Some say we are our thoughts, our choices or our knowledge.. Our possessions or our memories. Or our name.

From all I learned in this life so far, I believe we are what we leave behind. And I do want to leave something behind and to change the world for the better, as better as I can, day by day.

As for leaving behind, if you look at it from the cosmo perspective, we are the worst species the Earth has ever had. But that’s a different story, and you know it well, Greta can provide more details about it.

What I’m trying to write now is addressing the individual level.

The world has changed, the way we interact with eachother has changed. The generations have changed. Absolutely everything you post online may come under scrutinity and may be used against you. Each dialogue you have online can be seen and judged by many others, some will resonate with your opinion, some will not.

So, do your best each time and, with each critique you receive, you have the opportunity to learn something new and to grow. Don’t let yourself swim in the same water for years. You will end up being 60+, wrinkled and bitter. Literally.

Yeah. I received a comment in a group, that left me a bit disturbed. It’s fine, I was expecting to meet also haters. But this doesn’t mean that I also have to accept their negative energy.

But there was a part that I’d like to expand. I was argued that I write too much and I’m not “putting my shoulder to hard work”, to do something useful, aligned with the direction of the group. Among other things, that, for my own sanity, I prefered to ignore. But I am putting my shoulder to work, the intelectual one! And it’s employing much more energy than the physical one. It’s ok, the world is big enough for everyone, we don’t need to tread on each other’s toes.

I know my value. It took me a lot to learn it. I’m very creative and I cannot keep it just for myself and I do my best to wrap it in a clean form. And I also know what I still need to learn. And what I am meant to leave behind. And it’s spreading to various fields and domains. I know why I chose to be part of that group and I know that my input is appreciated by those who need it.

I also appreciate very much when somebody is showing me my mistakes on spot, but when you say I made a mistake and you don’t tell me what was it, is the opposite of what I’m doing.

What he did was not helping, it was just spreading hate. This is how I see it. And it’s fine, I don’t need to be liked by everyone. So I made him a huge favor and I blocked him. If he cannot control himself to ignore what I write, I decided to spare him the missery. Now he has more time “for his job and his family” and to employ his shoulder to do his hard work without being disturbed by my “too much” and “too correct” input (the last part I added myself, to portay also the envy I received).

Fair enough? It was clearly a dissonant encounter, why torture ourselves trying to achieve balance?! And I saw what he recently left behind also, nothing useful for me to learn from. At least not on this development path that I am now.

I do my best to be true to myself. Is not always easy, because I’m constantly being influenced by the people I love. I change and I admit it only when I want to and only if I really need to. Which makes me think, next time I will receive a disturbing comment, I will use this line: “and what did you intend to achieve with this comment?”, to save me of writing another blog post.

Another thing, saying to someone that their question is stupid or cretin is not making you score more points, on the contrary, it shows how rigid and limited You are. All opinions should be encouraged. You never know what new things you may learn.

Helping someone to learn something new – like the proper way to spell in their native language – is a good enough reason for me to continue. There are many ways to serve your country and everybody has the right to express their own opinion, as long as it stays within the limits stated by the Constitution.

And to conclude, I love this definition of Stupidity: “causing harm to yourself or to others, for no reason”. Is this an insult? Is not, if it’s the truth.

Mic drop.

In whisper, while leaving the scene: I joke only with the people I love. For everything else that doesn’t make sense, there is a block button. You should try it sometimes.

This week we had mom and dad over. I studied exactly 1 page :))

Yesterday we decided to unfreeze and clean the freezer.. We ended up turning upside down all living room and adiacent storage room.. We worked like crazy.. Now I have both the treadmill and the couch in the room. But this means I have no more desktop computer, again, no room for that anymore. And I only had it for two weeks!

Yeah, so from next week I should start running, to release the remaining baby weight. And, probably some time in the end of the next week, baby will start solids!!! This should be fun.

