When everyday you find much more reasons to get angry and upset, than reasons to be happy and peaceful, something is seriously wrong with you, right? But you cannot do anything about it, because the nail is not hurting yet that much to lift yourself from it. There is still room from time to time for self-deluding yourself that things are good.
Today I woke up at 4 AM, just like yesterday… and I couldn’t go back to sleep, because kukina was kicking me and then she was like “mommy, me hungry, bed and bata”. So yeah, motherhood, get down at 6 AM in an 18 degrees house, to heat up milk and make bread and butter and jam. My head hurts again, yesterday I took a fist of pills to be able to stand up and start my day: vitamin D, magnesium, vit C, zinc and paracetamol. But today I will really not get down from the bed anymore.. I’m fine with one simple coffee… The fridge is full of food, nobody will starve.
Some don’t have not even bread and butter and beds and blankets, gotta be grateful. Or one partner to wash baby’s butt and start the fire.
We used to hold fasting as kids, for a whole week before, maybe that’s why Christmas day was so much happier, after literally being dragged to church for the communion, on the empty stomach, we were coming back home and stuffing ourselves with sarmale, salata de boef and cozonac. The childhood naivety.
While mom was never having any free moment, because that’s the job of a mother and wife, to serve non-stop and be happy with it… They say. Except she wasn’t. 80-90% of her communicating was while screaming. But nobody seemed to care… The more she was screaming the less we were listening. We got used to being selfish and narcissistic. Luckily for her, plates were much cheaper than smartphones. No love was received, no love was given back.
Yeah, I even forgot about my happy moments in the previous days, because I had so many things to do, like cooking and cleaning and shopping… and my partner is tens of times better than my dad at household chores and work and in general…
But I must admit that yesterday I did have a particular unexpected moment. Aside from the moment when I was making Christmas cookies with daughter. Which was not as fun and rewarding as you see in the movies, because the dough was harder than expected and she was not able to press those shapes to cut the cookies and she was getting frustrated.
And also taking aside the presents opening and the Christmas dinner, there was a moment, that, even if I didn’t let it get to me at that point, it does still feed me long term uplifting energy. On my own natural receiving frequency. The one that I recognise from my childhood. Even if most probably not even intended or directed.
Because sometimes, you just can’t fight back anymore and you just give.
Our parents do love us so much but there are always too many things that they have to do and is very hard to express something that nobody taught you how. Yes, loving ourselves is the best way, but is so hard and it takes so much time. Way too much.