About horses, auctioning yourself and never-ending beards

Few months ago I joined a motherhood group on Facebook called “La primul bebe” (“At the first baby”). I found so many useful things only by reading the questions and the responses of the mommies in the group.

One thing that left me disturbed, not only on this group, also from other online places I read stuff, was about breastfeeding. I read thousand of comments that say it’s impossible to not have enough milk to satisfy your baby’s needs and is a nonsense to say that your milk is not nutritious enough for your growing baby. So many mommies being against adding one-two formula meals, aside from breast milk. I actually ended up believing it also and I was so convinced I will breastfeed exclusively until 6 months and on-demand until at least 2 years old.

Until I read a question from a mom that was so desperate because her baby was not sleeping anymore through the night, she was waking up every 1h asking for breast and she was never completely satisfied, moaning and twisting and even biting her. She was asking about a proper way to start complementing with formula and which dosage and brand is the best. She mentioned she cannot take it anymore, she is unslept for weeks. Even that she had wounds in one boob, so big that the flesh is falling from them. It creeped me out.

But no, you know what creeped me out? The passion with which the other mommies were advising her to hang in there and that breastfeeding is hard and they all survived it, what did she expect?! Nobody was seeing the obvious: the mom was desperate. She had way crossed the line from sacrificing your needs for your baby to literally torturing yourself. Nobody was showing any empathy towards the mother. I understand you are the mommy and you have to provide for your baby 24/7 but offering yourself on a plate for your baby to eat you alive is a bit too much.

That’s when it hit me. It’s a complete jungle out-there. They are ferociously competing for the title “the most sacrificing mother of the year”. I don’t understand this.

You know, in airplanes, in case of cabin depressurization, they tell you to put your oxygen mask first and then put it on your baby. Because the baby cannot save you and cannot save himself alone either. This is what some “modern mommies” don’t seem to understand. It’s much worse than in the previous century, back then women had only to care about the kids and the household. And be available for when the husband has “needs”. Now they must have jobs also. A modern-day woman is working 2-3 times more than a man. And they are not even allowed to complain! 😐

I’m not like this. I care about my own sanity. I am searching for peace and comfort at all times. Yes, I’m also lazy sometimes, I don’t like to do things that are not really necessary at that respective time, especially when someone is stressing me.

I care about my children’s sanity. I know what it means to be raised by a mom that constantly screams and is constantly running from one place to another trying to do as many chores as possible in her time at home, after a full-time job, until my dad comes home, never having enough time for me and for my emotional needs.

And I definitely don’t want to end up like this, due to stress, over the years. She was constantly stressing me out. Ok, she is the best cook I know and I can say our house was always clean. But I lived all my childhood and teenage years in a constant anxiety. I can find excuses, I can bring myself at peace, but I needed a lot of years to quietly meditate about my childhood drama. And I didn’t die out of hunger nor from living in misery, as I was always threatened as a child.

No, children do not forgive, they choose to forget, at first, for protecting their sanity. Until they simply cannot forget anymore. And they end up having a complete mental meltdown, sometime around the mid-twenties, when they realize they are not emotionally prepared for successfully living on their own, under those high standards in which they were raised.

So… I value emotional and mental sanity the most and this will be my main focus with my child. I don’t want them to fear me. Kids – and humans in general – do incredible stupid things out of fear. I want my child to understand that is important for their current and future wellbeing, to do the things that they have to do and not do them in order to please their parents or because they fear them.

What if there is a spider in that corner on the ceiling, where I cannot reach with the vacuum cleaner? He is a creature also, we will all live in peace. 😀 And a bit of dust or dog hair didn’t kill anyone. (Unless they are allergic, but that’s a different topic). I will do my best to breastfeed exclusively until 6 months, if no medical issues appear that might prevent me from doing this. But at the 3rd sign of baby biting me until the blood starts running, I’m done! See, I’m planning to survive 2 times, everybody makes mistakes, even infants. 😀

But at the 3rd strike, that’s it! My boobs will be closed for business. Whether if she is 3, 5, 10 or 15 months old. The Earth is now full of formula milk and thankfully I’m not in my young twenties anymore, I think I can afford to feed her “chemical milk”. Hilarious, dudes: water itself is a chemical! We ourselves are chemicals. Organic and complex, but still chemicals. Btw, there are much more dangerous chemicals in simple tap water, than in the formula specially designed for infants.