I felt so bad today after we came back home after the baptize. I don’t know, either I was too cold, either I ate something weird, either I developed a migraine from the hair coloring conditioner smell from last evening, either I received a “bad-eye” thing.. Mom said it was just stress getting out.

Seriously, it might be a Romanian thing but this is exactly how I felt: sudden headache, dizziness, sleepyness, nausea, mental fog.. It got better barely after the 2nd paracetamol.. I feel good enough now to be able to write this. But I still have the impression that I see with only one eye.

And I finally fell with the chair! Remember that office chair I bought few years ago, the one with wheels. I don’t remember how it ended up downstairs but lately I was using it for eating, at the big table. It was also very useful for nursing and rocking baby, because it is leaning in the back. Each time dad was seeing me leaning he was telling me that I will fall with it… When they left after the visit in Spring, somehow the chair got blocked, it was not possible to lean back with it. But last week Leo finally understood what I was complaining about and he managed to unlock it.

On Wednesday at 9 am I almost broke my left arm… When I fell, somehow the left arm got trapped behind it.. It hurted horribly, I almost fainted. I asked mom to give baby a bottle of formula because I didn’t see myself capable of nursing, I rubbed Voltarene on the area around the wound which was a carpet burn and kept ice on it for 2 hours.. I was afraid I broke it. I could’ve broken my head on the pantry door, I missed only by few centimeters, I hurted my elbow though..

And then, from that night, a throat pain started.. I ate 5 or 6 Isla pills and it stopped.. I hope they are breastfeeding compatible, I forgot to check, and they are working better than Strepsils.

Now, an interesting thing about the baptize: the Godmother’s name is the same as the baby’s name!! I must’ve known this but then I forgot.. I knew well the Godfather, but I only had seen her before only one time, several years ago. They are expecting their 3rd. Brave. And another fun thing: apparently the baby needed a Patron name, aside from her first name.. And this is how my baby ended up having exactly the same two names that I wanted in the first place. And they’re both secret. 😀

And! I almost forgot, another very good thing that happened this week: I got my result from the F7 exam: 83%!!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes! My best result in the ACCA exams so far. So, I guess this means to be studying properly. I’m now more than half in the study for F9, but I don’t have the same appetite.. I think I will postpone this one for March session. The Sun is transiting my 12th House, this is my time to rest… mentally. I kinda need it.

Stay tuned, coming soon with the blog post en français!

Later edit: remember that little ring I was having on the back of the phone, to be able to scroll Facebook with one hand while breastfeeding? Yeah, I broke it. Wednesday or Thursday, don’t remember exactly. Lucky I had 2 more. Yeah, I managed to break a 2nd one, exactly the same way, just the day after… It’s like they have some expiration date or something…

I always heard and still hear or read about this, mostly from parents with a more than decent financial position, mostly, probably, trying to show that they care. If I ever said or wrote about it myself, well, I changed my mind.

Last night I did an important step in my life, which brought me some small revelations. Small step for the world, but a big one for me, personally. I will probably write about it with a later occasion.

So.. investing in a child. In the child’s education. Starting with private kindergarten and ending with college abroad. Sounds fancy, but it’s wrong. You know why? Because an investment implies a certain amount of return. What kind of return are you expecting from your child? A very good job in the future? Will you expect to benefit from this job also, as a parent? Having a decent life after retirement is your job, not theirs.

You know, we Romanian have a saying “make a child to have someone to bring you a glass of water when you are old”. I don’t resonate with this. I don’t expect my daughter to bring me a glass of water when I am old, because she will have her own babies to nurse. I believe is not fair for the kid to add such a big responsibility on their shoulders.

The times have changed. In the developed countries people can decide (more or less) when to have kids. I’m not including here the cases when the child was conceived by accident or without consent. I am talking about a planned and wanted child. Nowadays kids are not made like on a factory line, to be employed from a young age, to help at the farm. Except from cases when parents belong to some movement or cult, in the developed countries the families usually have 1 or 2 kids, enough to have the means to raise them healthy and properly educated.

