I’d wish to teach my daughter to never be afraid to be happy. Sometimes people will judge. Sometimes she will not be good enough in someone else’s eyes.
But, in the long run, the only thing that matters is the moment. The moment that is already gone. The moment when you were happy, imperfect, but the best version of yourself. If it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough. There will always be smarter, more beautiful or more talented people around you, but there will never be another you.
I’m also going to do my best to teach her how to respect someone else’s decisions, even if (especially if) this may come at odds with her wishes. Nobody taught me this, I had to learn it the hard way, when I finally understood that I simply don’t need to be accepted by everyone.
But maybe she will not have to go through the same things. I’m going to do my best to make her feel loved. I’m going to do my best to inspire her how to take care of her emotions, to treasure them, but not become their martyr. Even if times change, some things will never do: for a relationship to work it will still need (at least) two people to love each other.
I did some things in my life that I thought I forgot, because I believed they weren’t that much of a big deal. But lately they started haunting me, I can feel them somewhere in the back of my head. It’s one particular scene that makes me throw up each time I remember it. It’s about a line that I crossed. Don’t try to imagine the worst, objectively it was probably not that bad. But now, if someone else would do that to me, I could never forgive it.
There were a lot of them in that time, moments when I was literally playing with my limits to see what kind of emotions they cause me. Because I needed to learn how to understand my own emotions. So I will be able to justify it to myself, in case I would stop fighting for what I wanted. To recognize from when exactly it’s not worth it anymore. And when I finally understood it, it came the real challenge: to learn how to suffer. And to understand, once and for all, that you don’t always have to win.
Anyway… I’m approaching that time of the year when people count roses… I’m counting disappointments. No, I’m joking 😀
Now, on a not that much dramatic note: I had a moment of illumination today. I wonder what caused it, maybe I can recreate it. A moment when I understood something about my life. It started with the fact that, considering how many people didn’t like me, I wondered how come I still exist! 😀
I started to dream that I’m presenting my daughter to people from my past. So the 2nd part of the revelation was continuing this, on fast forward, one by one.
Last night I dreamed I had to get into an elevator. At one point it stopped moving and it looked as if the walls started to get closer and closer, to trap me inside, moment when I realized I’m dreaming and I told to myself: ok, let’s keep it realistic. And then I probably switched to a different dream scenery.
The underlying cause of that dream: I’m afraid of dying. No, I didn’t stress this enough. I’m terrified of dying!!! Few nights ago, I literally had a panic attack acknowledging that one day I will have to stop existing. I don’t believe in Hell, because its existence simply doesn’t make sense for me. I don’t know if this implies that I don’t believe in Heaven either, but I’m trying to find peace for my immortal soul. For now it feels like, if I will die, I will get into a place where is completely dark and silent and nothing for eternity.
Until, maybe, I will be born again?! Is my daughter still suffering over the people she let behind when she died?