Category Archives: Writings in English

About investing in your child

I always heard and still hear or read about this, mostly from parents with a more than decent financial position, mostly, probably, trying to show that they care. If I ever said or wrote about it myself, well, I changed my mind.

Last night I did an important step in my life, which brought me some small revelations. Small step for the world, but a big one for me, personally. I will probably write about it with a later occasion.

So.. investing in a child. In the child’s education. Starting with private kindergarten and ending with college abroad. Sounds fancy, but it’s wrong. You know why? Because an investment implies a certain amount of return. What kind of return are you expecting from your child? A very good job in the future? Will you expect to benefit from this job also, as a parent? Having a decent life after retirement is your job, not theirs.

You know, we Romanian have a saying “make a child to have someone to bring you a glass of water when you are old”. I don’t resonate with this. I don’t expect my daughter to bring me a glass of water when I am old, because she will have her own babies to nurse. I believe is not fair for the kid to add such a big responsibility on their shoulders.

The times have changed. In the developed countries people can decide (more or less) when to have kids. I’m not including here the cases when the child was conceived by accident or without consent. I am talking about a planned and wanted child. Nowadays kids are not made like on a factory line, to be employed from a young age, to help at the farm. Except from cases when parents belong to some movement or cult, in the developed countries the families usually have 1 or 2 kids, enough to have the means to raise them healthy and properly educated.

Anyway, you got the point. So, saying that you invest in your child shows egoism. You can invest in yourself, by taking post-graduate classes or arts or whatever, because it’s you and it’s about you and you are capable enough to understand the responsibility. You know that you expect a promotion after those classes or a change of career. I mean, you can sure put them in private kindergarten, raise them multi-lingual, send them to college abroad, but don’t take it as an investment.

One of the things that left me disturbed from my childhood years is that I never knew (in advance) what are the expectations, but I was qualified as “needs improvement”. In the exceptional cases. In the usual cases I was called plain “not good of anything”. What can this mean? That the investment return was negative? How miserable must be the life of that parent to be capable of calling a child like this..

In conclusion, raising and educating a child should be unconditional. I’m not feeding and entertaining my child as an investment. There might be one small exception on this: health. Especially dental, which is the most expensive to treat. Considering that, until certain age, I will have to pay for the dental care, I might consider an investment a proper hygiene routine and regular preventive checks. But the child will know what is expected from them: to brush their teeth at least 2 times a day, floss at least one time a week, just like their parents do, nowadays.

Also, is much more than egoism to expect from the child more than you expect from yourself, solely because you provided them with much better learning conditions than what you had. Ok, ok, our parents and our grand-parents from the little they had they decided to “invest” in the kids. They did a small mistake. They should have invested in themselves. And let the child decide (age appropriate) if and how much they want to invest in themselves. You, as a parent, except from seeing your child healthy and happy, should not expect anything else.

Just that, too often, parents push kids too much and forget what their job as a parent really is about: just to love them, always, unconditional and no matter what. Everything else is an illusion.

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Life that never comes back

I’d wish to teach my daughter to never be afraid to be happy. Sometimes people will judge. Sometimes she will not be good enough in someone else’s eyes.

But, in the long run, the only thing that matters is the moment. The moment that is already gone. The moment when you were happy, imperfect, but the best version of yourself. If it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough. There will always be smarter, more beautiful or more talented people around you, but there will never be another you.

I’m also going to do my best to teach her how to respect someone else’s decisions, even if (especially if) this may come at odds with her wishes. Nobody taught me this, I had to learn it the hard way, when I finally understood that I simply don’t need to be accepted by everyone.

But maybe she will not have to go through the same things. I’m going to do my best to make her feel loved. I’m going to do my best to inspire her how to take care of her emotions, to treasure them, but not become their martyr. Even if times change, some things will never do: for a relationship to work it will still need (at least) two people to love each other.

I did some things in my life that I thought I forgot, because I believed they weren’t that much of a big deal. But lately they started haunting me, I can feel them somewhere in the back of my head. It’s one particular scene that makes me throw up each time I remember it. It’s about a line that I crossed. Don’t try to imagine the worst, objectively it was probably not that bad. But now, if someone else would do that to me, I could never forgive it.

There were a lot of them in that time, moments when I was literally playing with my limits to see what kind of emotions they cause me. Because I needed to learn how to understand my own emotions. So I will be able to justify it to myself, in case I would stop fighting for what I wanted. To recognize from when exactly it’s not worth it anymore. And when I finally understood it, it came the real challenge: to learn how to suffer. And to understand, once and for all, that you don’t always have to win.

