From time to time we need to pile up around us, everything we own, physical and spiritual and then just step out. And let go of everything.
I moved so many times in my life… highschool was lived two years with one group and the other two with a new group. I only knew few people from German class, that we were doing together. University, first year in one group, second year in another group, because Marketing separated from Commerce, third year in the Major group of Tourism, in the fourth year I spent half in Spain… all these helped me know a lot of people, but very superficial relations due to little time spent together. I can call myself of having two friends, one from childhood and one from the first year of student accommodation. They both have girls also, older than mine, so it is good to share experiences from time to time even if just online.
Still… look, since almost 19 when I left home for university, I lived in so many places. And when you move from one place to another with just 1-2 suitcases you learn to attach yourself on other things than material things, to make your comfort, a safe feeling of emotional being.
I did a count, from 19 to 31, I moved 16 times: 6 times only during university: Moxa, Agronomie, Moxa again, Cartagena – Spain, Belvedere, Moxa again for the final summer.
Then Tunari, Campulung, Baba Novac, London, Baba Novac again, Crangasi… and then Prague – Ruska, then Stodulky, then Prirodni… and then… Mistik Falls.
I’ve been living in this house, that is not even mine, since June 2015. With a “small” pause from January 2016 to June 2016 when I “lived” in 3 hospitals.
I guess I’m chronically in a rut. I’ve started to accumulate too many things. I desperately want to go in a vacation. I haven’t been in a real vacation (aside from my parents) since Scotland 2018. I haven’t been in a vacation alone since Israel 2017.
Working from this home since 2015… still nothing is moving on. And I have no power to chance anything. No karma to move on from here.
Now.. some tiny baby steps resolutions for 2022. I will take a break from ACCA, because I need to focus more on my health. I need to move more. Get in a more stable emotional place to allow me to eat healthier and have mood and time to cook healthier foods than to eat pizzas and fast foods and cakes and cookies. I think at this point the start will be to just eat less. Smaller portions.
And the anxiety, the rage… the constant feeling of being stressed and disturbed… I don’t have free and peaceful moments not even on the toilet or in the shower. I have noticed that literally every day around 10-11 am I am falling into anxiety and depression. I come back to a more stable mood barely after lunch, around 13… if baby is at school or if at home, she sleeps. If she’s at home and doesn’t want to sleep, it’s terror. 100% recipe that until evening there will be screaming from my side, crying and or bruises from her side, because she is not satisfied by anything or she is running or falling and bumping herself on stuff.. or objects destroyed.
Last object destroyed was my phone. Now I have new phone, my Christmas present. It’s like I’m getting into a place of such desperate tiredness when no energy in the world is enough anymore.
So… since I failed the task of 11 happy moments, now I will have to find 11 things that drain me and move on from them.
Above was one of them. I cannot move on from that, just pray that she will not get sick again, so she can go to kindergarten every day.
The other one is ACCA. I just can’t anymore. At this point it requires too much of my mental bandwidth.
Then, another one is my main work. When urgent requests come out of the blue and usual reports are demanded faster or differently… I did have to learn new stuff in the past months also and more responsibilities were given to me…
But the most critical draining thing is… wait… I honestly micro-fell asleep while developing the above paragraph and lost the train of my thoughts. So yeah, I guess the lack of proper sleep. During 2021 I literally slept the less that I slept in all the other years in my life, including student years. Last night was terrible.
I hate New Years Eve… 1.5h of fireworks in the middle of the night. Crazy. When I still have to wake up at 6:30 to prepare milk and breakfast. I need to hire myself a chef. And a housekeeper.
People of my age fly helicopters.. and I’m complaining that I have to wash the floors and the toilets for 2h. I haven’t even been in a helicopter.