Category Archives: Writings in English

Existential crisis part II

Since Jupiter came back direct, few days ago, I’m finding myself more confused than ever. I’m “seeing” how my future would look like and I’m very unsure about some things. I don’t know anything about parenting, for example. Because parenting means properly raising your own child. And I have never raised my own child before, all I know is from what I didn’t like from how I was raised and from the stories about the experiences of other parents. And these circumstances will probably never happen again… so… going forward I can only patiently figure it out.

Regarding my study… I went one time through all the study material, some parts even more than one time and things I was sure I understood, two weeks ago, now I have to understand again, because I’m doing tests and I see I’m making mistakes. And 30% of the mistakes are “lack of focus” mistakes. And I don’t know what pains me more, the fact that I’m doing stupid mistakes or the fact that I’m finding stupid mistakes in the books. I gave up counting them when I got to twenty..

When I’m spending all my free time studying (and starting to hate it lately) I wonder why I even started it. Why I got into this maze… And is so hard. Is hard because I don’t know how to be a pass-grade student… And is hard when I’m coming back from the exam with a 55%, for example, knowing how much time I spent studying trying to understand everything. A 50% mark means something like “you barely understood”. I mean, the exam questions are very time-consuming and if you don’t have in your mind the map of what you have to do, instantly, when you read the question, if you have to think about what you have to do, you are lost. Also, even if I’m working in English for several years now, studying (and writing extensive comments over complex topics) in a language that is not my native one is hard. Is very energy consuming. And right now I’m failing to see the light at the end of this maze: is it really worth it?

I’m changing. With every day that passes, spending all my time with this little human, I’m changing. I’m seeing so many things from my life so diferently right now. My expectations regarding my integrity and my morality have raised exponentially. And the guilt. Ooooohhh! The guilt! The constant stress: is she warm, is she cold, is she fed enough, is she comfortable enough, is that red-mark on her forehead a mosquito bite, a scratch or something else? She is expert at scratching her face. And I’m having so much stress cutting her nails, they grow so fast! You have to cut them two times a week… And I cannot cut more than two in one session.. Now she has a red dot on a finger also… If that is a mosquito bite I don’t know how she handels it. I had a bite last week on my arm and my body reacted as if it was a wasp bite. I put Fenistil and it got even worse. The other 5 bites that I accumulated in the same period on my legs didn’t get that bad. And yes, I know we have to put a net at the windows, because it was very hot and we slept with the bathroom window and the door open. And I killed more than 10 mosquitoes already, but sometimes they are too sneaky, I’m seeing them after they bit me.

Yeah.. And then we have to put fences at the stairs, for when she will start crawling. And some polyurethan on the marble floors downstairs. And protections at the cabinets corners… And the bathroom upstairs is still not finished. And her room is still not finished. So heah, God help us! I had to bring mom over to wash the windows and the drapes and clean all the dust and spider webs from all the corners. She even ironed the curtains before putting them back! She even made us berries jam. In the two weeks that she spent here she didn’t stay a bit!

I’m looking now at some spider web on the ceiling, here in the room, and it makes me even more depressed. It would take me literally 10 seconds to clean it. But today is Saint Mary, in my religion, you should not do any laundry or cleaning or working with tools. But I did a load of baby’s laundry anyway, otherwise all that regurcited milk and pee accidents would start to stink. And, please forgive me, Saint Mary, but I’m going to clean that spider web right now! I will leave the carpets full of Bonnie’s hair for Leo to vacuum them tomorrow, first thing when he comes home..

So yeah.. I don’t know if this is post-partum depression, as I was having this feeling again before.. but something it is. I feel numb. Like a robot. But a stuck robot… With tears almost there to leak down on my cheeks.

And I will probably delete this blog post tomorrow. When more guilt will find me, regarding spelling mistakes that I made in it. I wonder how I became a perfectionist from a child that was always told that she is not good for anything… I’m sure I’m not good at everything, probably at things that I should be, but I’m definitely not “not good for anything”. So I beg you parents, I beg you in my knees, please don’t ever say this to your children! Yes, I am aware that such parents will not even see to read this.

