And by chest, I actually mean boob.

This is how I fell inlove with her. In the evening of day 4, still in maternity, she started having very bad tummy aches. I tried everything I knew, swinging, burping, singing, walking, swadling.. The nurse discovered she calms down also if I give her my pinkie to suck on it… But it was a last-resort and temporary solution, until my milk came in proper amount..

As I wanted to sleep also and it was very uncomfortable to have my arms stretched to her crib, into her mouth, I put her over me and we covered both with the blanket. She finally fell asleep barely at 5 in the morning, after breastfeeding in tummy position, over me. When she knew she is done she lifted her head, dropped the boob and sat again with the cheek over it. If she were able to smile at that age, that was definitely a laugh of satisfaction. I had no idea that 4 days old babies can even do this.

I love to let her sleep like this, over me. Now I literally cannot feel 3 of my left arm’s fingers, because I’m supporting her head. It’s calming her down and I know she makes happiness hormones like this.

Time is passing so fast! She won’t sleep like this until she leaves for college, right? So I’m just taking advantage <3.

Sooooo, yeah! We are two now. I mean 3. 4 if you count also Bonnie.

We have a May baby girl, born with 3460 grams. Honestly, the labour and delivery went smoother than I was prepared for emotionally, even if I had no chance for any official preparation classes.

So maybe I was lucky here… The breastfeeding, on the other hand, it’s a whole new different challenge, that makes me reconsider a bit the whole thing.. 😦 at least we are taken care well here and there are options..plus she developed some jaundice which kinda urgents the things.

Some details about the birth (too-much-info warning):

It took us 5h since the moment we were admitted in the delivery room, until the baby was born, but I was having very crampy regular contractions at 2.5min interval that started at home, about 4h before we were admitted. At first I took a Paracetamol, then a hot shower, and they were not stopping, so we packed up and off we went. Ok, the bags were already packed in the trunk for 3 weeks already and the car seat installed for 2 weeks.

The best thing was that my partner was there with me all the time and I was allowed to walk around the room, literally until the moment of expulsion. I was actually asked to, because I was at dilation 10 cm about 2h before the big moment, but the baby’s head was still too high.

I was monitored by the midwife from time to time and we had only a very dim light in the room, which helped with relaxing. My doctor came only in the last moment and then also the baby’s doctor. I was breathing through and concentrating at each contraction, consciously relaxing and focusing my energy on helping my pelvis to open. And because the dilation went fast and I was handling it, they said there is no need at all to mess the natural process with an epidural. They only made me one analgezic directly in the vein, which worked by reducing the pain from a 9 to a 8. 😀

I was allowed to eat and drink all the time, but I was only in the mood for few nuts and raisins and when I felt I’m falling asleep between some contractions or losing my energy, I took a big cup of tea with sugar. I didn’t cry or scream at all, as I didn’t see the point, nor I wanted to scare the comming baby 🙂 When everything looked right, I was helped to get on the table and in 3 or 4 contractions she was all out!

I cannot speak in the name of other women, it was indeed a level of pain as I never experienced before, but I felt it the same as very-very strong period cramps, as I was having in my first years of period, but it was conscious and predictable, which helped to always be on top of “the game”. The impression right after and the impression also after few days is that it was an amazing birth. I will never forget the feeling I was having during pushing. It was pain, but with a purpose, which made it almost divine. Anyway, I cannot describe it in words, you have to live it for yourself.

When they put her over my chest I laughed and I said: it wasn’t that bad, so when can we have the next one?! They laughed also. (Leo, doctor, midwife and neo-natologist). And I think I got the most carying midwife and doctor that exist in all the hospital. The doctor knew me, as I had most of my regular checks with her.

I didn’t bath her yet, but I filmed her 2nd bath to show her when she will be 18 😀 I forgot to do this at the 1st bath, we were too tired anyway. Later edit: I gave her the 3rd bath, she was feeling like at SPA.. such an epic face.

