I just re-watched the last 2 episodes of The Vampire Diaries. Some things made a little more sense now, even aligning with what I was believing inside.
Yesterday I said some things to someone and then I was so surprised when I realized that tears are starting to make room on my face. I remembered that YouTube documentary about that little girl who never ate. When she was induced into crying by her therapist, in order to let go all the trauma she had lived in her first years of life and heal herself. And be able to eat normally, for the first time in her life.
But I didn’t want to cry, not there and not in that moment, I tried to bookmark the thing that triggered my deep emotions, to revisit it when I will be alone at home, but now I cannot remember what it was.
You know, on one way I felt angry, like, “What are you trying to do to me, here? It took me over 30 years to learn how to be tough, now you are telling me that I am allowed to cry?” “That crying is also a language in itself, that expresses things and that others should respect?” “I mean, barely now?” “I was longing for this moment for so long that I learned how to soothe myself alone, it’s ok, that moment will never come, maybe not everyone is meant to.”
I felt, maybe for the first time ever, unconditionally loved. It was scary. I felt how I was given a voice. I was there before, I remember it, around 10 years ago, when I was encouraged to dig that way, but it didn’t end well. The Voice of my own soul, nobody has ever the time/mood/patience/energy to listen to it completely.
Probably some things are to be let buried, in Peace, for centuries. Even superficial Peace, that may appear to be. And cover them with millions of tones of sand and build a new self over them.
I remember the last time I poured my soul out, sobbing for about one hour, last year, in the day I was notified my promotion is officially approved, just a couple of hours before that actually, due to a series of badly synchronized events. I started crying when I felt like my whole world and everything I knew real in it is falling apart. It felt like dying, it felt completely surreal, but, on some level, it felt good. Not the crying, but the possibility of a completely turned upside down world. Because it meant that, now, even other impossible things might happen.
It’s been 4 months and 5 days now… from a different event. Not that I’m counting, I’m just surprised. Who knows, maybe I found my Peace.
I love you. And I am very aware now of why I’m writting it. Everybody needs love, honestly, it doesn’t really matter from where it’s comming as long as you are open to receive it.
It’s ok, even if this world will fall appart, there is still water and sand enough in it to build a new one. 🙂