Brb, I have a spider web to clean. Please forgive me, dear Virgin Mary. I’m going crazy if I don’t clean that now.

Oh.. And the hair!! As much I was bragging that it will not happen to me also, because I took expensive prenatal vitamins all pregnancy and after, I’m loosing my hair! I find them everywhere, including in her mouth and it her diaper. And they are getting under my glasses and make my eyes and my face itch. It makes me want to shave my head!

PS. For more perspective… Today I have Full Moon transit IC, also opposite Mars and Venus.

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IAS 37 and IAS 10

Which means I’m at the middle of the study book for F7. These 2 more Standards and then I can go do all 200+ exercises from the Exam Kit book.

The rest (the previous 3 blog posts that I ulteriorly deleted) was just my brain regurgitating information 😀

Funny thing, I found another typo, this time in the Study Text book, at page 325, IAS 33:

It says: 1,0000 × (3-2)/3 = 333,333

Awesome, right?

And for perspective, Mars and Mercury are transiting in the middle of my 9th House, Mercury just went retrograde – which enables my errors finding “talent” (I found yet another one, but I’m searching now for the proper way to notify them, maybe I will get some discount for the future books) –  and Sun just entered here, soon to be followed by Venus. Which translates why I’ve been studying so compulsively lately…

The beginning of the rest of my life..

I’ve been fussy all day, trying to find an answer to the question “What to do with the rest of my life”, visualising how I will write a blog post about it, but then giving up, thinking that nobody would want to read about it.. I mean, nobody would want to read the grand majority of my blog posts, unless they know me or have some special interest or care regarding my life path 😀

Until I saw on Diana’s FB page, the Fine one, that she wrote an entry about this question :)) Ha! Coincidence much? Anyway, now I have the guts to write also.

The thing is.. I always wanted to raise and educate a child, so I can apply what was never applied with me. But my memories (and my traumas, for that matter) of my faulty education, started around school time. My baby is not even 2 months old. There isn’t much you can do to entertain a 2 months old, except being there when she needs boob, diaper change or to see your face. She is so much observing lately, with her big blue eyes, she’s trying to laugh when I make faces to her, when I squeeze plastic bags or I rip papers. And when I clap her hands.

I always wondered how my parents survived for the past 20+ years with the same employer, more or less also the same position. My mom tried to further educate herself by taking Microsoft Office classes, Psychology/Pedagogy module and basic English, so she will become a proper teacher… But I don’t know what went wrong in the process, as she is still (just) Lab Assistant… responsible for the science Labs. Even if she does have University studies, Engineering even. I remember when I was in University I told her that she was stupid for not aspiring for more in her career… She got very upset and told me that I am ungrateful for the time she dedicated to us.

My dad had to follow a Management Master’s Degree so he can obtain the higher Management position in his Office, which he did have for few years. Otherwise he worked as Forest Engineer. Now he is recently retired. I wonder what he does all day 😀 I will ask him next month, June was always his yearly vacation month so he might’ve not realised yet that he doesn’t have a job anymore. On the other hand, my dad was never present to any of our school events, he had no idea what our teachers names are and never been to any doctor checks with us. That’s why I want to involve my baby’s dad into everything, so far baby’s bath time is the most expected time to spend all 3 together.

