How weird is too weird and how little weird is being original? When you are pathetic and when you are authentic?
Just survived my second covid… which came, last weekend, with two of my worst depressive days ever. You know what made them the worst? The fact that being a parent, now apparently I don’t have the right to simply not be able to get down from the bed. And even more, now I don’t have the right to cry anymore. I should just swallow my emotions and soldier up. Oh… and since the start of this pandemic I’ve accumulated so much frustration and so many bad things inside. I can see them on my scale. But no.. I don’t have the right to cry…
Ever since I left the rehabilitation hospital after my car accident I am dreaming from time to time that I am going back there and I am always searching for someone I met there, that remained imprinted in my emotional self.
It’s like my soul yearnings are never-ending, now that I have a more or less emotional bridge in the real- virtual life with someone I was only able to find in my dreams, for the past almost 10 years now…
This pandemic changed us so much. It literally ate some of the best things in our lives. For me, it was travelling and freedom of moving. Like, if my car accident didn’t give me PTSD or the fact that half of my pregnancy I had to spend it in the bed, this f* pandemic managed the impossible.
While I was cleaning in the living room the other day, my daughter was pretending to read from the book “How to raise human beings”, that I bought like more than a couple years before I was even pregnant… and I was imagining how a perfect parent I will be, much more perfect than my parents were for me.
But then, along the way, I just stopped trying. Because I realized I’ve already done way too many imperfect things and I’m already too miserable to even dream of aiming for that perfection again.
For the whole month of September my daughter was in kindergarden just one week. How did I manage to also work 4h/day, while most of the time I was sick also? How did I manage to do also the other things in the house? Yeah, I was ordering food for lunch or for dinner, from time to time, and my partner was making me feel guilty almost every single time, that I’m not cooking enough and that I’m working too much. Or admin-ing too much.
Yeah, sometimes things suck. But apparently not enough to just take your toys and completely shut the door behind you. What stupid things I’m saying… bad me… let me go back to my conjugal bed and stop acting silly.
No, things will not get better. It’s just my tolerance to frustration that is increasing. Until I will turn myself in a literal sphere of buried emotions.
Yes, I dreamed about him. And we kissed. And it was epic. One day I’m going to publish a book with all the epic dreams I had in my life, with all the persons I’ve created in my dream world from my real-life obsessions… no, I will not give the real names, chill.
Dear daughter, I hope that, by the time you will be an adult, this stupid social convention of monogamy will be against the law.
And I pray every day that you will never have to get into that mental place to simply not be able to ask a stranger in the bus station, for one single crown. I wonder how many sessions of therapy I will need to figure this out, like what really happened there.
Get well soon. They said. Yes, I’m going to add this also, to my ledger of positive affirmations. Although, catastif sounds much better.
Having to pretend that I don’t love you with all my heart is the worst thing that ever happened to me.
No matter which you is you. May the light fall upon you. Starting with me. I’m done having panick attacks in my bed at night, each time my daughter is accidentally touching me.
Later (30 min after) edit: I figured it out, the crown thingy… I remembered where it started. I need to be very careful who I’m letting defending me, when I can simply defend myself. Apparently sometimes controlling the real life is much harder than in the dream life and no training opportunity should be left to go to waste. We are never just “strong enough”.