Category Archives: Writings in English

Dear cortisol level..

I think you got too much of a mind of your own… You need to take a Vacation. Like a full month Vacation or a Sabbatical. You are getting crazy.

I know, you were dreaming of spending a week in a ultra-full-inclusive Spa in Tunisia.. But life had different plans for the time being. And maybe the time for that is not yet lost, now that your owner has recently renewed her passport.. it would’ve been too hot in the summer for that anyway. So maybe November.

Anyway… Dear cortisol level.. You are so high (most probably) because you care too much about things out of your control zone. About too many things.. About the Unbreakable Kimmy.. Funny show, btw.

Yeah and about that pizza waiting for you for dinner. How are you planning to burn the calories from eating it? By taking a tandem swimming with Nessie, perhaps? 😀

Dear cortisol level.. Remember the most recent dream? At a terrace somewhere in Constanta, it was cold and rainy outside, we were sitting in front of each other at a wooden bench and I was having some sheets of a playwright or a novel, he had given them to me to read them and then to discuss about the plot. But I have some feeling that this might’ve actually been the 2nd encounter, after the resetting of the Time.

Then, I climbed some long stairs and I saw something truly amazing, it was a garden with a lot of crystals and some shapes like shiny castle towers, but everything was reflected in both right and left, in a shape like being under some cupola. And there was also a very bright light coming from the valley. It was like a sunset, but without the actual set.

Which reminds me of the dream I had last night, it was another very lucid dream, I wanted to go to a certain place where I knew I couldn’t go in real life. It was exciting and I was pushing so hard to not lose focus until I arrive there, because I was aware that the road is long, I had to survive through some metro stations.. some road crosses… Yeah.. What happened with those dreams when you dream yourself directly there, not in the road to… There.

Yeah! I remembered now where I wanted to go. Which makes me think I’ve actually been there few times before, yet not exactly there, time-space speaking. Epic. So, let’s meet there, directly, next time. Do I need an access card or can you pass me as a Lucid Dreamer / Astral Projecting Visitor?

Yours truly, some_5%_from_the_other_90%_of_the_brain, unconsciously used.

PS. Relaxation is not lowering Stress levels. Only Active Loving is.

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When you have enough…

This afternoon I had dinner at Olesna and then I started a small walk with Bonnie… into the nothingness. I was not sure I want to have a whole round but I didn’t know what else to do. If it were to go home I would probably take my laptop and keep working… But I’m doing my best to not leave my passion for work turn into an obsession. I said I’m trying.

Then, I saw a family that looked perfect, the dad, the mom and 3 blonde kids under 6, all on skates and in perfect fitness shape. Especially the mom. Too much in shape after giving birth to 3. I shocked myself with the kind of thoughts that rose in my mind. Then it came to me the idea of heading back and buy a desert… to drown my misery. There was a young boy to whom I tried to say my order. I barely told him the table number and he showed signs that he didn’t understand what I wanted. I asked for a desert and water with lemon. With a blunt face he says card is not accepted. Irritated, I ask Why? I was here before, today and it was.. I tried to tell him. Then the lady who took my order before came and asked if I want anything else and I said No and then she gave me the receipt.

And barely then I remembered, card is accepted only for purchase over 200 crowns. Which is not a fair thing, considering I always come here with the meal vouchers card, that should be accepted anywhere, no matter how small the amount. Imagine wanting to come for lunch everyday, 200 crows per day, I would spend all my month’s credit in 8 days. 😦

Anyway… I wouldn’t have succeeded to achieve what I achieved so far without my boyfriend. Most of the times when we are both together he is my personal translator. But not just this. He is also my personal driver, my personal taxi orderer – when he is not home and I have to go to the city – , my personal doctor appointments organiser. Even while I was in RO recently I couldn’t have done what I wanted without calling him two times for help.

Except from my work – which is just as demanding as my career level describes it, but sometimes I’m stressing myself with no reason – life here is very peaceful. I’m counting now the days until my vacation starting next weekend. Can hardly wait.