But what about me? I mean, luckily I can afford to spend 2 years in Leave for raising baby.. I hope once she will be bigger I can take her out for longer walks in the park. Now, if she’s literally dependent on boob.. it’s frustrating to take it out every half hour, in the rare occasions when we eat out for dinner, I always have her on my lap, otherwise she cries. And I cannot stand to hear her cry when I know I own the magical potion that would make her stop. 😀

Ok, long story short. After I left my home-town, I lived for 10 years in Bucharest. Ok, with a break of 5 months while I was studying and doing work Internship in Spain. This year I’m counting 7 since I left my home-country. Still flying there for vacation few times a year.. Last time was in July last year.. Hoping to get there again in September this year, packed also with the baby 🙂

I had.. Travel Agency, BPO Company, Call-Center… So 3 employers, before the current one. Currently the 3rd project/team with this employer. Ok, what I’m trying to express here: for our generation, is kinda impossible to hold the same job (more or less, let’s say the same field) with the same employer for 20+ years. And even so, if you are working in Outsourcing or Consulting, you change so many projects, while still keeping the same job. I wonder how will this job market look like 10-20 years from now.

As for the skills that my baby will need for when she will start working, I can only speculate.. I “see” the home-working freelancing industry is growing exponentially, so I’m hoping the work-centers will slowly disolve, the traffic jams in the cities will slowly disappear… I “see” much more people on bikes or using transportation means on alternative fuel.. I “see” robots and AI everywhere. I mean, try to think backwards, how much the way we access information has changed in the past 20-30 years…

Be right back… I have a diaper to change and a boob to employ. For the time being. I’ll (try to) correct the spelling mistakes when I am back.

Update: My dad just video-called me :)) He said by mistake, he was testing his new phone. :)) Sure. Mistake. I prefer to call it synchronicity.

Omg, what a dream…

Between 3 and 5:20 this morning…

So, I was with my mom and some other people that she knew, we were trying to get passed a fence into a garden, apparently private property. I don’t know why, but my mom was very pushy about it. I was speaking very loud and they didn’t like it, as I was not supposed to draw any attention. It was night. I kept telling them that maybe we should not get in, if it’s private property, but they said it’s for our spiritual development… Inside there were so many amazing flowers, some blue and indigo ones, extremely beautiful..

And… we got caught! And they took my clothes and my identity.. ?!.. And they took also my brother, I had a big energetical fight for saving him, like the ones Harry Potter and Voldemort were having, but I couldn’t. I was then kicked out and I saw my mom in a very fancy car with very expensive clothes on her and I immediately knew: She sold us out! Her own children!

I was devastated… Lost all faith in humanity.

Aparently I was living in a cheap hotel or something like this. I went back there and they didn’t let me in.. They said they have no more free rooms. I was hungry. I asked, almost begged, if they have some job for me, I would work even as cleaning lady as long as they will let me stay. I don’t remember if I got a job or not, but I did get some food.

And then some delivery person brings me an envelope. In the envelope there was a letter and a banknote of 100 ron. In the note it was saying something like: “Welcome to your new life, in the service of the Good” “all your life so far you have been trained for this moment” “this is your daily allowance, for the rest of your life”. There was also a sender: Oana, my former colleague from the job. (It has some more meaning, why her, but it would be too long to describe it). And I was like: “Interesting, I was expecting something like this might happen to me, at turning 33 years old, not 36…”

I’m turning 36 this year, in December. Should I take it as a premonition?

Ok, so.. In the end I accepted my new status and my new way of compensation and I told the ones from the hotel if they can add also a soup, as now I have money to pay for it. 😀

I went back to my room. There was still a lot happening, like a day long of events, but not that interesting. Then, almost at the end of the 2nd day, I met more people like me and I heard some of them talking that maybe they should give me my allowance for tomorrow already, as they were thinking I might not get also tomorrow “there”…

And I started to get back my motivation to live.. I was telling them, “you know, I’m not that lousy, I do have some powers myself. I can levitate and fly, whenever I want. Although, nobody seems to care, this power is not worth anything…”

And in the second I lifted myself about 5m from the ground, all the people around us freezed from what they were doing and now they were all facing me, like prepared for attack or something. “Hmm.. Looks like, in this new life, this does worth something, as they do care!”

