Author Archives: Stefania

5 years from now

I found a blog post that I wrote more than 6 years ago, in which I was asking (myself) where I would be after 5 years from that date. At that time I didn’t have any glimpse that in one year time I would have to leave my native country for.. many other years to come.

I think this human life is too short to get to know yourself properly. To acknowledge what you are capable of doing and achieving. We barely get out of diapers and then live through the 20 years of education system more like in a surviving mode. I mean, until you reach 23-24 years old you have no actual freedom of doing what you want with your life.

And then you get your first job, most probably in the field in which you majored. And after a couple of years you realize that maybe there is some other field that you would like to explore. So you go for it, because you don’t have much to lose, you are still entry-level anyway.

And life throws you through different fields, in the meanwhile you discover astrology and your own chart and study it in comparison with the ones of the people around you. And you learn that not everyone can be successful doing anything and some people have higher chances to succeed in a certain field, than others.

And you finally find your field and start growing in it and then you discover that you have colleagues with the same skills, which are almost a decade younger than you.

And now looking forward, you do see something amazing 5-10 years from now, but you can only see it from your perspective. One cannot form a functional team or a community just by oneself.

There is something that I dreamed about this week, pretty exhilarating. Why can’t change come in our lives always in a smooth, predictable way and comes like a lightning bolt of energy, that ripples through the space-time continuum messing up everything you thought you planned for yourself? I’m grateful though, that these contacts happen in my dreams first, so that reality will not take me too much by surprise… when it will actually happen.

But, unfortunately, once you dreamed about something, you somehow experienced it and an emotional print was left in you… and then you automatically set expectations. And reality seldom meets the expectations.

Ok, what I’m trying to explain is that asking someone and expecting an honest answer to the question “how do you see yourself in 5 years” makes no sense. I think a better question would be: “what are your development priorities now and how you have started (or planning to start) working towards achieving them?”. At least this question makes you think about your life, ahead, in a more effective way, with you being the main character in it.

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Caramele cu lapte si miere

Asta am visat azi-noapte. Nu dau mai multe detalii, despre cine mi le-a adus si cum am intrat in posesia lor, ca nu-mi place sa ma repet (prea des). Cert este ca aveam o masa plina de pungi si cutii cu bomboane, de care nici nu m-am atins, ca nu ma tentau (prea tare), am alte obiective acum.

Deci, cum spuneam, ma aflu in sezonul al 3-lea al serialului “Marea Slabire”. Stiu ca nu ai auzit de el, ca eu l-am inventat. Sezonul 1 a inceput in Mai 2010, iar sezonul 2 in Feb 2015. Acum am inceput deja din Ianuarie, ca sa fiu sigura.

Sambata se va difuza episodul al treilea, abia astept sa ma sui pe cantar. (Ma sui in fiecare zi oricum, am si un tabel, dar ziceam asa ca sa dau o nota dramatica). Sunt optimista, un episod pe saptamana, mai am 10 episoade pana ajung la capacitatea de a putea demonstra ca pot lua forma circulara.

Ca ariciul ala obez din Parcul Safari din Tel-Aviv, care a fost luat in boot-camp-ul de slabire, pentru ca nu se mai putea lega singur la sireturi.

Glumesc, desigur. Referitor la forma mea circulara, nu la sireturile ariciului.

Mi se derula toata ziua in cap cum voi scrie acest post de blog despre caramele, abia acum mi-am gasit timp, in timp ce mi se pregateste cina. Cum? Pai ce altceva? In serialul “Marea Slabire” la cina avem doar doi actori principali: Piept de pui si Mix royal de legume. Mai apare cate un guest star – 1 lingurita de ketchup sau de sos de soia.. Sau sos tartar, dar asta abia de pe la jumatatea sezonului incolo, ii place sa-si faca intrarea.

Maine seara cica ma duc la cursul de germana. Aplicatia meteo arata ninsoare si viscol. Mda… Am ramas si fara piept de pui. As putea declansa o situatie de criza. Dar va trebui sa mi-o rezolv tot singura.

Am rezistat si azi 5 km pe banda, am luat-o mai lent.. dar trebuie sa fac o pauza pana duminica, am inceput sa ma simt foarte obosita, abia am tras de mine azi-dimineata sa ma scol din pat, desi dormisem 8 ore jumate.. Noroc ca lucrez de acasa. M-a consumat un pic si focul de la centrala ca nu prea voia sa se aprinda.