I’m also counting the days until my Aunt Flo will have the decency to show up. Like I’m in a limbo.. And I’ve tested like addicted, almost every day for the past three weeks, I could even say I had all necessary symptoms, yet not even the faintest 2nd line showed up. I even discovered reading some forums that this is a real recognised addiction for women desperately wanting to conceive.

And this is how, slowly, the subjects in my blog will start to incorporate namings like AF, POAS.. I think PCOS I even wrote at some point, when I was too happy for getting my first BFP which actually turned to be a missed miscarriage, which required D&C.

I mean, from one point ahead, one realizes that we work so that we can buy what we need to live, we don’t live so that we can buy more and more time to work.. and then we end up after 35 realising that we need to spend on fertility investigations significantly more than all the OT pay we had in our life. I didn’t have to pay anything yet, so far everything I needed was covered by the insurance. But if I don’t get a very BFP until I turn 35, I really might have to.

PS… Please stop trying to say to a person familiar with anxiety to relax. They will not understand what you mean. My only time when I am truly relaxed, probably, is in my dreams, when I’m flying, levitating… So, as long as gravity prevents me from doing this also while awaken, I just can’t relax. Never. Let’s see who wins, me or relaxation. Now I’m scared I might give diabetes to relaxation.

Heading back home and taking it as a personal challenge to not touch the work laptop until Monday at 8 AM. (I have discovered a new series on Netflix – Good Girls – a female version of Breaking Bad.)

More crystals..

Last night I dreamed I was offered a gift, a set with bracelet and necklace, from silver, with many symmetrical magenta crystals attached to it. It was delicate and shiny.

But I felt offended. I asked the person why he is offering me that… I never asked or expected anything material from that person, in the reality nor dream world, so I was very surprised. Except from that lily-of-the-valley flower, that I received many-many moons ago, also in a dream, when he told me “thank you, for everything you do for me”.

I asked what I did to deserve that jewelery and I was given few qualities about me, so old that I even forgot them… It was nice to have them remembered. This is what I was expecting and needed the most, appreciation, comfort, kindness, not material possessions.

I remember in the end I didn’t accept the gift, but I instructed the other important persons in my life to make a bit of space, because I accepted him, with all that he is, so we might see more of him in the future.

Now I’m trying to decipher what it means. Remembering of the last time I dreamed about magenta and purple crystals… 🙂

Will you please record me perfect instead?

How can something that never existed die? You know, like this situation: “I’ve been meaning to do this for you, but because you did that, I’m not doing it anymore.”

It’s not fair, you know? I had no idea what you were planning to do, you cannot make it my fault… Like it’s a limited amount of happiness that you can receive in some amount of time, if you got creative and you reached your quota for today, in the 1st hour in the morning, you can only drown in your misery for the rest of the day…

Several years ago I thought it would affect me more if and when this will happen, but today I don’t seem to feel absolutely anything about it. I feel much more for smaller things coming from a different direction. Maybe I’ve changed.

Am I supposed to hold a memorial for it or should I just let it rest in peace? Did it die because I stopped accessing it? Or it died just because of old age? It had just few more months until being 10 years old. Where do all blogs go when they die? Maybe they are all together, with the ones I created and then I killed, before I dared to become committed to this one.

I’m not making a memorial to the blog, but I’m making it to the Composite Sun Conjunct Venus in Scorpio, in the 2nd House, currently transited by retrograde Jupiter. This is the real input and it will never die, the blog was just a temporary projection. 🙂 It’s ok, I understand myself.

Me starts learning music now

After seeing the vlog with Claire’s perfect pitch, I installed myself an app.. it’s called Perfect Ear.. it’s interesting 🙂

I mean, I want to know more things also on theory, as I learned the keys in school in solfege, I had no idea which one was C, G, F etc. I remember around 16, when I had my first boyfriend, a guy passionated about guitar singing, he tried to teach me the notes also but in vain, I was resonating with other topics at that age, like chemistry and biology. Lol.

I mean, I need some new things to distract me from burning out other… things… until they will start to stop talking to me. Btw, on September 6th I expect an award.