Anyway… I’m approaching that time of the year when people count roses… I’m counting disappointments. No, I’m joking 😀

Now, on a not that much dramatic note: I had a moment of illumination today. I wonder what caused it, maybe I can recreate it. A moment when I understood something about my life. It started with the fact that, considering how many people didn’t like me, I wondered how come I still exist! 😀

I started to dream that I’m presenting my daughter to people from my past. So the 2nd part of the revelation was continuing this, on fast forward, one by one.

Last night I dreamed I had to get into an elevator. At one point it stopped moving and it looked as if the walls started to get closer and closer, to trap me inside, moment when I realized I’m dreaming and I told to myself: ok, let’s keep it realistic. And then I probably switched to a different dream scenery.

The underlying cause of that dream: I’m afraid of dying. No, I didn’t stress this enough. I’m terrified of dying!!! Few nights ago, I literally had a panic attack acknowledging that one day I will have to stop existing. I don’t believe in Hell, because its existence simply doesn’t make sense for me. I don’t know if this implies that I don’t believe in Heaven either, but I’m trying to find peace for my immortal soul. For now it feels like, if I will die, I will get into a place where is completely dark and silent and nothing for eternity.

Until, maybe, I will be born again?! Is my daughter still suffering over the people she let behind when she died?

Student update

So, yesterday I spent 4h just for myself, while baby was in the care of her daddy, Leo. I was having the Financial Reporting (F7) exam. I was dreaming about this moment for the past month, excited what the topics will be.

It was extremely hot in the room… In a big room with about 30 laptop stations prepared, we were just 7 people, for the afternoon session of the exam. I had my exam in British Council in BRNO. It was a building functioning for more than 100 years, while nobody did any improvements to it. Ok, maybe just in the restrooms.

I even had with me a change of clothes on a hanger: office trousers, shirt, sweater.. but in the last minute I decided not to change and remain with the travelling activewear clothes and good I did. None of the other candidates was dressed office, two women had even beach shoes and pants, maybe they were there before 😀

Because we had at least 30 degrees in the room during the exam. They didn’t have air conditioning, just a lousy fan in the ceiling, but there must have been also a heat source somewhere (except for the sun) because I could always feel like a hot breeze over my shoulders. In the middle of the exam I was feeling like I’m fainting… I should’ve eaten more and drank more water… but yeah.. My “traditional Red Bull before exam” this time had to be replaced with a cocktail of 2 pills of Magnesium, 1 B-Complex Forte and 1 Iron.

The exam topics were decent, but very worky… I mean, they didn’t just test our knowledge of the topics, they tested also our nerves. I’m not very happy that in 2019 we still have to use small calculator for exams, but, yeah, at least they are computer based. I wonder if students in college are still doing their exams on paper 😀

There was absolutely nothing about Earnings per Share, no loan notes, no leases, just one tiny mention of a bank loan, no tax calculations, just a tricky question with a deferred tax on a revaluation surplus and one “tax refund” in the Trial Balance in one of the big questions. There was one long item in the 1st big question about some contract to supply some goods, that I skipped because I couldn’t figure out from where to grab it.  The 2nd big question was asking to calculate the profit on disposal of subsidiary, some ratios and then give some decent interpretations.

There were too many questions with Property, plant and equipment.. One question also with a government grant, it probably got me even more grey hairs and in the end I used a random choice, because I couldn’t get to any of the numbers in the given choices.

So yeah, I had my F7 exam and Leo had his parenting exam 🙂 According to him, baby slept 1.5h in two sessions, cried 7 minutes and drank 70ml from the formula baby bottle. They had to move the car two times from where they parked, apparently they were occupying reserved spots..

So yeah, my baby is breastfed exclusively… except for the time when I am in exams, which is 4h/3 months. But, actually, in December she will have already started solids, so no harm here. It’s like she knew in what she was getting herself yesterday, because in the past two nights before the exam she woke up for feeding each 2.5h, just like when she was one month old. In the day before the exam I changed 10 diapers :D, but compensated yesterday with just 5.. And 2 last night.

About last night, I don’t know if it was the adrenaline from the exam or the tiramisu I had in IKEA in the way back home, but I couldn’t fall asleep.. We got home at 20:10, baby fed and capitulated around 21:00, after sleeping also for 1.5h in the last section of the road. So, at around 22 I gave up falling asleep and I went downstairs for some snack. I came back at 01 😀 At 03 baby woke up for food, I was having my nose stuck and my head was so dizzy as if I just went down from a roller-coaster. At 06 again. At 07:30 again. At 8:30 I made the bed,  opened the windows and took her downstairs.

