Yesterday in a nutshell

the middle-finger. wrapped in a colored baggy with a sparkling ribbon

Seriously, now… I had my SBL exam, I was literally the only candidate in the CBE room, they said they had 4 in the morning though, but I had the afternoon session because I came straight from Mistik Falls.

The case was a fitness club, with 6 points of commercial acumen, from total of 20 points professional skills. The CBE software literally s*d, because, even if you were able to copy-paste, it was pasting in the examination sheet with a different font. And it was looking like hell. And there was no way to bring it all to the same format. So I had to type everything word by word… and there were no communication skills. Very “smart” ACCA, good for you… if I don’t pass it, bye-bye… real professional life is not that b*y.

Then… I got out from the exam. And guess what? Crypto sudden 20% discounts! You can buy more crypto and you can buy more crypto! Everyone can buy more crypto. Except me. Because I left my laptop at home and I have no more trading software on my phone, for security reasons.

And then I got to the hostel. My delusion and my high from yesterday was slowly starting to wear off. For a brief moment I even felt myself like a lost child in a foreign wood. The room in the hostel was freezing cold. The wifi was having just 10% signal. Or how much that could mean if there is only the tiny dot available.

Delusional… yeah… I need to have a reality check very soon. I’m starting to see the edges of the bubble of this raini thingy. And I don’t like it. Because it is not real. I think I have been doing some stuff and putting some time and energy for the wrong reasons, so I may have to break it up, as painful as it might be.

I need more adventure in my life. But real adventure, like travelling and meeting new people and doing sports, not crypto trading…

For the past two months, each time I was thinking about this first week of September I was having a panic attack. I got used to a more hectic type of day and now baby will go daily to kindergarden and I also have to work 4h/daily. From home. Alone. And the idea of having this routine is literally bringing me claustrophobia.

Do I really need to adjust to this schedule again or I can just break free? Make my own schedule? Do what the f*k I really want to do?! Just like that?

All summer I was not capable of fixing my bike. I have spent 2-3h/day studying, 2-3h day/working, 4-5h/day admining… and between all these also taking care of baby (when she was not in kindergarden or when we were not at granma and granapa) and house chores. Yeah, at least we spent two months in Romania, even if we didn’t go to any seaside or any visit anywhere, not even to salina or dino park… because first granma fell and then baby got sick… At least I managed to renew my driver’s licence!

To close this, I need to break free so badly that my delusion started to escape my dream life and invade my real life. Certain interactions with certain people literally absorb my being. I’m consumed by telepathy and tele-empathy. Everything is moving too fast, yet too slow. I cannot fall asleep at night anymore… for the past two-tree weeks I think I didn’t sleep more than 6h/night in average. What I think I’m trying to say is that part of what was happening before in my sleep now is happening in my real life. And it’s too exciting and scary in the same time, because it feels too good to be true. Because it’s not love, it’s self-delusion. Love is something that flows freely, something that you can have instantly when you need to have it. If you feel that you have to ask for it to be given to you, then it is not love. Is anything but…

I think this is the main issue: it feels too good to be true. I have re-programmed myself in the past 4-7-10 years that I don’t deserve to be too happy anymore. That I need to work very hard and fight very hard to deserve to be happy again. Yesterday I literally realised that I cannot ground myself anymore and nor I wanted to. Because I have no more reasons to push myself anymore. No visible awards in the horizon. What could have been, it is actually just a delusion.

Anyway, it seems there is reality also at this higher level. Until it will not be anymore.

Actually, I could start driving again! Yeah! This is on what I’m going to focus myself now. I cannot live in the fear that what if something bad happens. I can only do my best and have faith. In the goodness of the universe.

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