I was resonating more with the piano, but I couldn’t afford having one.. actually nobody took my yearning seriously.  Until 2011 when I bought myself a keyboard thanks to one award I got at work. And I managed to learn few lines from Fur Elise.. in 3 days… and when I discovered my younger brother learned more from the song, plus another one in the same time frame, I lost my mood. I mean, I had to go to work also.. he didn’t, so he had more free time, actually.

Sometime in 2013 or 2014, I forgot the year, I was very close to start singing lessons. It didn’t materialize. And then I seriously thought about starting again but I’m extremely sensitive to criticism in this department (because I am aware I’m novice at singing – my voice is not as stable as I wish/like to believe) and I won’t need anyone too strict, to discourage me, more than energizing & inspiring me, so I came to the conclusion, that, if I’m interested to learn more, the internet is already saturated of information and apps, to learn in my own pace. Singing is for me the most effective way of calming down, relaxing or tuning out when needed, like when doing dishes or cooking or sometimes, the first minutes from taking a shower.

Anyway.. Argentina is back in the game. Me goes back to sleep. Gotta continue the dream from last night :)) it was so sweet. And tomorrow I have to work – I have 5 results-review/planning-meetings, one after the other, a record.. so, if I survive all of them I can go back to my app.

Still, my heart will be tomorrow with the #protests in Bucharest. Unfortunately, I had already requested off today and on Thursday, planned for staying in huge-lines for paperwork to renew my driver’s licence and passport. But I’m dreaming of being there in the weekend next week. 🙂 And I want to try some other flavor of eclaire, so see you there. Somewhere. Sometime..

Own your success

I found this in a learning board at work, few days ago, it got stuck in my head and I’ve been dreaming about writing a blog post about it.

And, before getting there, I have to confess something that I discovered about me a couple of weeks ago… I have to come out with it. I have never considered that, I mean, I don’t remember anyone calling me that.. ever.. but yeah.. feelings happen… and they make you wonder… and re-think everything you knew about yourself until then… and sometimes you cannot control them..

I have a narcissistic ego! Pheww! I said it. Feel so much better now.

So you see, my dear reader, I’m not a narcissist! Because I identify myself with my Soul. Only my Ego is that. Unfortunately, the ego is bound to this planet.. <avoiding If-Clause Type III here>.

My ego makes me feel so bad sometimes, because it never stops wanting what others have. It got me sick for a whole week, after something, someone dear to me, achieved. Before me. Someone I wasn’t seeing with indifference, for a long while now. That’s why it hurt so bad.

Let me explain, please. I was expecting it, I saw it in the planets (yeah, I probably know a lot more than you think, about you, thanks to them) but I wasn’t expecting for that to happen so soon. That’s why it got me sick.. I thought we are in a tandem. I wasn’t feeling ready even to dream about achieving that for myself, because I learned you have to work very hard for it.. for years in a row. Because I learned that the system doesn’t move that fast.

But then you notice, someone else comes, achieves it and makes it appear so easy. Like it was a piece of (dark chocolate with vanilla ice-cream aside) cake. Because they didn’t have the experience of living with that hard system, that now I have to un-learn and dare to dream more for myself.

Ok, about anxiety. Or depression. Or both. I don’t consider I have a mental illness, because I don’t feel them like an impairment.. like an obstacle standing in my way of achieving my dreams. I consider them traits of being human. I am aware of them, I felt them and I learned how to find my way around them. Ohh.. So much I could write about this!

What I can say for now – how I understand it – anxiety is a small wound that you are born with… something rooted in your aura. And, depending on the environment in your childhood, this wound can heal or it can open up and become bigger and bigger. And the bigger is this wound, the easier you attract the negative energy, that makes it even bigger. YOU attract the psychological abuse… very painful to acknowledge, but it’s as simple as that.

Anyway, in my first session of psychotherapy (in CZ is for free, even in English, in this average city), around September last year, I was told I need to learn how to take my time and appreciate myself for my achievements, especially for learning how to live with anxiety. Literally, to embrace myself and congratulate myself. I found this so weird and ridiculous. I felt that, if the others don’t see this about me and if THEY don’t do it, it’s because I probably don’t deserve it. That, if I do it myself it would be… I don’t know.. some other dimension of mental illness, that I haven’t discovered yet. See how hard it is, now? What I have to live with? This over-dimensioned Ego of mine? It’s simply never satisfied.