And, as I was back down, I walked to the garage. That garage… the one that has been haunting all my teenage years. There was his car parked in front and he was in it. It was a fancy car, it makes me say some McLaren, although I’m not sure I have even seen how one looks like. I slowly opened the door, I mean, it went so smooth, and I sat myself on the passenger seat, very decided.

I didn’t say anything and he was acting very natural, as if this is what he was waiting from me for all his life so far. The car started moving and we were ready to leave the city behind. We started kissing and he wanted to take of his belt. I helped him take off his sweater. I told him to put the car in Auto-pilot mode.

And then… Here I was, at the beginning of the 3rd day, back to my hotel room. The door lock was not working, to properly close it.. There were more, actually, but all broken… So he got inside. Apparently this “he” was my current life-partner. Or he was, before “my change”. I had a fight with him, accusing him that he was a complice of my mom when she sold me out. And then, I left him.. I left the hotel.

I don’t know where I was, but then, some women approached me and they gave me a fist full of coins. At first I tought they were making fun of me, but they said with a grave voice that I should treasure them, because they are made of gold and some other precious metals. I had 4 goldy ones, I was told they are worth 5000 ron each and that I should spend them wisely.

I asked why I got them, I thought my allowance is just 100 ron daily. They said is because I dared to pursue what I truly wanted and not what was expected from me. And sometimes, for doing this, I’m entitled to get some extra. Hmmm.. Interesting.. Very interesting.

And then I asked: but what about my current savings, in my bank account.. Can I access them? I have few hundred.. (I was refering to czk) And they said no, it’s not possible. And then I added “thousand. Few hundred thousand”. And they were looking at each other confused. And they said, “no, these are family money with your former-partner, they are his now, since you left him”. And I said “no, no, these are all mine, we have separate savings accounts”.

They were looking very confused. The leader one was even angry.. She said “Hmm.. in this case it might be an error. Let me check” And she was talking with some of them: “Who brought this one here?! You didn’t do your full background check for her, she is independent, we cannot touch her, she does not qualify for this program”. And I immediately understood that by independent, financially independent, they actually meant “karma independent”.

And then my baby woke up and was begging for food. I woke up also, I dragged her from her bed, next to me, and I connected her to the boob.. While trying to remember my dream. She fell back asleep in 10 min and I got the chance to write about my crazy dream.

I think I never had such an intense and spiritually-full dream, all my life so far…  Now I’m trying to remember what I had for dinner and what movies I saw yesterday that could have caused this.

She woke up again. I have a diaper change to do now 😀

And is getting weirder

😀 last evening there was a very big storm right next to us.. The sky was half black, half clear with very bright sun. I had a date with my Leo at Olesna for dinner and I kept checking the weather apps (rain clouds movements) on my new phone, praying the storm will pass by. We arrived at Olesna. We ordered food, the food came very fast.

And then my cousin writes me on Facebook Messenger that the baby girl is cute (or something similar). I was thinking.. wait, how does she know how she looks like? Aaaa.. Ok, maybe mom sent some pictures to my relatives.

I open Facebook. A bunch of notifications. I open my wall. A picture with the baby, taken 2 days prior, had already about 20 likes and 5 comments. Picture posted about 30 min before… I was driving the baby stroller and having the phone in my pocket, about 30 min before… But I remember that weird lightning, outside of the perimeter of the storm…

You know, from time to time I remember the times I lived in 2007-2008 when way too many events were happening to me, that I was having trouble explaining them with the knowledge I got by then.. It was crazy but also exciting. Synchronicity… I mean, some events that were making me question if I’m losing my mind or some part of the SF that we see in movies is not that SF anymore..

From time to time I get nostalgic and I wish it to happen again.

So yeah… Btw, my last blog post before I had the car accident was something like this: passing through the tesseract – done. Out of the record: I still don’t remember how that happened. It’s like 1 second I was driving and thinking about the pizzas that we will have home and the next second I was in a crashed car, trying to explain to someone that I cannot open my seatbelt because it got blocked. Aparently I was too bored in the 4th dimension. So yeah.. be careful what you wish for.

