Author Archives: Stefania

5 years in CZ… and a wish

Yeah, exactly 5 years ago I landed on the Václav Havel Airport with a big suitcase and a backpack. I had bought a return after 3 months, in case I would not like it or they won’t keep me after the trial period. I still have the backpack, it’s amazing, I washed it countless times in the washing machine and it still looks perfect. I wonder if I still have that suitcase, must be somewhere in Leo’s storage room.

I remember Oana and Octavian were expecting me at the airport and then they took me to my accommodation. A place that I found on the internet and then Oana and Ale inspected on site and arranged with the girl there, 1 week or so, before my arrival. It was on Ruska street. They had a tom-cat that was always sleeping in my side of the dresser, over my clothes.

When I arrived I left my suitcase and I went with O&O to the pub next to the building and we ate something. I remember I had pasta with broccoli and chicken and garlic and I couldn’t even eat it all, I brought home half of it. And I had a pivo. And Oana was teaching me how to read the stuff from the menu: polevka, omachka, prilohy… My first words in Czech in the first month were the foods.

And then at the end of October the trial evaluation came. She told me they were not satisfied with my performance, but that he recognized my potential and voted for me to give me another chance, another 3 months trial. I had a one week vacation in Ro after that and it felt so weird. Aa.. and I was also a bit crazy, I combined that week with 3 days in London, in November, because I got pissed of by the fact that a plane ticket to Prague from Bucharest, by CSA or Tarom, was more expensive than to fly to London and then from London to Prague, by Wizz Air.

Looking back at that time, I was feeling like a double outsider – desintegrated from RO but not integrated in CZ either. I mean, the work requirements were not that difficult, objectively speaking, is just that I was getting distracted so easily by the other people around. In the first month I had a crush on the Taurus guy, then on the Libra guy, then on the Scorpio guy..  each time I was forgetting what I had learned until that point…

The problem in the first 3 months was that I needed a lot of space to figure out what’s happening and I was so drained by everything, so I had no more power to do anything to change that. I was sharing a room with a Russian student whose favorite house clothes were an unbuttoned shirt and a bikini. I’m very serious. She was making me feel pretty uncomfortable. And I was paying 5000+internet, because apparently it was near-centre location.

Anyway, somehow, at the beginning of December things started to shift according to my needs. At one point it looks like a perfect storm happened. Oana told me that there is a free room in a flat in Stodulky. Oana, you were my life-savior, I will be forever grateful. It was literally 7 min away from Nove Butovice.

I stayed there 1 year, 5200 per month (all utilities included). And then, in the tram home, after the Christmas Party of 2012, Leo kissed me. Then I moved to the new place, in my own room and I took the opportunity of the winter vacation to review all my training notes and when I came back to work I started meeting all the expectations, one by one, like magic.

In February 2013 I visited Leo’s lair, in Přírodní. It was taking us 1 &1/2h to commute by public transportation between our places. Until December 2013, when the project which brought me was in the process of terminating and I was offered another position in a different project, this time in Chodov. So I decided to take all my stuff and move to Leo, because it was also much easier to go to office from there, although I was physically there just 2-3 times per week.

But don’t worry, the hardship didn’t end, apparently in Leo’s lair meat and eggs were prohibited… I accepted it, more like a challenge. Which, combined with working from home, was a very bad combination on my metabolism and suddenly one day I noticed I’m 12 kg more than when I arrived in CZ… which I managed to lose back in the first half of 2015… thanks to myfitnesspal and runkeeper and to the person from which I got inspired to use these apps.

In May 2014 due to family events Leo had to move back to his home town. So now I ended up commuting between Frydek-Mistek and Prague… I was 2 weeks there, 2 weeks there, more or less. Until June 2015, when I decided that I had enough of moving around and I closed the renting of the Prague apt and I moved here. I like to call it Mystic Falls.

But don’t worry, the trial still didn’t end, considering that first 4&1/2 months from 2016 I spent in hospital…. Yeah, and then I had another 1/2 day visit for a procedure with general anesthesia in November…

But then… somehow… 2017 came. And somehow the positive storm started to come back. I flew over the Atlantic, alone. And I had my feet in the Pacific, in Puerto Vallarta and in the Caribbean Sea at Isla Mujeres and Tulum.