Will keep you posted. If you want to read more! 🙂

PS: Even if I don’t speak Czech properly, I found an amazing support from the personnel in this maternity hospital, they helped me a lot with breastfeeding, because my milk had a slow start and, due to the jaundice, the baby was too sleepy to suck enough to trigger it, so additionally I had to pump few times to start lactation, while the baby had few dozes of formula also.

So.. I’m still pregnant. By calendar, today we have exactly 9 months. 😀

Yesterday I had a productive day: two loads of laundry, dried them outside, ironed some newly bought baby stuff (another pair of sheets for the Next2Me and the play-mat sheep) and the latest crochetted dress, changed all pillow covers in our bedroom (we have 6 :D).. I even took Bonnie for a small walk, until the recycling bins, we had a huge bag of plastics that was pending to throw, as Leo took car to work for the past 2 weeks, he couldn’t drop them as usual in his way to bus-station . Which makes me realize we are using too much plastic and we don’t even buy bottled water, except sporadically, when we are very thirsty while doing shopping. But everything comes wrapped in plastic, in a way or another. And for today we have 2 huge bags of cartons, from all the amazon packages I received lately…

But what I need to brag about: in the past days I managed to shave my legs, do my toenails (I would shame even a yoga master with the positions I had to employ), fix my eyebrows AND die my hair with a no-ammonia formula and trim the edges. All by myself at home. I’m so proud of myself. I don’t feel comfortable in saloons, at mani-pedi I “see” only germs everywhere and for hair, whenever I’ve been, they have always tortured me at brushing, I have a very sensitive scalp.. Plus the fortune that I have to pay. Last time it costed me 800 crowns just for edges trimming… Plus the smells.. not much pregnancy friendly 😦

I have started to tell to the baby that there is more room outside, if she wants to stretch that much. I mean, you know those Youtube videos where you see the shape of baby’s foot standing out through the abdomen? Not quite like that, but very close! And sometimes it really hurts. I will so miss this. :humid eyes emoji: At the latest check I saw one of her feet at the scan, the one that is always kicking in my right ribbs, with those cute 5 fat toes, I cannot wait to eat them 😀

Now I feel ashamed that I asked from work to start the prenatal leave 8 weeks before the due date.. But maybe this is why I lasted that long, my stress level has significantly dropped, even if I was not realising it then.

At the moment I don’t have much mood to do anything.. and I have some dishes to do.. And maybe cook some vegetarian lasagna for Leo. Otherwise, I don’t want to cook more for this Easter, because we don’t know when the baby will come and I don’t want to cook food that will die in the fridge by the time we are back. I’m counting on mom that she will bring us some Easter traditional romanian dishes when they fly over, after the baby is born (drob, pasca etc).

The chicks from the neighborhood are singing. This means they laid new eggs. I’m always asking Leo to let me have 2-3 chicks also, the eggs will be the BIO-st possible. But since he doesn’t eat eggs, he doesn’t want… He says he might consider a goat, though, in the future, it will save him the trouble of mowning the lawn in the garden. If he is willing to milk her (and also make the cheese), I have no issues 😀

I was so stressed about bringing the baby to full-term that I didn’t even think having some nice pregnancy pictures. But maybe now, with my refreshed look, I might take some, at home, with my selfie stick. I wonder if any of my old dresses or blouses will fit this belly, which doesn’t seem as big as other full-term bellies I’ve seen out there… And it seems the baby hasn’t even dropped. Maybe because I’m taller than the average. Fun fact, my Leo mentioned in a joke, few days ago, that I’m taller that usual. So I measured myself: turns out I grew 2 cm since last time I checked, about 15 years ago, when I assumed I reached my peak.. I’m now 1.75 m. Should I update my passport or I will shrink back after the baby is born?!

So.. tomorrow at 11 AM, my time zone, the Sun will enter Taurus. Considering I only had 2 contractions today, very slim chances she will come until then. Wait, I’m having the 3rd now. Gotta stand up and walk a bit, it helps a lot with the pain, by using gravity in my favor. 😀

Last night I had a very bad nightmare. I first must say that I discovered a new series on Netflix: Touch. It kept me entertained for the past 3 days, totally my type. Yesterday I didn’t even “touch” the crochet hook.