But yeah, she was right. I have to congratulate myself, even if nobody else does it, and especially that’s why, because I probably do the job so good that they don’t even see what I’m fighting with. They are not me, they don’t see what I see… they don’t feel what I feel every day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I’m just stating the facts.

And yes, I am aware there are others who have it much more intense. And yes, I also can’t see what you see and what you feel, every day. (It might happen sometimes, with some people more than with other people.. and then you discover a dedication to someone who is not you and you suddenly realize you went too far in your connectedness reverie.. again).

Christina’s recent vlog… Left me thinking. I’m sure she meant it as a joke, but there is something extraordinary about it, maybe there are others who do think it, not in a joke! She is amazing – I hope I’m not seeing her like this, with pink-colored glasses, just because of the position of her Juno. I first wrote a comment there, but then I realized it was probably not the right place to talk about me, so I deleted it.

Yes. People DO exist, even after moving in a country where they don’t speak the language. How? They speak in English. 😀 Or German. Or Spanish. Or Romanian (with other romanians). Or they just don’t speak at all.

I lived for the first 5 months in a shared flat with 2 Russian girls and one cat. One of the girls didn’t speak anything besides Russian and Czech. And the words I knew in Russian, at that time (surprisingly more than in Czech), were less than the number of my fingers.

You don’t need to speak the local language in order to breathe, to take a walk in the park and take pictures or to do groceries in a hypermarket. Especially to eat in any of the international fast-food chains, where the menu is in English. And then you slowly learn… day by day. You even sign up for classes of Acting in English. 🙂 And then you start living with someone and you get used to speaking Czech-lish when you suddenly wake up in the middle of the night after a bad dream . 😀

I didn’t realize how much of a big deal it is, what I achieved for the past (almost) 6 years, until this vlog. And I understood not to compare myself and my achievements with someone else’s. Because it’s not a fair comparison.

What I find it interesting is that I can speak in Czech so much better with the children. Because they don’t hold any preconceptions about me, they see me as I am and they don’t see I’m different, for being an immigrant. (I find it so weird to use this word).

You know what’s also hard with this Ego of mine? It hurts me when I see someone is evolving faster than I am. It hurts me when I see someone singing better. Or speaking and writing better in English. Or losing weight faster & better. Or working more efficient with Excel. Or playing better ping-pong. Or conceiving and having a baby before I can… Ok, we’re getting into shaky grounds, I stop it here.

So.. it hurts me when I see specialists rising around me, because I wanna specialise also. But in Everything. All of the above. (Ok, except of the ping-pong thing.. but who knows). And working with so many things simultaneously takes much more time. It hurts me when I realize I cannot keep up with everyone, especially with the ones I feel for.. because that means I have to let them go.

Lucky I haven’t found anyone around me who knows (and works with) astrology better than I do. I would literally implode. Ok, my EGO would. It would rip the space-time continuum. 😀 Interesting…

“One more layer down”. Would be the title of my – what number was it? 4th? 5th? – Book. I wonder if I will have lives enough to write them all… considering I’m barely drafting my first, for almost 8 years now.

I promise I will write a blog post, sometime in the future, also about Sun conjunct Chiron. Enough is enough about Moon.

If you had come, you would’ve seen me

I guess a part of me always knew I was writing it wrong.. but I never had the strength to accept it and the guts and the energy to search and to learn the proper way to write it. Until few days ago when I watched a movie and it finally resonated with me, from the dialogue.

I got it. It makes sense now. Which means I have to take all blog from the beginning of time until the present day, read everything and correct. And I’ll probably discover more errors. It’s tough, you know, to have things to say, but, because you are not wrapping them in the correct form, your message doesn’t get anywhere.. it just floats somewhere in a limbo.. I’m proud of what I learned so far nonetheless, because I’m conscious I did it all alone, I had zero classes of English in school and I couldn’t stress this enough.