And then team-building came, one day trip, 20 km walking and hiking. And that team-game with the cards. Legendary! We are such a great team, even if we see all of us together barely a couple of times in a year.

And 3 months later, which is now, I’m kept awake at night by the idea of flying to Argentina next spring, for 3 weeks. Making totally realistic plans.. 1225 EUR the plane ticket to Buenos Aires with Aerolineas Argentina. And then local flights to Bariloche and Puerto Iguazu. They have hostels there also, at least in these 3 places I want to be, 15 eur/bed. Food, let’s aprox 30 eur/day. Ok, I would like to see also Santiago and Montevideo, since they are there close, at the throw of a stick, relatively. 😀

And Ushuaia, the so called “at the end of the world”, in the southern hemisphere. With a small stop at Los Glaciares. But I really don’t want to do all that alone and Leo already said no… So now I’m praying for the Universe to send me someone who would like to be my travel companion to Argentina. I speak Spanish fluently btw.

I’ll be here for you

Such a deep sentence. I wonder if the person who wrote it has considered all the depth that can be extracted from it. Anyway, I’d wish to lock in a jar all these little things and open them up whenever I feel under the weather. And under the water, also. Just like a security net, created by positive affirmations, through which I resonate.

I had such an intense day – from the work perspective, that I had forgotten what I dreamed about, until I listened to that song and the lyrics opened me up… into another dimension. A dimension where I allow myself to feel, even if I cannot afford the luxury to attribute them to me anymore, I think I can dive into a role for a while. I mean, in the end it doesn’t really matter from where the inspiration comes, if you can create something out of it. Impersonate unconditional feelings, on electronic paper. And I stress impersonate, so don’t associate anything from this post with me, as it seems to get even more exciting and I can’t be held responsible for the potential damages.

I got so used to these dreams that they’ve lost the element of excitement, they got too familiar, all extracted only through my own subconscious resonance, with no input what so ever from the other side. Although I do remember I woke up with a very interesting energy. Some energy that I felt seldom, after dreaming with that particular character. I might say it was even happiness, would you believe it?! So deep. So dramatic. So worth living for, even if it’s just during the night. Some might say. Because, as I wrote above, I cannot afford the luxury, for me, to still believe it. Although, I admit I was looking for such a deep song all morning, to match it with the dream, but it’s ok that I didn’t find, because I wouldn’t have done anything all day, should I have allowed myself to step inside, even deeper.

So now I remembered scene by scene, everything that I dreamed last night. And it was quite a lot. But I’m still disappointed, because I couldn’t memorize correctly (and remember) those numbers.. the apartment number and some other code, that I was trying to write in my phone memos, hoping.. Although something tells me I could match the door number with 599.

Ok, so I was in the building. I don’t know how I got there. There is actually a particular building and some streets that I always dream about, although they look nothing like the ones from reality. Funny is that I never even saw or been in the ones from reality.

Leaving aside what these things represent for me, I would really be curious to find out what are the interpretations of this dream, from a person who doesn’t know any of the history behind it, aside from the actual dream scenario, that I am comfortable enough to share below.

Ok, so at one point I got to the right floor. It was a long corridor with white walls, and a lot of white doors, all looking the same at the first view, although there was a bit dark so they looked more like grey. I got at the end of the corridor, where it was a balustrade with a big window that was showing outside and big flowers pots next to it, and, on my left side, I was able to match his name, although somehow distorted, with the door. Except that, instead of a normal home, it was a cafeteria 😀 Some sort of cafe-music place. It was called Cafe Nicole. Yeah.. this I do remember!…

And then I saw the news on TV and the owner appeared on the news, awarded as an inspiring person of the community, asking for donations to complete his project.

Yeah, and there was another scene. Before or after the one from above. Or maybe even in the same time. But I’m not gonna share that one. It’s like if I think I’m in love, I’m the only one who’ll ever know.