Alaltaieri mi-am varsat pe perete, cafeaua proaspat facuta, noroc ca era in spatele calorifelului si n-a cazut cana jos, sa mai stau sa matur si dupa cioburi. Am sters doar pe jos, sub calorifer si mi-am facut alta. Si ramasesem si fara lapte, a trebuit sa pun coffetta si sa calculez si caloriile asteia. Dar ce probleme am si eu. 😀

Ok. Food is ready. Bye!

The promise of Peace

I just re-watched the last 2 episodes of The Vampire Diaries. Some things made a little more sense now, even aligning with what I was believing inside.

Yesterday I said some things to someone and then I was so surprised when I realized that tears are starting to make room on my face. I remembered that YouTube documentary about that little girl who never ate. When she was induced into crying by her therapist, in order to let go all the trauma she had lived in her first years of life and heal herself. And be able to eat normally, for the first time in her life.

But I didn’t want to cry, not there and not in that moment, I tried to bookmark the thing that triggered my deep emotions, to revisit it when I will be alone at home, but now I cannot remember what it was.

You know, on one way I felt angry, like, “What are you trying to do to me, here? It took me over 30 years to learn how to be tough, now you are telling me that I am allowed to cry?” “That crying is also a language in itself, that expresses things and that others should respect?” “I mean, barely now?” “I was longing for this moment for so long that I learned how to soothe myself alone, it’s ok, that moment will never come, maybe not everyone is meant to.”

I felt, maybe for the first time ever, unconditionally loved. It was scary. I felt how I was given a voice. I was there before, I remember it, around 10 years ago, when I was encouraged to dig that way, but it didn’t end well. The Voice of my own soul, nobody has ever the time/mood/patience/energy to listen to it completely.

Probably some things are to be let buried, in Peace, for centuries. Even superficial Peace, that may appear to be. And cover them with millions of tones of sand and build a new self over them.

I remember the last time I poured my soul out, sobbing for about one hour, last year, in the day I was notified my promotion is officially approved, just a couple of hours before that actually, due to a series of badly synchronized events. I started crying when I felt like my whole world and everything I knew real in it is falling apart. It felt like dying, it felt completely surreal, but, on some level, it felt good. Not the crying, but the possibility of a completely turned upside down world. Because it meant that, now, even other impossible things might happen.

It’s been 4 months and 5 days now… from a different event. Not that I’m counting, I’m just surprised. Who knows, maybe I found my Peace.

I love you. And I am very aware now of why I’m writting it. Everybody needs love, honestly, it doesn’t really matter from where it’s comming as long as you are open to receive it.

It’s ok, even if this world will fall appart, there is still water and sand enough in it to build a new one. 🙂

So I bought myself a Treadmill

I had the idea on Christmas day, I did intensive research for 2 days, I convinced Leo to drive us to shop, 15 min away, I tested it there and purchased it on 27th.

It was delivered home, into the room, on 29th, it weights 97 kg, so it took a bit of skills for Leo and me to put it together into place. We had previously turned upside down the whole living room down stairs, I literally replaced the couch – that dark hole that was eating most of my left-over stamina, after work – with the treadmill.

And I also gave up that computer, I decided not to install it back into place, so now I can eat in peace every time and concentrate on eating only. Besides I have tablet and phone for Facebook and such and Netflix and YouTube work also on the huge flat screen from upstairs.

I also started using again myfitnesspal and following through diligently, coming each time with new ideas to combine my foods in order to have, in average, around 1200 Net Calories per day.

I mean, to eat healthy, 3 meals at +/- fix hours, plus 1 or 2 snacks, there are so many things that you can include in just 1400-1500 calories per day. I usually plan the menu for the whole day in the evening before, so I will not be caught craving other stuff. I focus on what I can eat and not on what I cannot, but actually I can eat pretty much anything, as long as I combine them in a day, into the target values.

I was waiting to write this until I had enough time testing the treadmill, to have something to write about. I love it. I mean, it is nothing too special, a 3.5 HP motor with 140 cm band length, just enough for me.