Now, as baby sleeps, I have one load of our laundry to hang, some baby clothes to iron (while I finish my coffee and dream about what I’m going to order for lunch) and to catch up with my Netflix. After my tablet will charge, as I haven’t even touched it for the past two weeks. 😀 Don’t get me wrong, I’m at episode 215 from Muñeca Brava on the phone on Youtube, it’s my current treat when I’m breastfeeding baby, as I’m spending around 2.5h per day, in total, doing this. I hope she will catch some Spanish in the process.

And probably in the afternoon I will start browsing the F9 (Financial Management) study books, that I received by mail on Wednesday. Curious how many typing errors I will find in these ones… And I have to wait until the week of 14th of October for the result from F7.

Day 2958465

No, is not a random number. It’s something I just discovered in Excel. Will Mankind still exist on Earth until then? Will Time still exist until then?

Boring, right? I mean, I’m procrastinating instead of calculating the Diluted Earnings per Share. Excel is distracting me when is converting my numbers in dates…

Diluted… Why not Concentrated? Too many problems. I want to go back to sleeeep. Baby woke up at 5:30 and again I couldn’t fall back asleep.

Talking about fall.. There is a late October weather outside… 15 degrees and foggy. It even smells like carved pumpkins and cinnamon. Just jokin’. I need my sleep.

Existential crisis part II

Since Jupiter came back direct, few days ago, I’m finding myself more confused than ever. I’m “seeing” how my future would look like and I’m very unsure about some things. I don’t know anything about parenting, for example. Because parenting means properly raising your own child. And I have never raised my own child before, all I know is from what I didn’t like from how I was raised and from the stories about the experiences of other parents. And these circumstances will probably never happen again… so… going forward I can only patiently figure it out.

Regarding my study… I went one time through all the study material, some parts even more than one time and things I was sure I understood, two weeks ago, now I have to understand again, because I’m doing tests and I see I’m making mistakes. And 30% of the mistakes are “lack of focus” mistakes. And I don’t know what pains me more, the fact that I’m doing stupid mistakes or the fact that I’m finding stupid mistakes in the books. I gave up counting them when I got to twenty..

When I’m spending all my free time studying (and starting to hate it lately) I wonder why I even started it. Why I got into this maze… And is so hard. Is hard because I don’t know how to be a pass-grade student… And is hard when I’m coming back from the exam with a 55%, for example, knowing how much time I spent studying trying to understand everything. A 50% mark means something like “you barely understood”. I mean, the exam questions are very time-consuming and if you don’t have in your mind the map of what you have to do, instantly, when you read the question, if you have to think about what you have to do, you are lost. Also, even if I’m working in English for several years now, studying (and writing extensive comments over complex topics) in a language that is not my native one is hard. Is very energy consuming. And right now I’m failing to see the light at the end of this maze: is it really worth it?

I’m changing. With every day that passes, spending all my time with this little human, I’m changing. I’m seeing so many things from my life so differently right now. My expectations regarding my integrity and my morality have raised exponentially. And the guilt. Ooooohhh! The guilt! The constant stress: is she warm, is she cold, is she fed enough, is she comfortable enough, is that red-mark on her forehead a mosquito bite, a scratch or something else? She is expert at scratching her face. And I’m having so much stress cutting her nails, they grow so fast! You have to cut them two times a week… And I cannot cut more than two in one session.. Now she has a red dot on a finger also… If that is a mosquito bite I don’t know how she handles it. I had a bite last week on my arm and my body reacted as if it was a wasp bite. I put Fenistil and it got even worse. The other 5 bites that I accumulated in the same period on my legs didn’t get that bad. And yes, I know we have to put a net at the windows, because it was very hot and we slept with the bathroom window and the door open. And I killed more than 10 mosquitoes already, but sometimes they are too sneaky, I’m seeing them after they bit me.

Yeah.. And then we have to put fences at the stairs, for when she will start crawling. And some polyurethane on the marble floors downstairs. And protections at the cabinets corners… And the bathroom upstairs is still not finished. And her room is still not finished. So heah, God help us! I had to bring mom over to wash the windows and the drapes and clean all the dust and spider webs from all the corners. She even ironed the curtains before putting them back! She even made us berries jam. In the two weeks that she spent here she didn’t stay a bit!