Anyway, you got the point. So, saying that you invest in your child shows egoism. You can invest in yourself, by taking post-graduate classes or arts or whatever, because it’s you and it’s about you and you are capable enough to understand the responsibility. You know that you expect a promotion after those classes or a change of career. I mean, you can sure put them in private kindergarten, raise them multi-lingual, send them to college abroad, but don’t take it as an investment.

One of the things that left me disturbed from my childhood years is that I never knew (in advance) what are the expectations, but I was qualified as “needs improvement”. In the exceptional cases. In the usual cases I was called plain “not good of anything”. What can this mean? That the investment return was negative? How miserable must be the life of that parent to be capable of calling a child like this..

In conclusion, raising and educating a child should be unconditional. I’m not feeding and entertaining my child as an investment. There might be one small exception on this: health. Especially dental, which is the most expensive to treat. Considering that, until certain age, I will have to pay for the dental care, I might consider an investment a proper hygiene routine and regular preventive checks. But the child will know what is expected from them: to brush their teeth at least 2 times a day, floss at least one time a week, just like their parents do, nowadays.

Also, is much more than egoism to expect from the child more than you expect from yourself, solely because you provided them with much better learning conditions than what you had. Ok, ok, our parents and our grand-parents from the little they had they decided to “invest” in the kids. They did a small mistake. They should have invested in themselves. And let the child decide (age appropriate) if and how much they want to invest in themselves. You, as a parent, except from seeing your child healthy and happy, should not expect anything else.

Just that, too often, parents push kids too much and forget what their job as a parent really is about: just to love them, always, unconditional and no matter what. Everything else is an illusion.

So, yesterday I spent 4h just for myself, while baby was in the care of her daddy, Leo. I was having the Financial Reporting (F7) exam. I was dreaming about this moment for the past month, excited what the topics will be.

It was extremely hot in the room… In a big room with about 30 laptop stations prepared, we were just 7 people, for the afternoon session of the exam. I had my exam in British Council in BRNO. It was a building functioning for more than 100 years, while nobody did any improvements to it. Ok, maybe just in the restrooms.

I even had with me a change of clothes on a hanger: office trousers, shirt, sweater.. but in the last minute I decided not to change and remain with the travelling activewear clothes and good I did. None of the other candidates was dressed office, two women had even beach shoes and pants, maybe they were there before 😀

Because we had at least 30 degrees in the room during the exam. They didn’t have air conditioning, just a lousy fan in the ceiling, but there must have been also a heat source somewhere (except for the sun) because I could always feel like a hot breeze over my shoulders. In the middle of the exam I was feeling like I’m fainting… I should’ve eaten more and drank more water… but yeah.. My “traditional Red Bull before exam” this time had to be replaced with a cocktail of 2 pills of Magnesium, 1 B-Complex Forte and 1 Iron.

The exam topics were decent, but very worky… I mean, they didn’t just test our knowledge of the topics, they tested also our nerves. I’m not very happy that in 2019 we still have to use small calculator for exams, but, yeah, at least they are computer based. I wonder if students in college are still doing their exams on paper 😀

There was absolutely nothing about Earnings per Share, no loan notes, no leases, just one tiny mention of a bank loan, no tax calculations, just a tricky question with a deferred tax on a revaluation surplus and one “tax refund” in the Trial Balance in one of the big questions. There was one long item in the 1st big question about some contract to supply some goods, that I skipped because I couldn’t figure out from where to grab it.  The 2nd big question was asking to calculate the profit on disposal of subsidiary, some ratios and then give some decent interpretations.

There were too many questions with Property, plant and equipment.. One question also with a government grant, it probably got me even more grey hairs and in the end I used a random choice, because I couldn’t get to any of the numbers in the given choices.