It doesn’t have bluetooth so it cannot be connected with apps on the tablet, even the menu is pretty simple, maybe it has some history or memory function but I couldn’t find them yet. It was 3-4000 crowns more, a model also with that app functionality, so I decided the simplest the better, at the end of the day the app is not gonna burn the fat for me, it would only eat me unnecessary time, while analysing the reports.

The thing is… On Christmas day we went eating at Tom’s for lunch and then we decided to walk a round of lake.. which is around 4.5 km. Must have been months since last time I did a round of Olesna. Just before the end of the round, on the bridge, I felt like jogging, increasing the speed towards the end. Which resulted in a somewhat twisted knee ligament. I mean, I don’t know exactly what happened, I just know that I had to wrap it in elastic bandage and rub it with Voltaren for 2 days and 2 nights, I was barely able to walk down the stairs, as I don’t have much pain endurance, I’m afraid I will make the damage worse if I’m experiencing pain.

When, at the shop, I had the luck to test the machine – on the website it was written they don’t have that model on stock, but looks like they did have it – I was so scared because I was still wearing the bandage underneath my jeans. But it was really a miracle, the few hundred meters that I jogged while testing the treadmill I didn’t experience any pain at all, which made me realize how important and useful the Shock Absorbing System is.

Then, I was barely able to walk to the car without complaining at each step, I was thinking “am I crazy? how can I buy myself a treadmill when I can barely walk? what if I will not be able to use it and it will just be money wasted?”

And now I’m so satisfied that I did buy it! It changed my mood completely. I took this activity seriously from the beginning, I’m keeping a pair of running shoes only for it (the pink ones, I cleaned them properly after Israel) and each time I’m exercising using only proper active-wear. Then the shower after, changing back into clean home-clothes, that I carefully prepared ahead, so I would not have to waste time around the house searching, while sweated. I even created myself a playlist on YouTube specially for this and I was happy to realize that most of the songs in it have a 6.6 or 7 km/h beat rhythm, which is my “resting” peace.

Now regarding my plan and my achievements so far.

In the first evening, on the 29th, I wanted to test if my right knee got into optimum mode again, so I only did 3 km, which took me 30 min. Very bad I know, but I had no expectations, I just wanted to see how my mind and my body are handling the activity, considering I currently have some kg more than what I am usually used to have, but I am on a steady plan for melting them down.

As it was weekend, I used it also on the 30th and the 31st – 2 times on 31st, first 2 km after breakfast and second time, at around 17 h, when I experienced the first 5k with it, which took me a bit under 47 min.

It was ok, I was happy that I saw improvement in the average speed, after each session. And then I decided to exercise 1 day with 1 day rest. It’s perfect!

I was very surprised when I achieved my 2nd round of 5k with 3 min faster. And the 3rd round of 5k – which was today – with 3 more min faster, which means today I achieved 5k in a bit under 41 min. This is a true record for me!

I mean I did push myself, but enough to still be aware of my overall status, I am pretty familiar with fainting, since young age, even if nothing hurts, so I learned when I can push and when I should reduce the speed and take my time to breathe.

For the 2nd and 3rd session I have started a system of alternates between 12 km/h for 30, 40 or 60 sec, with longer resting periods at 5.8, 6 or 6.6 or 7 km/h, depending of the beat of the song and how high I feel my own heartbeat.

Overall, the important thing is to not push too much until fainting, considering I have to survive also a hot shower after, especially those late afternoons when I’m home alone, but I learned that having a bowl of fresh fruit salad, 15-30 min before the activity, it’s perfect to keep my glucose and electrolytes in balance. And I always have a small bottle of water next to me, from which I take regular sips, which helps a lot. I like to start at around 17 h, right after finishing work, so I can have enough time to cool down until preparing dinner.

Long story short: I am so proud of me, first of all, because nobody inspired me to do this big investment, everything came just from inside of me and it fitted perfectly into place; second, because I have just made Leo realize that it is a good idea and the time to replace the old rug from downstairs and tonight we just bought a new dark-beige one, which was intended completely fluffyless, in order to discourage Bonnie’s fur to glue deep into it.

I can hardly wait on Saturday to wipe with Pronto Wax all the parket in the room and install the new piece!

