It grows on you

After literally listening to Enrique – Finally found you, for more than 100 times now I’m listening some crying Italian one on repeat since last night, when I discovered it. Funny is that it sounds very good in Spanish also, they made it rhyme.

Still… did I mention my head hurts for 4 days now continuosly? This song makes even more depressed.. lol.. the silliness of an 16-17 years old crush, moments that you remember even 20 years later.

It’s getting very bad.

Plus I want something very bad, I have no idea what consequences it will have, but I know that I cannot do anything about it, because free will. I can only have tele and emotional -pathy. I cannot say what, of course. I can make it my new years wish, though.

I was looking at pictures with me from 16 yo, 22, 24, 28 yo.. and remembering moments that had huge impact in my mental, emotional health and personality. Like, the first time you have a crush and he chooses someone else, because she was more pushy and less childish.. or I have no idea why…

And then someone else rejects you because you don’t earn as much as he does. Or at least half of that. Or you are overweight. Or you are simply not perfect.

But these are all just bullshits.

Oh, daughter, I really hope you are less emotional than I was. Too much depth is breaking too deep.

Ok, I have to say this because it’s very recurrent lately. For the past year or two or so, I keep dreaming of a former colleague from my primary school that he loves me and we are together. Which is so crazy, because I never exchanged more that 3 words with that guy in 8 years as we were colleagues. He is married, I never had any interest in him or any type of exchange what so ever on social media, except I’ve noticed some “happy birthdays” from his side.

But I do remember what was probably the last time I talked with him, I was going in the city, he was probably going back home and at the bottom of the bridge, he invited me to his birthday, but I don’t remember what year was that. Or it could even be a false memory. Still, I remember that he gave me his phone number to confirm if I’m coming or not, because the birthday party was actually at his country-side… And I had no idea how to even get there. But I did call and talked with his grandma and told her I am coming, but I never went.

Dreaming that I am back in school is making me sick. That I have to repeat secondary school or high-school, because the degrees I have are not valid anymore. And each single time I’m fighting with all the teachers telling them that I have two jobs, I’m living in a different country and I have a kid. Sometimes even two.

Yeah, last time I dreamed about this guy, I was having two daughters, he had a boy and he was telling me he is now divorced. Very crazy.

Oh, humans can be so complex. And deep. And so many layers. And from time to time you get to see the bare core of someone and then it takes them decades to build back layers of walls to cover and deny that vulnerability, instead of owning it.

Adults need to cry also. Let’s make it safe and healthy for adults to cry also. My head is exploding.. and I have also this weird nausea… insomnia… heat waves… Oh, God, I hope I’m not getting to menopause already. I have two kids in my dreams. Although I will definitely not wanna go again through what I did with my daughter. I think women are inherently crazy for having a second and a third and so on.

I believe all mothers on this planet should own a crown.

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