Now… For more context… Before leaving for Olesna I had just finished watching iBoy on Netflix.

I had no intention of posting any picture with the baby on Facebook… and yet it happened. And I have no f*** idea how. I try to replicate it, it would take 5 steps, 5 exact clicks in somewhat different parts of the screen. A perfect storm.

But most importantly, I have no f*** idea why. Bewildered. That’s the correct word to describe it. It now got into my head that my baby might have telekinetic abilities and she posted the picture by herself, with the help of that lightning. 😀

When I saw it, I got scared and I deleted it immediately, I’m sad that I didn’t note the exact minute when it was posted to analyze more about it. I remember now, in those moments I was thinking about writing a blog post about how to overcome obsessions.

The baby started smiling more and even laughing. Sometimes I find it creepy. 😀 The first time she did it, it was on Sunday evening, we also wanted to go out for dinner and, after she woke up, I was changing her diaper. In the second I was closing the 2nd wing, it got warm and the line turned half blue. I looked at her and I asked her trying to use a dramatic voice: so what do you expect me to do now, change you again?! And she laughed. Like, big, noisy laugh.

Is it hard to raise a baby with telekinetic abilities? 😀 Anyone? Ok, my phone was hacked by my leg, sounds more reasonable? Lucky it was not the picture I took with her diaper rash, to check the healing progress.

One exciting day

Since Saturday we started a routine of “going for a walk” around the neighborhood. I even figured out what street / direction is to be taken, according to what time it is, in order for the Sun to not shine directly on her face in the stroller 😀

We don’t have a prom stroller, we didn’t consider it necessary, because the sport seat from our stroller can be reclined almost completely at orizontal and it has also safety belts so the baby stays perfectly secured. Besides, it’s the same brand and compatible with the car seat, that we also used for a couple of times, when she seemed too small for the stroller seat. Her arms and legs have grown visibly, now is not a torture anymore to guide her arms through the sleeves 😀

So, yeah… Because the temperature has been increasing gradually every day, now at noon is 26° C, each morning we tried to start our walk a bit earlier, to not get it too hot inside the stroller.

Today when she woke up at 6 for feed and dipy, I felt a rush of adrenaline that I have to do/start something very meaninful. I was browsing through my ACCA curriculum.. Should I resume my study for F7 Financial Reporting? I need to buy the course books again, I even forgot from where I bought them the first time.. Anyway..

After breakfast I still felt I have to do something different today. So we decided to go to the mall!! I called Leo and asked him what is his opinion and he gave us green light and told me at which time the bus leaves. I had to run a bit to catch it, but it was downhill, for 2 min.. The asphalt was very smooth so the baby didn’t feel a bit. We caught the bus at 09:03 🙂 And, from where it dropped us, we walked a bit more until we arrived at Fryda Shopping Center.

The baby was pleasently napping during all this time, I first entered in a shop with toys, I found a stand with cute wallets with Czech names, I was thinking to save in it what she received from granma and granpa, when they came over. It was one with her name also, but then I noticed the zipper was broken 😦 And then I found so many cute toys that I want to buy for her. I got so excited about playing with them 😀

Then we went to DM, I saw yesterday on their site that they have WaterWipes also! But they were only selling them in pack of 1 which was 99 czk.. On amazon.de I can buy pack of 4 with 11.5 eur, which is cheaper, even considering the exchange fees.

After this, we browsed the onesies in Pepco and I bought her two of them, I would’ve bought more but she started to fuss and cry. I wanted to visit also the baby section from H&M.. but..yeah.. baby rules.

So we went straight to the mother&baby restroom area, for feed and dipy. And I noticed something weird regarding logistics. How do you suppose to go to pee also, as a mommy alone with a baby in the stroller? The stroller was obviously not fitting in the cabin.. And the two rooms specially designed for disabled where locked.. You had to ask for the key to the mall management. So stupid! I’m considering to write them a feedback. And there was no hand soap in the dispenser in the mother&baby room. Lucky I had sanitiser packed.

