Author Archives: Stefania

Anxiety attack(s)

I’m working at a new crocheted baby dress for the past two weeks. I did half of it and then undid it, then did it again differently, then undid the 2nd part and now the yarn ended in the middle of the row and it freaks me out because I hate it like this and I want to undo it again until it turns out perfect.

Last evening Leo went to sauna, as he does (almost) every Friday. And I remained home with a wounded Bonnie.. he sprained his paw again. They went to vet now.

Anyway, as I was browsing YouTube videos I saw a very young couple of vloggers preparing to buy stuff for baby arrival. She was 17, around 8th month pregnant, he was 18. And they went and they bought everything that I would buy for my baby, except I’m not yet sure she will really use them: play mat, swing, carousel for over the bed, fancy diapers disposal bin, bottles steriliser, stroller, fancy car seat, pacifiers, toys etc.

And they were saying they have no support from their parents, yet they afforded all of those and they live with rent. And then I saw another video of her emergency c-section (water broke and baby was breech), she was with a smile until her ears for the whole procedure. And then another video of them having the first bath with the newborn baby girl: decent bathroom (to not say, fancy), very nice baby tub with special support for newborns. They were smiling all the time and the baby didn’t show any sign of discomfort, as most babies do at their first bath(s). They really knew what they were doing, it was such a pleasure to watch.

And then it hit me: some anxiety feelings that I didn’t experience in a very very long time. I still have so many things to buy for the baby. There are still so many things that need to be fixed in the house before the baby comes. I can’t drive.. even if I wanted to, my driver’s licence is expired (I flew to RO last summer specially for this, but because very stupid beauracry I couldn’t renew it… That’s why I don’t live in Romania anymore.)

Besides, I’m technically still on bed rest. I would like to clean my dresser(s) and sort out the old clothes and throw them, in order to release the small one, to use it for babies clothes. I think I will slowly do this, over this weekend.

But you know what? My anxiety has really nothing to do with the baby. It has to do with the fact that I started my Maternity Leave. The idea of being “jobless” for the next 2 years apparently has a much more serious effect on me…

I was working for 8 years in this company. I had several transitions, but I held myself with my teeth on that job (a Romanian proverb). And now that I finished handing over all my work, I kinda feel useless. I know how hard it was for me in those two half-of-year times when I didn’t have a job, I always had the feeling that there is something wrong with me, that’s why I cannot find one. But, I mean, now, technically I’m still employed, is just that nobody needs me anymore. I wonder if all future moms felt like this at some point also. I’m anxiously expecting now my first pay of maternity allowance, that should happen around mid April. I wonder if the baby will be born by then. 😀

On Thursday, before signing off, I sent my “goodbye” email to all the people with whom I collaborated the most lately. I wrote that I started on Valentine’s Day in 2012 […] and it took me 8 years […] and now I’m starting my Maternity Leave. I checked it a million times before sending it to make sure I’m not doing any spelling mistake due to emotions. And, after I sent it, I discovered it.

2012+8=2020. So something doesn’t add up. Wait, do I really have 8 years? Maybe I have 7. But last time I checked there were 8.. I remember even LinkedIn said it, they sent me some celebrating notification. So where is the mistake?! F**k, I started in 2011. 😀 In 2012 I moved to Czech Republic. I felt completely incompetent. Even my cervix is doing a better job than me right now. I am sure probably nobody noticed, I mean, nobody cared to do the math. But it unsettled me. I am totally convinced I make much more mistakes (in English) due to lack of knowledge, but when I make one and then I realize I was wrong it’s so hard to forgive myself. Maybe I should work on this.. learning how to forgive myself more.

I’m not perfect. And I will never be. But I want to do so many things. And when I can’t do them, due to certain reasons, I feel like I’m falling apart. And I’m already taking maximum dose of Magnesium, to prevent pre-term contractions.. What else can I do to calm down and get out of this anxiety?

Yeah.. I’m not even starting with the worries regarding the birth. When it will happen and how it will be, I have no idea. I read articles online, with epidural, without epidural etc. I even found one vlog where some lady brags that she delivered naturally without epidural. That when you use epidural (or induction) is not called natural anymore…apparently it’s called “vaginal delivery”…

I mean, in my case, I don’t even know if I can deliver naturally, due to my previous pelvic fracture, if the baby will come at term (3.5 – 4 kg).. So now, with each week that is passing and she is still part of me, my anxiety grows even more, that I’m even considering to discuss a planned c-section. Sure, a lot of women will jump over me saying that c-section is not good for the baby, but they ignore the fact that the baby needs a healthy mom, physically and mentally. I know I have low tolerance to pain, my pulse raises too high and then I faint. It will be no help to anyone if I faint during labor or even worse, if my bone(s) break again due to the effort.

