When you have enough…

This afternoon I had dinner at Olesna and then I started a small walk with Bonnie… into the nothingness. I was not sure I want to have a whole round but I didn’t know what else to do. If it were to go home I would probably take my laptop and keep working… But I’m doing my best to not leave my passion for work turn into an obsession. I said I’m trying.

Then, I saw a family that looked perfect, the dad, the mom and 3 blonde kids under 6, all on skates and in perfect fitness shape. Especially the mom. Too much in shape after giving birth to 3. I shocked myself with the kind of thoughts that rose in my mind. Then it came to me the idea of heading back and buy a desert… to drown my misery. There was a young boy to whom I tried to say my order. I barely told him the table number and he showed signs that he didn’t understand what I wanted. I asked for a desert and water with lemon. With a blunt face he says card is not accepted. Irritated, I ask Why? I was here before, today and it was.. I tried to tell him. Then the lady who took my order before came and asked if I want anything else and I said No and then she gave me the receipt.

And barely then I remembered, card is accepted only for purchase over 200 crowns. Which is not a fair thing, considering I always come here with the meal vouchers card, that should be accepted anywhere, no matter how small the amount. Imagine wanting to come for lunch everyday, 200 crows per day, I would spend all my month’s credit in 8 days. 😦

Anyway… I wouldn’t have succeeded to achieve what I achieved so far without my boyfriend. Most of the times when we are both together he is my personal translator. But not just this. He is also my personal driver, my personal taxi orderer – when he is not home and I have to go to the city – , my personal doctor appointments organiser. Even while I was in RO recently I couldn’t have done what I wanted without calling him two times for help.

Except from my work – which is just as demanding as my career level describes it, but sometimes I’m stressing myself with no reason – life here is very peaceful. I’m counting now the days until my vacation starting next weekend. Can hardly wait.

I’m also counting the days until my Aunt Flo will have the decency to show up. Like I’m in a limbo.. And I’ve tested like addicted, almost every day for the past three weeks, I could even say I had all necessary symptoms, yet not even the faintest 2nd line showed up. I even discovered reading some forums that this is a real recognised addiction for women desperately wanting to conceive.

And this is how, slowly, the subjects in my blog will start to incorporate namings like AF, POAS.. I think PCOS I even wrote at some point, when I was too happy for getting my first BFP which actually turned to be just a chemical, which required D&C.

I mean, from one point ahead, one realizes that we work so that we can buy what we need to live, we don’t live so that we can buy more and more time to work.. and then we end up after 35 realising that we need to spend on fertility investigations significantly more than all the OT pay we had in our life. I didn’t have to pay anything yet, so far everything I needed was covered by the insurance. But if I don’t get a very BFP until I turn 35, I really might have to.

PS… Please stop trying to say to a person familiar with anxiety to relax. They will not understand what you mean. My only time when I am truly relaxed, probably, is in my dreams, when I’m flying, levitating… So, as long as gravity prevents me from doing this also while awaken, I just can’t relax. Never. Let’s see who wins, me or relaxation. Now I’m scared I might give diabetes to relaxation.

Heading back home and taking it as a personal challenge to not touch the work laptop until Monday at 8 AM. (I have discovered a new series on Netflix – Good Girls – a female version of Breaking Bad.)

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