So yeah, I had my F7 exam and Leo had his parenting exam 🙂 According to him, baby slept 1.5h in two sessions, cried 7 minutes and drank 70ml from the formula baby bottle. They had to move the car two times from where they parked, apparently they were occupying reserved spots..

So yeah, my baby is breastfed exclusively… except for the time when I am in exams, which is 4h/3 months. But, actually, in December she will have already started solids, so no harm here. It’s like she knew in what she was getting herself yesterday, because in the past two nights before the exam she woke up for feeding each 2.5h, just like when she was one month old. In the day before the exam I changed 10 diapers :D, but compensated yesterday with just 5.. And 2 last night.

About last night, I don’t know if it was the adrenaline from the exam or the tiramisu I had in IKEA in the way back home, but I couldn’t fall asleep.. We got home at 20:10, baby fed and capitulated around 21:00, after sleeping also for 1.5h in the last section of the road. So, at around 22 I gave up falling asleep and I went downstairs for some snack. I came back at 01 😀 At 03 baby woke up for food, I was having my nose stuck and my head was so dizzy as if I just went down from a roller-coaster. At 06 again. At 07:30 again. At 8:30 I made the bed,  opened the windows and took her downstairs.

Now, as baby sleeps, I have one load of our laundry to hang, some baby clothes to iron (while I finish my coffee and dream about what I’m going to order for lunch) and to catch up with my Netflix. After my tablet will charge, as I haven’t even touched it for the past two weeks. 😀 Don’t get me wrong, I’m at episode 215 from Muñeca Brava on the phone on Youtube, it’s my current treat when I’m breastfeeding baby, as I’m spending around 2.5h per day, in total, doing this. I hope she will catch some Spanish in the process.

And probably in the afternoon I will start browsing the F9 (Financial Management) study books, that I received by mail on Wednesday. Curious how many typing errors I will find in these ones… And I have to wait until the week of 14th of October for the result from F7.

No, is not a random number. It’s something I just discovered in Excel. Will Mankind still exist on Earth until then? Will Time still exist until then?

Boring, right? I mean, I’m procrastinating instead of calculating the Diluted Earnings per Share. Excel is distracting me when is converting my numbers in dates…

Diluted… Why not Concentrated? Too many problems. I want to go back to sleeeep. Baby woke up at 5:30 and again I couldn’t fall back asleep.

Talking about fall.. There is a late October weather outside… 15 degrees and foggy. It even smells like carved pumpkins and cinnamon. Just jokin’. I need my sleep.

Since Jupiter came back direct, few days ago, I’m finding myself more confused than ever. I’m “seeing” how my future would look like and I’m very unsure about some things. I don’t know anything about parenting, for example. Because parenting means properly raising your own child. And I have never raised my own child before, all I know is from what I didn’t like from how I was raised and from the stories about the experiences of other parents. And these circumstances will probably never happen again… so… going forward I can only patiently figure it out.

Regarding my study… I went one time through all the study material, some parts even more than one time and things I was sure I understood, two weeks ago, now I have to understand again, because I’m doing tests and I see I’m making mistakes. And 30% of the mistakes are “lack of focus” mistakes. And I don’t know what pains me more, the fact that I’m doing stupid mistakes or the fact that I’m finding stupid mistakes in the books. I gave up counting them when I got to twenty..

When I’m spending all my free time studying (and starting to hate it lately) I wonder why I even started it. Why I got into this maze… And is so hard. Is hard because I don’t know how to be a pass-grade student… And is hard when I’m coming back from the exam with a 55%, for example, knowing how much time I spent studying trying to understand everything. A 50% mark means something like “you barely understood”. I mean, the exam questions are very time-consuming and if you don’t have in your mind the map of what you have to do, instantly, when you read the question, if you have to think about what you have to do, you are lost. Also, even if I’m working in English for several years now, studying (and writing extensive comments over complex topics) in a language that is not my native one is hard. Is very energy consuming. And right now I’m failing to see the light at the end of this maze: is it really worth it?

