Or “when you discover the stories on your blog have more substance and are more captivating than the book you started 1 month ago and are struggling to finish”.
But that’s ok, each human needs a certain amount of love and when this amount is not received in enough quantity from the exterior they start producing it in the interior. #self-love 😀
January 22nd, 2016. They just moved me from intensive care to.. regular care. I was still having perfusion on my right arm and the blood transfusion IV from the left arm was almost done. It was the hardest night of my life so far. My stomach was hurting, I was probably hungry, I was still in shock after the accident, now also scared because I couldn’t fall asleep and I was feeling so lonely.
My left leg was getting numb all the time and I was having to grab it with both arms, literally pulling it up by the flesh. I couldn’t fall asleep all night, I was looking at the wall clock in front of me and beginning for the hours to pass faster.
Midnight.. 1.. 2.. My stomach pain became so hard it was almost making me cry with every breath.
I called the nurse and she brought me an anti-acid. Didn’t help, of course. I really don’t know how I managed to survive until 6 am when I started hearing voices on the corridor. They came to wake us up, bringing hot water to wash our faces and brush our teeth.
I got scared when I realized I have blood on the sheet next to my head and on the left sleeve of the hospital gown. I called the nurse and then we noticed the IV that was used for the blood transfusion moved a bit, probably in a short moment when I did fall asleep, and there was room next to that little hose, stuck in the vein, for the blood to leak out.
There was a nice young nurse, all dressed in white, which didn’t speak English, but she was fluent in German and we agreed like this. “Guten Morgen. Sie sind schmutzig!”, she was telling me, after lifting up my blanket, while she was grabbing that special spray and a huge hot paper towel and carefully wiping the blood from the area between my legs, around my catheter.
No, unfortunately it was not a nightmare or a movie, it was real. That exclusively_lying_on_my_back_in_bed was my reality for 10 straight weeks. Whom to blame for that? Well no one in particular, or just me alone, maybe karma..
Fortunately, after one week, after they removed the catheter, I got able enough to clean myself alone, all my parts, and the constant pain from my broken pelvis, which was increasing each time I had to use the bedpan, started to fade away. And 2 years later I’m still pretty much alive and kicking, I just remembered this today and felt the need to share it.. because my right knee pissed me off again, was in elastic wrap all day and now in bed with one pillow under it, seriously thinking to request an x-ray, hope it is nothing serious.
Anyway, about the sapphires. Because the dream I had that time was too intense and it made me feel so good when I woke up, I decided to keep it longer for myself and consume from it all the syrup before sharing it with the world.
We were in some kind of outdoor classroom, he was sitting in the bench in front of me, on the left seat and we were smiling at each other and talking on the diagonal.
They were bringing us stuff on the tables to examine, first there were some black carbon balls, then there were some pretzels, then some blue-ish crystals, we knew they supposed to be sapphires but they could be easily scratched with the nail, so they were more like mica.
At one point I realized things are shifting too much, in a surreal rhythm, so it must be a dream. I looked at him and asked him what are we doing there, our school years are long gone, let’s go do something more age appropriate, as we always do in all dreams… eventually.
Then, some bad character came out of nowhere, from my right side, and hit me over my nose with a finger, like a gesture of mocking me. I got furious and with all my strength I grabbed the margin of the bench and hit him with all my force, with my right foot, straight into his stomach, while shouting at him to fuck off and go to hell.
I didn’t know I have that much anger piled up in me, my reaction caught me by surprise. And then this black-dressed creature leaned forward and raised his arms probably with the intention of beating the crap out of me, when he jumped from his bench and stood up in front of the creature, with his chest wide open, with the head leaning back, relaxed, yet while tensing his fists, as if “If you have something with her I invite you to pass through me first!”.
So the creature instantly calmed down and walked away without even looking at me again, didn’t even touch him.
Nobody ever defended me like this. I mean, nobody ever came to mock me, out of the blue either, but I mean in general, protection of any type of abuse, especially those that only my subconscious still remembers. You have no idea how good it made me feel, I was in clouds for a straight week.
I know it was a dream, of course, but the new feeling I had the chance to experience, was completely new and it felt amazing.
I had found a genuine source of strength, in my subconscious. I should never feel scared or weak anymore, there is always my dream alter-ego, ready to jump to defend me, anytime I need it.
And then they tell me I live too much in my own head, in a fantasy world, and I’m not grounded in this reality.
It’s ok, I think I’m grounded just enough to live independently yet able to still feed my soul with the celestial beauty, with which most humans are, unfortunately, simply incompatible.