Category Archives: Writings in English

Taurus girl?!

So.. tomorrow at 11 AM, my time zone, the Sun will enter Taurus. Considering I only had 2 contractions today, very slim chances she will come until then. Wait, I’m having the 3rd now. Gotta stand up and walk a bit, it helps a lot with the pain, by using gravity in my favor. 😀

Last night I had a very bad nightmare. I first must say that I discovered a new series on Netflix: Touch. It kept me entertained for the past 3 days, totally my type. Yesterday I didn’t even “touch” the crochet hook.

So, about the nightmare. I was in the house, MY mind’s house, most probably, where I usually find myself in my dreams, with many rooms that I know. But this time I discovered a room that was not there before.

It was more like a junk storage room, all sort of old useless tools. I looked around and in the end I left. The door was very big with several locks on it, that I carefully closed, because I had the intuition that something very bad lives in that room. Maybe some very dark part of me.

There was a girl in my dream, in her late teens. She showed me something that I instantly recognised as being taken from that room. Very worried, I asked her if she was there and if she locked the room back properly. She hadn’t.

And then the monster got out. There was a headless woman’s body, that I was struggling so hard to kill. In the end I was smashing her against a mirror, the mirror was cracking and breaking into small pieces but somehow “she” was immune to my force. I killed a lot of monsters in my dreams. Some were harder, some were easier to kill. But this one I couldn’t, so I woke up all sweated and irritated. I desperately need to find that room and clean it.

I know, there was full-moon in my 12th House last night. Maybe that’s why.

On a different train, I just found something very funny on FB. If that 35 years old single Aquarius programmer, who is planning to write a book about his missfortune in finding true love, is who I think he is – just like he was trying to tell me about 12 years ago – he should finally accept it, he is not meant for a mortal’s committed relationship..

Not to put him on a pedestal or anything, but it surprises me that he hadn’t moved on by now, to Tibet. 😀 With all due respect, he should have become a monk, it’s the only way to truly fulfill that destiny. Who knows, maybe apply in the line, to become the next Dalai Lama: Venus conjunct Neptune conjunct Jupiter, in 1st House, in a male chart?! Nope, honey. That woman simply doesn’t exist.

And if he is not who I think he is – although, too many coincidences not to – my bad. I guess I found what was hidden in that dark room. Maybe I needed to accept that it was never my fault. Although, the therapy he suggested helped me, for other issues. 😀 Especially on how to be a emotionally healthy future mom.

Advertisements

In my 6th House

Yesterday I discovered I already got my first payment for the maternity allowance, for the days from March. I celebrated it. For about 1h, in my mind.

And I was also very happy to find out that, by their final calculation, it resulted with 18 crowns per day more than by my last calculation. Which makes it, in total for the 196 days, an extra of ~3500 crowns 🙂 I tried to guess their way of calculation (is not that easy to calculate it, but at least they have the excel form online) and I think they included also the meal-vouchers and the Flexi-points benefit in the total brutto, for the respective period. I didn’t know that, I thought they go by what it says on the payslip as total brutto.

My mom and my Leo asked me (intrigued) why am I doing these calculations in advance, is there a way that I can change the outcome? No. So why do it?

Well… Because I love to calculate money and I want to be very well-informed. Because I am on foreign territory. Because I want to be prepared in case something goes wrong, to have all my data clear, in case I have to argue something. I’m sorry but I definitely hate the saying “ignorance is bliss”. Or “believe and don’t investigate”. Or “expect to be surprised”. In this case I was positively surprised, but it could’ve been the other way also. It’s not about the volume really, is about the accuracy. I was burned few times in my life and I prefer to be prepared.

Besides, I never expected that I will have to spend 17 days in medical leave in January, which had a negative impact on my total income, much higher than this extra 3500, especially because the first 3 days of medical leave here are paid 0(zero). So yeah. I have the right to be happy. 🙂

Now, regarding the title, as the Sun entered now in transit in my 6th House, looks like her Sun will  fall in my 6th House after all, as it was the original estimated term of delivery. I was flirting a while with the idea of having her Sun in my 5th House, but I guess 6th House is not that bad 😀 It’s just focused on different things. Hoping her Sun will have positive aspects from the rest of her planets, depending on the day she will get out.

