Author Archives: Stefania

It’s fine..

So this week baby was sick again. And me trying to work and study and admin and take care of the house and food, while already being employed as a full-time mommy.

It snowed, on Friday, all day. In the evening we got out to clean the yard and then to wait for the food delivery.. and she didn’t want to get back inside, we stayed almost 40 minutes… When the food arrived and we finally got back inside the warm house, for the first time in so long, I had a feeling of “finally I can relax now”. It lasted exactly for 10 seconds when she started to get angry because she couldn’t put down her jacket.

And that’s when I got it: I will never be able to relax again. Ever. Like to have that feeling that everything is ok and I can finally sit down with a cup of something warm and enjoy everything that I have, that I worked so hard for… that I don’t have to occupy my mind all the time with 1000 tasks.

I’m having a migraine since Saturday morning, I tried to survive it because I saw I only have 1 pill of Nurofen left in the house, which I took it in the afternoon, because I couldn’t resist anymore. See, my migraine is not just headache, is also congested nose and foggy brain. And either cold, either warm, either both in the same time in different parts of the body. And this feeling that I cannot think clear of how I am feeling and how I feel about things… if it makes any sense.

I ordered myself a brand new toothbrush from lekarna.cz and I haven’t even got to open the box, to charge it and test it, for more than a week now…

I saw yesterday on YouTube some recipes of marinated chicken breast, I will try to see if I can cook it… at some point this week.

And yeah, we go shopping now. Bye!

When your natal language sounds exotic

For the past month I’ve been listening on repeat only songs in Romanian. And it is bringing me some feeling of “wait, I know this foreign language… and I’m so bloody missing it.”

I’ve lived a bit more than a quarter of my life, outside of my natal country… Lately there are days when I don’t get to speak it at all, because I don’t have with whom. But the saddest part is having conversations with other Romanian natives in English, because.. multinational environment.

I’ve probably mentioned this already, but I have always wanted to have a daughter with whom to speak in English. Everybody asks me why I don’t speak Romanian with her.. it’s because.. I simply can’t. I mean, after the last trip to the granma and granpa, she did start to understand a lot, but I mainly let only them to speak with her like this. I wanted her to have a completely different start than I had. She does seems smart, at her 2.5 yo, bi-lingual, plus exposure to the third one, definitely smarter than I was.. ha ha

This evening we’ve been shopping.. I have not taken her shopping for more than 1 month, because she is at the age of tantrums… and running after her between the shelves is not necessarily my idea of fitness. But she is reasonable… she is not insisting on buying stuff that we don’t need, but she does want to touch them and see what they are… is funny to explain her what the things are in a city where probably not even 10% of the people speak fluently English.. So today, it made me so happy when she went in front of me and she said out of the blue “this way, mami”.

You cannot even imagine how I feel when I hear her using words for the first time and in the correct context. Some days ago, I looked at her shocked, when I heard her repeat in English all numbers from 1 to 10, after her YouTube video. She is also very funny when she is practicing speaking, just by herself, with her two Peppas or with her collection of toy cars. And then she starts washing her Peppa Pig in a bowl, with the sponge from the dishes… absolutely every gesture that she makes has a meaning, she is “speaking” so much even without speaking.

Anyhow, the other reason why I don’t want to speak with her in Romanian is because we have so many literally shitty expressions that don’t mean anything but frustrations. So this way I’m basically happy to replace them all with “fuck”. Oh yeah, is much softer than some of the “anatomically correct” expressions I got to grow up with.

But, now, going back to my… missing the language. It is a quite hard language.. for example, I’m listening songs in English and Spanish and they seem much easier to memorize than songs in Romanian…

Why I’m not writing this in my natal language? Because .. it’s too intense… so I prefer to keep it just for feeling it.

“Eu stiu ce sunt / Eu stiu ce-am fost / Dar nu mai recunosc / Fata din oglinda. / Eu stiu ce simt / Si e dureros / Sa nu mai recunosc / Fata din oglinda.”

