Existential crisis part II

Since Jupiter came back direct, few days ago, I’m finding myself more confused than ever. I’m “seeing” how my future would look like and I’m very unsure about some things. I don’t know anything about parenting, for example. Because parenting means properly raising your own child. And I have never raised my own child before, all I know is from what I didn’t like from how I was raised and from the stories about the experiences of other parents. And these circumstances will probably never happen again… so… going forward I can only patiently figure it out.

Regarding my study… I went one time through all the study material, some parts even more than one time and things I was sure I understood, two weeks ago, now I have to understand again, because I’m doing tests and I see I’m making mistakes. And 30% of the mistakes are “lack of focus” mistakes. And I don’t know what pains me more, the fact that I’m doing stupid mistakes or the fact that I’m finding stupid mistakes in the books. I gave up counting them when I got to twenty..

When I’m spending all my free time studying (and starting to hate it lately) I wonder why I even started it. Why I got into this maze… And is so hard. Is hard because I don’t know how to be a pass-grade student… And is hard when I’m coming back from the exam with a 55%, for example, knowing how much time I spent studying trying to understand everything. A 50% mark means something like “you barely understood”. I mean, the exam questions are very time-consuming and if you don’t have in your mind the map of what you have to do, instantly, when you read the question, if you have to think about what you have to do, you are lost. Also, even if I’m working in English for several years now, studying (and writing extensive comments over complex topics) in a language that is not my native one is hard. Is very energy consuming. And right now I’m failing to see the light at the end of this maze: is it really worth it?

I’m changing. With every day that passes, spending all my time with this little human, I’m changing. I’m seeing so many things from my life so differently right now. My expectations regarding my integrity and my morality have raised exponentially. And the guilt. Ooooohhh! The guilt! The constant stress: is she warm, is she cold, is she fed enough, is she comfortable enough, is that red-mark on her forehead a mosquito bite, a scratch or something else? She is expert at scratching her face. And I’m having so much stress cutting her nails, they grow so fast! You have to cut them two times a week… And I cannot cut more than two in one session.. Now she has a red dot on a finger also… If that is a mosquito bite I don’t know how she handles it. I had a bite last week on my arm and my body reacted as if it was a wasp bite. I put Fenistil and it got even worse. The other 5 bites that I accumulated in the same period on my legs didn’t get that bad. And yes, I know we have to put a net at the windows, because it was very hot and we slept with the bathroom window and the door open. And I killed more than 10 mosquitoes already, but sometimes they are too sneaky, I’m seeing them after they bit me.

Yeah.. And then we have to put fences at the stairs, for when she will start crawling. And some polyurethane on the marble floors downstairs. And protections at the cabinets corners… And the bathroom upstairs is still not finished. And her room is still not finished. So heah, God help us! I had to bring mom over to wash the windows and the drapes and clean all the dust and spider webs from all the corners. She even ironed the curtains before putting them back! She even made us berries jam. In the two weeks that she spent here she didn’t stay a bit!

I’m looking now at some spider web on the ceiling, here in the room, and it makes me even more depressed. It would take me literally 10 seconds to clean it. But today is Saint Mary, in my religion, you should not do any laundry or cleaning or working with tools. But I did a load of baby’s laundry anyway, otherwise all that regurgitated milk and pee accidents would start to stink. And, please forgive me, Saint Mary, but I’m going to clean that spider web right now! I will leave the carpets full of Bonnie’s hair for Leo to vacuum them tomorrow, first thing when he comes home..

So yeah.. I don’t know if this is post-partum depression, as I was having this feeling again before.. but something it is. I feel numb. Like a robot. But a stuck robot… With tears almost there to leak down on my cheeks.

And I will probably delete this blog post tomorrow. When more guilt will find me, regarding spelling mistakes that I made in it. I wonder how I became a perfectionist from a child that was always told that she is not good for anything… I’m sure I’m not good at everything, probably at things that I should be, but I’m definitely not “not good for anything”. So I beg you parents, I beg you in my knees, please don’t ever say this to your children! Yes, I am aware that such parents will not even see to read this.

Brb, I have a spider web to clean. Please forgive me, dear Virgin Mary. I’m going crazy if I don’t clean that now.

Oh.. And the hair!! As much I was bragging that it will not happen to me also, because I took expensive prenatal vitamins all pregnancy and after, I’m loosing my hair! I find them everywhere, including in her mouth and it her diaper. And they are getting under my glasses and make my eyes and my face itch. It makes me want to shave my head!

PS. For more perspective… Today I have Full Moon transit IC, also opposite Mars and Venus.

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1 thought on “Existential crisis part II

  1. gainile

    Still here, just didn’t have time to comment much 🙂 I had no idea how much hair you would lose after giving birth, so I actually shaved mine. The doctor was shocked when he saw me, I told him why and he apologized for missing to tell me that all that beautiful and luscious hair I got during pregnancy will go away after having the baby… After a while it will stabilize though. My mother in law is staying with us for a few months, every time I work on a holiday she tries to stop me, but I keep telling her God will forgive me for working 😉 I am sure of that!

    Reply

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