And I’m also hoping she will come as Aries, although, her health (as full-term baby) and her decision (destiny) count more than my hope. Just because I find it easier to manage a Aries girl doesn’t mean I will not want the challenge of a Taurus girl. I am willing to handle everything I will stumble upon. They are both great, just “a bit” different.

And what exactly would mean for me that her Sun falls in my 6th House… Yeah, this is what I’m reading about now. 🙂

And I have to mention something, as I cannot take it out of my mind. Last Sunday we decided to give a chance again to that new Indian restaurant in our city. Last time I had chicken with cashew and curry sauce and I found it too sweet, especially because I had also Kofola. And it also seemed a bit too expensive. This time I ordered chicken in tomato and butter sauce, with garlic naan (something like pita bread) and plain water.

Believe me, the combination of the taste was orgasmic. And we paid 500 crowns, including 10% tip, while Leo had also soup, which is pretty much the same as we would pay at Tom’s, besides, they have a much larger variety of vegetarian food, for Leo. I left so happy, that I decided this Sunday we will go again and I will invite also my family when they come over. 🙂 I hope the baby will like the breastmilk produced from indian food (not spicy).

Regarding breastmilk.. Or.. You know what, leave it for now. Next time 🙂

Jupiter retrograde in Sagittarius

So.. We made it to term!! 🙂 37 weeks today! She is very restless today, moving almost continuosly since 5 AM.

Yesterday at the check she was estimated at 2750 g and my cervix was 50% effaced and 1 cm dilated, which is normal for this stage. Thank you, for all your Prayers! 🙂

We stopped the progesterone and the magnesium.. And… I can hardly wait to meet her.

Tomorrow, after 7 PM my time, Jupiter will go Retrograde in Sagittarius. We survived Mercury Retrograde, so now I will have to document myself about Jupiter Retrograde in natal chart, to start knowing my baby. (I find it improbable to deliver by tomorrow 7 PM, as I have no signs of labor yet.)

From now on I will not write about the progress anymore, because I want to keep a minimum of privacy regarding her birthdate and hour. I will write, maybe, something about the birth, in case there will be something exceptional to write, although, I’m trying not to think about it and keep Zen for as long as possible.

In case you are curious, I found an interesting article about Jupiter Retrograde in Sagittarius

Why I’m stressing so much about it.. Well, because I am a Sagittarius and my natal Sun is conjunct with Jupiter, which makes it even more Sagittarius, also, right now, the transiting Jupiter is conjunct to them, in my 2nd House, which makes it quite a big deal for me. 🙂 (Please, pardon my narcissism)

So yeah.. Btw, my family is kinda stressing me to start offering my crocheted things online, to be bought. As much as I like the idea of people wanting to buy them, I hate the idea of doing them for money. Just like I do astrology readings when someone asks me… there are some things in life that cannot be measured in money. I have an official job for money, for my hobbies I want to be paid in positive energy 🙂

I mean, I’m not saying that my crocheting skills are out of this world (that would be really hilarious), I’m saying that I started doing them just to make time pass easier while I’m in bed rest, not for the purpose of having the crocheted object itself.

And slowly I learned more and more complex patterns, only by watching YouTube videos. And I might have inherited some talent: my grandma and my aunt are very skilled at this, you should have seen them how they were making summer shoes and sandals, when I was a child and spending my summers there. They were awesome!

And my grandpa was putting the bottom to them. My grandpa was very skillful, by life, not by choice: he had a handicap in one knee after one accident in the mine (at least this is what I was told) and, for all I remember him, he was dependent on a walking stick and couldn’t bend that knee properly, so he had to find a way of making a living for his family, from home: he became a Shoemaker. He was making awesome Scarpeti, for the whole village 🙂 He had so many awesome tools… we were driving him crazy when we were playing with them and forgetting them in the garden.

He died 18 years ago, about this time of year… I was in 11th grade… the first and only person I ever saw dead. I’m still having nightmares about it sometimes, as I was the one that answered the phone in that early Saturday morning when we were called and I passed the news to my family… I can still remember the voice from the other side of the land-line. I hope my grandma will stay strong enough to meet my daughter, as I also met my great-grandma and I remember her quite well.