Now, honestly, pregnancy and motherhood changes us so radically. In all the pictures that I have after 5-6 months pregnant and also after giving birth, I don’t recognize myself. So I have to “assign” myself the image of some character that I saw in some movie, to know how I should be behaving according to my age and my physique.

A 12h flight – THM

Moon: “But I am curious though, Jason… since we have now all this flight until Havana for ourselves… maybe you can clear some of my insecurities…

How did you resist loving me that much and not burning with the desire to see me and to feel me, every day? Did you also dream of me like I dream of you?”

Jason: “Well, Moon, I did manage because everything I did, every single day, I did it thinking about how to assure a stable future for us to grow old together. My steps are always few months/years ahead of yours. I do have dreams also, but different kind of dreams. Most of the times I don’t even understand what I’ve dreamed until months later.

But you need to understand that I’m also human.. a simple mortal.. and I have also periods of lethargy, when things don’t work out exactly how I expected they would. Or when I simply have to wait. For us to grow enough to accept our differences. And create safe boundaries of what is me and what is you.

You need to trust me a bit more. The best things in life are worth the waiting.”

And he takes her hand into his and passionately inserts his fingers between hers. Then gently puts his head on her chest and closes his eyes.

6h left until the landing.

“Moon, what was the most important thing that you learned with me?”

“Quite too late, really.. I finally understand that loving someone doesn’t make you responsible for saving them from themselves. A totally emotional healthy person will know when not to get dirty with someone else’s drama. But most of all, will be ok with it, not feeling guilty or selfish.

Loving doesn’t mean sacrifice. That’s dependency.”

Hyper Hibernation Mode

If we are in a semi-hibernation from the beginning of the pandemic, now with the winter weather approaching, I’m even less in the mood to get out of the house. Looking back to the summer, we did spend two interesting months in Romania, even if we didn’t succeed to go to the beach or to the salina.. not even to Dino Park.. because baby was very uncomfortable in that small car seat for a long drive, she was always soaking wet.

So… now I have so many things passing through my mind, trying to sort them out and put them in the right boxes. It’s that time of the year when the Sun is in my 12th House, this time also including Mars and Mercury catching up soon.

Saturn is direct for a couple of weeks now, Mercury from last night and Jupiter any minute now. It’s been quite a recessive period… yet some notable gains did stake up also, especially in the past 2 months.

And regarding SBL… on the principle that you just cannot have them all… 45% is not necessarily a bad result, considering how many panic attacks this exam brought me, while studying for it. It only shows me that next time I will need to channel 5% more… for studying completely alone at home, from the books, I am satisfied with the result.

And also considering that the main activity that captivated my attention and my curiosity in the past months has brought me profits ten times higher than the fee for sitting the exam, I have nothing to be upset for. I will do it again… faster. Because at this score it was not knowledge issue, it was time management issue. Or maybe I will never do them again.

I need to be honest with myself and with what subjects are currently interesting me. And now I’m pretty much into accumulating NFTs and hardly waiting for the staking contracts to come live for the projects I’m invested in.

And another thing… some “destiny accident” that happened in the past few days, that shifted my space-time continuum for a bit… judging by the previous times when this happened, I consider that I received a pre-access to a vault of holistic creative energy, I just need to figure out exactly what I really want to do with it and this is how I will actually get the key to the vault. Like, the reason behind the reason behind the reason… until the 7th reason. Basically, figure out what really makes me happy.

It fills my heart each time when I see my daughter telling me “please” when she needs me to so something for her. And “help”. And how she is putting the hand on her chest and says “me”. And how she looks under the bed or behind the wardrobe and she says “mess”… And when she wants “milk” and whenever she sees a cake or a candle she sings “happy daya”. 🥰 And when she is asking me to draw her a “plane” and a “beach” and “wata” and “sand”. And when she is asking me to help her find her “big Pepika”. These are the moments when I’m simply melting and forgetting all her naughtiness. Oh yeah, the terrible twos, they came! She started making tantrums in the stores and in the park and even at home whenever I try to dress her up, like she is pretending to melt down and making it impossible to pick her up.