In another dream, a couple of weeks ago, he was so happy and excited and I asked him what happened recently that made him so vibrant and he told me that he finally found the bug in that AMOS… Imagine my surprise when I searched on google the next morning, as I had no idea what that is. And if it was really a thing at all. What is even more fascinating is that everything happens only in that small box, covered by my dark-blonde, bronzed hair.

PS. I just remembered something else, somehow, either in the papers from the Cafe or at the news I saw mentions that the owner was married. It gets even more interesting.. I pity my future dream interpretations therapist. 😀

Time dilation

Last night when I was half awake, half asleep, a night moth crashed against the dormitory window, just above my head. One second later, I started feeling how every cell of my body begins to hurt.

The thing is… in the state in which I was, in the process of slowly diving into the dreamworld, after the brain had already disconnected the body (what they call sleep paralysis), I experimented time much more slower that usual. Like watching a movie recorded by a slow motion camera, where you notice so many details that you wouldn’t have been able to notice at the normal rate.

My brain was so awake and its processes so clear! When the brain released the adrenaline, as the first response to the noise, it instantly had to re-plug also the body, to activate it for potential movement, and this process created a certain amount of pain, due to a higher blood flow through the relaxed arteries.

That clear that I was able to perceive in the same time, in parallel, my physical, spiritual and emotional body, in such a way that, when the brain initiated the flood of adrenaline, I even visualized it, as a simple chemically-organic process, just like a drop of red ink into a jar of still clear water.

And I concluded that the fear was acknowledged by another part of the brain, after recording the high adrenaline level of the blood. So first it was an unconscious response to the outside’s events, as an adrenaline injection, and barely after, it was the acknowledged scare. Such an amazing brain we have! To be able to engage in the fight mode even before we realize that we may have to fight.

And then, another part of the brain matched that particular noise with one of a crashing night-moth, on the other side of the window, which meant there was no real reason for alert, so it ordered a new injection, this time of endorphin, which diminished the heart beat, to a rate compatible with a pleasant dreaming mode.

I mean, my brain interpreted that noise as a moth flying straight into the glass, but I cannot say for sure that this is what it happened, because I haven’t seen it. It was yet another part of the brain which decided that it was more important at that time for me to invent a calming, plausible justification and go back to sleep as fast as possible.

And all this happened maybe in just a couple of seconds, last night. And, in another second, I pressed “save” and “mark as important”, so the brain will remember it and bring it back into consciousness, at some point tomorrow, to write it on the blog. And I did remember it, with no external help, at around 8 PM, when I was returning from groceries shopping.

And then it took me a couple of hours to find the proper moment and the energy to carve it, in an everlasting form, over this white sheet of electronic papyrus.

North Node conjunct Midheaven

I mean, transiting North Node, will conjunct my Midheaven with maximum on August 16th. And also the Sun will transit conjunct my Midheaven with maximum on the same day. Cool, huh?

5 years ago (and 5 days before that) I was landing in Czech Republic. 😀

On August 25th Saturn will turn direct, passing one more time over my Jupiter-Sun-Neptune from my 2nd House. As if my poor Sun didn’t become responsible enough by now..

Next time when NN will pass over my MC will be in March 2036. I will be celebrating (almost) 30 years of working at that time.

Next time I will have Saturn pass over my Sun it will be around my birthday in 2046. First time it was at the end of 1987 (when I had just turned 4..). Is it bad to say that one of the main things that keep me alive is my deep curiosity of experiencing all this Saturn cycle (one more time)? I would probably be soon to retire from work at that time. I would maybe even live on a different planet by then. Who knows?!

You know, a funny thing, they say to live each day like it would be your last. And then you wake up again. And again. And again. And again. And once again you’d have to swipe the shards of all the glasses that you broke while partying too hard the day before (metaphorically).