So… crocheting for money.. (it would definitely be just a hobby outside of my real job)… I don’t know, maybe if I could do them outside, from the swing in the garden (that we haven’t bought yet), while I’m watching my child play with Bonnie (or his future offspring). Anyway, I would prefer to spend my time to teach how to do them than doing them for someone else. 🙂 And I hope more people believe in crocheting than the ones that believe in astrology.

Your child is not your appendix

Another blog post from the series “what your child would like you to know”.

I am aware that I’m just exploring something hypothetical and in real life this might not be happening… yet… for several reasons, most important of them being the low-level emotional and spiritual education of the average person.

And I am also aware that I might not be adapting the form of communicating my message to the capacity of the recipient… because such hypothetical recipient either doesn’t read my blog or doesn’t understand English. So I’m writing it mostly for myself, for the future, to make sure I will not forget it when I will have to attend to my own child. Because I have the feeling that, as long as I don’t have a child yet, nobody is taking my suggestions seriously.

Long story short… I feel the need to stress something that comes from deep down inside of me, because I’m seeing so often, on groups about parenting, cases of parents that want to control their child at any cost and expect they have the right to do so.

But your children have their own identity and their own destiny, that you don’t know, by default. Ok, they are materially dependent on you until certain age, they live in the same household with you and “have to obey your rules”, but you both need to be able to connect and understand yourselves as equal spirits, not as master and slave.

Just something I remembered right now. Sometimes, in my teenage years, when we were all eating together at the table, my dad would say something regarding me that was instantly making me lose appetite and leave the table. Apparently there was something about me that he could not stand… It took me way too many years to reflect on that and understand it, but I’m not getting into astrology right now. The thing is, he was right. I mean, whatever he was pointing out, it was true about me, but it was something that I was forgetting and I needed him to remind me. And the truth hurts sometimes.

Anyway… I deviated a bit. I want to express that usually dads (I mean, mentally sane dads, not those that drink and beat their wife to death because they came home from work and didn’t find warm food on the table) have this sense of individuality and intuitively treat their children also like a separate individual, always leaving room for them to grow and discover their own personality.

On the other hand, moms, just because the child lived inside of them for 9 months, they think they know them like the back of their palm. They just cannot separate emotionally from the fruit of their loins, it’s too painful. They are not able to accept the fact that they were just temporary vessels for their child to incarnate on this planet. They want something in exchange of the morning sickness and labor pains…

Yes, you gave birth to your child, it’s “your flesh and blood” (well, technically it is really not, because the fetus has its own circulatory system – sometimes even different blood type – and, obviously, a different DNA, otherwise it would be your clone) so you “obviously know what is best for them”. “A mother knows”. Well… not really.

A mother must also educate herself, do her best to read upon the latest standards on health and parenting, but most if all, a mother must understand that the best way to know your child is to ask them. Ask them what they really want. And accept the answer. The truth hurts sometimes.

You know, I always hated when I wanted to explore some topic with my mom and I was being dismissed in one second with “you are saying stupid things!”.

Am I? Am I really?! Just because my vision is different and you don’t agree with it, you don’t have the right to shut me down.

No, I don’t expect you to do everything that I say I want you to do, but I want to know that you care. I want to know that you accept my different-ness. I want to know that I have a positive role in your life, that I wasn’t born only to disturb you or to embarrass you in front of others. I want to know that you still have the ability and the willingness to keep learning and grow as a person.

Yes, dear hypothetical mom, I want you to understand that I am my own self. You are not my slave, but I am not yours either. You are not my “emotional wiping carpet”, but I am not yours either. But you need to tell me this (and remind me as often as needed) in a calm and peaceful way. You should not accept aggressive behaviour from my side, but I should not accept either.

And please, do accept and validate my emotions. My emotions (and my thoughts) are never stupid.

2 more weeks

.. until term. Ok, early term: 37+0 until 38+6. And if we survive also this and we get to 39 weeks, I would call it a miracle.

I’ve started to put on kg like crazy :(( I hate this metabolism. I’m now 17 kg more than when I started, 5 kg in the past 5 weeks. 😦 Yeah, apparently I’ve been eating a lot of sweets. And fats. So I will try to control this from now on. No more Nutella, no more Belgian waffles, no more jam.