I’m looking now at some spider web on the ceiling, here in the room, and it makes me even more depressed. It would take me literally 10 seconds to clean it. But today is Saint Mary, in my religion, you should not do any laundry or cleaning or working with tools. But I did a load of baby’s laundry anyway, otherwise all that regurgitated milk and pee accidents would start to stink. And, please forgive me, Saint Mary, but I’m going to clean that spider web right now! I will leave the carpets full of Bonnie’s hair for Leo to vacuum them tomorrow, first thing when he comes home..

So yeah.. I don’t know if this is post-partum depression, as I was having this feeling again before.. but something it is. I feel numb. Like a robot. But a stuck robot… With tears almost there to leak down on my cheeks.

And I will probably delete this blog post tomorrow. When more guilt will find me, regarding spelling mistakes that I made in it. I wonder how I became a perfectionist from a child that was always told that she is not good for anything… I’m sure I’m not good at everything, probably at things that I should be, but I’m definitely not “not good for anything”. So I beg you parents, I beg you in my knees, please don’t ever say this to your children! Yes, I am aware that such parents will not even see to read this.

Brb, I have a spider web to clean. Please forgive me, dear Virgin Mary. I’m going crazy if I don’t clean that now.

Oh.. And the hair!! As much I was bragging that it will not happen to me also, because I took expensive prenatal vitamins all pregnancy and after, I’m loosing my hair! I find them everywhere, including in her mouth and it her diaper. And they are getting under my glasses and make my eyes and my face itch. It makes me want to shave my head!

PS. For more perspective… Today I have Full Moon transit IC, also opposite Mars and Venus.

The beginning of the rest of my life..

I’ve been fussy all day, trying to find an answer to the question “What to do with the rest of my life”, visualizing how I will write a blog post about it, but then giving up, thinking that nobody would want to read about it.. I mean, nobody would want to read the grand majority of my blog posts, unless they know me or have some special interest or care regarding my life path 😀

Until I saw on Diana’s FB page, the Fine one, that she wrote an entry about this question :)) Ha! Coincidence much? Anyway, now I have the guts to write also.

The thing is.. I always wanted to raise and educate a child, so I can apply what was never applied with me. But my memories (and my traumas, for that matter) of my faulty education, started around school time. My baby is not even 2 months old. There isn’t much you can do to entertain a 2 months old, except being there when she needs boob, diaper change or to see your face. She is so much observing lately, with her big blue eyes, she’s trying to laugh when I make faces to her, when I squeeze plastic bags or I rip papers. And when I clap her hands.

I always wondered how my parents survived for the past 20+ years with the same employer, more or less also the same position. My mom tried to further educate herself by taking Microsoft Office classes, Psychology/Pedagogy module and basic English, so she will become a proper teacher… But I don’t know what went wrong in the process, as she is still (just) Lab Assistant… responsible for the science Labs. Even if she does have University studies, Engineering even. I remember when I was in University I told her that she was stupid for not aspiring for more in her career… She got very upset and told me that I am ungrateful for the time she dedicated to us.

My dad had to follow a Management Master’s Degree so he can obtain the higher Management position in his Office, which he did have for few years. Otherwise he worked as Forest Engineer. Now he is recently retired. I wonder what he does all day 😀 I will ask him next month, June was always his yearly vacation month so he might’ve not realized yet that he doesn’t have a job anymore. On the other hand, my dad was never present to any of our school events, he had no idea what our teachers names are and never been to any doctor checks with us. That’s why I want to involve my baby’s dad into everything, so far baby’s bath time is the most expected time to spend all 3 together.

But what about me? I mean, luckily I can afford to spend 2 years in Leave for raising baby.. I hope once she will be bigger I can take her out for longer walks in the park. Now, if she’s literally dependent on boob.. it’s frustrating to take it out every half hour, in the rare occasions when we eat out for dinner, I always have her on my lap, otherwise she cries. And I cannot stand to hear her cry when I know I own the magical potion that would make her stop. 😀

Ok, long story short. After I left my home-town, I lived for 10 years in Bucharest. Ok, with a break of 5 months while I was studying and doing work Internship in Spain. This year I’m counting 7 since I left my home-country. Still flying there for vacation few times a year.. Last time was in July last year.. Hoping to get there again in September this year, packed also with the baby 🙂

I had.. Travel Agency, BPO Company, Call-Center… So 3 employers, before the current one. Currently the 3rd project/team with this employer. Ok, what I’m trying to express here: for our generation, is kinda impossible to hold the same job (more or less, let’s say the same field) with the same employer for 20+ years. And even so, if you are working in Outsourcing or Consulting, you change so many projects, while still keeping the same job. I wonder how will this job market look like 10-20 years from now.