A, I forgot to mention how capable I felt when I was able to figure out and to loosen the screws of the belt, lubricate it and then properly screw them back, in order to keep the belt aligned, as, when it came from the box, it was a bit deflected towards the left and it was making a soft whoosh sound, each round, in the place of the fitting, so I considered that it should not be happening. I even saw the motor and the circuits board, it was so cool! And I carefully aligned it on perfect horizontal position, as on the parket it was not quite straight, but Leo helped here a bit :).

2018 (year vibration 11/2; personal year 5)

Last week I found a Language School in Frydek (actually it was recommended to me), I went there and I talked about the possibility to start following Czech for foreigners and continue with my German (at this point I would sign up even for an advanced English class, only to get out from the house more, plus I am aware that my acquired English grammar skills might not be entirely correct). It would be great if these will materialize, if they will have groups suitable for my current level starting January.

And I don’t know what else to write, I haven’t been in moods for writing lately, it’s weird, I don’t even know how these days passed, since Wednesday when I started the vacation I have been sleeping at least 10 hours each day and still feel depleted of energy.

Yeah, it’s hard after a certain age to keep finding (realistically achievable) things that excite you. It feels like I lived so much lately, I need to rest, mostly mentally.

2017, which was a 22/4 personal year for me, was a high energy draining year (thank you, Saturn!), but I did achieve significantly great things in it:

  • I used my new passport when I flew over the Atlantic for the first time, had my feet on another continent aside from Europe, also into the Pacific and in the Caribbean Sea, saw the Chichen Itza and many others;
  • had a road trip with Leo in the summer, from Frydek-Mistek until Campulung, in the new car, through Balea Lake and then also to Never Sea by train;
  • achieved promotion again at work, 3 years after the first one (which I actually consider the 2nd one, I consider the 1st one when I was transferred to the Czech Republic);
  • I used my passport for the 2nd time, for a trip to Israel, where I touched the Mediterranean Sea from the other side and also the Dead Sea, I saw the first Sun Halo ever in my life, I saw the tomb of Jesus and many others;
  • I grew my own tomato plants and ate tomatoes from them; also had many other flowers, few of them being already in small pots at 2nd generation; bought even an olive tree and after I came back from Israel I noticed it had bloomed;
  • I signed up for Astrology School, online, in Romanian. Although I couldn’t catch up with all the material so far (as I had signed in for all 3 modules + numerology), I discovered so many interesting things which filled my blank spots – the most important one being the Ethics module.
  • I put on 8 more kg than what I had last year at this time.. yeah, where do you think all this new information is being stored for processing?!
  • other things, that I should not give too much importance to them.

Long story short.. dear blog, dear readers, keep safe, see you next year! Hmm, 2018 is like 2009, numerologically speaking, what bad things I did in 2009 (thinking of trying to fix them)?

Your Heart back

I started watching “Once upon a time”. OMG, I love it so much, episode by episode I’m getting so much into it! I don’t know why I didn’t start it by now, it’s running for over 6 years. Yeah, maybe because there is a timing for everything.

It brings me so many revelations with things that happened in my life or in my previous lives. Ok, I’m trying to create a mystery story here, I need to add drama, bear with me, even if you think you don’t believe in previous lives. Thanks.

So, I was thinking, if in a previous life I was the Bad Queen that took the Huntsman’s Heart, what would I have to do to give it back to him? I was searching on Google but nobody seems to get my question correctly: I don’t want to give him space, I don’t want to win his Heart for him to come back to me, I just want to give his Heart back, completely, the one that supposedly I took. So he could have a Heart too and be completely free from me. And I would stop dreaming about him.

My intuition already got me an answer. But honestly, that I couldn’t do. Not because I don’t have enough sacrificing spirit in me (and I already know that it is not appreciated anyway), but because it is literally insane, I mean we have to make a difference between fantasy and reality and, for the time being, I couldn’t live without a heart, if I were to give it to you. You have to have your own, somewhere hidden in this universe.

Or find another solution. A, wait, I already said we should not confuse fantasy with reality here, so realistically the ability of feeling love, is not dependent on the physical organ called Heart. So I guess it will work! I can fix it, I just have to find out exactly how. Maybe I will dream about it. 😀

Yeah, this is what Saturn transit conjunct to natal Neptune does. Blog posts like this.

… “into the water”

Yeah, after a stop for the performances from X Factor Romania, I came back to this song.