No more grilled cheese.. no more cordon bleu… and also less butter and avocado. Less pasta.. Ok – let’s finish the jar of sour cherry jam first. I think the problem is that I’m staying too much in bed, but not much I can do for now…

So yeah.. We are now in Aries and few more days for Mercury to turn back direct. Nothing happened on Sunday.. Except that, on Saturday, I discovered the 2nd season of “The OA” on Netflix and I devoured it, by Sunday evening it was done. Now I miss Nina… and dr Roberts.

I think we finally agreed on the name of the baby. I mean, Leo agreed with the name that I was calling her, since the first positive test. 😀 I would like her to have 2 names, though, first and middle, but he doesn’t want this… and he has offered me no reasonable explanation. I mean, everybody has also middle name these days, we are too many on this planet, we have to differentiate somehow. I already found ~10 facebook profiles with this combination of first name and last name.. Yeah.. Will see.. what will (also) be compatible with the day she will be born.

Another topic that is stressing me, right now, is whether to baptise her Orthodox (like me) or Catholic (like him). The thing is that none of us are really practicing.  He is lacto-vegetarian and practicing Yoga. More, I don’t know, but since we are together, he’s never been to any Catholic sermon. Czech people are very seldom religious.

Me, I’m barely keeping the big holidays.. Last time I kept a fasting period, I remember of only 1 week, was before my trip to Mexico, in 2017, because I was flying across the Atlantic, for the first time, right on the Easter night, so I wanted to feel prepared somehow. My last Sunday in the Orthodox Church.. I remember it was in Prague, in 2013. And I honestly can’t even remember when I had my last confession. 😦

But I’ve had about 10 sessions of therapy last year, so I think I confessed more than enough. 😀 I’m very sorry to say this, but I never really liked orthodox churches (compared to catholic ones) – excessively crowded, too many candles, no air, no light and a way too long sermon, very hard to follow, while sitting head down on your knees. I was never able to understand this. And no matter what your confession was, you were never good enough.

And the way I was pushed by mom to keep fasting, in my childhood and teenage years, it left me a sour taste in my mouth. Almost every Easter and Christmas day, when we had to go to Church it was left with screaming. And I always remember being very cold. I never remember it as going for pleasure. You know what, I remember I was slapped even when my brother was baptised. 😐 That’s why I have that picture, at 6 years old, sitting so peacefully on the bench in the Church.

If you follow a certain religion it should be because you believe in it and it makes you feel good, not because someone is pushing you.. or because “what would other people say”. So yeah.. that’s why I’m sure I don’t want to force my child to follow the practice of any religion. Besides, I do have 2 Godchildren (mom and I, baptised them), but destiny made it that I haven’t seen them in more than 5 years.

Have to close it here, Bonnie is jumping on the entrance door, he wants back inside.

Next Sunday, 10 AM

I dreamed about something.. I was given this date, the place was “100 m from Metro on Liberty or Liberation Street”.. or something.

My crochet hook fell under the bed.. 😦 Now I have to bend down to get it.. Simple task, but not when you are in your 3rd Trimester. I hate gravity 😀 I’m crocheting 3 things in parallel, I get tired easily of using the same color and same pattern, so this way it feels it’s something new each time.

Anyway, I’ve been quite exhausted mentally and emotionally by yesterday evening.. And I don’t have any reason, right? I mean, I’m not doing anything all day except crocheting, watching Netflix, preparing food and eating… but I always have this feeling that someone is rushing me, I cannot just “relax”.

I dreamed all night.. First dream, that I remember, I was with some other woman and we were in someone’s apartment and that person was not at home.

I don’t know how we got there, but we were afraid we will be sent to jail once the person comes home. Then, one neighbour heard something and she came to check, she was knocking at the door. We silently locked the entry door from the inside, it stood like that for a while, but then the owner came also. And I had to invent an excuse of what we are doing there.. I said we are psychology students and we needed to make an experiment.. I don’t know if they believed us or not but we managed to get out in the end.

The other dream… Is more personal. It’s funny, I asked at the end “So when we will see each other again?” and I was not expecting any answer, I was very surprised when I received it. It was even Neděle, not Sunday or Duminica. I wanted to type it down in my phone, but, when I took it out, my phone was one of those old grey Nokia with numbers, where you had to press on a number several times to get the letter you needed. And then I said “wait, let me do this the old way”, so I took out from my bag a notebook and a pen and I started writing down.