I think it would be much wiser to live as if you would have to live also tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after. So you put the computer to sleep at 23:00 sharp each odd day (even if that finds you in the middle of one exciting Everwood episode) – respectively 22:30 each even day, because you need time for shower also – brush your teeth & go to bed, because you know you have a long working day tomorrow and the only person whom you’d be causing harm by wasting your night sleep is still you, because you will still have to do the same work load and being not properly slept it would only cause you frustration because you will not be able to focus at the optimum capacity and you will make mistakes and you will still be the only one who would have to discover them (months later) and fix them and your long term plans of advancement will be delayed one more time and you will have to do that excruciatingly manual and repetitive work yet again. And again. And again. Like the levels of Pokemon Go (sorry, I don’t have experience with computer games). Ok, now breathe. 😀

It’s funny. Looks like this Saturn transit managed to discipline me in a very reality grounding way. And not necessarily because of need, as, because of ambition. Yeah.

So why would I want to stress my future children with discipline from a young age? Has Saturn time enough for everything and everyone… at the proper time. I would only show them their map and that’s it, they’ll know what and when to expect. 😀

PS. Nothing exciting happens in Everwood. I started watching it because of Paul Wesley, exactly from that episode, from the middle of season 2, when he entered the series. But then I got captivated by Amy and.. what was the name of that dude, again? that one who speaks so mature for his own age and always pretends to play piano? Yeah, that one.. 😀 Exactly.

Despre disciplina

Meditez si eu, la nemurirea sufletului… Adica sunt constienta ca neavand copii (inca) nu pot decat sa visez asupra subiectului de crescut si educat copiii. Dar, datorita faptului ca si eu am fost odata copil, la randul meu, cred ca am anumite cunostinte cu care sa jonglez..

Am mai scris undeva (sau am incercat sa scriu) ca urasc disciplina. Atat cuvantul cat si actul in sine. O sa incerc sa explic de ce, dar si alternative pe care imi doresc sa le aplic eu in educatia viitorilor mei copii.

Ca o mica paranteza, mie intotdeauna mi s-a spus ca traiesc cu capul in nori sau ca nu sunt ancorata in realitate. De catre parinti, de catre colegi, de catre bullies, de catre primii angajatori… Si o mare parte din viata mea chiar am crezut asta. Chiar am crezut ca traiam cu capul in nori. De ce traiam cu capul in nori? Pai datorita mai multor cauze. Dar nu intru in detaliile educatiei mele si in problemele ei, ca nu mai ies nici dupa 100 de posturi de blog, ci doar voi incerca sa explic cum imi doresc sa procedez eu cu copilul/copiii mei.

  • nu-l voi pedepsi niciodata doar de dragul de a-l pedepsi. de fapt, nu o sa-l pedepsesc niciodata. punct.

Nu-l voi pedepsi niciodata lasandu-l singur “sa mediteze asupra faptului” sau restrictionandu-i accesul la activitatile preferate, care faceau parte din rutina lui. Nu-l vor disciplina, in cel mai rau caz il vor face bipolar. Nu glumesc. Nici macar nu voi mentiona cuvantul pedeapsa de fata cu el. Dar il voi indruma, il voi invata la fiecare pas si ii voi explica posibilele consecinte, mentinandu-l in acelasi timp ancorat in realitate.

Il voi invata responsabilitatea si organizarea timpului si a activitatilor. Il voi invata ambitia de a se auto-depasi, dar nu-l voi pedepsi niciodata pentru greseli. Da stiu, nu se va intampla din momentul in care va veni acasa de la maternitate, dar voi incerca pe cat posibil sa-i introduc o rutina zilnica, o structura a activitatilor.

  • nu-i voi desconsidera niciodata creatiile

Il voi incuraja intotdeauna sa progreseze, il voi invata atat cat stiu eu si il voi indruma sa caute invatator in continuare, daca pe mine va ajunge sa ma depaseasca subiectul.

Eu consider ca din momentul in care copilul vorbeste in propozitii intelege absolut tot ce-i spui, atat timp cat nu iesi din mediul lui familiar. Sunt 100% convinsa ca unui copil nu trebuie sa-i repeti de 10 ori acelasi lucru. (Asta presupunand ca nici tu si nici el nu sunteti sever incapacitati mintal).

Copilul e mult mai prezent decat adultul, traieste mult mai ancorat in realitate decat adultul, chiar daca pare ciudat (iti explic daca vrei, in privat, cum am ajuns la concluzia asta), iar daca el nu schiteaza un gest ca ar fi inteles din prima, nu trebuie sa-i repeti.

