Anybody (still) here?

If you don’t own a YouTube channel with at least 10.000 Subscribers or a Tik-Tok account with God knows how many are there, it’s like you don’t exist in the 2020ies. Or if you don’t have shares in Amazon, Google, Facebook etc preferably purchased at least 5 years ago…

Anyway… This week I learned something that shocked me… You know, in those times when I didn’t know if my baby will last inside of me until term or if I will get to raise a preemie, I got familiar with several YouTube channels of young/teen moms. There is Allie with Cartia, the couple from Australia with their amazing Penelope, Maddie who got pregnant at barely 14, Sophie who got twin boys in her last year of highschool and Cam&Fam. In the meanwhile Claire had a sister and is expecting another sibling, the Duggars had… I lost the count… grandchildren and expecting more.

Now… About Camryn from Cam&Fam. When I first found her she had just given birth to a 33 weeks old preemie. In the meanwhile she and baby’s dad got married and had a 2nd baby. About a month ago, the 19 years old husband, father of 2, hanged himself in the garage.

At first I didn’t know what to think about it… now I just blame the times. We are living some horrible times. We are at a point in the human evolution when we’ve gained so much awareness about mental illnesses (and gender dysphoria) and you have so many sources of information, yet so many people are too ignorant about them and hate and bully and worse. What worries me is what these kids born after 2000 have to fight everyday… probably only they know. The social pressure in the online is tremendous. At least YouTube came with a good idea of stopping the comments sections to the channels that portray the life of minors. For me is intringuing why so many kids and teens nowadays are diagnosed with ADHD or Spectrum Disorders and end up becoming addicted to the medication.

I am very scared for my daughter. So many things are changing. You really don’t know how the school will look like 5-6 years from now. Social distance for kids in primary school? This is not only utopic, but torturous. Social distance for kids in highschool, when they are discovering their bodies and the emotions between them?! Yeah, Good luck, Charlie.

The work system that most knew, collapsed. So many lost their jobs. For me, personally, this was an advantage, as I’ve been working from home for several years and it got me the opportunity to come back earlier than planned, to a very flexible work-schedule, but, with a small baby at home it would be impossible to work a full-time schedule like this, and God, I’m yearning about it so badly, as I would hate to fall behind in my career. I think this is what drives me (crazy) the most.

I even wanted to say at some point that, aside from those 25 mil reported Covid cases that tested positive so far, probably another 25 mil people “tested” positive to some form of mental illness. I think this is the real pandemic.

Myself, in particular, I’m very close to request depression medication. I’m not writting it as a complaint or as a “poor-me, save me”, I am not even angry anymore. I am just accepting the fact that I am not the way I was anymore. Ok, I’m still breastfeeding, plus some other stuff I have on my plate, that have left their mark on my nerves. But, hopefully from now on the pressure will slowly decrease and I will start to wake up with a smile on my face again. After at least 8h of sleep/night.

I didn’t want to write earlier because I wanted to have also something positive to share, aside from the fact that baby now has 8 teeth and 4 molars and she is walking by herself like a pro and even “doing” gymnastics.

And what else I’ve been doing lately… aside from taking care of a baby almost 24/7 and also working 2h/day, in average…

So, I passed that Czech Language test for Permanent Residency. I wrote about it on Facebook, I don’t wanna go back to that (feeling) again. On Monday I should go to retrieve my final Permanent Residency paper. But whether this will entitle me to a Czech ID with permanent domicile, I honestly don’t know.

Then, this Tuesday, I had the ACCA exam on Taxation, the Czech system. After getting stuck in traffic for almost 1h on the highway and fighting with her dad because we were not agreeing which route to take, baby threw up in her car seat, just 5 min before arriving to the parking lot in Brno.

It was the first time in her life when she throws up. Then, she was looking so much better and composed, it was just a one time thing, but it marked me, emotionally, as I was already there in the back with her and I didn’t know if I should take her out from her seat if she is chocking or not… Anyway, I entered into the exam worried and stressed for leaving her. I had a fight with her dad again, because I asked him to go with her in the stroller and buy her a new car seat and he wouldn’t. At least they went and saw it, the one we agreed on, but they didn’t buy it.

I felt like the worst mom in world when I put the baby in the way back home in the same dirty car seat. We cleaned it with wet wipes as much as we could but it was still stinking. But she slept like an angel the whole way back, 1h&45min without saying anything at all.

So yeah… I have no idea if I’m gonna pass this exam, especially because of one 10 points question that was probably intended to be easy, but it blocked me, because it was the first big one and it was from the introductory chapter… I had stressed myself so much to go through all the past exam questions from the Exam Kit and I was reviewing each main chapter again, each week, but it simply didn’t cross my mind to at least read one more time the introductory chapter. So I lost too much time trying to write something to that question and then I didn’t have time anymore to finish what I actually knew how to solve. And that Excel place where you write your answer is horrible, because you cannot see the Cell reference when you click on one formula, among other things.

Now… I am seriously flirting with the idea of 2-3 weeks vacation with the baby in Romania. We just have to go to the notary and get the papers so I can take her out of the country just by myself and then I will buy the plane tickets. But now I’m stressed because the reported Covid cases in CZ have increased too much in the past days and what if the austrians come again with some brilliant idea of closing the borders. Because I’m flying from Vienna, is closer, faster and also much cheaper that from Prague.

So… That’s about it for now. I’m trying everyday to find reasons to look forward to. There are so many things that don’t work out and I have to change, but I don’t have that much energy to fight in that many battles.

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