Most probably, definitely, next life :)

I’m watching on Youtube some music collages with Vampire Diaries characters, which got me too emotional. “Holding on, and letting go.”

Ok, I got here from the episode when Grayson prepared a romantic dinner and declared himself to Jane and she… just invited him… out of the house. I mean, I understand her reasons, but still… I couldn’t help feeling for him.

I was thinking about something, I had an intuition about the deepest need of Venus in Scorpio and I was trying to see through the eyes of all the people I know with this trait, judging if it can be applied to all of them.

“Never let me go” by Florence and the Machine, I loved the song when I discovered it and I tried to sing it to karaoke, I remember, in Scarabeo, when I was with my acting colleagues after a play… funny is that I can’t remember which play was, if it was ours or someone else’s… It was just few weeks before I left, I sang it there, they even let me try it two times in a row.

I don’t know how to read music.

I mean, I can identify the notes, one by one, as if they were letters, but I cannot put the word together, so I can only sing by how I hear it. I’m painfully aware that I don’t have, at least above average, a good voice, but I love to sing, I can’t help it. Is like, singing is the only way you kinda still feel sane, while actually talking to yourself.

I would give a lot to be able to sing properly, with passion, but this body is not helping me. And so far, this reality didn’t either.

With the years I learned, through a lot of practicing on my own, that I can sing series of notes that are not that easy to hit, from the superficial memory, and I am proud of myself each time I am nailing them.

But I’m usually lacking in focus and stamina to decompose a song, to identify each note and sing it properly head to tail. I’m sorry about this. And when I do have mood and energy to concentrate for more than 2 hours in a session, I lose my voice… It’s not easy.

A couple of days ago I had a flashback, out of a sudden, that I sang “I will come to you” by Hanson, in that night of February, in Mojo, 6 years ago.

6 years ago… !! I don’t know how I sang it then, I did have some alcohol on board, but I tried again to sing it, the way I remembered it, and I noticed I was so much off-key. And singing in public, especially with people I don’t know very well, is too painful. I’m that nervous, that every cell of my body hurts.

Today, in the taxi, while I was heading to the German class, I remembered how I was told to stop making people feel sorry for myself. Almost a decade ago.

Barely now I understood, I mean, what if feels like to feel sorry for someone, in that way. It requires you to be in a very good place in your life, to be able to identify that there is a significant difference in attitude and realistic life possibilities, between you and the person you would feel sorry for. And it’s also a mixture between “hope in the good of the universe” and selfishness.

But I think the responsibility stays more with the person who feels the sorry, than with the one for whom sorries are being felt.

I never intended to make anyone feel sorry for me. Because I didn’t know what that feels like, because I didn’t know what selfish feels like.

I am just depicting my life story, as I am seeing it, always believing that I’m as interesting as any other being on this planet.. Sometimes it makes you laugh, sometimes it makes you cry.

And I feel proud of it, even when there is nothing to feel proud about, because it is my life. My story. (Yes, I came to realize that I can get very self-centered at times and I don’t even feel sorry for this.)

Nobody can express exuberance 100% of the time, to inspire others in an instant, one by one, like in a factory line. And one that would do this, would be automatically regarded as fake or extremely superficial.

And peacefulness, it cannot be written, it can only be read. The peace, that is received from the text, is always in the reader, not in the writer. The writer is just a mirror.

Now back to singing. I mean listening. And imagining me singing it. “It’s everything you wanted / It’s everything you don’t / It’s one door swinging open / And one door swinging closed.”

This is one of those intensely emotional blog posts that I would end with “I love you”. But not anymore, at least not this time. Because you don’t need my love anymore. But I need yours. Just so I can reject it. With all my heart!

My phone battery is running low (11%) and I’m too lazy to plug it in. And if I think about it, I need to use the lady’s room also. Badly. I had too much water after that quesadilla. And a huge cup of green tea.

00:00 Cool! Now you have my permission to feel sorry for myself yourself.

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