I’ve noticed people bragging with proficiency certificates, receiving compliments from others, although having beginner spelling mistakes in the same paragraph. Yes, it’s hard. Yet it makes me more empathetic, while understanding that the world is not a fair place. Competency is not always the decisive factor in one’s success, also attitude and likability play star roles. Now I wonder if anyone in their right mind would choose to make mistakes on purpose and why.

I think in English most of my day, my sentences are not made of raw words, they are made of expressions and phrases, so, sometimes it’s difficult to build something from scratch. And this anxiety that, whoever reads them, might find countless mistakes, but doesn’t give even that little amount of energy to point out the wrong… it makes one feel completely worthless sometimes. I guess, yeah, we should always cherish the people who dare to show us our mistakes… especially in this so “politically correct” era we’re living now.

I have a house with an infinite number of rooms. It is always in the same place. I go there each time I want to be alone with myself, I go from one room to another, pass through 10-12 rooms until I find one and I lock myself inside, knowing that nobody can ever find me there. And then I start searching through the drawers curious what my subconscious is able to create. It’s amazing. Knowing that you are dreaming, that no matter what you find and what you do in that room is not real, it has no effect when you’ve woken up, yet the memory remains.

Last time I dreamt this, I found myself in a hallway, with the door from the room I just exited and another 4 other doors all marked bathrooms. A bit weird..

Last night I dreamt something troubling. Something bad that happened to me in real life, but it didn’t affect me that much then, as it did now when I was dreaming it. Maybe because I was hoping that there are still plenty of chances for it to happen again, in the right way this time. Yet, with each month that passes I’m burying the disappointment deeper and deeper in my subconscious. I mean, what do I win by complaining about it? Nobody can/wants to/has to help me. Only time. Who knows.. someday… through a movie.

I’m not living the life I want. Probably because I grew up, because I learned that living on this planet comes with making sacrifices. Ohhh… and I’m still not doing anything compared to others. Take vegetarians for example.

Let me know you’re feeling me and seeing all the things I see

Today I said No. Plain and simple. In a place where I am not comfortable to refuse anything, but lately I noticed I was overloading myself unnecessarily with all sort of ad-hocs even if that meant spending a lot more time aside from my planned daily tasks, probably because I was caring too much about “saving the day” for everyone who was requesting anything from me, sometimes even juggling with 3 tasks in the same time.

So today I was taken by surprise with this newly acquired assertiveness of mine.. admitting that I’m not a Hero, not even close, but I need to take care of my health at some given times also. And you don’t usually want to mess with me when I’m passed my eating hour, as I’m converting in quite a Hangry Monster.

Now, the problem is, even if I did my best to not let it touch me and to shake my waters, I still got dragged into the topic without even having the chance to defend myself and even if I rejected it I couldn’t focus properly anymore on what I was having in my priority list before closing the day, which now took me double time to conclude. So I need to learn of saying No and standing my ground without feeling sorry after. And I even have several relevant reasons to support my decision, so why am I still feeling sorry about it, several hours after?

Ok, now moving on. I saw Enrique Iglesias this week. From several meters, unfortunately, a bit too far to feel anything, but he got me captivated by the end of the show. He is such a nice and warm person, I was expecting this from what I was able to read from his songs, but this is exactly how he is also in reality. And I was surprised to see how skinny he is in reality. And a bit crazy, in a funny way. I mean, he was giving everything he has for the show.

Sometimes in the middle he sat on his knees and bowed down in an exterior corner of the stage and stood there for more than a minute, in “being overwhelmed with gratitude for everything I have mode”. I hope it was that and not because he was not feeling good or anything. He turned 43 the same day.. which makes me realize how old I am. 😀 I remember I discovered him around the age when I had my first crush on a boy, mostly because it appeared to me that this boy looks like Enrique. I don’t know how my subconscious got to this conclusion.

