From the beginning of the month I took baby to playground and she tested some of the things, but more she was mesmerized by the other babies. We’ve been there few days in a row, before the weather f*d up.

Now it’s 14°C and raining continuously since yesterday afternoon. Talk about summer weather.. Maybe I have more time to go outside now, but I don’t think in any of the years since I am living in Frydek-Mistek rained as much as this year so far.

Now back to baby… So when we couldn’t go to playground anymore I taught her how to climb our stairs between the floors, in all four, like pets, and she was very good at it from the first time. I’m putting her to practice this 2-3 times a day, good training for increasing her legs muscles.

And we also walk slowly with support from mommy, but she is doing it a bit weird, twisting her legs, like models on a catwalk.

And she can stand herself up in two legs, right from the ground, with no support at all! And she is so happy about it! She is doing this almost all the time while we are in the big bed, because she knows there is no harm if she ends up falling, but she tries it also upstairs in the living room.

But yesterday she managed to pull herself on top of the small table over the heating pipes, by the balcony’s window. You have to see a picture to understand what is this so I will wait for her to do it again.

Aaand she is kissing me! I taught her from when she was a tiny baby the eskimo kiss and now she comes to me and she is rubbing her nose to mine and then she kisses me also on the cheek or on the lips wherever she manages and then she laughs!

And she is cuter and cuter everyday, now that her hair has grown a bit she really looks like a girl, so I’ve started to dress her more in dresses… as long as the weather allows it.

I’m mentally writing this blog post for 30 minutes now.

I changed the title and the topic several times, even in those 3 minutes when I was brushing my teeth.

After I finished washing myself for bed, I took the phone with the intention of writing just: “I wanted to write a blog post, but I couldn’t decide what to put in it and in the end it doesn’t even matter if I write it or not, it’s not like it’s going to change anything, so I’m going back to re-watching Anne with an E”. I absolutely loved this series!

But… as it turns out, I somehow like to write. So, I guess I’m writing this for me and for my daughter. If it will not be something of value for her, at least I hope she will be amused by her mom’s… creativity. Or lack of it.

One of the most important things that I don’t understand about myself is WHY this constant lack of satisfaction with my achievements. It’s like, from time to time, comes A WAVE that makes me shy out and cry of how inadequate I am and how inefficient I’m using my resources. And how, maybe, with just a little more encouragement from the outside world, I would’ve achieved much more. And how sometimes, I’m putting myself in the shoes of what was and I realize once again that I did my best at that time being.

Intelligence is by far not enough to succeed in life. I mean, is not like I’m over-estimating myself or bragging about it, I am in the top 2% of the population. At least this is according to the test I took for Mensa, 15 years ago.

But this isn’t what brought me “into the depths of despair”… What actually triggered me was when I discovered my life path number, about 13 years ago. Let’s put it this way: “there is WAY too much scope for the imagination”. Too many possibilities to procrastinate, instead of actually doing something.

Every single day I feel like I’m falling more and more behind from what I am supposed to be. Ok, ok. Drama alert.

Now, seriously, do you know what you’re supposed to be? I mean? Really know it? Not just something your parents directed you to be or some personality test you took when you were not even 18. Maybe something you dreamed when you were just a baby and then you forgot. Because I know I dreamed so many things, but slowly reality sat in.

But I do have stories. Deep stories. Some success ones and some “need improvement” ones. My mom used to call me “Prințesa Fandosica” when I was a toddler, because she said I was very much acting like one. I’m not sure how you could translate this in English. It’s truly scary how much influence the way we were treated in our first years of life has in our emotional being as an adult. I wonder when and how I managed to lose all that swag.

Is very hard to be a woman nowadays. At least we have proper feminine hygiene products and more or less free access to proper contraception, not like in the past century.

Anyhow… I’m looking forward for the next century, when babies will be conceived and born in an artificial womb, so that women will not have to stress ourselves for recovering our figure of “being pulled through a ring” and not having to endure babies biting our nipples. Things that men will never have the privilege to experience.

I started watching the Netflix series “God” and I need to put this down, my conclusion from my life so far (very little from what I’ve seen so far in the first 2.5 episodes of this series, as most of the main stuff I already knew, from my travels and from my esoteric studies), before I get myself influenced by other ideas from this 3rd episode of Creation..

So who/what is God?

Well… the way I see it, we are. All of us. The last and the most evolved one from us. So far we consider ourselves the most evolved specie on Earth. Most probably there are more evolved species of us already living on other planets, but that’s not that relevant here.

For me, God is the ultimate genetic engineer, since He created all matter and all matter has a code. We, in the year 2020 A.D. are already capable of reading our genetic code, to manipulate this code in order to enhance some caracteristics or to eliminate others.