See? Life is not easy. I have some strawberries downstairs, I’m going to wash them and sprinkle some coffee creamer powder over them (I forgot to buy also liquid cream). And then Leo will come back and we go to DM and Pepco to do some small baby shopping.

Btw, dear baby Zubat, be strong until the end of March, don’t come while Mercury is Retrograde. I don’t know how to deal with a Mercury Retrograde native. 🙂 Cool – I just found something to study and keep my mind busy, after I come back with 3 more bags of diapers.

Thank you for your reading patience, don’t worry, I’m fine now. Leo helped me calm down last night when he came back from sauna.

Later edit: I discovered online that it’s a higher probability for the husband / male partner to faint during labor and delivery than for the woman, thanks to the excess of hormons that take over during labor. And since my Leo is trained with sauna and then he can jump in freezing water, I’m sure he will be fine. 😀

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31 weeks

So, we solved “The Paper”!!! Yeey! It costed us 1600 crowns for 1 sworn translation of my birth certificate, one hour of interpretation services and the parking at Ostrava Matrika.

Miminko is ok, kicking all over the place, I even felt kicks behind my right boob… I wonder how she got there. I’m having some lower back pains lately, I hope they are not contractions and I’m not aware.. Yeah, and I’m feeling kicks also in my… back area.

Tomorrow is my last day before 2 days vacation, before 28 weeks of Maternity Leave. I’m excited about the change. I mean, like everybody tells me “it was about time”.. I’m 35 already.

Yesterday evening I was checking flights to Bali. 2 weeks when baby girl will be 6-7 months old. Too optimist? 😀

Regarding shopping for baby girl, we still need stroller, small bath tub, diapers bag and countless diapers. I have them in basket on amazon.de and in DM online. Waiting few more weeks before ordering them, though.

30 weeks!!

Yeah… I’m starting to feel the 3rd trimester: it has become quite a challenging task to shave my legs and to attend to my toe nails 😀

So, the glucose test was negative, which means I can eat as much chocolate cookies as I desire; the baby girl is still head down and still kicking me in my right ribs.. She is almost 1500 grams now. Yeey! At least 1500 more to come 😀

Did I dream about this day? Not really. I mean, I was hoping, but, since I was first admitted into hospital at barely 24 weeks, with diagnostic of imminent labor, and I was told that the baby will be put on my name, because I’m missing a paper in my file, I kinda had a shock.. I mean, from that moment on, I was taking each day as it passed… no dreams, no expectations.. Barely now I’m starting to feel naturally excited about the fact that I’m going to have a baby.

And “the paper”, I mean, I was planning to inquire about it and solve it once I started my maternity leave, travel to Prague in peace etc. Yeah. Dreams done before the 24th week. But will see, what God wants. I do what I can, considering. The most important is for the baby to be born healthy.

Lesson learned: when you relocate to a foreign country, even if still in the EU, add another thing on top of the required to-do list: get a sworn translation, in the local language, of your birth certificate. You never know in which circumstances you will need it. Especially when none of these 2 languages are common. Especially when you relocate again, to a smaller city, 5h away from the capital…

And, can you believe it? I have 6 more working days left until a 2 years “vacation” 😀 This year I even forgot to celebrate my 8 years work anniversary, at the current employer, on Feb 14th. But I can celebrate it now, because we had 1&1/2 h unplanned electricity outage today, so I need to “clean” the congelator of some pizza and some ice-cream. 😀

And a cute butterfly sweater, that I just finished, I’m thinking is suitable for up to 1 year old: 20190219_172029~2

29 weeks and still counting

So.. mom flew back to Romania, to her other 2 children: dad and brother.

I haven’t felt at my optimum capacity today.. I started having some weird cramps after lunch, I took the rest of the day off, because I couldn’t support the laptop anymore, over my lap. To not say, over my belly. And when the cramps stopped, a headache started and now I’m sneezing… hoping the shower tonight will fix this.

I still don’t have the result from my glucose tolerance test.. My obgyn, on Friday, said it didn’t arrive to her, so God knows where that result is, they said they will call for it and she will tell me at my next appointment. I honestly find this stupid, they should’ve sent it to my email from the 2nd day, when it was ready..