So, about the nightmare. I was in the house, MY mind’s house, most probably, where I usually find myself in my dreams, with many rooms that I know. But this time I discovered a room that was not there before.

It was more like a junk storage room, all sort of old useless tools. I looked around and in the end I left. The door was very big with several locks on it, that I carefully closed, because I had the intuition that something very bad lives in that room. Maybe some very dark part of me.

There was a girl in my dream, in her late teens. She showed me something that I instantly recognised as being taken from that room. Very worried, I asked her if she was there and if she locked the room back properly. She hadn’t.

And then the monster got out. There was a headless woman’s body, that I was struggling so hard to kill. In the end I was smashing her against a mirror, the mirror was cracking and breaking into small pieces but somehow “she” was immune to my force. I killed a lot of monsters in my dreams. Some were harder, some were easier to kill. But this one I couldn’t, so I woke up all sweated and irritated. I desperately need to find that room and clean it.

I know, there was full-moon in my 12th House last night. Maybe that’s why.

Yesterday I discovered I already got my first payment for the maternity allowance, for the days from March. I celebrated it. For about 1h, in my mind.

And I was also very happy to find out that, by their final calculation, it resulted with 18 crowns per day more than by my last calculation. Which makes it, in total for the 196 days, an extra of ~3500 crowns 🙂 I tried to guess their way of calculation (is not that easy to calculate it, but at least they have the excel form online) and I think they included also the meal-vouchers and the Flexi-points benefit in the total brutto, for the respective period. I didn’t know that, I thought they go by what it says on the payslip as total brutto.

My mom and my Leo asked me (intrigued) why am I doing these calculations in advance, is there a way that I can change the outcome? No. So why do it?

Well… Because I love to calculate money and I want to be very well-informed. Because I am on foreign territory. Because I want to be prepared in case something goes wrong, to have all my data clear, in case I have to argue something. I’m sorry but I definitely hate the saying “ignorance is bliss”. Or “believe and don’t investigate”. Or “expect to be surprised”. In this case I was positively surprised, but it could’ve been the other way also. It’s not about the volume really, is about the accuracy. I was burned few times in my life and I prefer to be prepared.

Besides, I never expected that I will have to spend 17 days in medical leave in January, which had a negative impact on my total income, much higher than this extra 3500, especially because the first 3 days of medical leave here are paid 0(zero). So yeah. I have the right to be happy. 🙂

Now, regarding the title, as the Sun entered now in transit in my 6th House, looks like her Sun will  fall in my 6th House after all, as it was the original estimated term of delivery. I was flirting a while with the idea of having her Sun in my 5th House, but I guess 6th House is not that bad 😀 It’s just focused on different things. Hoping her Sun will have positive aspects from the rest of her planets, depending on the day she will get out.

And I’m also hoping she will come as Aries, although, her health (as full-term baby) and her decision (destiny) count more than my hope. Just because I find it easier to manage a Aries girl doesn’t mean I will not want the challenge of a Taurus girl. I am willing to handle everything I will stumble upon. They are both great, just “a bit” different.

And what exactly would mean for me that her Sun falls in my 6th House… Yeah, this is what I’m reading about now. 🙂

And I have to mention something, as I cannot take it out of my mind. Last Sunday we decided to give a chance again to that new Indian restaurant in our city. Last time I had chicken with cashew and curry sauce and I found it too sweet, especially because I had also Kofola. And it also seemed a bit too expensive. This time I ordered chicken in tomato and butter sauce, with garlic naan (something like pita bread) and plain water.

Believe me, the combination of the taste was orgasmic. And we paid 500 crowns, including 10% tip, while Leo had also soup, which is pretty much the same as we would pay at Tom’s, besides, they have a much larger variety of vegetarian food, for Leo. I left so happy, that I decided this Sunday we will go again and I will invite also my family when they come over. 🙂 I hope the baby will like the breastmilk produced from indian food (not spicy).