Ok, so far we did this over the genetic code of plants and maybe some small animals. We are able to see in the code taken from the amniotic fluid if the fetus has or not certain genes. We can read the genetic code of a virus… We are very close to create meat in a laboratory (if not done already).

All the discoveries that we made so far, maybe from the discovery of the fire, the relativity theory, organs transplants and in vitro fertilizations, they are not “playing God”, they are “training us to become God”. We are what we will have to become. There is free will, but in the same time everything is already written. We have the power to decide our future, but in the same time the future already exists, in the way we decided it. When we finally decided it.

Hence, if God already exists, how come we become God?

In order to understand this, we must transcend the 3rd dimension. We must see past, present and future all at once. All that was and all that will be, happens in the same time. Everything that we do, right or wrong, eventually leads us to perfection. And once perfection is achieved, in the infinite future, all backward dimensions are filled up automatically (=history) – and this is exactly what happened at Big Bang. The end finally met the beginning.

We just happened to be born in this time now, to be conscious mostly into the 3rd dimension, but all the other dimensions and all the other evolutionary steps are already there. They all exist and co-exist. We just can’t see them. Yet.

Imagine being on a small twig on a branch of a tree. We have to continue, in order to meet the nodes and align with what exists on the adiacent branches. Like a road that has two lanes in one way and then it will have just one, all cars are patiently getting together one by one like a zipper. Or some spring, going to become a river, then a sea and then an ocean.

Mathematical Dimensions and Heaven Dimensions they are all the same thing, just seen from different perspectives. We are not disjunctive entities, we are all conjunctive, but not anymore in this life (maybe due to past lifes traumas?). We are conjunctive at a spirit level, not at an ego level.

“We are human, but we come from apes”, is just as true as God created the Man. Because God “created” both the apes and The Man in the same time. Yes, both the egg and the chicken existed in the same time. Because time doesn’t even exist. Everything is just as real as it is just a figment of our imagination.

WE created our future selves and we keep re-doing it, thought by thought. It’s always the final thought that counts, the one that creates motion. I mean, you think, you think, you think, but then you just suddenly get up and do something. That’s creation. I knew this from more than a decade ago, but I didn’t know how to explain it. To myself.

Remember my LG tablet? The one I bought in 2014 (or 2015?)? It is my main tool for Netflix and I was using it also with Youtube music when I was on the treadmill. Well… Sometime in October, when I was scheduled to have another running session and Leo didn’t come at the agreed time to stay with the baby, I got so furious that I hit with all my power the tablet on the hand support of the treadmill..

So the screen unglued itself in one corner, but it was still working fine. Well.. Yesterday I took it fast from under the bed and put it aside, for miminko to not find it and chew it, but it fell 😦 and it was not turning on anymore. I was a bit upset, but yeah.. I was planning its obituary in my mind and I left it on Leo’s desk. In the evening I went to take it back and it was still working!!!! Yeeey!!! I guess he worked some magic on it.

Now, about more serious stuff: I finished also “Anne with an E” and it got me sad because I enjoyed it so very much!

And finding myself in a “what to do next with my life” crysis, I ended up ordering another ACCA book, for the F8 paper, Audit and Assurance. Yeah, if I didn’t die while studying for F9, considering also the award that I received for it (highest marks in the Czech Republic in the March 2020 exams session, for this exam), I guess I am good at something.

Also, I am now significantly considering to buy a chair for baby for bike, I studied some models and I remained with Hamax Kiss for the time being. Will see from where I will buy it.

But I hate that it’s very cold outside. Summer is few days away but outside is November weather.. today at noon we had 11 degrees. We had some errands to run in the city and then we had lunch at Leo’s favourite vegan restaurant, this, after having ordered home two days ago, from the indian one. And yesterday I took baby for a small trip until Olesna, to see the bloomed chestnuts and to study if Tom’s is also open and we  “shared” one ice-cream in the way back, but it was a horrible wind.

Otherwise, I’m still playing that numbers game on the phone, my score now is 19.265.974 😃

I don’t know what to write anymore, I found some games on my phone and I got very captivated (one in particular), which also gave me the opportunity to reflect about the past months… It’s been hard, with the exams, with baby’s new milestones, with the lockdown… I wrote some posts, then I deleted them.

I hope from now on things will start to turn a bit better, for the past days I found the courage to take the stroller for short walks around the house, hopefully we can continue. And we also bought baby a swing, so we will be spending more fun time outside, once it will get a bit better, it’s rainy for the past 2 days, max 14 degrees at midday, which for me is cold.

So yeah.. keeping up with the good work.