When you’re feeling lost

It’s ok, find a bench, sit and take a deep breath. Nobody is more “found” anyway. At least this is the belief that keeps me on the floating line on the time being: the truth is relative and nobody knows the future, they only believe it.

In the worse case, you can go talk to that priest and ask him. He will surely direct you to the nearest toilet. (I read this somewhere I don’t remember where, no offense, it was a joke, take it as one).

I mean, there are so many thoughts and ideas and potential decisions that run through my head, but I need to “bounce” them by someone first, to see how realistic they are, through someone else’s eyes. Someone with enough life experience (preferably in my fields of “expertise”) to consult me. Maybe because, if the things will not work out, after deciding to head in a certain direction, to have someone to blame. 😀 Or to have someone with whom to share the fruits.

I’ve been listening on repeat the same song, almost continuously since yesterday after work. I’m not sharing it here, I’m only saying that I’m surprised (in a sad way) that it got no likes, in the place where I found it. Or maybe I don’t have enough clearance to see them. Anyway… I’ve been meditating last night, when I was not able to fall asleep, that I should burn that bridge completely, I was trying to convince myself that I will be ok without it, but then I remembered I did it already a couple of times and I still built it back. So I’m searching for a more permanent solution this time.

Christina’s video reminded of my London experience. I had just turned 25 when I left, literally, I left just the next morning, I had a contract for a job as cosmetics promoter with an Israelian company and a place to live in, a bed in a shared room, provided by the company. Maybe I was too young, but I freaked out after just one week, it was not suiting me, I was always behind with the training and completely lacking in confidence to do what the other girls were doing so effortlessly. Omg, I mean there were too many coincidences that were happening and at one point I did feel like I completely lost it. Or finally got it. Reality. And when none of the other girls seemed to be able to bring me back to my senses, I was called by the manager and was asked to release the position and the room asap.

Only I know how I managed to keep myself calm and to come back, I remember at one point I simply stopped caring anymore, about anything, I was walking around the streets of London with completely no purpose. I was feeling so free. And I met an old man and we started talking and I went with him to his shelter for a hot tea with milk. I mean, I didn’t feel I was in any danger, everything was so natural, like normal people that just met on a bench in front of a cathedral (at least this is what I remember), with no hidden agenda. Then, I took my suitcase and I took the train towards the airport with only the exact amount of pounds left for a plane ticket to come back, simply letting life happen, anything could have happened. But it didn’t. And barely after I got my boarding pass I understood why I have to come back. Omg, such an “out of the comfort zone” adventure that I had in those two weeks when I spent 800 pounds. And when I came back my parents said it’s ok, I don’t have to feel sorry for failing, I should consider that money like a present from them for my 25th birthday. Which kinda pissed me off.. but that’s a different topic.

And then I left again in 2012, I was 28 & 1/2 years old, I remember the money I had with me when I left lasted only until the beginning of September, when I spent the whole morning in a Sunday (was it Sunday or Saturday?) in the search for that Western Union office where my mom had sent some more money to help me survive for one more week, until my first pay-czech. :D.

And here I am now, still here (more or less), 5 years and (almost) 4 months later. I’m ok. I did freak out here also, various times, but it looks like it was not enough to be sent back, I was building something good each time, at the end of the day. It’s ok here, more than ok, actually, it’s above average now, as the standard of living in this country, but I still have the feeling that something is missing. I mean, with the years passing, my expectations about my life achievements increased also. And I’ve been through so much bad stuff, like serious life-changing stuff. Yet nothing changed. I’m so fucking lonely. Even considering.

And what is really creepy is that it feels much more comfortable to write on my blog about it, than to reach out to someone to talk to. Anyone at all. Or to actually do anything in any direction, that would change this for me. I’ve converted myself into a complete introvert. Or maybe I had it in me all along.

I mean, when I never leave the house (the home-office) how can I get lost? I know very much my way around my blog, Facebook, Instagram etc. (No wonder now I have vitamin D deficiency!). When traveling, on vacation, this does not count – I’m like a completely different person when it comes to traveling. I’m talking about the normal day-to-day life. The rest of one’s life. The other 47 weeks of each year.

I don’t think I have a thing for wanting too much to be accepted by someone. Especially when that someone is more special than another someone, in that particular life. I think my thing is a desperate need to accept myself. Accept what I didn’t have the chance to discover about myself so far. And what I will never get the chance to discover at all, during this lifetime. Heart(h)s instead of eyes. I mean, how can I burn such a deep warm genuine smile that this brings to my life?

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