Here we go again

This morning I woke up too early. I mean, at 7:30ish.. But I felt I didn’t get enough sleep. And Bonnie was begging at the door, he wanted out and then I couldn’t fall sleep again. Yesterday morning he left us some presents, two piles of number 2 and one pond of number 1 next to the tub.. Probably as protest, because we didn’t allow him upstairs for the night.

So… I already started testing… Yeah, me = anxious person, prone to developing obsessions. I had a 25 mIU/mL box left from last month, bought it from D&M from Brno in my way from RO… I noticed the strip was wider than usual so I cut it in two :D.. Now I have 4 test strips at the price of 2. Yes, I took the addiction to a whole new level.

Anyway, there was no shade of a 2nd line, not even under microscope. X. Infrared. Gamma rays. Joking. But I did keep it for 2h before throwing it, hoping at least to see a lousy evaporation line. Nothing.

Anyway.. Today I’m going to Dr Max and I’ll buy 5 boxes of their branded ones, 49 czk for pack of 2 with 10 mIU sensitivity. The advantage is I can buy them with Flexi points. But I started to feel awkward so I’m always checking to see if it’s the same lady as last time.

In RO they were also asking me questions.. Gossip much? Do I look like a scared teenager? They were looking weird at me when I was asking which is the sensitivity of the test. I haven’t seen on any lousy test to be written on the box.. I mean, people.. This is basic info, it should be mandatory to be written with big font on each box. So I had to search online for the brand and type. Still.. I found them in supermarket two times cheaper than in the pharmacy.

So, the 10 mIU are much better for the early detection, theoretically they can show it 3 days before the 25 mIU ones. I’m taking the challenge, I wonder if I can cut these also in halves . :)) Actually, not much funny. But, considering how much money I spent last month while in RO, I realized my addiction is competing with a severe smoker’s addiction, cost related.

Can you imagine I bought a pack of 2 plastic covered ones from Viena’s airport with 16 eur? I don’t understand the plastic covered ones. Even the digital ones… Not much eco-friendly. In the end the test itself is just that little band strip, which probably costs less than 10% the carton box itself. Including the instructions.

I think they should sell cheaper versions for advanced users. A pack of 20ish stripes in a vacuum transparent bag and that’s it. We know the drill. Wait, maybe they can be bought online.

A.. And yes.. I’m not the only one addicted to this. Just search online “BFP evolution 9 DPO” and you’ll see how many plastic ones have been killed in the process. Yes, 7 DPO is a bit early to start testing but can still show | | when starting HCG is higher, like for multiple,  for example.

Yes, I know I have a problem. Perhaps even more than one. I admit it. But show me at least one person in this decade and this society who has none… C’mon… And I’m almost 35. Some might even say I should’ve started much earlier with this. Like, a decade ago. But back then I had other problems, like finding a decent job… Yeah.. We wanted equality. 😦

And now, if you survived reading until here, I will share something from my dreams. Two nights ago I dreamed I was about to enter some audition for a role, but I couldn’t learn the lines. I was not able to memorize them.. And I was feeling so bad, knowing that he will take the part, as he always does, and we will be separated. And then he started to look nervous and I offered him my hand for support and he took it.

And last night I dreamed I was already in a play, I had my role, it had no words, I was a background character which only had to write some math equations on a big board. But the scene lasted for like 2-3 hours. In the end I started doodling some landscape.. And then I was preparing to color it. At one point he came to me next to the board, our lips touched and.. Cut!! Perfect scene. 😀

Wait wait. Something else I just remembered. I was in the old kitchen from my grandparents, a room where I spent most of my early childhood, that doesn’t exist anymore, but I often dream about it. And there were some coins just floating in the air. 3 or 4, I spotted them. They were czech crowns coins of different values. And then something happened and they all dropped very fast, almost glueing to the floor, but they were much more now, as if they entered from a different dimension and gravity just discovered them. I was picking them up, collecting them in my fist, the majority were 1 or 2 czk but I found also few of 5 and even 10. When I had my fists full I must’ve woken up.

It’s barely 10 am now 😦 I’m still lingering in bed, and now I have to pee. Badly. But I want to write something else. Tomorrow I have to travel to Prague for a team meet&dinner and I have this anxiety that what if this transit will hinder the implantation process.

I’m not even running anymore because I’m scared. Or jumping. Or sudden movements or lifting heavy stuff. I only do some light biking from time to time. Or a lot of walking, if I’m travelling. Yeah, you cannot convince me that I’m worried for nothing. Especially after I lost one already, when the first test I took, 3 days after missing the period, was already very much positive… I want this time to have more time to enjoy it. That time I even crochetted a pair of small new born shoes, vanilla color cotton thread, when I started to feel it’s not evolving as it should, hoping to “convince” it to stay. I still have them in a box. Somewhere.

And regarding alcohol… Yesterday I was in the mood for some wine and I had a small glass of white one with the lunch. I even tested before, to be sure. But tomorrow night I might have to drink at least a cup, along with the team and I feel uncomfortable, in case I need to come up with explanations while I prefer to avoid it. Will see… How tomorrow morning’s test will look like. And how I will feel when I wake up, at 5 AM, considering that even now I still feel drowsy, after coffee and breakfast. Which makes me think.. I’m hungry again. Maybe there is also some coffee left… my ears are still ringing, probably I have very low blood pressure this morning.

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