On the other hand, it’s not making me happy when she is throwing her Peppa and kicking it, right after I have scolded her for something bad that she did. But it does give me an opportunity to explain to her the difference between her behaviour and Peppa’s and that, even if I’m scolding her, I’m still loving her and kissing her and she should do the same with her Pepika.

As for laughing, on Friday after I picked her from day-care we went to the mall and we sat on a bench in the food court area, waiting for daddy. And while she was sitting on the bench next to me, I was checking on my phone how my new NFTs plants look like and what rankings they have. And all of the sudden I end up with a fist of flower pot dirt in my head. I jumped up and started laughing, because the people from the table next to us were also laughing… And I handed her some wet wipes and asked her to help me clean up the mess. There were like 5 fists of soil around and a small plant almost completely out from the ground… And this kind of coincidences happened before, with other stuff, so I guess she is just trying to.. stand her ground.

So many monsters, I love you all! Now go away 😁

How weird is too weird and how little weird is being original? When you are pathetic and when you are authentic?

Just survived my second covid… which came, last weekend, with two of my worst depressive days ever. You know what made them the worst? The fact that being a parent, now apparently I don’t have the right to simply not be able to get down from the bed. And even more, now I don’t have the right to cry anymore. I should just swallow my emotions and soldier up. Oh… and since the start of this pandemic I’ve accumulated so much frustration and so many bad things inside. I can see them on my scale. But no.. I don’t have the right to cry…

Ever since I left the rehabilitation hospital after my car accident I am dreaming from time to time that I am going back there and I am always searching for someone I met there, that remained imprinted in my emotional self.

It’s like my soul yearnings are never-ending, now that I have a more or less emotional bridge in the real- virtual life with someone I was only able to find in my dreams, for the past almost 10 years now…

This pandemic changed us so much. It literally ate some of the best things in our lives. For me, it was travelling and freedom of moving. Like, if my car accident didn’t give me PTSD or the fact that half of my pregnancy I had to spend it in the bed, this f* pandemic managed the impossible.

While I was cleaning in the living room the other day, my daughter was pretending to read from the book “How to raise human beings”, that I bought like more than a couple years before I was even pregnant… and I was imagining how a perfect parent I will be, much more perfect than my parents were for me.

But then, along the way, I just stopped trying. Because I realized I’ve already done way too many imperfect things and I’m already too miserable to even dream of aiming for that perfection again.

For the whole month of September my daughter was in kindergarden just one week. How did I manage to also work 4h/day, while most of the time I was sick also? How did I manage to do also the other things in the house? Yeah, I was ordering food for lunch or for dinner, from time to time, and my partner was making me feel guilty almost every single time, that I’m not cooking enough and that I’m working too much. Or admin-ing too much.

Yeah, sometimes things suck. But apparently not enough to just take your toys and completely shut the door behind you. What stupid things I’m saying… bad me… let me go back to my conjugal bed and stop acting silly.

No, things will not get better. It’s just my tolerance to frustration that is increasing. Until I will turn myself in a literal sphere of buried emotions.

Yes, I dreamed about him. And we kissed. And it was epic. One day I’m going to publish a book with all the epic dreams I had in my life, with all the persons I’ve created in my dream world from my real-life obsessions… no, I will not give the real names, chill.

Dear daughter, I hope that, by the time you will be an adult, this stupid social convention of monogamy will be against the law.

And I pray every day that you will never have to get into that mental place to simply not be able to ask a stranger in the bus station, for one single crown. I wonder how many sessions of therapy I will need to figure this out, like what really happened there.

Get well soon. They said. Yes, I’m going to add this also, to my ledger of positive affirmations. Although, catastif sounds much better.

Having to pretend that I don’t love you with all my heart is the worst thing that ever happened to me.