Baby girl looked fine, she was with head down then. Now I think she switched, as I feel kicks under my right ribbs, instead of over my belly button. I was expecting her to be a bit bigger than she measured on Friday, but maybe there is a margin of error also.. will see next time, maybe she will catch up.

In the meanwhile I started eating a bit more, even if I don’t really feel hungry, I added a snack before bed – a cup of milk or yogurt with a croissant.. I mean, since Dec 28th I only put on 200 grams, I think both the Magnesium and the Progesterone have accelerated my metabolism. And the bed rest has melted my muscles..

So.. Here’s something cute that I just finished: 20190212_184329-1

I hope it is suitable for 6-9 months, I measured with the other clothes I have. 😀

Btw, all the clothes “up to 3 months” are now washed and ironed and packed by mom. Thank you, mom.

28 weeks and counting :D

Writing this entry with dedication for my biggest fan, the only person offering positive comments to my blog lately 🙂

So.. Yesterday we had the glucose tolerance test. We survived it. It tasted like Fanta syrup, without sparks.

I mean, I was very close to fainting, right after they took out blood, “the after 60 min draw”.

They lifted my legs up, lowered my head, opened the window. They even asked me if I want to stop the test, because “we don’t have resuscitation tools” here. As pale as I was, I laughed when they said that. Don’t worry, is not my first time fainting and it will probably not be the last time either, I know there is life after fainting. But I was worried about this little octopus in my belly.

Anyway, I asked for a toilet break, they took me there by wheel chair, they were afraid I will fall down. I was afraid also, to be honest. And they gave me to have a sip of water. And then I was counting the minutes until the 2nd blood draw, “the after 120 min”. But I started feeling better. And when it was over, I took mom from the waiting room and we went down-stairs to eat. And then I called taxi and we went home.

I don’t have the result yet, but I’m thinking, if there was something out of the charts someone would have called me, right?

And today we sorted out all the white clothes for the baby and we put them to wash. And tomorrow we will iron them and pack them nicely in the bed. Yeah, my Next 2 Me baby bed came from Amazon yesterday! And the other stuff I ordered, from which, a pack of 10 colored yarn balls for crocheting. 😀

So, yeah, mom is here. Aside from cooking and tending to my small needs, to not have to go down too many times, she is also nice company. I mean it’s good to have someone to talk in my language whenever I want to.

Last night I dreamed I was flying! Such a lovely dream! In the past 3 weeks I had only bad dreams and I was barely sleeping 2-3h connected. I’m always waking up worried, hoping that my water is still intact.

Next check in hospital I will have on Friday, so yeah, still counting!

27 weeks and counting

We were at the check today. And my little miminko has a bit over 1 kg already. 🙂

Everything looks fine so far, we are back at home from Wednesday afternoon last week and I retook my full-time work activities. Intensive handover trainings for the colleagues that will take over my responsibilities.

The days are passing much faster at home and I can rest much better at night. In the first 3 nights home I slept 12h each night 😀

Now I won’t have to leave the house until Monday next week, when I will finally have the glucose test… Yeah… Long story.

So… Keep in there miminko. At least 3 more weeks, until I finish delivering all the trainings 😀

Sometimes she is kicking so much with both legs and arms that I feel I have an octopus growing in my belly. But no. She only has 2 arms and 2 legs. Quite long legs actually, measuring at 28 weeks by her femur length, so she will be a tall human… and slimmish like her daddy. So we might have to consider signing her for volleyball or basketball better than for gymnastics.

And something interesting.. or not.. with all this bed rest and after 2 weeks of hospital food, I now have the exact same amount of kg as on December 28th, when they started giving me this Magnesium and Progesterone. Considering the baby doubled in this time, I can say I even lost 0.5 kg… I wonder how much muscle I lost. 😦

26 weeks and counting

No more Capricorn baby 😀 Yeey. I mean, I have nothing against this sign, just that she would have been completely incompatible with a Saggy mom and Leo dad and a Aries dog. 😀

So we are still in hospital, continuous stay from the 11th of January, original admission on 7th of January. No new developments, everything seems stable. We will have a check tomorrow and they will decide if they release us or not.

Next week’s Sunday my mom will come for one week, to help us with the final preparations for the baby, wash and iron all her clothes, order and install the baby bed – I’m decided for the Chicco Next 2 Me. And most important, finish cleaning and prepare her room. Even if we might be co-sleeping, I consider important to have another completely functional room, aside from our master bedroom.

