10 years challenge

In January 2009.

I was returning from my first attempt at emigration… in UK, that didn’t work out. I wrote about it before, there were more reasons why it didn’t work out, but the main one is that it was not my destiny… And I also had some things left behind, unsolved.

And then I found that job in the call center. It was very stressful, very little paid… but I had no other choice. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I was speaking in Spanish. And the name of the street… but that’s a different story.

I went a bit crazy in those years – 2007 to 2010. But I had to. I needed to explore all the corners of my craziness, in order to understand that there is nothing left in my subconscious, to be afraid of. In order to cure my anxiety.

For the second time, in August 2012, I knew what I needed to focus more on, to make it right. It was not easy, but this time I had around more people who helped me and believed it me. And maybe also my attitude helped: I knew 100% that I don’t have to what/whom to come back, so no matter how hard it was, I only looked forward. In the first 3 months I cried almost every day. But I never gave up.

Now back to 2009, it was such a dramatic year! I don’t know how I managed to survive all that emotional drama. So much synchronicity! So many times when I felt completely lost, while still in my own country. My heart was in so many places and neither one wanted me.

I remember, when I was finishing my work in the call center, I was getting out at the Piata Muncii metro station, I was sitting on those red benches and then I couldn’t move. I couldn’t find the willpower to go home.. At least, to where I was living then, in a rented room. I was wishing to be absorbed by them.. to just disappear. Looking back now, I can easily identify that emotion: despair.

Nobody wants to be around desperate people. But they are the ones that need help the most. I was clinging to everyone that was giving me a bit of attention.

Deep down I knew that everything is temporary, but I was feeling that everything is too much and too hard.  Oh.. But I survived in that deadly job until May 2010. You know, in call center the length is counted in months. I survived until something positive, completely unexpected happened, in March, when I realized that I don’t need to suffer anymore, because the things do “come back around”. Such a turning point. When I rediscovered hope to keep fighting for better for myself.

It took me until February 2011 to find a new job, that suited better on my level of education and on my competencies. And technically, I still hold that job, even if a different position, in a different country.. now paid 3 times more than when I started in that February.

Even if in this exact moment I’m writing from a hospital bed, I am at peace. I know what I will do from now on, no matter what will happen. And fear (anxiety) doesn’t have room anymore.

Yeah, so in December 2012 (technically), I met my Leo. My Zubaček. The daddy of my baby Zubat. It was not love at first sight. Which meant, it was not drama at first sight either. But it was respect and a feeling of peace, significantly better ingredients for a long-term relationship. We both knew ourselves enough to know what we wanted. We did share our part of drama, quite a lot of it, but it was coming from the outside of the relationship. We only had to hold on tight to each other and let all storms pass.

Just like this one. We hold on tightly, the 3 of us and let all bad Zubats fly away. Ok, 4 of us, don’t forget Bonnie.

Ok 5 of us, add also antenna. His life was simply not complete until he met (built) his radio antenna. 😀

So, hold on baby girl Zubat. I don’t know how the future looks in 2029, but I know that I will always do my best to be good mama Zubat for you. Kick once if you agree. Ok, you are sleeping, good, you need sleep to grow strong and healthy, you can kick later 😀

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