When your natal language sounds exotic

For the past month I’ve been listening on repeat only songs in Romanian. And it is bringing me some feeling of “wait, I know this foreign language… and I’m so bloody missing it.”

I’ve lived a bit more than a quarter of my life, outside of my natal country… Lately there are days when I don’t get to speak it at all, because I don’t have with whom. But the saddest part is having conversations with other Romanian natives in English, because.. multinational environment.

I’ve probably mentioned this already, but I have always wanted to have a daughter with whom to speak in English. Everybody asks me why I don’t speak Romanian with her.. it’s because.. I simply can’t. I mean, after the last trip to the granma and granpa, she did start to understand a lot, but I mainly let only them to speak with her like this. I wanted her to have a completely different start than I had. She does seems smart, at her 2.5 yo, bi-lingual, plus exposure to the third one, definitely smarter than I was.. ha ha

This evening we’ve been shopping.. I have not taken her shopping for more than 1 month, because she is at the age of tantrums… and running after her between the shelves is not necessarily my idea of fitness. But she is reasonable… she is not insisting on buying stuff that we don’t need, but she does want to touch them and see what they are… is funny to explain her what the things are in a city where probably not even 10% of the people speak fluently English.. So today, it made me so happy when she went in front of me and she said out of the blue “this way, mami”.

You cannot even imagine how I feel when I hear her using words for the first time and in the correct context. Some days ago, I looked at her shocked, when I heard her repeat in English all numbers from 1 to 10, after her YouTube video. She is also very funny when she is practicing speaking, just by herself, with her two Peppas or with her collection of toy cars. And then she starts washing her Peppa Pig in a bowl, with the sponge from the dishes… absolutely every gesture that she makes has a meaning, she is “speaking” so much even without speaking.

Anyhow, the other reason why I don’t want to speak with her in Romanian is because we have so many literally shitty expressions that don’t mean anything but frustrations. So this way I’m basically happy to replace them all with “fuck”. Oh yeah, is much softer than some of the “anatomically correct” expressions I got to grow up with.

But, now, going back to my… missing the language. It is a quite hard language.. for example, I’m listening songs in English and Spanish and they seem much easier to memorize than songs in Romanian…

Why I’m not writing this in my natal language? Because .. it’s too intense… so I prefer to keep it just for feeling it.

“Eu stiu ce sunt / Eu stiu ce-am fost / Dar nu mai recunosc / Fata din oglinda. / Eu stiu ce simt / Si e dureros / Sa nu mai recunosc / Fata din oglinda.”

Now, honestly, pregnancy and motherhood changes us so radically. In all the pictures that I have after 5-6 months pregnant and also after giving birth, I don’t recognize myself. So I have to “assign” myself the image of some character that I saw in some movie, to know how I should be behaving according to my age and my physique.

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