I’m changing. With every day that passes, spending all my time with this little human, I’m changing. I’m seeing so many things from my life so differently right now. My expectations regarding my integrity and my morality have raised exponentially. And the guilt. Ooooohhh! The guilt! The constant stress: is she warm, is she cold, is she fed enough, is she comfortable enough, is that red-mark on her forehead a mosquito bite, a scratch or something else? She is expert at scratching her face. And I’m having so much stress cutting her nails, they grow so fast! You have to cut them two times a week… And I cannot cut more than two in one session.. Now she has a red dot on a finger also… If that is a mosquito bite I don’t know how she handles it. I had a bite last week on my arm and my body reacted as if it was a wasp bite. I put Fenistil and it got even worse. The other 5 bites that I accumulated in the same period on my legs didn’t get that bad. And yes, I know we have to put a net at the windows, because it was very hot and we slept with the bathroom window and the door open. And I killed more than 10 mosquitoes already, but sometimes they are too sneaky, I’m seeing them after they bit me.

Yeah.. And then we have to put fences at the stairs, for when she will start crawling. And some polyurethane on the marble floors downstairs. And protections at the cabinets corners… And the bathroom upstairs is still not finished. And her room is still not finished. So heah, God help us! I had to bring mom over to wash the windows and the drapes and clean all the dust and spider webs from all the corners. She even ironed the curtains before putting them back! She even made us berries jam. In the two weeks that she spent here she didn’t stay a bit!

I’m looking now at some spider web on the ceiling, here in the room, and it makes me even more depressed. It would take me literally 10 seconds to clean it. But today is Saint Mary, in my religion, you should not do any laundry or cleaning or working with tools. But I did a load of baby’s laundry anyway, otherwise all that regurgitated milk and pee accidents would start to stink. And, please forgive me, Saint Mary, but I’m going to clean that spider web right now! I will leave the carpets full of Bonnie’s hair for Leo to vacuum them tomorrow, first thing when he comes home..

So yeah.. I don’t know if this is post-partum depression, as I was having this feeling again before.. but something it is. I feel numb. Like a robot. But a stuck robot… With tears almost there to leak down on my cheeks.

And I will probably delete this blog post tomorrow. When more guilt will find me, regarding spelling mistakes that I made in it. I wonder how I became a perfectionist from a child that was always told that she is not good for anything… I’m sure I’m not good at everything, probably at things that I should be, but I’m definitely not “not good for anything”. So I beg you parents, I beg you in my knees, please don’t ever say this to your children! Yes, I am aware that such parents will not even see to read this.

Brb, I have a spider web to clean. Please forgive me, dear Virgin Mary. I’m going crazy if I don’t clean that now.

Oh.. And the hair!! As much I was bragging that it will not happen to me also, because I took expensive prenatal vitamins all pregnancy and after, I’m loosing my hair! I find them everywhere, including in her mouth and it her diaper. And they are getting under my glasses and make my eyes and my face itch. It makes me want to shave my head!

PS. For more perspective… Today I have Full Moon transit IC, also opposite Mars and Venus.

I’ve been fussy all day, trying to find an answer to the question “What to do with the rest of my life”, visualizing how I will write a blog post about it, but then giving up, thinking that nobody would want to read about it.. I mean, nobody would want to read the grand majority of my blog posts, unless they know me or have some special interest or care regarding my life path 😀

Until I saw on Diana’s FB page, the Fine one, that she wrote an entry about this question :)) Ha! Coincidence much? Anyway, now I have the guts to write also.

The thing is.. I always wanted to raise and educate a child, so I can apply what was never applied with me. But my memories (and my traumas, for that matter) of my faulty education, started around school time. My baby is not even 2 months old. There isn’t much you can do to entertain a 2 months old, except being there when she needs boob, diaper change or to see your face. She is so much observing lately, with her big blue eyes, she’s trying to laugh when I make faces to her, when I squeeze plastic bags or I rip papers. And when I clap her hands.

