I found this in a learning board at work, few days ago, it got stuck in my head and I’ve been dreaming about writing a blog post about it.
And, before getting there, I have to confess something that I discovered about me a couple of weeks ago… I have to come out with it. I have never considered that, I mean, I don’t remember anyone calling me that.. ever.. but yeah.. feelings happen… and they make you wonder… and re-think everything you knew about yourself until then… and sometimes you cannot control them..
I have a narcissistic ego! Pheww! I said it. Feel so much better now.
So you see, my dear reader, I’m not a narcissist! Because I identify myself with my Soul. Only my Ego is that. Unfortunately, the ego is bound to this planet.. <avoiding If-Clause Type III here>.
My ego makes me feel so bad sometimes, because it never stops wanting what others have. It got me sick for a whole week, after something, someone dear to me, achieved. Before me. Someone I wasn’t seeing with indifference, for a long while now. That’s why it hurt so bad.
Let me explain, please. I was expecting it, I saw it in the planets (yeah, I probably know a lot more than you think, about you, thanks to them) but I wasn’t expecting for that to happen so soon. That’s why it got me sick.. I thought we are in a tandem. I wasn’t feeling ready even to dream about achieving that for myself, because I learned you have to work very hard for it.. for years in a row. Because I learned that the system doesn’t move that fast.
But then you notice, someone else comes, achieves it and makes it appear so easy. Like it was a piece of (dark chocolate with vanilla ice-cream aside) cake. Because they didn’t have the experience of living with that hard system, that now I have to un-learn and dare to dream more for myself.
Ok, about anxiety. Or depression. Or both. I don’t consider I have a mental illness, because I don’t feel them like an impairment.. like an obstacle standing in my way of achieving my dreams. I consider them traits of being human. I am aware of them, I felt them and I learned how to find my way around them. Ohh.. So much I could write about this!
What I can say for now – how I understand it – anxiety is a small wound that you are born with… something rooted in your aura. And, depending on the environment in your childhood, this wound can heal or it can open up and become bigger and bigger. And the bigger is this wound, the easier you attract the negative energy, that makes it even bigger. YOU attract the psychological abuse… very painful to acknowledge, but it’s as simple as that.
Anyway, in my first session of psychotherapy (in CZ is for free, even in English, in this average city), around September last year, I was told I need to learn how to take my time and appreciate myself for my achievements, especially for learning how to live with anxiety. Literally, to embrace myself and congratulate myself. I found this so weird and ridiculous. I felt that, if the others don’t see this about me and if THEY don’t do it, it’s because I probably don’t deserve it. That, if I do it myself it would be… I don’t know.. some other dimension of mental illness, that I haven’t discovered yet. See how hard it is, now? What I have to live with? This over-dimensioned Ego of mine? It’s simply never satisfied.
But yeah, she was right. I have to congratulate myself, even if nobody else does it, and especially that’s why, because I probably do the job so good that they don’t even see what I’m fighting with. They are not me, they don’t see what I see… they don’t feel what I feel every day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I’m just stating the facts.
And yes, I am aware there are others who have it much more intense. And yes, I also can’t see what you see and what you feel, every day. (It might happen sometimes, with some people more than with other people.. and then you discover a dedication to someone who is not you and you suddenly realize you went too far in your connectedness reverie.. again).
Christina’s recent vlog… Left me thinking. I’m sure she meant it as a joke, but there is something extraordinary about it, maybe there are others who do think it, not in a joke! She is amazing – I hope I’m not seeing her like this, with pink-colored glasses, just because of the position of her Juno. I first wrote a comment there, but then I realized it was probably not the right place to talk about me, so I deleted it.
Yes. People DO exist, even after moving in a country where they don’t speak the language. How? They speak in English. 😀 Or German. Or Spanish. Or Romanian (with other romanians). Or they just don’t speak at all.
I lived for the first 5 months in a shared flat with 2 Russian girls and one cat. One of the girls didn’t speak anything besides Russian and Czech. And the words I knew in Russian, at that time (surprisingly more than in Czech), were less than the number of my fingers.
You don’t need to speak the local language in order to breathe, to take a walk in the park and take pictures or to do groceries in a hypermarket. Especially to eat in any of the international fast-food chains, where the menu is in English. And then you slowly learn… day by day. You even sign up for classes of Acting in English. 🙂 And then you start living with someone and you get used to speaking Czech-lish when you suddenly wake up in the middle of the night after a bad dream . 😀
I didn’t realize how much of a big deal it is, what I achieved for the past (almost) 6 years, until this vlog. And I understood not to compare myself and my achievements with someone else’s. Because it’s not a fair comparison.
What I find it interesting is that I can speak in Czech so much better with the children. Because they don’t hold any preconceptions about me, they see me as I am and they don’t see I’m different, for being an immigrant. (I find it so weird to use this word).
You know what’s also hard with this Ego of mine? It hurts me when I see someone is evolving faster than I am. It hurts me when I see someone singing better. Or speaking and writing better in English. Or losing weight faster & better. Or working more efficient with Excel. Or playing better ping-pong. Or conceiving and having a baby before I can… Ok, we’re getting into shaky grounds, I stop it here.
So.. it hurts me when I see specialists rising around me, because I wanna specialise also. But in Everything. All of the above. (Ok, except of the ping-pong thing.. but who knows). And working with so many things simultaneously takes much more time. It hurts me when I realize I cannot keep up with everyone, especially with the ones I feel for.. because that means I have to let them go.
Lucky I haven’t found anyone around me who knows (and works with) astrology better than I do. I would literally implode. Ok, my EGO would. It would rip the space-time continuum. 😀 Interesting…
“One more layer down”. Would be the title of my – what number was it? 4th? 5th? – Book. I wonder if I will have lives enough to write them all… considering I’m barely drafting my first, for almost 8 years now.
I promise I will write a blog post, sometime in the future, also about Sun conjunct Chiron. Enough is enough about Moon.