 45 minutes latitude, by knowing that at 46 it was at 3Cap50 and at 45 it was at 4Cap47… I mean to me the difference between these two points was 53 minutes. I mean, the impact of the mistake is really immaterial, one minute of a degree, but it made me feel so bad. It opened up wounds when my primary school teacher was telling to my mom at every meeting “she is intelligent, catches things fast, but she is scatter-brained, makes very simple calculus mistakes”. Hmm, this word sounds so bad in English, scatter-brained.. Anyway…

So yes, I admit I have one obsession: when I want to solve something, that I know I should be able to solve, I’m getting so caught into it that my mind gets completely blind and my eyes get stuck on a point on the screen and the minutes just pass and more minutes pass and I’m getting stressed and the time just flies and I still haven’t solved it.

It doesn’t matter what I’m trying to solve, some mystery perhaps, but mostly this happens when I’m trying to solve something that some average person would refuse, by recognizing that there are too many unknown variables, for a solution to be found. But I know that I know stuff. I know that I can get to access stuff, with my mind, if I concentrate long enough, that not everybody can. And it feels so Epic when I finally solve the puzzle! Maybe I should start with solving one of those Millennium Math Equations, this way my life struggle will bring some benefit also to the mankind. I think that on my tomb it will be written: “She died of exhaustion, by trying to solve something that nobody even knew it needed to be solved.”

[…]

I remember when I had to do one exercise in my acting class when I had to improvise that I am falling asleep. I played for like 5 minutes pretending that I was falling asleep, like in the cartoons but the negative feedback I was receiving made me so exhausted trying to understand it that literally made me fall asleep. That was a catharsis moment for me.

PS. While writing this I listened for about one hour on repeat this song. Ok, I do suffer from some obsessive-compulsive tendencies. But who doesn’t? I mean, I wouldn’t have done anything at all in my life without my Scorpio Rising and Pluto in the 12th House. I mean, I think is too much to call them obsessive-compulsives, as they are not hurting anyone, I’m listening on headsets, I’m quiet in my corner, I had dinner (potato chips and one glass of white wine), everything looks ok around me.. I’m even feeling happy now. Did I mention I washed the dishes everyday for the past 7 days? Because I felt too stressed out that they were hurting my brain by lying there in the sink. See? Only benefits. So, some obsessions, sometimes, are also good. For the mankind.

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