Keep chasing butterflies

So we finally managed to install the new car seat! Countless amounts of nerves that it consumed me, when the order arrived almost one month ago and I was shocked to find that the car didn’t have isofix installed. 😦 So yeah.. Leo had the task to figure out how to install it as I took the initiative to find the best one and buy it.

The bathroom window has also been fixed, it costed me much more than I expected, but yeah. Long story. Adding to that also the cost of replacing my phone, from last autumn… This control theatre emotional drama that I just discovered I’m playing to attract the needed energy just enough to dare to ask for help, with my last powers, it turned out to be plain stupid. So I give up, it’s too much energy draining for everyone. What is meant to last will last, what is meant to break (up)… bye-bye. The baby should be my only focus, she is the only one that really needs me.

I bought the plane tickets to come with her for vacation, yet I haven’t figured it out if we still need or not to get PCR tests at entering in Austria and if we should book hotel for the night before or have Leo drive us to the airport directly, from very early in the morning.

As for very early in the morning.. last night I fell asleep after midnight and I woke up at around 4 with a stomach pain, yet mentally excited from the dream memories that I still had so vivid… and outside it was already light. But what actually surprised me is that, even after staying awake for almost one hour, after I fell back asleep the dream continued.. epic. Yes, I’m keeping it for myself, it’s nothing new under the sun anyway.

In the past days I spent a lot of time reading from my old blog posts and wondering when and what happened with me in between. I feel so excruciatingly tired all the time and it’s like I have no more spirit left in me.

And to be even more honest, the whole stocks and crypto thing is a mess… I have spent shameful amounts of time and energy obsessing over them from january until now and micro-managing each trade and I still lost a bunch. On the hundreds of dollars level. Like, really??!! How stupid can this be?

I’m done… it’s probably not written in the stars for me.. my fear of succes is higher than the fear of losing and I really wonder why. It’s so twisted that it’s like it gives me more pleasure to see how I’m losing money than when my trades are on green. I hate this drama-me. I think I was even winning more money on lottery. Really!

On Monday I’m closing everything on Etoro… I already got to have 5 trading apps (including wallets) installed in my phone. I mean, it may be fun sometimes while discovering and learning new things all by myself (especially the whole $raini saga) but the associated fees are simply atrocious for small amounts trading.

And for now I don’t see myself investing and trading amounts on the order of tens of thousand of dollars, for the fees to be marginally affordable. Let’s say we are even so far, I took it mostly as a training experience, for my general knowledge on the topic, but enough is enough, I keep the staked tokens and that’s it.

I don’t have to know everything. At once. It’s not worth it for me anymore. I would better buy myself something with that money and enjoy it, instead of being stressed that I have no control over them.

I also have to seriously think if I continue with those ACCA exams. There are just 4 left. But they seem so hard. This SBL brought me panic attacks already. Am I really not capable anymore? That was it?!

I remember when I had my exams for admission to the Academy of Economic Studies. The first exam was for Accounting Major, I found it the easiest, got over 90% score. The second day I had the one that I really wanted, for Commerce and Tourism Major, also got over 90% score.

Even now, I distinctly remember how I saw the final results in one internet cafe, in the center of Tulcea (we had already left for a trip in the Danube Delta) that I was the 11th one admitted, from 3000 candidates, with scholarship and free accommodation in the best student house at that time.

In the 3rd day I had in the morning for International Relations with German and Cybernetics in the afternoon. I think. I was admitted to these also, yet my best score was the one where I wanted. I remember I told my mom that I’m tired and I don’t want to go for the afternoon one anymore but she didn’t let me skip it…

Did I mention I graduated from my Master’s the 3rd from my cohort? It makes me laugh and cry in the same time. When I wrote that dissertation paper I was feeling the worst I ever felt in my life so far, my mind was literally all over the place. And the actual presentation exam was a true surreal experience. Crazy.

And then the acting classes and the exam for the admission to Acting School, just 2 years after finishing my Master’s.. the first time I ever failed at something. I remember I had a fight with my mom over the phone right when I was going to register my file, she was very stressed that she was at high risk of losing her job due to administrative changes and I was not working at the time, so she was very upset on me that instead of finding a job I was chasing butterflies and asking her for money. I really didn’t want to go for the exam at all anymore, I had also twisted me ankle just few days before, but this time other people convinced me not to give up, I guess more afraid for losing their reputation than for my wellbeing.

I remember I had a very intense emotional dream in the night before the exam. I was so in love back then and so confused in the same time, because I never found that person from my dreams, in the real life. I was looking into his sparkling smiling blue eyes one meter away from me and couldn’t find him, afraid to ask myself if he is smiling at me or at the person(s) next to me.

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