I was feeling a bit sorry for setting wrong expectations, because I knew I will not be able to make it, because I was living in Czech Republic and I also had a daughter at home, but I don’t think the other person knew this, so…

Besides, I don’t know on which date to place the action of the dream, I knew it was Saturday, though, and it was not related to “tomorrow”, as in, “this Sunday”, but to “next Sunday”. Because, if we were in the present time.. -ish, I might say March 24th… So yeah. Let’s see what happens then. 🙂

I have to let Bonnie back in, it’s kinda coldish outside, 5°C, and he’s been for almost 1 hour now.

33 weeks

Not much to say this time..

I’m fine, keep piling kilograms… waiting 😀 and crocheting:20190312_084326~2

Learning new patterns every week.

Ok, I will say that it snowed last night a bit, it was 1 cm of white this morning, on the grass and on the roofs.

And that mom wrote me that she bought some cute pink short sleeves bodies and one dark red cardigan for baby. Ok, so I can officially say that we have enough clothes for now.

Later edit: Wait! While watching the newest episode of Young Sheldon I remembered what I dreamed last night: someone had left me a Bible in my post box… It had white cover and with dark red and gold letters on it.

I opened it, it wasn’t really the whole Bible, just some books from it.. but I can’t remember which ones, they were from the New Testament, though. And I’m also trying to remember who gave it to me.. I know it was something like a redemption for some good thing I did for that person. Actually, keep trying to remember I do have “Corinthians” coming to my mind. BRB.

The last March 8

That I will be spending alone. 😀 Next year we will be two women in the house.

I am getting more and more curious to know that little creature that lives inside me. And more and more curious to see when she will be born.

Yesterday I received also the diapers backpack from Amazon. It’s awesome! So many pockets and so much space. And I managed to iron more than half of her remaining onesies and swadles. It felt so cute. I wonder if I will have the time and mood to iron them like this after every wash and fold them in those tiny IKEA organising boxes.

Jupiter is now transiting conjunct my natal Jupiter and he will touch also my Sun and my Neptune in the following months. Last time this happened in 2007.. it was a great year, until about the end, when Pluto transit f***d it up and everything started to feel like I’m being sucked into a black hole..

But this year is just Jupiter alone! Pluto and Saturn are peacefully transiting the 3rd House. I say peacefully, because I don’t have any natal planets there and it will take a while until they will start to square all my planets from 1st and 2nd House.

Regarding Pluto, I think the fact that this planet manages to touch only 6 Houses during your whole lifetime it can give you a pretty good idea about your destiny. In my case, it will move only from the 12th House until the end of 5th House (counting a max lifespan of 100 years).

Which means my transformation in this life it’s oriented more inwards than outwards. I’m not here to improve the world, I’m here to improve myself. And for the next almost 20 years I should focus in the areas ruled by the 3rd House.

So yeah.. So many birds are chirping outside and it’s sunny and warmish, but very bad wind.. Finally finished crocheting that baby dress that I started more than 2 weeks ago:20190308_094205~2

Bonus:20190308_094813~2

32 weeks

I just received a new pack from Amazon: mirror for baby car seat, one very cute Columbia fleece overall, more yarn balls for crocheting and few packs of WaterWipes. And the 2nd part of the order should come on Thursday, a baby diapers backpack and some hair&body Mustela baby washing gel.

On Saturday I had a visit in DM and Pepco, as planned, bought a very cute Disney set (pants, body, hat and hooded jacket), some DM brand diapers and 1 pink newborn pacifier – just in case. Indeed, the DM diapers don’t smell at all, compared to the Pampers Premium Care ones and they are also a bit cheaper. Will see which ones the baby likes more.

And yesterday we went to another baby shop in Ostrava and we bought a little baby tub with head support for newborn. 330 crowns in total. Basic, but cute, with bunnies. 😀 It even has a color coded sticker that tells you if the water is too hot or too cold. They didn’t have the Adorra stroller so I can study it live.. But they had so many other stuff… ridiculously expensive.

For example, that diapers disposal bin that I saw in the vlog of the australian couple, it was costing 780 czk (~30 eur) and then you had to buy also the refill plastic bags extra.. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider myself poor, but I believe buying this thing is a very un-wise gesture.. What’s wrong with simple small garbage plastic bags?! It’s 30 czk a roll of 100 bags (2-3 litres), I’m sure they will not let any odors escape if you tie them properly.