I don’t have much to write today, I kinda feel all over the place, I just wanted to share that yesterday I ended up having lunch and also dinner at the restaurant, by cause of ineffective communication of plans. I blame it on Mercury Retrograde :D. Lunch at Tom’s at Olesna and dinner at Jiny Svet (fancy one).

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And I also cleaned all the house – upstairs in the morning and downstairs after lunch – and I made a symbolic Christmas Tree (We reached a compromise, as Leo wanted no tree at all, for reasons of his own.)

[…]

Did I mention on my birthday I will have New Moon conjunct my Sun? And transit Venus conjunct Jupiter and transit Jupiter conjunct Venus. And retrograde Mercury conjunct South Node. I’m still searching for interpretations for these.

When you’re feeling lost

It’s ok, find a bench, sit and take a deep breath. Nobody is more “found” anyway. At least this is the belief that keeps me on the floating line on the time being: the truth is relative and nobody knows the future, they only believe it.

In the worse case, you can go talk to that priest and ask him. He will surely direct you to the nearest toilet. (I read this somewhere I don’t remember where, no offense, it was a joke, take it as one).

I mean, there are so many thoughts and ideas and potential decisions that run through my head, but I need to “bounce” them by someone first, to see how realistic they are, through someone else’s eyes. Someone with enough life experience (preferably in my fields of “expertise”) to consult me. Maybe because, if the things will not work out, after deciding to head in a certain direction, to have someone to blame. 😀 Or to have someone with whom to share the fruits.

I’ve been listening on repeat the same song, almost continuously since yesterday after work. I’m not sharing it here, I’m only saying that I’m surprised (in a sad way) that it got no likes, in the place where I found it. Or maybe I don’t have enough clearance to see them. Anyway… I’ve been meditating last night, when I was not able to fall asleep, that I should burn that bridge completely, I was trying to convince myself that I will be ok without it, but then I remembered I did it already a couple of times and I still built it back. So I’m searching for a more permanent solution this time.

Christina’s video reminded of my London experience. I had just turned 25 when I left, literally, I left just the next morning, I had a contract for a job as cosmetics promoter with an Israelian company and a place to live in, a bed in a shared room, provided by the company. Maybe I was too young, but I freaked out after just one week, it was not suiting me, I was always behind with the training and completely lacking in confidence to do what the other girls were doing so effortlessly. Omg, I mean there were too many coincidences that were happening and at one point I did feel like I completely lost it. Or finally got it. Reality. And when none of the other girls seemed to be able to bring me back to my senses, I was called by the manager and was asked to release the position and the room asap.

Only I know how I managed to keep myself calm and to come back, I remember at one point I simply stopped caring anymore, about anything, I was walking around the streets of London with completely no purpose. I was feeling so free. And I met an old man and we started talking and I went with him to his shelter for a hot tea with milk. I mean, I didn’t feel I was in any danger, everything was so natural, like normal people that just met on a bench in front of a cathedral (at least this is what I remember), with no hidden agenda. Then, I took my suitcase and I took the train towards the airport with only the exact amount of pounds left for a plane ticket to come back, simply letting life happen, anything could have happened. But it didn’t. And barely after I got my boarding pass I understood why I have to come back. Omg, such an “out of the comfort zone” adventure that I had in those two weeks when I spent 800 pounds. And when I came back my parents said it’s ok, I don’t have to feel sorry for failing, I should consider that money like a present from them for my 25th birthday. Which kinda pissed me off.. but that’s a different topic.

And then I left again in 2012, I was 28 & 1/2 years old, I remember the money I had with me when I left lasted only until the beginning of September, when I spent the whole morning in a Sunday (was it Sunday or Saturday?) in the search for that Western Union office where my mom had sent some more money to help me survive for one more week, until my first pay-czech. :D.

And here I am now, still here (more or less), 5 years and (almost) 4 months later. I’m ok. I did freak out here also, various times, but it looks like it was not enough to be sent back, I was building something good each time, at the end of the day. It’s ok here, more than ok, actually, it’s above average now, as the standard of living in this country, but I still have the feeling that something is missing. I mean, with the years passing, my expectations about my life achievements increased also. And I’ve been through so much bad stuff, like serious life-changing stuff. Yet nothing changed. I’m so fucking lonely. Even considering.

And what is really creepy is that it feels much more comfortable to write on my blog about it, than to reach out to someone to talk to. Anyone at all. Or to actually do anything in any direction, that would change this for me. I’ve converted myself into a complete introvert. Or maybe I had it in me all along.