Treci mai departe. Ii vei explica acelasi lucru in 10 moduri diferite, pana rezoneaza cu explicatia si cu motivatia, dar pe principiul azi o data – ii explici intr-un fel, maine sau poimaine – a doua oara, ii explici in alt fel etc. Cam ca la diversificare asa.

Dar nu uita ca el va absorbi inclusiv cum ii explici, ce gesturi faci, ce tonalitate a vocii folosesti, ce se aude in fundal, cum miroase in jur, cu ce esti imbracat, ce alunita ai pe mana dreapta, ce cicatrice ai pe mana stanga etc.

Si da, il voi lasa intotdeauna sa faca ce vrea el, pentru ca nu-mi va fi niciodata frica de posibilele actiuni ale lui. Voi avea grija sa-i ofer suficiente metode de stimulare mentala si emotionala incat sa nu fie nevoie sa-si doreasca sa faca lucruri imorale, ilegale sau care vor cauza suferinta lui sau a altor oameni/vietati.

Si da, il voi lasa sa invete si singur din propriile lui actiuni, dar ma voi asigura in primul rand ca se simte iubit, inteles si in siguranta cu mine si nu va cauta asta in locurile nepotrivite.

  • voi fi cat mai deschisa emotional posibil catre el

Inteligenta emotionala este un subiect de care m-am interesat de cand m-am intersectat prima oara cu notiunea de “alexitimie”. Am ajuns la concluzia sumbra ca generatia mea si a parintilor mei are o inteligenta emotionala care tine spre 0(zero). Ca idee: daca nu stii sa explici (nici macar tie insuti) de ce faci un anumit lucru, care te face sa te simti incomfortabil, inseamna ca esti manipulat.

Apoi, datorita astrologiei, am ajuns sa studiez suficient de multe circumstante, posibile si imposibile, mai mult sau mai putin metaforice, de a intelege ceea ce simt ceilalti, in raport cu tine, iar premiza de la care am plecat, de fiecare data, e ca absolut fiecare om e diferit, fiecare psihic e diferit si fiecare situatie e diferita.

Fiecare moment e unic si absolut fiecare moment creaza.

  • voi incerca pe cat posibil sa nu-l mint sau sa-l induc in eroare, pe motiv ca e prea mic sa inteleaga sau “ca sa nu se streseze prea tare, sa-si traiasca copilaria”

Il voi invata valoarea banilor pe masura capabilitatii lui de a intelege. Daca observ ca are atractie, o sa-l invat finante si contabilitate primara chiar dinainte sa inceapa gradinita.

Sau orice altceva, daca o sa aiba atractie. Spre exemplu limbi straine. Sau desen. Sau muzica. Sau orice altceva, o sa invatam impreuna, dar doar daca o sa faca acea activitate din pasiune. O sa-i ofer pe cat posibil sansa sa invete ce vrea si o sa incerc pe cat posibil sa-l indrum corect, recunoscandu-i si limitele mele.

Consider ca atunci cand un copil pune o intrebare isi doreste si un raspuns. Si nu neaparat un raspuns chiar la acea intrebare. O sa puna aceeasi intrebare de mai multe ori si la mai multe persoane ori pentru ca a uitat ori ca sa testeze consecventa ori ca sa descopere ceva nou despre acel subiect.

Eu abia astept sa-i povestesc si sa-i citesc copilului meu cate in luna si in stele (poate si la propriu, daca il vad interesat de subiect), in orice tara voi fi si in orice limba voi ajunge sa-i citesc. Dar da, nu pot sa stiu cum va arata sistemul educational peste 5, 10, 15 ani, pot doar sa-mi imaginez.

Il voi lasa intotdeauna sa faca independent activitatile pe care poate sa le faca singur, oricat de mult timp o sa-i ia sa faca asta, de cand o sa-l vad ca poate: mancat, baut, imbracat, legat la sireturi, etc.

  • voi controla, pe cat posibil, exteriorul in care se desfasoara copilul, cat mai baby-proof posibil, si nu voi sta numai cu gura pe el sa nu faca aia sau cealalta

E simplu de inteles.