No matter which you is you. May the light fall upon you. Starting with me. I’m done having panick attacks in my bed at night, each time my daughter is accidentally touching me.

Later (30 min after) edit: I figured it out, the crown thingy… I remembered where it started. I need to be very careful who I’m letting defending me, when I can simply defend myself. Apparently sometimes controlling the real life is much harder than in the dream life and no training opportunity should be left to go to waste. We are never just “strong enough”.

Yesterday in a nutshell

the middle-finger. wrapped in a colored baggy with a sparkling ribbon

Seriously, now… I had my SBL exam, I was literally the only candidate in the CBE room, they said they had 4 in the morning though, but I had the afternoon session because I came straight from Mistik Falls.

The case was a fitness club, with 6 points of commercial acumen, from total of 20 points professional skills. The CBE software literally s*d, because, even if you were able to copy-paste, it was pasting in the examination sheet with a different font. And it was looking like hell. And there was no way to bring it all to the same format. So I had to type everything word by word… and there were no communication skills. Very “smart” ACCA, good for you… if I don’t pass it, bye-bye… real professional life is not that b*y.

Then… I got out from the exam. And guess what? Crypto sudden 20% discounts! You can buy more crypto and you can buy more crypto! Everyone can buy more crypto. Except me. Because I left my laptop at home and I have no more trading software on my phone, for security reasons.

And then I got to the hostel. My delusion and my high from yesterday was slowly starting to wear off. For a brief moment I even felt myself like a lost child in a foreign wood. The room in the hostel was freezing cold. The wifi was having just 10% signal. Or how much that could mean if there is only the tiny dot available.

Delusional… yeah… I need to have a reality check very soon. I’m starting to see the edges of the bubble of this raini thingy. And I don’t like it. Because it is not real. I think I have been doing some stuff and putting some time and energy for the wrong reasons, so I may have to break it up, as painful as it might be.

I need more adventure in my life. But real adventure, like travelling and meeting new people and doing sports, not crypto trading…

For the past two months, each time I was thinking about this first week of September I was having a panic attack. I got used to a more hectic type of day and now baby will go daily to kindergarden and I also have to work 4h/daily. From home. Alone. And the idea of having this routine is literally bringing me claustrophobia.

Do I really need to adjust to this schedule again or I can just break free? Make my own schedule? Do what the f*k I really want to do?! Just like that?

All summer I was not capable of fixing my bike. I have spent 2-3h/day studying, 2-3h day/working, 4-5h/day admining… and between all these also taking care of baby (when she was not in kindergarden or when we were not at granma and granapa) and house chores. Yeah, at least we spent two months in Romania, even if we didn’t go to any seaside or any visit anywhere, not even to salina or dino park… because first granma fell and then baby got sick… At least I managed to renew my driver’s licence!

To close this, I need to break free so badly that my delusion started to escape my dream life and invade my real life. Certain interactions with certain people literally absorb my being. I’m consumed by telepathy and tele-empathy. Everything is moving too fast, yet too slow. I cannot fall asleep at night anymore… for the past two-tree weeks I think I didn’t sleep more than 6h/night in average. What I think I’m trying to say is that part of what was happening before in my sleep now is happening in my real life. And it’s too exciting and scary in the same time, because it feels too good to be true. Because it’s not love, it’s self-delusion. Love is something that flows freely, something that you can have instantly when you need to have it. If you feel that you have to ask for it to be given to you, then it is not love. Is anything but…

I think this is the main issue: it feels too good to be true. I have re-programmed myself in the past 4-7-10 years that I don’t deserve to be too happy anymore. That I need to work very hard and fight very hard to deserve to be happy again. Yesterday I literally realised that I cannot ground myself anymore and nor I wanted to. Because I have no more reasons to push myself anymore. No visible awards in the horizon. What could have been, it is actually just a delusion.

Anyway, it seems there is reality also at this higher level. Until it will not be anymore.