I mean, when I never leave the house (the home-office) how can I get lost? I know very much my way around my blog, Facebook, Instagram etc. (No wonder now I have vitamin D deficiency!). When traveling, on vacation, this does not count – I’m like a completely different person when it comes to traveling. I’m talking about the normal day-to-day life. The rest of one’s life. The other 47 weeks of each year.

I don’t think I have a thing for wanting too much to be accepted by someone. Especially when that someone is more special than another someone, in that particular life. I think my thing is a desperate need to accept myself. Accept what I didn’t have the chance to discover about myself so far. And what I will never get the chance to discover at all, during this lifetime. Heart(h)s instead of eyes. I mean, how can I burn such a deep warm genuine smile that this brings to my life?

Have faith, everything is going to be ok :)

I’ve been meaning to write a blog post with the title “also fat and ugly people have the right to feel good”.

I mean, is not easy to say this, but I feel like I have a karma for getting fat, more than just a genetic predisposition, so that I can understand what overweight people live through.

It’s my third time already when I find myself with 10 kg more than what I should “normally” have, for my height. What makes it harder this time is that I lived through all these kg, I was seeing how they were stocking up day by day, but I couldn’t do anything about them, I was busy with achieving something else, which consumed me more than I had imagined, when I set that goal for myself. And when I achieved that goal, I noticed I was already caught too deep in a negative emotional state of mind.

Being this the third time, it means I succeeded 2 times already to get back to the good weight and I can say that (for me) 90% of a successful diet is emotional balance, 9% is mental balance, 1% is timing. And the rest is food and sport. 😀

But the biggest problem is that “the 1% timing” needs to come first. The moment when the stars align. It’s an alchemical process that changes everything: the click. That flash of visualization, that everything is going to be ok, no matter what.

That moment when you become aware (again) that everything is going to be ok, even if you say NO.

In Tel-Aviv I met a lady that truly impressed me. Long, curled, blonde hair, perfect smile and a very radiant face. Professional psychotherapist and astrologer. Overweight, but in the right places, very feminine. My face literally dropped when she told me she is 64 years old and she has a daughter almost my age. How I met her? She was occupying the bed behind me, in the same dormitory. 🙂

We exchanged charts, I commented hers, she commented mine, and for a moment I had such an amazing feeling that I was seeing a future version of myself, with good and bad. It was so amazing to see a human being, flesh and blood, in front of me, speaking fluent astrologish. She said she is traveling continuously for the past 5 years and doing remote consultations. I found it amazing yet also very scary, not having a fixed home anymore.

Among some spiritual advice, from which, how to take care of my (dominant) 5th chakra, she told me I might have Vitamin D deficiency. I don’t remember exactly what I was telling her in that moment, but this advice did surprise me, as I never thought of this. And just the second day I forgot about it. And when I came back from Israel I caught a cold. Again. This is what happens when you come from 22 degrees to -5.

Today I was at my general practitioner, for the follow-up after my mandatory preventive blood analyses. The first thing he gave me was a prescription for Vitamin D, saying that this is the reason why I’m catching a cold so often.

I discovered in Tel-Aviv

  • A full circle rainbow & The Motto of Tel-Aviv:

The first thing we learn in school about rainbows is that they are formed on the opposite side of the sun and you cannot capture both the sun and the rainbow in the same picture. But turns out you can (ok, it’s called Sun Halo and Circumzenithal Arc) I discovered it when I went walking on the first morning, just above the hostel:

  • Many interesting flowers:
  • The Al-Bahr Mosque tower and Tel-Aviv seen from Old Jaffa:
  • Palms, Skyscrapers, planes and the Tower of the old Mosque:

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  • A lovely tiny shy Crab (for which I patiently waited some minutes to gather the courage to get out) and another equally brave creature:
  • Things I dare you to decipher:
  • The Gate of Faith, “Briza Marii” (sculpture made by an artist born in Romania), the Zodiac Fountain and the amazing colors of the interior of the St Peter’s Church:
  • My Lunch, the Rainbow building and the Altalena memmorial stone:
  • My pink new shoes (and how fat I became this year):
  • The Sunset over the Mediterranean Sea (not to brag, but admit the picture of the boat is breath-taking):