  • nu-l voi face niciodata sa planga din cauza mea (adica sa ma rastesc la el sau sa-l bruschez etc); nu-i voi spune niciodata sa taca (cu atat mai mult din plans); nu-i voi spune niciodata sa faca aia sau aialalta “pentru ca asa am zis eu”, “ca sunt parintele tau si trebuie sa ma asculti” – O, nu, fac urticarie numai cand aud asta!!

Mi-e rusine sincer. Imi vine sa ma bag sub pamant la ideea ca as face un copil sa planga, ca rezultat al actiunilor mele necugetate. Sau ca as creste un robot docil, sec sufleteste, usor de manipulat de oricine. M-as simti ca si cum as fi trait absolut degeaba atatia ani pe acest Pamant.

As fi dispusa sa negociez cu el pana in panzele albe, daca as avea (neaparat) nevoie ca el sa faca ceva pentru mine, dar nu-l voi obliga niciodatata sa faca ceva ce nu-i face placere sau nu se simte comfortabil sa faca (la momentul respectiv).

Si da, n-o sa-l cresc singura. Deci ii voi inmana (si traduce, dupa caz) si partenerului (sau partenerei) textul de mai sus si vom bifa impreuna fiecare punct, din timp. Si vom adauga multe altele. 🙂

PS. Peste 2 luni fac 5 ani de cand am emigrat. Incepe sa-mi fie greu sa leg propozitii coerente in limba romana. 😀

One more try

I’ve fallen in love with this song lately. So clear. 🙂

I still had weird dreams in the past nights, although not as crazy as the ones from the previous posts. Also, I don’t remember them anymore with that many details. I don’t know what’s wrong with my subconscious. I mean, worse than what I already became conscious about… which is still pretty weird, considering, but after surviving the shock of discovering it, I concluded that there is nothing I would do or change. Somehow, all the pieces are still in the exact places where they’d perform at their best potential. Just that now I’m even more present, apparently, a bit more in control. Able to feel the things at a deeper level.

Also, I’d like to share something interesting from my astrology program. Aside from the chart and the aspects, you can see also the power of each planet’s energy and the power of each aspect.

So my top 3 planets: Jupiter, Venus and Sun:

Planet: Position Aspects Parallel Total Rank / Percent
Sun: 37.5 ( 6) + 41.3 ( 3) + 3.0 ( 2) = 81.8 ( 3) / 9.9
Venus: 42.8 ( 3) + 45.1 ( 1) + 1.7 ( 6) = 89.6 ( 2) / 10.8
Jupiter: 54.0 ( 1) + 38.2 ( 4) + 4.2 ( 1) = 96.3 ( 1) / 11.6

And my top 5 aspects (orb + power):

1: Venus (Sco) Con (Sco) Saturn | 0:39′ + | 32.59 |
2: Venus (Sco) Con (Sco) Ascendant | 0:59′ + | 31.38 |
3: Saturn (Sco) Con (Sco) Ascendant | 0:19′ + | 29.26 |
4: Sun (Sag) Con (Sag) Jupiter | 2:48′ + | 29.25 |
5: Moon (Tau) Con [Tau] Chiron | 0:55′ + | 18.25 |

You can do the same also for composite charts:

1: Sun (Lib) Con (Lib) Mercury | 1:07′ + | 22.02 |
2: Mercury (Lib) Con (Lib) Midheaven | 0:37′ + | 22.00 |
3: Sun (Lib) Con (Lib) Saturn | 1:46′ + | 21.77 |
4: Saturn (Lib) Squ [Cap] South Node | 0:56′ – | 19.89 |
5: Mercury (Lib) Con (Lib) Saturn | 2:54′ + | 17.66 |
6: Sun (Lib) Con (Lib) Midheaven | 1:45′ + | 17.46 |

Cool, huh? 🙂

Getting weird

Last night I had a lot of dreams. Or nightmares… I don’t get it, maybe I was too tired.. so today I skipped my running session, my left leg hurts also. I might’ve exaggerated my muscle flexibility when I was running with my eyes closed. Epic. Each time I was closing my eyes it felt like I was floating and as if someone was pulling me forward, faster and faster – really amazing.