So yeah… Now, hoping she will pass Aquarius also 😀 Nothing against the sign, just that she is still way too small. Pisces girl would be nice, she would complement us well, inspire us with her spiritual creativity, but my best target is Aries. A whole family of fire signs.

10 years challenge

In January 2009.

I was returning from my first attempt at emigration… in UK, that didn’t work out. I wrote about it before, there were more reasons why it didn’t work out, but the main one is that it was not my destiny… And I also had some things left behind, unsolved.

And then I found that job in the call center. It was very stressful, very little paid… but I had no other choice. The only thing that kept me going was the fact that I was speaking in Spanish. And the name of the street… but that’s a different story.

I went a bit crazy in those years – 2007 to 2010. But I had to. I needed to explore all the corners of my craziness, in order to understand that there is nothing left in my subconscious, to be afraid of. In order to cure my anxiety.

For the second time, in August 2012, I knew what I needed to focus more on, to make it right. It was not easy, but this time I had around more people who helped me and believed it me. And maybe also my attitude helped: I knew 100% that I don’t have to what/whom to come back, so no matter how hard it was, I only looked forward. In the first 3 months I cried almost every day. But I never gave up.

Now back to 2009, it was such a dramatic year! I don’t know how I managed to survive all that emotional drama. So much synchronicity! So many times when I felt completely lost, while still in my own country. My heart was in so many places and neither one wanted me.

I remember, when I was finishing my work in the call center, I was getting out at the Piata Muncii metro station, I was sitting on those red benches and then I couldn’t move. I couldn’t find the willpower to go home.. At least, to where I was living then, in a rented room. I was wishing to be absorbed by them.. to just disappear. Looking back now, I can easily identify that emotion: despair.

Nobody wants to be around desperate people. But they are the ones that need help the most. I was clinging to everyone that was giving me a bit of attention.

Deep down I knew that everything is temporary, but I was feeling that everything is too much and too hard.  Oh.. But I survived in that deadly job until May 2010. You know, in call center the length is counted in months. I survived until something positive, completely unexpected happened, in March, when I realized that I don’t need to suffer anymore for my childhood. Such a turning point. When I rediscovered hope.

It took me until February 2011 to find a new job, that suited better on my level of education and on my competencies. And technically, I still hold that job, even if a different position, in a different country.. now paid 3 times more than when I started in that February.

Even if in this exact moment I’m writing from a hospital bed, I am at peace. I know what I will do from now on, no matter what will happen. And fear (anxiety) doesn’t have room anymore.

Yeah, so in December 2012 (technically), I met my Leo. My Zubaček. The daddy of my baby Zubat. It was not love at first sight. Which meant, it was not drama at first sight either. But it was respect and a feeling of peace, significantly better ingredients for a long-term relationship. We both knew ourselves enough to know what we wanted. We did share our part of drama, quite a lot of it, but it was coming from the outside of the relationship. We only had to hold on tight to each other and let all storms pass.

Just like this one. We hold on tightly, the 3 of us and let all bad Zubats fly away. Ok, 4 of us, don’t forget Bonnie.

Ok 5 of us, add also antenna. His life was simply not complete until he met (built) his radio antenna. 😀

So, hold on baby girl Zubat. I don’t know how the future looks in 2029, but I know that I will always do my best to be good mama Zubat for you. Kick once if you agree. Ok, you are sleeping, good, you need sleep to grow strong and healthy, you can kick later 😀

25 weeks and counting

So, I’m in hospital again since Friday afternoon. Today is Tuesday. Why I am back here? Well.. on Friday when we went to our regular check the obgyn literally freaked out when she did the measurement of my cervix. I almost had a panic attack on that consultation chair when she mentioned hospital again. She said she cannot approve my dismissal, not in the condition that I was. So we should go back.

We went home, we packed again and off we went to Poruba. Hopefully the car was fixed – new battery. Here, when they measured the cervix, it was holding only on 3 mm. The rest of 2.5 cm was funneled. The doctor who did the check said that women in my condition still kept the pregnancy for up to 2 more months, so we might not deliver in the next 1-2 weeks, how long am I planning to stay in the hospital?

I found this very rude and I was just about to say some bad words.. Of course that’s the goal! Until 32-34 weeks the baby is not free from risk of long-term complications. I understand they brag with very good therapy services for babies born under 1 kg, but I refuse to have mine just another number in their statistics. The main goal is to keep the baby inside as long as possible.