Regarding breastmilk.. Or.. You know what, leave it for now. Next time 🙂

So.. We made it to term!! 🙂 37 weeks today! She is very restless today, moving almost continuosly since 5 AM.

Yesterday at the check she was estimated at 2750 g and my cervix was 50% effaced and 1 cm dilated, which is normal for this stage. Thank you, for all your Prayers! 🙂

We stopped the progesterone and the magnesium.. And… I can hardly wait to meet her.

Tomorrow, after 7 PM my time, Jupiter will go Retrograde in Sagittarius. We survived Mercury Retrograde, so now I will have to document myself about Jupiter Retrograde in natal chart, to start knowing my baby. (I find it improbable to deliver by tomorrow 7 PM, as I have no signs of labor yet.)

From now on I will not write about the progress anymore, because I want to keep a minimum of privacy regarding her birthdate and hour. I will write, maybe, something about the birth, in case there will be something exceptional to write, although, I’m trying not to think about it and keep Zen for as long as possible.

In case you are curious, I found an interesting article about Jupiter Retrograde in Sagittarius

Why I’m stressing so much about it.. Well, because I am a Sagittarius and my natal Sun is conjunct with Jupiter, which makes it even more Sagittarius, also, right now, the transiting Jupiter is conjunct to them, in my 2nd House, which makes it quite a big deal for me. 🙂 (Please, pardon my narcissism)

So yeah.. Btw, my family is kinda stressing me to start offering my crocheted things online, to be bought. As much as I like the idea of people wanting to buy them, I hate the idea of doing them for money. Just like I do astrology readings when someone asks me… there are some things in life that cannot be measured in money. I have an official job for money, for my hobbies I want to be paid in positive energy 🙂

I mean, I’m not saying that my crocheting skills are out of this world (that would be really hilarious), I’m saying that I started doing them just to make time pass easier while I’m in bed rest, not for the purpose of having the crocheted object itself.

And slowly I learned more and more complex patterns, only by watching YouTube videos. And I might have inherited some talent: my grandma and my aunt are very skilled at this, you should have seen them how they were making summer shoes and sandals, when I was a child and spending my summers there. They were awesome!

And my grandpa was putting the bottom to them. My grandpa was very skillful, by life, not by choice: he had a handicap in one knee after one accident in the mine (at least this is what I was told) and, for all I remember him, he was dependent on a walking stick and couldn’t bend that knee properly, so he had to find a way of making a living for his family, from home: he became a Shoemaker. He was making awesome Scarpeti, for the whole village 🙂 He had so many awesome tools… we were driving him crazy when we were playing with them and forgetting them in the garden.

He died 18 years ago, about this time of year… I was in 11th grade… the first and only person I ever saw dead. I’m still having nightmares about it sometimes, as I was the one that answered the phone in that early Saturday morning when we were called and I passed the news to my family… I can still remember the voice from the other side of the land-line. I hope my grandma will stay strong enough to meet my daughter, as I also met my great-grandma and I remember her quite well.

So… crocheting for money.. (it would definitely be just a hobby outside of my real job)… I don’t know, maybe if I could do them outside, from the swing in the garden (that we haven’t bought yet), while I’m watching my child play with Bonnie (or his future offspring). Anyway, I would prefer to spend my time to teach how to do them than doing them for someone else. 🙂 And I hope more people believe in crocheting than the ones that believe in astrology.

Another blog post from the series “what your child would like you to know”.

I am aware that I’m just exploring something hypothetical and in real life this might not be happening… yet… for several reasons, most important of them being the low-level emotional and spiritual education of the average person.

And I am also aware that I might not be adapting the form of communicating my message to the capacity of the recipient… because such hypothetical recipient either doesn’t read my blog or doesn’t understand English. So I’m writing it mostly for myself, for the future, to make sure I will not forget it when I will have to attend to my own child. Because I have the feeling that, as long as I don’t have a child yet, nobody is taking my suggestions seriously.

Long story short… I feel the need to stress something that comes from deep down inside of me, because I’m seeing so often, on groups about parenting, cases of parents that want to control their child at any cost and expect they have the right to do so.