And yeah. I went also to the new office, that, I was surprised to see on the map, is neighboring Argentinska Street. Funny, God, funny. And on Monday I had a thrilling session in Spanish with my colleague from Buenos Aires (or that was last week?!). And another 1h brainstorming session on a different topic and with a different character and public which left me shaking when it finished. Interesting.. I mean, interesting… some energy dynamics still left to study here.

Crumbling sapphires 2

Or “when you discover the stories on your blog have more substance and are more captivating than the book you started 1 month ago and are struggling to finish”.

But that’s ok, each human needs a certain amount of love and when this amount is not received in enough quantity from the exterior they start producing it in the interior. #self-love 😀

January 22nd, 2016. They just moved me from intensive care to.. regular care. I was still having perfusion on my right arm and the blood transfusion IV from the left arm was almost done. It was the hardest night of my life so far. My stomach was hurting, I was probably hungry, I was still in shock after the accident, now also scared because I couldn’t fall asleep and I was feeling so lonely.

My left leg was getting numb all the time and I was having to grab it with both arms, literally pulling it up by the flesh. I couldn’t fall asleep all night, I was looking at the wall clock in front of me and beginning for the hours to pass faster.

Midnight.. 1.. 2.. My stomach pain became so hard it was almost making me cry with every breath.

I called the nurse and she brought me an anti-acid. Didn’t help, of course. I really don’t know how I managed to survive until 6 am when I started hearing voices on the corridor. They came to wake us up, bringing hot water to wash our faces and brush our teeth.

I got scared when I realized I have blood on the sheet next to my head and on the left sleeve of the hospital gown. I called the nurse and then we noticed the IV that was used for the blood transfusion moved a bit, probably in a short moment when I did fall asleep, and there was room next to that little hose, stuck in the vein, for the blood to leak out.

There was a nice young nurse, all dressed in white, which didn’t speak English, but she was fluent in German and we agreed like this. “Guten Morgen. Sie sind schmutzig!”, she was telling me, after lifting up my blanket, while she was grabbing that special spray and a huge hot paper towel and carefully wiping the blood from the area between my legs, around my catheter.

No, unfortunately it was not a nightmare or a movie, it was real. That exclusively_lying_on_my_back_in_bed was my reality for 10 straight weeks. Whom to blame for that? Well no one in particular, or just me alone, maybe karma..

Fortunately, after one week, after they removed the catheter, I got able enough to clean myself alone, all my parts, and the constant pain from my broken pelvis, which was increasing each time I had to use the bedpan, started to fade away. And 2 years later I’m still pretty much alive and kicking, I just remembered this today and felt the need to share it.. because my right knee pissed me off again, was in elastic wrap all day and now in bed with one pillow under it, seriously thinking to request an x-ray, hope it is nothing serious.

Anyway, about the sapphires. Because the dream I had that time was too intense and it made me feel so good when I woke up, I decided to keep it longer for myself and consume from it all the syrup before sharing it with the world.

We were in some kind of outdoor classroom, he was sitting in the bench in front of me, on the left seat and we were smiling at each other and talking on the diagonal.

They were bringing us stuff on the tables to examine, first there were some black carbon balls, then there were some pretzels, then some blue-ish crystals, we knew they supposed to be sapphires but they could be easily scratched with the nail, so they were more like mica.

At one point I realized things are shifting too much, in a surreal rhythm, so it must be a dream. I looked at him and asked him what are we doing there, our school years are long gone, let’s go do something more age appropriate, as we always do in all dreams… eventually.

Then, some bad character came out of nowhere, from my right side, and hit me over my nose with a finger, like a gesture of mocking me. I got furious and with all my strength I grabbed the margin of the bench and hit him with all my force, with my right foot, straight into his stomach, while shouting at him to fuck off and go to hell.

I didn’t know I have that much anger piled up in me, my reaction caught me by surprise. And then this black-dressed creature leaned forward and raised his arms probably with the intention of beating the crap out of me, when he jumped from his bench and stood up in front of the creature, with his chest wide open, with the head leaning back, relaxed, yet while tensing his fists, as if “If you have something with her I invite you to pass through me first!”.

So the creature instantly calmed down and walked away without even looking at me again, didn’t even touch him.

