So, I’m in hospital again since Friday afternoon. Today is Tuesday. Why I am back here? Well.. on Friday when we went to our regular check the obgyn literally freaked out when she did the measurement of my cervix. I almost had a panic attack on that consultation chair when she mentioned hospital again. She said she cannot approve my dismissal, not in the condition that I was. So we should go back.
We went home, we packed again and off we went to Poruba. Hopefully the car was fixed – new battery. Here, when they measured the cervix, it was holding only on 3 mm. The rest of 2.5 cm was funneled. The doctor who did the check said that women in my condition still kept the pregnancy for up to 2 more months, so we might not deliver in the next 1-2 weeks, how long am I planning to stay in the hospital?
I found this very rude and I was just about to say some bad words.. Of course that’s the goal! Until 32-34 weeks the baby is not free from risk of long-term complications. I understand they brag with very good therapy services for babies born under 1 kg, but I refuse to have mine just another number in their statistics. The main goal is to keep the baby inside as long as possible.
So I said NO! I’m not going to keep being pushed around from one doctor to another (obgyn, hospitals, family doctor), kept on the roads in the middle of the winter, while still on antibiotics. So they finally agreed to keep me. Lower standard than the first time, I’m the 4th in a room designed for 3 women, but manageable.. still definitely better than when I stayed that long time after the accident. I have acquired very good patient skills. Besides, now I have no pains and I can also move around. And they have wi-fi. So yeah.. I mean, as long as I am in Illness leave at least they feed me. Not the ideal food, but still better and more diverse than I can cook myself alone at home. And there is also a supermarket and two coffee places, if I crave something else.
I’m afraid to go home. If it were just after me I would stay here until meeting 28 weeks. I think the time to play the Brave card has passed. Now it’s the most critical time. With each day inside the chances of having a strong and healthy baby increase significantly. It’s not just me that I need to be responsible for… So I have to sacrifice some other things. Like 40% of my daily salary.
The only thing that stresses me now is the work.. Because I didn’t have the time to train somebody else for my activities, so I’m still doing some of them myself. But overall they make the time pass faster and still keep me connected with a sane reality. I only do what I am in the mood to do in that moment, nobody can push me to do what I don’t want to do. So yeah… Some pros, some cons.
I sent a picture with my belly to one of my best friends and she commented that I look tired. I don’t look tired, I look unsatisfied – by life in general – and I look like I cannot allow myself to smile. I’m afraid that once I start smiling something / somebody will do something that is going to take it away. So I keep my smile on the inside.
I dreamed so many crazy things last night. I dreamed that 4 guys I know were claiming that they are the father of my baby. Including my brother. Ok, that was a sick dream. But yeah.. That’s another thing that needs to be solved and is stressing me, but I can’t solve it right now… Ok, it might have been also because I watched the latest episode of Outlander right before bed.. I’m very easily impressed. For the first time I’m starting to feel bad that I have not done the things in the right order.
So, dear baby girl Zubat.. Hang in there. The world outside is tough and complicated, still full of bureaucracy, so you need to be big and strong enough when you get out, to be able to fight it. 🙂