But your children have their own identity and their own destiny, that you don’t know, by default. Ok, they are materially dependent on you until certain age, they live in the same household with you and “have to obey your rules”, but you both need to be able to connect and understand yourselves as equal spirits, not as master and slave.

Just something I remembered right now. Sometimes, in my teenage years, when we were all eating together at the table, my dad would say something regarding me that was instantly making me lose appetite and leave the table. Apparently there was something about me that he could not stand… It took me way too many years to reflect on that and understand it, but I’m not getting into astrology right now. The thing is, he was right. I mean, whatever he was pointing out, it was true about me, but it was something that I was forgetting and I needed him to remind me. And the truth hurts sometimes.

Anyway… I deviated a bit. I want to express that usually dads (I mean, mentally sane dads, not those that drink and beat their wife to death because they came home from work and didn’t find warm food on the table) have this sense of individuality and intuitively treat their children also like a separate individual, always leaving room for them to grow and discover their own personality.

On the other hand, moms, just because the child lived inside of them for 9 months, they think they know them like the back of their palm. They just cannot separate emotionally from the fruit of their loins, it’s too painful. They are not able to accept the fact that they were just temporary vessels for their child to incarnate on this planet. They want something in exchange of the morning sickness and labor pains…

Yes, you gave birth to your child, it’s “your flesh and blood” (well, technically it is really not, because the fetus has its own circulatory system – sometimes even different blood type – and, obviously, a different DNA, otherwise it would be your clone) so you “obviously know what is best for them”. “A mother knows”. Well… not really.

A mother must also educate herself, do her best to read upon the latest standards on health and parenting, but most if all, a mother must understand that the best way to know your child is to ask them. Ask them what they really want. And accept the answer. The truth hurts sometimes.

You know, I always hated when I wanted to explore some topic with my mom and I was being dismissed in one second with “you are saying stupid things!”.

Am I? Am I really?! Just because my vision is different and you don’t agree with it, you don’t have the right to shut me down.

No, I don’t expect you to do everything that I say I want you to do, but I want to know that you care. I want to know that you accept my different-ness. I want to know that I have a positive role in your life, that I wasn’t born only to disturb you or to embarrass you in front of others. I want to know that you still have the ability and the willingness to keep learning and grow as a person.

Yes, dear hypothetical mom, I want you to understand that I am my own self. You are not my slave, but I am not yours either. You are not my “emotional wiping carpet”, but I am not yours either. But you need to tell me this (and remind me as often as needed) in a calm and peaceful way. You should not accept aggressive behaviour from my side, but I should not accept either.

And please, do accept and validate my emotions. My emotions (and my thoughts) are never stupid.

.. until term. Ok, early term: 37+0 until 38+6. And if we survive also this and we get to 39 weeks, I would call it a miracle.

I’ve started to put on kg like crazy :(( I hate this metabolism. I’m now 17 kg more than when I started, 5 kg in the past 5 weeks. 😦 Yeah, apparently I’ve been eating a lot of sweets. And fats. So I will try to control this from now on. No more Nutella, no more Belgian waffles, no more jam.

No more grilled cheese.. no more cordon bleu… and also less butter and avocado. Less pasta.. Ok – let’s finish the jar of sour cherry jam first. I think the problem is that I’m staying too much in bed, but not much I can do for now…

So yeah.. We are now in Aries and few more days for Mercury to turn back direct. Nothing happened on Sunday.. Except that, on Saturday, I discovered the 2nd season of “The OA” on Netflix and I devoured it, by Sunday evening it was done. Now I miss Nina… and dr Roberts.

I think we finally agreed on the name of the baby. I mean, Leo agreed with the name that I was calling her, since the first positive test. 😀 I would like her to have 2 names, though, first and middle, but he doesn’t want this… and he has offered me no reasonable explanation. I mean, everybody has also middle name these days, we are too many on this planet, we have to differentiate somehow. I already found ~10 facebook profiles with this combination of first name and last name.. Yeah.. Will see.. what will (also) be compatible with the day she will be born.