So yeah… Because I was under… somewhat… pressure, I decided to return home.. I barely bought myself a chicken wrap that I ate in the way to the bus station.

Funny thing, there is this main bus station in front of the Polyclinic, there are like 15 different bus lines stopping there.. Very sunny and very crowded, only one sitting bench, I couldn’t even reach the board to see when my bus comes… So I decided to walk until the next one, 5-6 min walk, around the corner. Lovely shadow, 3 empty benches and nobody waiting. I had to wait for 20 min. Baby was sleeping again. Such a pleasure with such a small baby that sleeps 16h/day 😀

And the bus came and it was almost noon when we arrived home. Baby was hungry again.. Then, I made myself a corn and tuna salad and now I’m procrastinating my afternoon nap… 😀

Top 15%

So I started to sleep long and calm enough in order to have dreams and also be able to remember them.. Baby is sleeping all night from 8ish to 7ish, with 2 short intermissions for diaper change (Leo’s task) and breastfeeding (my task) at around midnight and 4ish so we wake up rested also. Now she naps in my lap 😀

I was trapped again in that neverending series of dreams, where I am back in school repeating Secondary (5th to 8th grade) or Highschool (9th to 12th) classes, because we have to do our final exams again, as the ones we did are not valid anymore, because of the reform in the Romanian School System.. Yeah.. About that..

… So.. after receiving a pop quiz in the Romanian Literature class, that made me sad, because there were 4 very specific questions from a Novel I didn’t read, so I had no idea what to write, I was announced that, surprisingly, over-all, I’m in top 15% of my class, as per my achievements so far.

And this was qualifying me to participate in the competition to become a teacher… which was not much appealing to me, but anyway.. I was told that first I have to fill in a 2 pages personality test of 49 questions with some weird neologisms..

The test was redacted by him… He was now sitting in the classroom bench behind me. I was shocked when I saw his name in the header of the printed pages, so I asked abrubtly to remove his name first and reprint, as I’m not filling anything or signing anything with his name on it…

There were more pieces of dreams, but these are the ones that stayed with me the most.

I have a sadness that I cannot speak Romanian with my own child.. because it feels weird.. because she is not Romanian… it doesn’t feel right. I’m speaking with her a combination of Czech and English… Maybe I should start to read her stories in Romanian.. I have to remember the name of that Novel that was in my pop quiz.

You know, from all the objects and teachers I had in school the ones that stress me the most in my dreams are the Romanian teacher in Secondary and the Maths teacher in Highschool, although Maths was empowering in the end, as I managed to catch the flow and get on top, Romanian on the other hand was always surprising me negatively. I was never putting enough “i” in the words and enough “,” (coma). I mean, it was also a different performance scale, an 8 (out of 10) in Secondary was tragedy, while an 8 in Maths in Highschool was the party of the month.

Secondary was the most traumatic school time experience for me.. way too many objects, I was feeling extremely anxious, I was bullied, ignored, rejected… and I truly wonder how I managed to finish it with final average grade over 9, considering I was barely studying anything at home… I was spending all my free time watching telenovelas or doing creative projects..

Barely from Highschool I was taking studying and homework seriously, as I needed my recesses for.. well.. other things :D.. Like going to mom’s laboratory and disturbing her..

So I know how much work I had to put in that, especially in my final 2 years.. I find it an extremely great injustice to have to repeat that.. Hence my nightmares..

PS. They removed the spelling check from this wordpress editor, so please forgive me if I have (too obvious) spelling mistakes that I didn’t spot to correct.

Later edit.. While reading this again (and correcting 3 spelling mistakes), I had a revelation. The thing with repeating the classes.. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me that I can re-write those traumatic memories by using knowledge and resources from people I met long after that. And by resources I mean positive energy. And even if, now, I have to miss the majority of those classes – because, well, even in my dreams I live and work in a different country – somehow I’m still able to patch the holes. Enough that it brought me to the top 15%. Interesting. I have to find that test asap. :))

Sleeping on my chest

And by chest, I actually mean boob.