I always wondered how my parents survived for the past 20+ years with the same employer, more or less also the same position. My mom tried to further educate herself by taking Microsoft Office classes, Psychology/Pedagogy module and basic English, so she will become a proper teacher… But I don’t know what went wrong in the process, as she is still (just) Lab Assistant… responsible for the science Labs. Even if she does have University studies, Engineering even. I remember when I was in University I told her that she was stupid for not aspiring for more in her career… She got very upset and told me that I am ungrateful for the time she dedicated to us.

My dad had to follow a Management Master’s Degree so he can obtain the higher Management position in his Office, which he did have for few years. Otherwise he worked as Forest Engineer. Now he is recently retired. I wonder what he does all day 😀 I will ask him next month, June was always his yearly vacation month so he might’ve not realized yet that he doesn’t have a job anymore. On the other hand, my dad was never present to any of our school events, he had no idea what our teachers names are and never been to any doctor checks with us. That’s why I want to involve my baby’s dad into everything, so far baby’s bath time is the most expected time to spend all 3 together.

But what about me? I mean, luckily I can afford to spend 2 years in Leave for raising baby.. I hope once she will be bigger I can take her out for longer walks in the park. Now, if she’s literally dependent on boob.. it’s frustrating to take it out every half hour, in the rare occasions when we eat out for dinner, I always have her on my lap, otherwise she cries. And I cannot stand to hear her cry when I know I own the magical potion that would make her stop. 😀

Ok, long story short. After I left my home-town, I lived for 10 years in Bucharest. Ok, with a break of 5 months while I was studying and doing work Internship in Spain. This year I’m counting 7 since I left my home-country. Still flying there for vacation few times a year.. Last time was in July last year.. Hoping to get there again in September this year, packed also with the baby 🙂

I had.. Travel Agency, BPO Company, Call-Center… So 3 employers, before the current one. Currently the 3rd project/team with this employer. Ok, what I’m trying to express here: for our generation, is kinda impossible to hold the same job (more or less, let’s say the same field) with the same employer for 20+ years. And even so, if you are working in Outsourcing or Consulting, you change so many projects, while still keeping the same job. I wonder how will this job market look like 10-20 years from now.

As for the skills that my baby will need for when she will start working, I can only speculate.. I “see” the home-working freelancing industry is growing exponentially, so I’m hoping the work-centers will slowly dissolve, the traffic jams in the cities will slowly disappear… I “see” much more people on bikes or using transportation means on alternative fuel.. I “see” robots and AI everywhere. I mean, try to think backwards, how much the way we access information has changed in the past 20-30 years…

Be right back… I have a diaper to change and a boob to employ. For the time being. I’ll (try to) correct the spelling mistakes when I am back.

Update: My dad just video-called me :)) He said by mistake, he was testing his new phone. :)) Sure. Mistake. I prefer to call it synchronicity.

Between 3 and 5:20 this morning…

So, I was with my mom and some other people that she knew, we were trying to get passed a fence into a garden, apparently private property. I don’t know why, but my mom was very pushy about it. I was speaking very loud and they didn’t like it, as I was not supposed to draw any attention. It was night. I kept telling them that maybe we should not get in, if it’s private property, but they said it’s for our spiritual development… Inside there were so many amazing flowers, some blue and indigo ones, extremely beautiful..

And… we got caught! And they took my clothes and my identity.. ?!.. And they took also my brother, I had a big energetical fight for saving him, like the ones Harry Potter and Voldemort were having, but I couldn’t. I was then kicked out and I saw my mom in a very fancy car with very expensive clothes on her and I immediately knew: She sold us out! Her own children!

I was devastated… Lost all faith in humanity.

Apparently I was living in a cheap hotel or something like this. I went back there and they didn’t let me in.. They said they have no more free rooms. I was hungry. I asked, almost begged, if they have some job for me, I would work even as cleaning lady as long as they will let me stay. I don’t remember if I got a job or not, but I did get some food.