And some automatic swing – 4000 czk.. Or play mat 2000 czk.. She can also sleep on the couch, between pillows, during the day, while Bonnie is watching her :D. And then, tummy time play on the washable changing mat, directly on the carpet. 😀 Besides, I saw a lot of vlogs of mommies feeling sorry that they bought them in advance and then the babies hated them.

And sleeping bags – probably dedicated for those babies sleeping outside in Siberia – extremely fluffy and with hard zippers.. 1500 czk one. I need one of 1 tog, Ikea had a very nice one, but currently not on stock anymore, in my area.

And then, one set of baby tub with legs and head support, was 2000 czk… because the tub had scale and digital thermometer incorporated. Honestly, I would be afraid to put the baby in water in a device that uses batteries.. but yeah.. consumerism.

Just few examples.. I mean, I do want the best for my kid, that’s why I prefer to save this money for music, dance and language lessons, than literally throw them in the garbage, after she starts kindergarten and outgrows them.

Among other things.. I’m fighting with some gastric reflux again, for the past 3 days. And still I would eat all the time.. I put 3 kg in the past 3 weeks 😀 14 in total, so far.. I need to do some meditation, I had some stressful weeks… Only that “paper operation” I think it grew me 10 more gray hairs.

I talked with the doctor yesterday at the regular check, she said if I were to deliver, like, now, as baby is 1.8 – 1.9 kg, there should be no issues for a natural birth.. But if I will manage until term, for a 3.5 – 4 kg baby, we can definitely discuss also the option of c-section. So I’m kinda praying for full term now.. I mean, I don’t know, whatever/whenever the baby wants. I will love her no matter what and even if.

For the time being I have prepared her corner in our room (until her room will be ready), a 3 drawers komoda with all her stuff, separated by those Ikea boxes, top drawer: newborn onesies, pajamas, newborn diapers and wipes, 2nd drawer: hooded towels, wash clothes, some burping and plain swaddle blankets and more diapers (I’m kinda starting to feel sorry that I bought that very expensive Miracle Blanket, currently in the maternity bag, but will see), 3rd drawer: bodies, footed pants and jamies on bigger sizes, outdoors clothes and more diapers and wipes.

And next to the window we will have a changing mat and another changing mat will be in the bathroom, next to her baby tub.. And probably will have another changing corner on the couch down-stairs. The co-sleeping bed is still unpacked, Leo doesn’t want to open and install it yet, says it’s too early. I think he is right, but I’m too curious.

So this week I plan to slowly wash and iron also the other clothes (up to 6 and 9 months – not that many left, max 15 items, in total), the rest of the blankets, wash clothes and the baby wrap sling, just to have them all ready, in the same place.

So yeah.. We survived 8 more weeks since the steroid shots. They said if labor starts until 35 weeks they might consider another dose, then, later than 35 weeks will not be needed anymore.

Anxiety attack(s)

I’m working at a new crocheted baby dress for the past two weeks. I did half of it and then undid it, then did it again differently, then undid the 2nd part and now the yarn ended in the middle of the row and it freaks me out because I hate it like this and I want to undo it again until it turns out perfect.

Last evening Leo went to sauna, as he does (almost) every Friday. And I remained home with a wounded Bonnie.. he sprained his paw again. They went to vet now.

Anyway, as I was browsing YouTube videos I saw a very young couple of vloggers preparing to buy stuff for baby arrival. She was 17, around 8th month pregnant, he was 18. And they went and they bought everything that I would buy for my baby, except I’m not yet sure she will really use them: play mat, swing, carousel for over the bed, fancy diapers disposal bin, bottles steriliser, stroller, fancy car seat, pacifiers, toys etc.

And they were saying they have no support from their parents, yet they afforded all of those and they live with rent. And then I saw another video of her emergency c-section (water broke and baby was breech), she was with a smile until her ears for the whole procedure. And then another video of them having the first bath with the newborn baby girl: decent bathroom (to not say, fancy), very nice baby tub with special support for newborns. They were smiling all the time and the baby didn’t show any sign of discomfort, as most babies do at their first bath(s). They really knew what they were doing, it was such a pleasure to watch.