I had my usual dream.. ahem.. whatever.. I don’t even remember all the details.. and then one session of lucid dreaming while I was walking, exploring one apartment. Yeah.. the same. But this time I didn’t see anyone inside, only at the end of a long corridor I saw a desk and a dog. And at the right side, in the end, it was a door. He was somewhat white-grey color, he was eating or drinking or something, next to the desk. It’s not easy with these lucid dreams. I’m still working to bring the people I know in a lucid dream like this.. adorable. :))

Nightmares? Yeah.. I dreamed I had cancer. 😦 And I was at my second session of chemotherapy. And my hair was falling off. But I wasn’t scared or anything, I was just accepting..

What really scared the crap out of me and I ran away telling to the person that she is insane.. was in another dream. What happened in it wasn’t really that much creepy, but the way how it happened repulsed me. It didn’t happen to me, it happened to the person next to me. So much hate in those actions… No, I cannot describe it.

And then some other weird thing happened, like, this person who creeped me out had a car accident and then started to dry out…  I told you I had nightmares.. And the even creepier part is that this person was the same from the first dream. The usual one. At least in my subconscious. Truly creepy.

Planet stuff

Saturn in transit, retrograde, is currently perfectly conjunct with my Sun. Will keep going backwards and then, in the middle of November, will cross the Sun again. It takes 29 &1/2 years for Saturn to make a full circle, so last time I had this I was in my 4th year of life.

That time was transiting in a close conjunction with Uranus and Pluto was also transiting my Ascendant. Poor child me. Actually that Pluto went back and forth over my Ascendant until I started school. I wonder how I survived that 😀

Now is back and forth over my Mercury, while also conjunct Juno. And Uranus is back and forth over my Juno, in 6th House. Such a memorable year this will be.

A, I found out, next time I’ll have full Moon in Scorpio (transiting my 1st house) it will be in 30th of April, 2018, over my Ascendant.

Later edit (after preparing and throwing in the oven the vegetarian lasagna that I made for dinner): OMG, I just remembered what I dreamed last night!! Barely now. It was a bit creepy.

So, I was in my home apartment with my mom, dad and brother, we were in the kitchen and through the window we could see a bright light that was approaching. We knew it was an asteroid that was about to hit Earth and kill us. It was heading exactly on our apartment, we had just few minutes left. I was at peace, telling to myself: ok, that’s it. Now we are going to die. I was not afraid or anything, I was just accepting. I was aware that I lived just thirty-few years but there wasn’t anything I could’ve done to stop the asteroid. I counted the last seconds, closed my eyes and covered my head.

But I didn’t die. It appears that even if the asteroid was heading to our place it wasn’t big enough to kill us, it even fell behind of the building. I went at the kitchen window and I was looking down and I could see the sky and the stars. Down. As if the sky was down, not up. I was looking and looking and then I noticed that actually the whole ground was covered with water and it was so peaceful that the whole sky was reflecting in it.

It was amazing. Yet also creepy, now that I think about it. Now I’m going to take apart all the elements and try to decipher it. 🙂 I hope it means good things.

I hate this.. it feels awesome

No, it doesn’t feel awesome at all, because I’m blocking it as much as possible. Because it makes no sense. And it’s impossible. I was just trying to be sarcastic. Not even trying to appear funny. Or bipolar.

One of the most unbearable things in life: discovering that you just developed a crush on someone, while you are in a serious relationship. When you very painfully know that you have a tendency to develop obsessions. One obsessive crush while you are in a serious relationship.. with someone else. Yes. It feels worse than being in a prison, because you cannot do anything to take it out of your system.. you just fall… continuously… feeling everything until the most absolute bottom of your misery. And no one understands you.

Why I’m writing this online? I don’t know. I’m hoping maybe I’m really not alone, maybe somebody else on this planet felt the same thing, at a certain point in their life. Or maybe someone else is feeling it right now, I want that person to realize that she is not alone.

Who is the one to blame for this? It could fuck up everything I worked so hard to build so far. Can I blame the Synastry square to Pluto? Or to Chiron? Or the Venus conjunct Sun in Composite? Such a waste.. It literally makes me cry when I remember.

