I don’t know exactly how I came to watching a YouTube video about tantrums. 😦 It left me severely disturbed. I believe more than 75% of the teachings on “how to deal with a tantrum” are wrong and stupid.
My mom used to say to me that I was throwing impossible tantrums each time we would end up into the neighborhood toys store.
Mind you, during the communism time, late ’80ies and even a lot from the ’90ies, in my neighborhood there was only one single store which had books, school supplies and toys. And by toys I mean a couple of naked baby dolls, some tiny cars and some building blocks. And each time there was new merchandise I was wanting it and screaming my lungs out until I was getting it.
But it was never about the toys. No tantrum is ever about the object itself, the object is just the excuse to finally express the disappointment. When a child throws a tantrum is because he/she is overwhelmed by emotions and feels completely disconnected from the parent and maybe from the reality itself. Next time just imagine him/her crying and screaming this “Help me, help me! Help me calm down, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to react like this either, hitting the floor with my fists and legs hurts me and I’m very scared of this. I’m so freaking scared and You slap me and spank me and scream at me to shut up? because I’m disturbing or embarrassing you?? This is what I am in your life? A disturbance??”
And yes. They will hate you with all their guts in those situations. Oh, and in so many others. They will hate you because you can’t deal with it. Mostly because you cannot deal with yourself. And you will have to accept it and learn from it. Because you are obviously too weak to help them go through that and land them safely at the other end of the tantrum. You obviously forgot how it was to be a baby and a child yourself. You learned that life is never fair, it is cruel and unmercifully and this is the only way you know how to treat others, smaller than you. How would you expect him/her to listen to you and to trust you with their care and life itself, if you appear so disturbed by a tiny lousy tantrum? What it can really do to you?
And something else I believe, a tantrum happens loooong time before it really happens. Babies have a very small tolerance to frustration, but they do have a very small tolerance to frustration. Yes. I wrote it right. So you can start working on increasing that very small tolerance from the first days. Leave them be as independent and in control as possible. And so many things are possible.
For example, my plan is to let the baby eat by himself right from the time I will start diversification. So what if he cannot hold the spoon? No problem, he can eat with the hand and the fingers from his food bowl, until the tiny muscles will be strong enough to hold a spoon properly.
I will never run with the spoon full of food after the baby or playing tricks to make him eat. And I will always show them and tell them what the food contains. I will show them the raw product that was cooked to make their puree. And I will eat the same thing along with them.
As he knows how to suck milk from the breast, from the first hour of life, he will definitely know at 6ish months old how to bring the food with the tiny fingers, put it in the mouth, taste it and swallow it. It’s basically what they do every time anyway.
And at one year old a baby can very well eat by himself, with the spoon, and have also table manners. Yes, I’ve seen them. Live. They are even capable of wiping their mouth and the table in case they dropped a bit, you only have to lean them a napkin.
You don’t even have to tell them what to do with it. They have eyes. Would you believe it? They had eyes since the day they were born. They saw everything. Ok, on a very small distance at first, but enough to see you how you eat, for example. And nobody was feeding you with a spoon, you were feeding yourself.
Now, back to the tantrums. So, when a child makes a tantrum they are already far over their comfort line. They feel severely ignored, disconnected and completely not loved. They feel you don’t care about them and about what they feel and what they think they need. They feel how the persons that suppose to help them understand life they are only controlling them, disturbing them, hindering their autonomy, instead of actually helping them. And on top of that, adding also stupid and unnecessary rules, under the pretense of disciplining, just to inflate their egos and make them feel they are the boss.
And by the way, parent, if you ever got to the point of telling to your child “I made you, I kill you!” you should very slowly pack your stuff, leave the baby in the care of another adult or take him with you and present yourself urgently to the first psychiatry guard. Yes. You are fired from parenting. You are now in probation and you need to undergo a serious long-term training. From this point on you lost the connection you had to your child. If they will ever find you excuses and forgive you, be sure they will never ever forget what you said.
Discipline what?? What you destroyed by your own single self?
Yes, there are relationships and relationships, some babies and parents have a smoother connection, others have a more rigid connection.
Astrology? Yes. This is what I believe. Astrology can give you hints where to start working, if you have not a very smooth connection to your baby. It’s pretty simple actually. But you first need to be open-minded enough to believe in it. It’s not necessary about the fact that it’s real or not, it’s about the fact if you believe it or not. And by Astrology I don’t mean the Horoscope from the magazines or a simple comparison of the Sun Sign. I mean detailed Synastry, Composite and Transit charts.
And by then you will discover way so many other things about life and about yourself, that nobody ever told you.
A baby is not a monster, a baby is not a creature always searching for ways to piss you off. They don’t behave badly just for the sake of behaving badly. Yes, they test the limits, but when they end up testing a certain limit, it’s when you have to question yourself also, if that limit is still realistic or has outgrown its purpose.
When they appear angry and uncooperative is because something is disturbing them, something is making them uncomfortable, in that present moment. Most of the times they are tired, hungry, wet, hot or cold. Is just that simple.
Oh, and they feeeeel you big time!!
They just want to live their life in peace.
Your job as a parent is to calmly and confidently guide them how to do it, not to discipline them. Especially not to give them “time-out”.
Time-out from what?? YOU?? Do you realize what you mean by this? Do you realize that by this you accept YOU are a danger to your child, right?
Yes, you may not always feel confident, in which case you have to admit it. And ask for help. Don’t play brave and spill out unreal things or lies if they ask you something. They also need to understand that nobody has the duty to know everything.
Yes, I’m not a parent yet. But I was a child. And I grew up with other children I am now a pretty independent grown up and I had the luck of years and years of peaceful life, after I left the nest, to meditate about myself and about the purpose of life.
I haven’t found yet the absolute purpose of life, but I discovered this: what every sane person wants in this life is to live it in peace. As much peace as possible. Pretty much without words, if possible.
Can you imagine a world in which no parent is ever talking down to, screaming to or even worse – spanking – a child, instead they are just showing them what to do and how to react emotionally sane, every single day of their life?
Oh it may sound so complicated. But it’s not, really.
You just have to be emotionally sane yourself and live your life in peace. And your children will gladly follow. 🙂
My mom was also complaining that she will not buy me anything because I was breaking apart each toy. I would say she should have felt happy that I was a very curious child, easily bored with playing with the same toys everyday, which shows great creativity, intelligence and not enough mental stimulation as per the actual capability.
Yes, sometimes the kids might come out smarter than you and able to figure out every trick or stunt that you are trying to pull. This doesn’t give you the right to bully them and shame them down, it should only give you the hint that they are now ready to receive more independence and more responsibilities. And yes, I believe you should talk to a baby as you would talk to an adult, if you want them to grow up to be an adult themselves and not helpless babies full of frustrations, depression or anxiety disorders.
Disclaimer: This post is not about my parent. It’s about me – the child. Take it as a guide called “What your child would want you to know”. Interesting, I just found the title for my 6th book.