Actually, I could start driving again! Yeah! This is on what I’m going to focus myself now. I cannot live in the fear that what if something bad happens. I can only do my best and have faith. In the goodness of the universe.

Big step for us, small for humankind

From yesterday I am at 4h/day working schedule and baby is going to kindergarten daily now. Yesterday morning I put her by the door and took a picture and I almost started crying. She is not my baby anymore.

I am so proud of her, especially for the fact that she is tri-lingual. Ok, a bit less with Romanian, but Czech and English she understands perfectly. And she added two more words to vocabulary: Peppa and Shakal (chocolate). She is crazy about her two Peppas. Gaston ladybug is not that much appreciated, but we just started watching those and she is growing on them, I see she is more captivated.

So yeah… I have the SBL exam on Tuesday in Brno, I’m still stressed about it, but I discovered the webinars of one Pakistani teacher on Youtube, I watched all 5 from the June ’21 already and made extra notes and now I have 2 more left from Sep ’21. I like to watch them at 1.5x it keeps me alert. With none of the other exams so far I had the patience to watch any tutorials, but this time I had to because, even after literally typing down by myself all answers from 5 full previous and specimen exams, I was still feeling lost…

This teacher is very inspiring and you feel how is giving energy, he is very passionate about what is doing. He is insisting on the tricky things and kinda puts everything in perspective and makes you feel confident on the technique for this exam. I am starting to feel confident that I will pass it. Even if this is a 4h exams and all other ones are just 3h, time management is the CSF for this exam, because you have like 10-12 pages of exhibits and overview and requirements to read, which can get messy for a CBE with the text split through so many windows.

Happy new fiscal year and bye-bye for now, keep up the good work. And may BNB, ETH and $raini always stay gaini. 🌈🦄🚀🌞

One year from now

I did mention that one of my recurring dreams is that I’m driving a car and the car goes so much ahead of me that I end up taking the curves blindly, right? Like, why am I not just slowing down?! Yeah, it took me too much of my life to finally understand this dream: In my mind I’m living way too much ahead in the future and I end up bumping myself by the ordinary stuff in my present physical life. And… why am I not slowing down?

For a very long time in my childhood and teenage years I have lived with anxiety. So many things were completely out of my control. And when I graduated and had my own job and paying my own rent, more and more things ended up being in my control. So I started to exercise it, as far away in the future as I could.

Long introduction short, few moments ago I realized it’s been 9 years since I landed in CZ, not 10… as I originally wrote in the blog post below. And I even celebrated this with my partner and he didn’t figure out the mistake either. And, when I wrote the blog post below, I could even swear that my 10 years anniversary in the company was last year…

What I’m actually trying to say is that I ended up occupying a possible future line of myself 1 year earlier than I would’ve done it just by myself and by my own merits. I changed my future, again.

What exactly I did and when I did it, I’m not very sure, what I can say is that, usually when something like this happens (because it did happen, many times before), when I “wake up” I discover a trail of mistakes behind me that nobody spotted before. Which makes me realise now, does it even make a difference to correct them or not? Will my future go back to the previous version if I don’t? Well, this is where my problems start: I’m afraid to wait to find out, I guess I am a perfectionist.

“She died by going back trying to solve a mistake that she spotted in the solution that she drafted for an existential problem that nobody else was seeing but her” – it’s written on my tomb stone.

It’s like my car, on a curvy road managed to skip some very long detours by finding a short-cut. It’s like, from time to time I just need to have a little faith that, even if I drive blindly (3rd eye-ish speaking), things will turn out pretty much ok.

And that’s when synchronicity starts, when I’m travelling on a road that also my future self has travelled, but one year later. This evening I found on FB a small podcast on how to prepare for the SBL exam, at the end the tutor was asked: So what is your favourite place in the world? He said, “Greece, my native country”. He mentioned some islands there, but I didn’t memorise them..