This is how I fell inlove with her. In the evening of day 4, still in maternity, she started having very bad tummy aches. I tried everything I knew, swinging, burping, singing, walking, swadling.. The nurse discovered she calms down also if I give her my pinkie to suck on it… But it was a last-resort and temporary solution, until my milk came in proper amount..

As I wanted to sleep also and it was very uncomfortable to have my arms stretched to her crib, into her mouth, I put her over me and we covered both with the blanket. She finally fell asleep barely at 5 in the morning, after breastfeeding in tummy position, over me. When she knew she is done she lifted her head, dropped the boob and sat again with the cheek over it. If she were able to smile at that age, that was definitely a laugh of satisfaction. I had no idea that 4 days old babies can even do this.

I love to let her sleep like this, over me. Now I literally cannot feel 3 of my left arm’s fingers, because I’m supporting her head. It’s calming her down and I know she makes happiness hormones like this.

Time is passing so fast! She won’t sleep like this until she leaves for college, right? So I’m just taking advantage <3.

 

May-be baby

Sooooo, yeah! We are two now. I mean 3. 4 if you count also Bonnie.

We have a May baby girl, born with 3460 grams. Honestly, the labour and delivery went smoother than I was prepared for emotionally, even if I had no chance for any official preparation classes.

So maybe I was lucky here… The breastfeeding, on the other hand, it’s a whole new different challenge, that makes me reconsider a bit the whole thing.. 😦 at least we are taken care well here and there are options..plus she developed some jaundice which kinda urgents the things.

Some details about the birth (too-much-info warning):

It took us 5h since the moment we were admitted in the delivery room, until the baby was born, but I was having very crampy regular contractions at 2.5min interval that started at home, about 4h before we were admitted. At first I took a Paracetamol, then a hot shower, and they were not stopping, so we packed up and off we went. Ok, the bags were already packed in the trunk for 3 weeks already and the car seat installed for 2 weeks.

The best thing was that my partner was there with me all the time and I was allowed to walk around the room, literally until the moment of expulsion. I was actually asked to, because I was at dilation 10 cm about 2h before the big moment, but the baby’s head was still too high.

I was monitored by the midwife from time to time and we had only a very dim light in the room, which helped with relaxing. My doctor came only in the last moment and then also the baby’s doctor. I was breathing through and concentrating at each contraction, consciously relaxing and focusing my energy on helping my pelvis to open. And because the dilation went fast and I was handling it, they said there is no need at all to mess the natural process with an epidural. They only made me one analgezic directly in the vein, which worked by reducing the pain from a 9 to a 8. 😀

I was allowed to eat and drink all the time, but I was only in the mood for few nuts and raisins and when I felt I’m falling asleep between some contractions or losing my energy, I took a big cup of tea with sugar. I didn’t cry or scream at all, as I didn’t see the point, nor I wanted to scare the comming baby 🙂 When everything looked right, I was helped to get on the table and in 3 or 4 contractions she was all out!

I cannot speak in the name of other women, it was indeed a level of pain as I never experienced before, but I felt it the same as very-very strong period cramps, as I was having in my first years of period, but it was conscious and predictable, which helped to always be on top of “the game”. The impression right after and the impression also after few days is that it was an amazing birth. I will never forget the feeling I was having during pushing. It was pain, but with a purpose, which made it almost divine. Anyway, I cannot describe it in words, you have to live it for yourself.

When they put her over my chest I laughed and I said: it wasn’t that bad, so when can we have the next one?! They laughed also. (Leo, doctor, midwife and neo-natologist). And I think I got the most carying midwife and doctor that exist in all the hospital. The doctor knew me, as I had most of my regular checks with her.

