Flooded by Neptune

It’s 2:34 and I came down-stairs, listening Symphony on repeat for the past two hours now and flirting with a can of beans in tomato sauce. I guess it’s still better than sweets or bread with cheese.

I’m not ready for this reality. I mean, everything seems so tough lately. And usually, people share the “after” story, because for the “during” they can’t find the power or the words to describe the experience. So I’m doing it. Now I’m anxious that my day tomorrow is ruined, because of not getting enough sleep. Also, the other plans are on hold – if no action taken in the past days was effective enough – because I finally realized that I’m simply not prepared for this reality. Saturn has to go far away from my Sun first!

Last week I thought I had a plan cleared out, following the same idea that came to me on November 1st. On Saturday, after inaugurating the new coffee filter that Leo bought by surprise (almost 5 years had passed from the moment I started suggesting it and having given up eventually, while getting used with the french-press), we ran some errands in the morning and in the afternoon we managed to clean the whole house spotless (I mean, the habited areas) and I even glued frozen stars on the windows. And then we drove to Ostrava on Sunday and I was feeling quite proud of myself for what I have managed to achieve, that I even rewarded my efforts by indulging in the purchase of a toy Unicorn. I love it. And some pink running brisk walking shoes and another activewear hoodie, grey and pink, exactly like the one I dreamed about, with the zipper. 🙂

Yesterday I felt so sleepy in the evening that I went to bed at 21ish. But I was forcing myself to read a book about parenting that would only piss me off. Maybe I’m completely naive, but I imagine my conversations with my future baby to be different from the ones depicted (and advised) in those books. I mean, I’m dreaming that 90% of the communication with my child will be non-verbal, mostly emotional and telepathic. What really pushes all my buttons (in a negative way) is when they are teaching you to tell the baby to “wait for 5 minutes”, while you talk with the dad or with an adult friend of yours or while you have a coffee on your own in the kitchen. OK. As if a baby would get born with an innate sense of what 5 minutes mean. Besides, the dad or the friend can wait/find other stuff to entertain themselves for 5 minutes, whereas the baby will grow unbelievably fast and head off to college in like the blink of an eye = has priority.

Anyway. This afternoon I found myself covered by the same sleepiness, only this time it came also with a headache. And some unbearable anxiety, related in particular to the process of giving birth, which I managed to reduce by some comforting readings I found online. And then I read (accidentally) that the actual pregnancy put together pro-cons might be much worse than those few hours of labor and delivery. And I’m not even pregnant. That’s the problem, last year I started stressing out barely around week 7 when I noticed the morning sickness is not increasing, this year I started stressing out literally (and literary) from (potential) Day 1.

And when a stuffed nose joined the show, I couldn’t take it anymore so I took a Nurofen. I gave up everything. Enough is enough. And then, after 1 hour of showing no signs that it will take my pain away, I had a tantrum. It’s a quite unbalancing feeling knowing that you are relatively alone in this world when you need comfort the most because the people with whom you would feel comfortable to go to for advice either they don’t have what you need either they don’t want to provide it (for free) either they want to sleep. And then I used also a decongestant (after almost 3 weeks without touching it). And just 10 seconds were enough to feel light again, I couldn’t cry, but I took my glasses and my blanket and ran down-stairs, to my unicorn, to meditate as I know best: through writing.

And yeah – I found two reasons for bringing another human being into this world: music and food. These are the only two things I can assure my child he/she will never miss. Ok, already started doubting the food thing. I don’t know yet what they are planning to serve when we will embark on the space shuttle to one of Saturn’s Moons.

There might be love also (and the feeling of being in love) but statistically, considering how many frogs and beasts we have to deal with, until finding the prince, this brings more misery than happiness, so not that much worth going through all this turmoil, in the end. I would even consider this as the main con reason: fucked up human’s emotions. Because nobody will ever hold you tight and not let go. Aside from your unicorn.

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