Nobody ever defended me like this. I mean, nobody ever came to mock me, out of the blue either, but I mean in general, protection of any type of abuse, especially those that only my subconscious still remembers. You have no idea how good it made me feel, I was in clouds for a straight week.

I know it was a dream, of course, but the new feeling I had the chance to experience, was completely new and it felt amazing.

I had found a genuine source of strength, in my subconscious. I should never feel scared or weak anymore, there is always my dream alter-ego, ready to jump to defend me, anytime I need it.

And then they tell me I live too much in my own head, in a fantasy world, and I’m not grounded in this reality.

It’s ok, I think I’m grounded just enough to live independently yet able to still feed my soul with the celestial beauty, with which most humans are, unfortunately, simply incompatible.

About homeoffice and staycation..

Last night I dreamed someone was asking me for a toothbrush. 😐

Today I had my longest phone conversation entirely in czech and a visit to ophthalmologist for a consultation and measurement 100% in czech. It was… yeah.. it seems I have the same numbers as I had also 3 years ago, when I went last time, but the main reason why I went is because the lenses got too much scratched and they bug me. And I ordered new frames, will pick them next week. 🙂

So.. About my 2 days staycation yesterday and today.. Yeah.. I can conclude staycation makes depression worse. I’m joking. I mean, if I am able to joke and smile although I would spend all day in bed on the tablet, it means I’m not depressed, right?

So.. Today I realized that after so much time in homeoffice I am not capable to commute anymore. Just because I had to take a bus to the city and back and because I had lunch in office-mode. I mean, special menu for lunch, expedition mode, I was done in 10 min after I stepped on the door of the restaurant.

Unfortunately when I’m not in staycation and really working, the closest restaurant from me is at Olesna and it takes 15 min walk there, 15 min walk back and… Wait.. Actually… Maybe I should try this, maybe for working day lunch they move faster also.

Yesterday I read 5 pages. 😐 Today I only touched the book.

But I planted one flower. I mean, I moved a tiny flowerless plant from inside pot to outside ground.

Staycation is depressing. Working makes me feel useful. The thing is.. I was imagining some other activities for these 2 days but they happened to fall in the most falling days.. of the month. Not much fun to bike. And also extremely windy. It was crazy…

From home to bus station I had tears falling from my eyes and it wasn’t because of being sad. I don’t know.. Optimistic? What’s that? Does it have to do anything with eye doctor? You think that with the new glasses I will see the world more pink? Aren’t my shoes pink enough?!

Bonnie is crying that he wants out. He was out just 1h ago. 😐

Yeah. The most sad thing about staycation is when you wake up 5 min before usual waking up time and you cannot fall back asleep. And you have no motivation to get down to make coffee and climb back with the working laptop.

I tried last week, I worked from the desk. I have office chair and everything. I was feeling like there are needles in that chair after just 2h of sitting.. I told you I suffer from adhd. And from being human. It’s really hard these days. You need to eat like 4-5 times a day.. and nobody to cook for you.

I got used to eat cans. A lot of cans. Tuna, corn, beans, chick peas.. I love garbanzo beans. 🙂 It has become an ordeal even cooking my most favourite lunch ever: salmon with rice and vegetables.

In another dream we were talking together and then his phone beeps and he received a booty call message so I let him go. I can’t remember the name of the girl. There were more things that I dreamed last night but I can’t remember them..

Ok now I’m hungry. And not even funny anymore. I’m funny just by being completely funnyless.

I love my work. I mean, I’m starting to see the bigger picture, to understand the role of all the processes I’m doing every day.

I got to a certain level of proficiency to make me feel useful and important, like I’m saving the day with that piece of information that only I have.

I got to a certain level of comfort to not feel like I’m working from one salary to another anymore. I mean, it’s been more than 12 years since I got my first worked money: 700 eur “beca” for my 3 months part-time internship in Spain. A fortune at that time for me.

If I didn’t have to work I think I’d die. The only thing I could really not live without. Can I marry my work? 😀

Wait. The owner of the house and of the 1/2 of the car just got home. Maybe I should buy myself a house also. 😀