I didn’t bath her yet, but I filmed her 2nd bath to show her when she will be 18 😀 I forgot to do this at the 1st bath, we were too tired anyway. Later edit: I gave her the 3rd bath, she was feeling like at SPA.. such an epic face.

Will keep you posted. If you want to read more! 🙂

PS: Even if I don’t speak Czech properly, I found an amazing support from the personnel in this maternity hospital, they helped me a lot with breastfeeding, because my milk had a slow start and, due to the jaundice, the baby was too sleepy to suck enough to trigger it, so additionally I had to pump few times to start lactation, while the baby had few dozes of formula also.

About that..

So.. I’m still pregnant. By calendar, today we have exactly 9 months. 😀

Yesterday I had a productive day: two loads of laundry, dried them outside, ironed some newly bought baby stuff (another pair of sheets for the Next2Me and the play-mat sheep) and the latest crochetted dress, changed all pillow covers in our bedroom (we have 6 :D).. I even took Bonnie for a small walk, until the recycling bins, we had a huge bag of plastics that was pending to throw, as Leo took car to work for the past 2 weeks, he couldn’t drop them as usual in his way to bus-station . Which makes me realize we are using too much plastic and we don’t even buy bottled water, except sporadically, when we are very thirsty while doing shopping. But everything comes wrapped in plastic, in a way or another. And for today we have 2 huge bags of cartons, from all the amazon packages I received lately…

But what I need to brag about: in the past days I managed to shave my legs, do my toenails (I would shame even a yoga master with the positions I had to employ), fix my eyebrows AND die my hair with a no-ammonia formula and trim the edges. All by myself at home. I’m so proud of myself. I don’t feel comfortable in saloons, at mani-pedi I “see” only germs everywhere and for hair, whenever I’ve been, they have always tortured me at brushing, I have a very sensitive scalp.. Plus the fortune that I have to pay. Last time it costed me 800 crowns just for edges trimming… Plus the smells.. not much pregnancy friendly 😦

I have started to tell to the baby that there is more room outside, if she wants to stretch that much. I mean, you know those Youtube videos where you see the shape of baby’s foot standing out through the abdomen? Not quite like that, but very close! And sometimes it really hurts. I will so miss this. :humid eyes emoji: At the latest check I saw one of her feet at the scan, the one that is always kicking in my right ribbs, with those cute 5 fat toes, I cannot wait to eat them 😀

Now I feel ashamed that I asked from work to start the prenatal leave 8 weeks before the due date.. But maybe this is why I lasted that long, my stress level has significantly dropped, even if I was not realising it then.

At the moment I don’t have much mood to do anything.. and I have some dishes to do.. And maybe cook some vegetarian lasagna for Leo. Otherwise, I don’t want to cook more for this Easter, because we don’t know when the baby will come and I don’t want to cook food that will die in the fridge by the time we are back. I’m counting on mom that she will bring us some Easter traditional romanian dishes when they fly over, after the baby is born (drob, pasca etc).

The chicks from the neighborhood are singing. This means they laid new eggs. I’m always asking Leo to let me have 2-3 chicks also, the eggs will be the BIO-st possible. But since he doesn’t eat eggs, he doesn’t want… He says he might consider a goat, though, in the future, it will save him the trouble of mowning the lawn in the garden. If he is willing to milk her (and also make the cheese), I have no issues 😀

I was so stressed about bringing the baby to full-term that I didn’t even think having some nice pregnancy pictures. But maybe now, with my refreshed look, I might take some, at home, with my selfie stick. I wonder if any of my old dresses or blouses will fit this belly, which doesn’t seem as big as other full-term bellies I’ve seen out there… And it seems the baby hasn’t even dropped. Maybe because I’m taller than the average. Fun fact, my Leo mentioned in a joke, few days ago, that I’m taller that usual. So I measured myself: turns out I grew 2 cm since last time I checked, about 15 years ago, when I assumed I reached my peak.. I’m now 1.75 m. Should I update my passport or I will shrink back after the baby is born?!