Another topic that is stressing me, right now, is whether to baptise her Orthodox (like me) or Catholic (like him). The thing is that none of us are really practicing.  He is lacto-vegetarian and practicing Yoga. More, I don’t know, but since we are together, he’s never been to any Catholic sermon. Czech people are very seldom religious.

Me, I’m barely keeping the big holidays.. Last time I kept a fasting period, I remember of only 1 week, was before my trip to Mexico, in 2017, because I was flying across the Atlantic, for the first time, right on the Easter night, so I wanted to feel prepared somehow. My last Sunday in the Orthodox Church.. I remember it was in Prague, in 2013. And I honestly can’t even remember when I had my last confession. 😦

But I’ve had about 10 sessions of therapy last year, so I think I confessed more than enough. 😀 I’m very sorry to say this, but I never really liked orthodox churches (compared to catholic ones) – excessively crowded, too many candles, no air, no light and a way too long sermon, very hard to follow, while sitting head down on your knees. I was never able to understand this. And no matter what your confession was, you were never good enough.

And the way I was pushed by mom to keep fasting, in my childhood and teenage years, it left me a sour taste in my mouth. Almost every Easter and Christmas day, when we had to go to Church it was left with screaming. And I always remember being very cold. I never remember it as going for pleasure. You know what, I remember I was slapped even when my brother was baptised. 😐 That’s why I have that picture, at 6 years old, sitting so peacefully on the bench in the Church.

If you follow a certain religion it should be because you believe in it and it makes you feel good, not because someone is pushing you.. or because “what would other people say”. So yeah.. that’s why I’m sure I don’t want to force my child to follow the practice of any religion. Besides, I do have 2 Godchildren (mom and I, baptised them), but destiny made it that I haven’t seen them in more than 5 years.

Have to close it here, Bonnie is jumping on the entrance door, he wants back inside.

I dreamed about something.. I was given this date, the place was “100 m from Metro on Liberty or Liberation Street”.. or something.

My crochet hook fell under the bed.. 😦 Now I have to bend down to get it.. Simple task, but not when you are in your 3rd Trimester. I hate gravity 😀 I’m crocheting 3 things in parallel, I get tired easily of using the same color and same pattern, so this way it feels it’s something new each time.

Anyway, I’ve been quite exhausted mentally and emotionally by yesterday evening.. And I don’t have any reason, right? I mean, I’m not doing anything all day except crocheting, watching Netflix, preparing food and eating… but I always have this feeling that someone is rushing me, I cannot just “relax”.

I dreamed all night.. First dream, that I remember, I was with some other woman and we were in someone’s apartment and that person was not at home.

I don’t know how we got there, but we were afraid we will be sent to jail once the person comes home. Then, one neighbour heard something and she came to check, she was knocking at the door. We silently locked the entry door from the inside, it stood like that for a while, but then the owner came also. And I had to invent an excuse of what we are doing there.. I said we are psychology students and we needed to make an experiment.. I don’t know if they believed us or not but we managed to get out in the end.

The other dream… Is more personal. It’s funny, I asked at the end “So when we will see each other again?” and I was not expecting any answer, I was very surprised when I received it. It was even Neděle, not Sunday or Duminica. I wanted to type it down in my phone, but, when I took it out, my phone was one of those old grey Nokia with numbers, where you had to press on a number several times to get the letter you needed. And then I said “wait, let me do this the old way”, so I took out from my bag a notebook and a pen and I started writing down.

I was feeling a bit sorry for setting wrong expectations, because I knew I will not be able to make it, because I was living in Czech Republic and I also had a daughter at home, but I don’t think the other person knew this, so…

Besides, I don’t know on which date to place the action of the dream, I knew it was Saturday, though, and it was not related to “tomorrow”, as in, “this Sunday”, but to “next Sunday”. Because, if we were in the present time.. -ish, I might say March 24th… So yeah. Let’s see what happens then. 🙂

I have to let Bonnie back in, it’s kinda coldish outside, 5°C, and he’s been for almost 1 hour now.