Oooo…. that turning point that you know so well. That moment when you realize it. When suddenly you cannot be casual anymore around him. When your whole life completely turns upside down. When the sky falls down over you and you cannot stop it. When you have a 2-year-old tantrum on the floor of the living room after throwing against the walls, as hard as you can, with all the objects that you find on the coffee table (at least those that you sure won’t break, since you’ll have to clean after).

Omg, I forgot to feed Bonnie. And he is outside… waiting patiently on the door mat. Ok, I fed him. Such a lovely dog.

Why God, why? Why now? Remind me in my next life to take another road, then in the 11th grade, and instead of deciding to continue private classes for applying for economics college to apply for Pharmacy studies. And develop a drug called: anti-crush-pill in one single doze.

LE: 3 weeks after the event… wow, such a funny post I wrote. the crush feeling is completely gone now.

Imagine me

This morning we drove to Ostrava. Ok, I just sat in the right seat, he drove. I spent 4500 crowns.. and he bought just one light bulb. As follows.

The most important part is that I woke up with an unbearable emotional tension. Astrological coincidence: Sun transit conjunct my Chiron-Moon. I have another title for a book that I would like to write: “The guy I dreamed about last night just ran 17 km”. Epic title. I dreamed I was walking on a staircase, in an apartment building, I got to the 8th floor and I was wondering where is the door, when I suddenly saw that one of the doors was semi-open, the one from the left, as I was standing. So I told to myself that maybe he was expecting me, that’s why he left the door open so I won’t get lost.

I got in, I’ve been there tens of times, but somehow each time the setting is different, he showed up and I ended up on a couch, while he went to do something in the kitchen. He was in pajama pants. Then some other girl showed up, black hair, I invited her next to me. At the end we were 4 girls and he came with some tags, like some personalized invitations for a board game, it was some small red label, with an arrow on one end, but I didn’t see anything written on it, and he told me that in one of the following nights will be a game and that I don’t need to carry “my stuff” with me, as it will be imported automatically or something.

Then I went in another building, to “the second apartment” that my family has – that is also a recurring place in my dreams – and I was bringing a nice soft blue door mat for the entry. In reality my family never had a second apartment.

Ok, I woke up normally, the emotional tension started when it came to me the idea to buy a 1 room apartment in Bucharest. So I started searching for the offers, during coffee, I had even calculated how much interest and for how many years I would have to pay a credit.

Anyway,  I started feeling that I’m currently living in a puzzle that only has 2 pieces missing and another puzzle prepared itself on a white board, where only 1 piece was in its place, yet a very attractive one. Obviously I cannot match that one piece in my almost finished puzzle, as it is part of a different scenery. Long story short, by the time I got to Avion shopping part I developed a panic attack. I’m ashamed… Lucky I wasn’t alone.

So the first stop was in Tchibo. Here I managed to calm down to my senses. Bought yet one more active-wear t-shirt (this would be my 4th… none used for active stuff so far), a sports bra, finally I found something perfectly suitable for my body, and one new pair of running pants. And a pouch for the phone. Until next Wednesday still holds the excuse that I cannot run because I’m under antibiotics and the jaw is still swelled and bruised. But after I’ll have my stitches removed and after the team-building, nobody will stop me.

And then we went to Ikea. I bought myself a proper home office chair!!!!!! Yeeyyyyy. Finally! And I arranged my office space upstairs, so no more working from the bed anymore. I hope this will help me with my energy level management during the day and I will be able to fall asleep faster at night.

And then, after we ate and we were heading to the car, guess what: an open hair saloon just materialized itself in front of my eyes! 🙂 After how much I suffered two Sundays ago when I couldn’t find one open in Fydek-Mistek and I played cutting my hair and painting it myself, I got very upset, not because it didn’t turn out good, but because I felt one more time that everything is so unbearably hard for me here.

And then he wanted to look a bit also in Takko. He looked. I tried on and then I bought. A new pair of summer shorts, a lovely shirt and a flowers tiara:

I’m so happy for my new look:


So I may say that after today there is just one more piece of my puzzle missing.