Anxiety attack(s)

I’m working at a new crocheted baby dress for the past two weeks. I did half of it and then undid it, then did it again differently, then undid the 2nd part and now the yarn ended in the middle of the row and it freaks me out because I hate it like this and I want to undo it again until it turns out perfect.

Last evening Leo went to sauna, as he does (almost) every Friday. And I remained home with a wounded Bonnie.. he sprained his paw again. They went to vet now.

Anyway, as I was browsing YouTube videos I saw a very young couple of vloggers preparing to buy stuff for baby arrival. She was 17, around 8th month pregnant, he was 18. And they went and they bought everything that I would buy for my baby, except I’m not yet sure she will really use them: play mat, swing, carousel for over the bed, fancy diapers disposal bin, bottles steriliser, stroller, fancy car seat, pacifiers, toys etc.

And they were saying they have no support from their parents, yet they afforded all of those and they live with rent. And then I saw another video of her emergency c-section (water broke and baby was breech), she was with a smile until her ears for the whole procedure. And then another video of them having the first bath with the newborn baby girl: decent bathroom (to not say, fancy), very nice baby tub with special support for newborns. They were smiling all the time and the baby didn’t show any sign of discomfort, as most babies do at their first bath(s). They really knew what they were doing, it was such a pleasure to watch.

And then it hit me: some anxiety feelings that I didn’t experience in a very very long time. I still have so many things to buy for the baby. There are still so many things that need to be fixed in the house before the baby comes. I can’t drive.. even if I wanted to, my driver’s licence is expired (I flew to RO last summer specially for this, but because very stupid beauracry I couldn’t renew it… That’s why I don’t live in Romania anymore.)

Besides, I’m technically still on bed rest. I would like to clean my dresser(s) and sort out the old clothes and throw them, in order to release the small one, to use it for babies clothes. I think I will slowly do this, over this weekend.

But you know what? My anxiety has really nothing to do with the baby. It has to do with the fact that I started my Maternity Leave. The idea of being “jobless” for the next 2 years apparently has a much more serious effect on me…

I was working for 8 years in this company. I had several transitions, but I held myself with my teeth on that job (a Romanian proverb). And now that I finished handing over all my work, I kinda feel useless. I know how hard it was for me in those two half-of-year times when I didn’t have a job, I always had the feeling that there is something wrong with me, that’s why I cannot find one. But, I mean, now, technically I’m still employed, is just that nobody needs me anymore. I wonder if all future moms felt like this at some point also. I’m anxiously expecting now my first pay of maternity allowance, that should happen around mid April. I wonder if the baby will be born by then. 😀

On Thursday, before signing off, I sent my “goodbye” email to all the people with whom I collaborated the most lately. I wrote that I started on Valentine’s Day in 2012 […] and it took me 8 years […] and now I’m starting my Maternity Leave. I checked it a million times before sending it to make sure I’m not doing any spelling mistake due to emotions. And, after I sent it, I discovered it.

2012+8=2020. So something doesn’t add up. Wait, do I really have 8 years? Maybe I have 7. But last time I checked there were 8.. I remember even LinkedIn said it, they sent me some celebrating notification. So where is the mistake?! F**k, I started in 2011. 😀 In 2012 I moved to Czech Republic. I felt completely incompetent. Even my cervix is doing a better job than me right now. I am sure probably nobody noticed, I mean, nobody cared to do the math. But it unsettled me. I am totally convinced I make much more mistakes (in English) due to lack of knowledge, but when I make one and then I realize I was wrong it’s so hard to forgive myself. Maybe I should work on this.. learning how to forgive myself more.

I’m not perfect. And I will never be. But I want to do so many things. And when I can’t do them, due to certain reasons, I feel like I’m falling apart. And I’m already taking maximum dose of Magnesium, to prevent pre-term contractions.. What else can I do to calm down and get out of this anxiety?

Yeah.. I’m not even starting with the worries regarding the birth. When it will happen and how it will be, I have no idea. I read articles online, with epidural, without epidural etc. I even found one vlog where some lady brags that she delivered naturally without epidural. That when you use epidural (or induction) is not called natural anymore…apparently it’s called “vaginal delivery”…

I mean, in my case, I don’t even know if I can deliver naturally, due to my previous pelvic fracture, if the baby will come at term (3.5 – 4 kg).. So now, with each week that is passing and she is still part of me, my anxiety grows even more, that I’m even considering to discuss a planned c-section. Sure, a lot of women will jump over me saying that c-section is not good for the baby, but they ignore the fact that the baby needs a healthy mom, physically and mentally. I know I have low tolerance to pain, my pulse raises too high and then I faint. It will be no help to anyone if I faint during labor or even worse, if my bone(s) break again due to the effort.

See? Life is not easy. I have some strawberries downstairs, I’m going to wash them and sprinkle some coffee creamer powder over them (I forgot to buy also liquid cream). And then Leo will come back and we go to DM and Pepco to do some small baby shopping.

Btw, dear baby Zubat, be strong until the end of March, don’t come while Mercury is Retrograde. I don’t know how to deal with a Mercury Retrograde native. 🙂 Cool – I just found something to study and keep my mind busy, after I come back with 3 more bags of diapers.

Thank you for your reading patience, don’t worry, I’m fine now. Leo helped me calm down last night when he came back from sauna.

Later edit: I discovered online that it’s a higher probability for the husband / male partner to faint during labor and delivery than for the woman, thanks to the excess of hormons that take over during labor. And since my Leo is trained with sauna and then he can jump in freezing water, I’m sure he will be fine. 😀

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