And then it hit me: some anxiety feelings that I didn’t experience in a very very long time. I still have so many things to buy for the baby. There are still so many things that need to be fixed in the house before the baby comes. I can’t drive.. even if I wanted to, my driver’s licence is expired (I flew to RO last summer specially for this, but because very stupid beauracry I couldn’t renew it… That’s why I don’t live in Romania anymore.)

Besides, I’m technically still on bed rest. I would like to clean my dresser(s) and sort out the old clothes and throw them, in order to release the small one, to use it for babies clothes. I think I will slowly do this, over this weekend.

But you know what? My anxiety has really nothing to do with the baby. It has to do with the fact that I started my Maternity Leave. The idea of being “jobless” for the next 2 years apparently has a much more serious effect on me…

I was working for 8 years in this company. I had several transitions, but I held myself with my teeth on that job (a Romanian proverb). And now that I finished handing over all my work, I kinda feel useless. I know how hard it was for me in those two half-of-year times when I didn’t have a job, I always had the feeling that there is something wrong with me, that’s why I cannot find one. But, I mean, now, technically I’m still employed, is just that nobody needs me anymore. I wonder if all future moms felt like this at some point also. I’m anxiously expecting now my first pay of maternity allowance, that should happen around mid April. I wonder if the baby will be born by then. 😀

On Thursday, before signing off, I sent my “goodbye” email to all the people with whom I collaborated the most lately. I wrote that I started on Valentine’s Day in 2012 […] and it took me 8 years […] and now I’m starting my Maternity Leave. I checked it a million times before sending it to make sure I’m not doing any spelling mistake due to emotions. And, after I sent it, I discovered it.

2012+8=2020. So something doesn’t add up. Wait, do I really have 8 years? Maybe I have 7. But last time I checked there were 8.. I remember even LinkedIn said it, they sent me some celebrating notification. So where is the mistake?! F**k, I started in 2011. 😀 In 2012 I moved to Czech Republic. I felt completely incompetent. Even my cervix is doing a better job than me right now. I am sure probably nobody noticed, I mean, nobody cared to do the math. But it unsettled me. I am totally convinced I make much more mistakes (in English) due to lack of knowledge, but when I make one and then I realize I was wrong it’s so hard to forgive myself. Maybe I should work on this.. learning how to forgive myself more.

I’m not perfect. And I will never be. But I want to do so many things. And when I can’t do them, due to certain reasons, I feel like I’m falling apart. And I’m already taking maximum dose of Magnesium, to prevent pre-term contractions.. What else can I do to calm down and get out of this anxiety?

Yeah.. I’m not even starting with the worries regarding the birth. When it will happen and how it will be, I have no idea. I read articles online, with epidural, without epidural etc. I even found one vlog where some lady brags that she delivered naturally without epidural. That when you use epidural (or induction) is not called natural anymore…apparently it’s called “vaginal delivery”…

I mean, in my case, I don’t even know if I can deliver naturally, due to my previous pelvic fracture, if the baby will come at term (3.5 – 4 kg).. So now, with each week that is passing and she is still part of me, my anxiety grows even more, that I’m even considering to discuss a planned c-section. Sure, a lot of women will jump over me saying that c-section is not good for the baby, but they ignore the fact that the baby needs a healthy mom, physically and mentally. I know I have low tolerance to pain, my pulse raises too high and then I faint. It will be no help to anyone if I faint during labor or even worse, if my bone(s) break again due to the effort.

See? Life is not easy. I have some strawberries downstairs, I’m going to wash them and sprinkle some coffee creamer powder over them (I forgot to buy also liquid cream). And then Leo will come back and we go to DM and Pepco to do some small baby shopping.

Btw, dear baby Zubat, be strong until the end of March, don’t come while Mercury is Retrograde. I don’t know how to deal with a Mercury Retrograde native. 🙂 Cool – I just found something to study and keep my mind busy, after I come back with 3 more bags of diapers.

Thank you for your reading patience, don’t worry, I’m fine now. Leo helped me calm down last night when he came back from sauna.

Later edit: I discovered online that it’s a higher probability for the husband / male partner to faint during labor and delivery than for the woman, thanks to the excess of hormons that take over during labor. And since my Leo is trained with sauna and then he can jump in freezing water, I’m sure he will be fine. 😀