And something else: apparently there is a new study now, saying that infants can be intoxicated if you feed them water. That’s why you should not give them water or “god forbids” herbal tea or juices, until 6 months old. I get the explanation that tea contains over-stimulating substances, juices contain too much sugar and water just fills their stomach without bringing any nutrients, which may lead to anemia, due to dehydration, in the long run, but saying you can intoxicate them with clear water sounds a bit extreme. Ok ok, I can get drunk myself only from a big glass of cold water, but still 😀

Yeah.. And about starting solids. I don’t see the logic of starting solids earlier than when the baby can support herself properly sitting on her bottom. Or feeding them fruits for breakfast. I don’t get this. I’m not eating fruits for breakfast, except bananas and avocado. But these are not entering in the category of fruits, given the “chemicals” they are made from. I think a proper food for breakfast is any combination of protein and complex carbs. Also with full fats. Fruits, as snacks, 2h before lunch or 2h before dinner. And I’m thinking to start with cooked veggies for lunch.

So yeah.. Have to stop it here, for today, Leo is having a cold and he just came up, snuggling next to me in bed. So we may say I already have a baby to care for… Maybe make him a tea or something before he starts asking that he wants to “breastfeed”. And now I realize I didn’t write about any of the topics from the title. 😀

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5 thoughts on “About horses, auctioning yourself and never-ending beards

  1. gainile

    Absolutely true. A child is truly happy if they have happy parents, everything else comes second (cleaning, cooking, whatever, those are just details). You got that part right. I don’t sacrifice my life for my children, I teach them I matter as much as they do.
    The only things you don’t know yet (but you will soon) are:
    1. The devouring love you will feel for your child after they are born. This does not compare with any love you have felt for any other child in your family or friend entourage. It consumes you and makes you do crazy things.
    2. The fact the kids come in this world wired with a mind of their own, so you will have to get creative trying to make your needs meet theirs. If breastmilk is the only thing they will accept (my daughter was like this for example, she has never in her life drink any formula, she wanted nothing to do with a bottle), you will try to make it work somehow.
    3. In the first days/weeks/months after the child is born and you adjust to this brand new life you will be so tired, and I mean SO TIRED, the gulag will seem like a joke. And you will do anything for 3 1/2 minutes of just closing your eyes, anywhere, anytime.
    But everything else, follow your gut, it is telling you the right things. You come first, take good care of you, then your child will follow 🙂 And be careful of mom groups, there is no harsher person to judge and condemn a mom than another mom 🙂
    Good luck!

    Reply
    1. Stefania Post author

      You are so nice! I appreciate your comments very much and I don’t even know you. Or do I? 😀

      Yeah.. I’m aware that my life will change completely, luckily I don’t have to respond/report to anybody else about my educating methods as long as I manage to keep baby sane and happy. I am counting a very great deal on empathy and telepathy to know what the baby wants. And on my mom’s cooking, at least for the first month.

      Regarding the feeling of love, unfortunately it’s not mandatory for everyone, a lot of mothers feel disconnected with their babies. Or better connected with one child or other..

      All consuming love is also bad.. and I’m prone to developing obsessions, so I need to learn from the start how to keep time for myself also.
      Btw, after a call I had with my mom last night I noticed I might’ve bought already too many onesies up to 1 or up to 3 months. I was surprised to learn that babies should gain 1k/month for the first 3 months, it’s hard to imagine the industrial quantity of breastmilk they need to achieve this.

      So yeah.. I just entered my 21st week, for now I’m trying to identify if what I feel in my belly is the baby or just my lunch. 😀 I’m sure I will learn much more things until the D day.

  2. gainile

    If you’re very aware of your body, I am pretty sure it’s the baby kicking, not the lunch 🙂 (had the same experience). Keep your eyes and mind open. And don’t worry about too many onesies, they get a whole lot of them dirty in a day, at least in the beginning. You can fine tune your needs with the next onesies after the baby comes 🙂
    I love reading about your feelings as you go along the way, it takes me back before I had kids when I went through very similar ones, it’s fascinating to be back in that mindframe 🙂
    And you’re perfectly right, I am aware some mothers don’t feel that connection and it’s very SCARY. Because to me, that was the biggest surprise, I was ok with other people’s babies, from a distance, I didn’t particularly like any babies other than maybe in pictures, hahaha. But when my first kid came, I felt I was choking, for the first two years of his life he only slept in 40 minutes chunks but even then, I would wake up every few minutes just to look at him and marvel at this perfect little creation… Now they’re both preteens, getting into that obnoxious phase of thinking they’re smarter than their parents & such, I still look at them and think they’re absolutely perfect… 😛

    Reply

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