So I said NO! I’m not going to keep being pushed around from one doctor to another (obgyn, hospitals, family doctor), kept on the roads in the middle of the winter, while still on antibiotics. So they finally agreed to keep me. Lower standard than the first time, I’m the 4th in a room designed for 3 women, but manageable.. still definitely better than when I stayed that long time after the accident. I have acquired very good patient skills. Besides, now I have no pains and I can also move around. And they have wi-fi. So yeah.. I mean, as long as I am in Illness leave at least they feed me. Not the ideal food, but still better and more diverse than I can cook myself alone at home. And there is also a supermarket and two coffee places, if I crave something else.

I’m afraid to go home. If it were just after me I would stay here until meeting 28 weeks. I think the time to play the Brave card has passed. Now it’s the most critical time. With each day inside the chances of having a strong and healthy baby increase significantly. It’s not just me that I need to be responsible for… So I have to sacrifice some other things. Like 40% of my daily salary.

The only thing that stresses me now is the work.. Because I didn’t have the time to train somebody else for my activities, so I’m still doing some of them myself. But overall they make the time pass faster and still keep me connected with a sane reality. I only do what I am in the mood to do in that moment, nobody can push me to do what I don’t want to do. So yeah… Some pros, some cons.

I sent a picture with my belly to one of my best friends and she commented that I look tired. I don’t look tired, I look unsatisfied – by life in general – and I look like I cannot allow myself to smile. I’m afraid that once I start smiling something / somebody will do something that is going to take it away. So I keep my smile on the inside.

I dreamed so many crazy things last night. I dreamed that 4 guys I know were claiming that they are the father of my baby. Including my brother. Ok, that was a sick dream. But yeah.. That’s another thing that needs to be solved and is stressing me, but I can’t solve it right now… Ok, it might have been also because I watched the latest episode of Outlander right before bed.. I’m very easily impressed. For the first time I’m starting to feel bad that I have not done the things in the right order.

So, dear baby girl Zubat.. Hang in there. The world outside is tough and complicated, still full of bureaucracy, so you need to be big and strong enough when you get out, to be able to fight it. 🙂

Dear baby Zubat

At first, they said that your estimated birthday is April 30th… Now they say that each day you are still inside is a miracle. Honestly, I don’t know what to believe anymore.

I don’t feel often. I live mostly in my brain, making plans and analysing. At this age I very rarely take decisions based on emotions.

But when I do feel, they are taking me like a tornado and not even leaving me air to breathe. That’s how I started feeling from yesterday evening. When I left Leo turn back home alone. The look on his face, he was just holding himself not to cry.

I wish you will get the chance to grow up, big enough to read and to understand. It’s depressing to live in a hospital. I barely slept all night, 1. because two of the 3 other ladies in my room are snoring, 2. because the same ladies had to pump milk every 3-4h and they turned on the light completely for that… 3. because of babies crying on the hallway or in the other rooms.

I hate people snoring. I hate them with every fibre of my being. And this is what is not letting me sleep. I don’t understand why God put on Earth people who snore.

Anyway… Now she opened the TV, that is right above my head. Last night she turned it off at barely 10 PM. And now she is also talking on the phone. Ok, I now officially despise this woman, for doing her best to occupy all the space around her, day and night. I don’t understand how some people can be so unconscious. So primitive… I’m way too nice… when I’m alone. With Leo (your daddy) by my side, I have much more guts to say all that I mean.

And the new-born babies screaming… I found them truly adorable. I could feel only love towards them. And you, my dear baby, you were stretching and spinning all night. 🙂 I wonder if you can hear them also. I’m sorry that I didn’t have a headset also for you.

At one point I put myself a relaxing music on Youtube.. I somehow fell asleep, the phone was being upside down under a corner of my pillow. I woke up about 3h later and the phone was turned off and so hot that it freaked me out. It probably turned off due too overheating. Oops.

My dear baby.. I’m very curious when you are destined to come. I thought you are going to be a Taurus. I was even hoping to keep you inside until 5th of May until your Sun hits my 7th House.

Now I see you might be even a Capricorn. But please, do your best to stay a bit longer, to be at least Aquarius 🙂 and at least until February 12th, to fall in my 4th House.

Nonetheless, I will love you just as much, no matter in which sign your Sun will be or how big or tiny you will be born.

I love you already. I know you are your own being, I’m just a temporary transportation mode for you to incarnate on this planet. Maybe you will tell me one day also why you wanted to come on this planet, what is your mission. I’m very curious of getting to know you, my dear baby, but, please, stay in there longer.