And then some delivery person brings me an envelope. In the envelope there was a letter and a banknote of 100 ron. In the note it was saying something like: “Welcome to your new life, in the service of the Good” “all your life so far you have been trained for this moment” “this is your daily allowance, for the rest of your life”. There was also a sender: Oana, my former colleague from the job. (It has some more meaning, why her, but it would be too long to describe it). And I was like: “Interesting, I was expecting something like this might happen to me, at turning 33 years old, not 36…”

I’m turning 36 this year, in December. Should I take it as a premonition?

Ok, so.. In the end I accepted my new status and my new way of compensation and I told the ones from the hotel if they can add also a soup, as now I have money to pay for it. 😀

I went back to my room. There was still a lot happening, like a day long of events, but not that interesting. Then, almost at the end of the 2nd day, I met more people like me and I heard some of them talking that maybe they should give me my allowance for tomorrow already, as they were thinking I might not get also tomorrow “there”…

And I started to get back my motivation to live.. I was telling them, “you know, I’m not that lousy, I do have some powers myself. I can levitate and fly, whenever I want. Although, nobody seems to care, this power is not worth anything…”

And in the second I lifted myself about 5m from the ground, all the people around us freezed from what they were doing and now they were all facing me, like prepared for attack or something. “Hmm.. Looks like, in this new life, this does worth something, as they do care!”

And, as I was back down, I walked to the garage. That garage… the one that has been haunting all my teenage years. There was his car parked in front and he was in it. It was a fancy car, it makes me say some McLaren, although I’m not sure I have even seen how one looks like. I slowly opened the door, I mean, it went so smooth, and I sat myself on the passenger seat, very decided.

I didn’t say anything and he was acting very natural, as if this is what he was waiting from me for all his life so far. The car started moving and we were ready to leave the city behind. We started kissing and he wanted to take of his belt. I helped him take off his sweater. I told him to put the car in Auto-pilot mode.

And then… Here I was, at the beginning of the 3rd day, back to my hotel room. The door lock was not working, to properly close it.. There were more, actually, but all broken… So he got inside. Apparently this “he” was my current life-partner. Or he was, before “my change”. I had a fight with him, accusing him that he was an accomplice of my mom when she sold me out. And then, I left him.. I left the hotel.

I don’t know where I was, but then, some women approached me and they gave me a fist full of coins. At first I thought they were making fun of me, but they said with a grave voice that I should treasure them, because they are made of gold and some other precious metals. I had 4 goldy ones, I was told they are worth 5000 ron each and that I should spend them wisely.

I asked why I got them, I thought my allowance is just 100 ron daily. They said is because I dared to pursue what I truly wanted and not what was expected from me. And sometimes, for doing this, I’m entitled to get some extra. Hmmm.. Interesting.. Very interesting.

And then I asked: but what about my current savings, in my bank account.. Can I access them? I have few hundred.. (I was referring to czk) And they said no, it’s not possible. And then I added “thousand. Few hundred thousand”. And they were looking at each other confused. And they said, “no, these are family money with your former-partner, they are his now, since you left him”. And I said “no, no, these are all mine, we have separate savings accounts”.

They were looking very confused. The leader one was even angry.. She said “Hmm.. in this case it might be an error. Let me check” And she was talking with some of them: “Who brought this one here?! You didn’t do your full background check for her, she is independent, we cannot touch her, she does not qualify for this program”. And I immediately understood that by independent, financially independent, they actually meant “karma independent”.

And then my baby woke up and was begging for food. I woke up also, I dragged her from her bed, next to me, and I connected her to the boob.. While trying to remember my dream. She fell back asleep in 10 min and I got the chance to write about my crazy dream.

I think I never had such an intense and spiritually-full dream, all my life so far…  Now I’m trying to remember what I had for dinner and what movies I saw yesterday that could have caused this.

She woke up again. I have a diaper change to do now 😀