This one just one of the examples… yes, coincidences exist all the time everywhere, in synchronicity we are just focusing more on them.

I may not make that much sense it this post, or maybe I do… but “have a little faith in me”.

Exactly 9 years ago

It was Saturday before noon, I had everything ready, some of my belongings in the big suitcase and in my small sports backpack and the rest in piles, for my parents to take back to Campulung.

Oana asked me if I can please bring her one Doina milk make-up remover and I went downstairs to buy it. I also bought myself what I intended to be one shampoo, in case I would not figure out in time what brand/type to buy when I land there. When I got home I realized I had purchased one balsam instead. I was so hard on myself: if I cannot manage this simple task in my own country, in my own language, how on Earth will I survive in a country, whose language I discovered barely 2 weeks ago, on YouTube.

I was so nervous that I couldn’t eat anything, still my mom made some mash-potatoes with cabbage salad. On those times I was barely eating, I got used to keep a low regime, I was under 70 kg… which was quite athletic for my height.

We called a taxi and in the road to the airport it started to heavily rain.. I was looking on the window at the intense gray apartment buildings and I told myself out loud: it definitely cannot be worse than here/now. I remember when I finally got my acceptance email, I was not even having enough money saved to buy the plane tickets, so I had to request an advance from work. Plus a significant amount that my parents loaned me to last me until my first paycheck.

My heart was all over the place… some pieces with former acting colleagues, some with former work colleagues… I had started smoking, more like to fit in with the peers.. I hadn’t smoked one single tigarette from that package of Vogue slim menthol since I arrived.. I kept it for several years though, like a souvenir.

When I landed I was shocked by how cold it was. Oana and Octavian were waiting for me at the airport and they came with me until the flat where I had my room rented. She and Alexandra were so nice that they previously even went to see that place and agree with the owners for me to rent it when I arrive. The sun did come out in the late afternoon.

We found a typical czech restaurant at the corner of the street and I bought myself a pivo and a portion of pasta with chicken, broccoli and garlic, that I brought half back with me at home, it was huge.

My flat roommates were two russian girls, one of them eventually moved with the boyfriend and the other one was barely speaking English.

They had a laptop for “public use” but the Windows was in Russian… on which I had to figure out which one is our wifi and where is the password.

Solving memories from a lifetime ago

I just realized that it’s much harder resisting the fomo to buy crypto when it’s finally going up than browsing social media for recent pictures with your crush with long hair. The sad part is that I currently don’t even have a crush.

Damn’it! I’m going to delete all trading and investing apps and lock myself inside just to re-watch Vampire Diaries, for a whole month. Because then we will go back to F-M and reality with all its inherent drama will set back in… And I will have to adult and parent again. No more bunis there to watch out for my baby, while I’m pretending to work, instead I’m dreaming with rainbows and unicorns.

Now I’m obsessed with the Stefan and Valerie relationship. After I have identified myself with Elena for a brief while and then with Caroline for several seasons, now at watching it again, I can’t seem to help it to root for Valerie. She is such a powerful woman. Vampire. Witch. Whatever she is.

The most I like that scene, from “The Philippines. Two years ago.”, where Valerie is heading for a party, all dressed up, with her mom by her side and in the restaurant there are just two free tables left, one in the continuation of the other, each for 4 people. And as they head there, they notice Stefan seated at one of the tables, sad, uninviting, with the face towards the wall. For some unknown reason, Valerie heads there and picks a chair from his table and asks him as if she doesn’t even know him, if the chair is free, wanting to take it back to the other table.

He looks up and with a very intense face, showing a bit disturbed, he is trying to gently grab her hand with his and says “No. Please, stay.” And he is showing her to sit right face-to-face to him. And then she realizes that he remembers her and they both suddenly look so happy and engage in a very loving conversation. And then some more friends show up and he tells her to go ahead, he will remain a bit more with his friends, maybe having some karaoke party and then he will head back to bed, with her.

Yeah, very nice scene. So emotional. So unreal…