As for the skills that my baby will need for when she will start working, I can only speculate.. I “see” the home-working freelancing industry is growing exponentially, so I’m hoping the work-centers will slowly dissolve, the traffic jams in the cities will slowly disappear… I “see” much more people on bikes or using transportation means on alternative fuel.. I “see” robots and AI everywhere. I mean, try to think backwards, how much the way we access information has changed in the past 20-30 years…

Be right back… I have a diaper to change and a boob to employ. For the time being. I’ll (try to) correct the spelling mistakes when I am back.

Update: My dad just video-called me :)) He said by mistake, he was testing his new phone. :)) Sure. Mistake. I prefer to call it synchronicity.

Omg, what a dream…

Between 3 and 5:20 this morning…

So, I was with my mom and some other people that she knew, we were trying to get passed a fence into a garden, apparently private property. I don’t know why, but my mom was very pushy about it. I was speaking very loud and they didn’t like it, as I was not supposed to draw any attention. It was night. I kept telling them that maybe we should not get in, if it’s private property, but they said it’s for our spiritual development… Inside there were so many amazing flowers, some blue and indigo ones, extremely beautiful..

And… we got caught! And they took my clothes and my identity.. ?!.. And they took also my brother, I had a big energetical fight for saving him, like the ones Harry Potter and Voldemort were having, but I couldn’t. I was then kicked out and I saw my mom in a very fancy car with very expensive clothes on her and I immediately knew: She sold us out! Her own children!

I was devastated… Lost all faith in humanity.

Apparently I was living in a cheap hotel or something like this. I went back there and they didn’t let me in.. They said they have no more free rooms. I was hungry. I asked, almost begged, if they have some job for me, I would work even as cleaning lady as long as they will let me stay. I don’t remember if I got a job or not, but I did get some food.

And then some delivery person brings me an envelope. In the envelope there was a letter and a banknote of 100 ron. In the note it was saying something like: “Welcome to your new life, in the service of the Good” “all your life so far you have been trained for this moment” “this is your daily allowance, for the rest of your life”. There was also a sender: Oana, my former colleague from the job. (It has some more meaning, why her, but it would be too long to describe it). And I was like: “Interesting, I was expecting something like this might happen to me, at turning 33 years old, not 36…”

I’m turning 36 this year, in December. Should I take it as a premonition?

Ok, so.. In the end I accepted my new status and my new way of compensation and I told the ones from the hotel if they can add also a soup, as now I have money to pay for it. 😀

I went back to my room. There was still a lot happening, like a day long of events, but not that interesting. Then, almost at the end of the 2nd day, I met more people like me and I heard some of them talking that maybe they should give me my allowance for tomorrow already, as they were thinking I might not get also tomorrow “there”…

And I started to get back my motivation to live.. I was telling them, “you know, I’m not that lousy, I do have some powers myself. I can levitate and fly, whenever I want. Although, nobody seems to care, this power is not worth anything…”

And in the second I lifted myself about 5m from the ground, all the people around us freezed from what they were doing and now they were all facing me, like prepared for attack or something. “Hmm.. Looks like, in this new life, this does worth something, as they do care!”

And, as I was back down, I walked to the garage. That garage… the one that has been haunting all my teenage years. There was his car parked in front and he was in it. It was a fancy car, it makes me say some McLaren, although I’m not sure I have even seen how one looks like. I slowly opened the door, I mean, it went so smooth, and I sat myself on the passenger seat, very decided.

I didn’t say anything and he was acting very natural, as if this is what he was waiting from me for all his life so far. The car started moving and we were ready to leave the city behind. We started kissing and he wanted to take of his belt. I helped him take off his sweater. I told him to put the car in Auto-pilot mode.

And then… Here I was, at the beginning of the 3rd day, back to my hotel room. The door lock was not working, to properly close it.. There were more, actually, but all broken… So he got inside. Apparently this “he” was my current life-partner. Or he was, before “my change”. I had a fight with him, accusing him that he was an accomplice of my mom when she sold me out. And then, I left him.. I left the hotel.

I don’t know where I was, but then, some women approached me and they gave me a fist full of coins. At first I thought they were making fun of me, but they said with a grave voice that I should treasure them, because they are made of gold and some other precious metals. I had 4 goldy ones, I was told they are worth 5000 ron each and that I should spend them wisely.

I asked why I got them, I thought my allowance is just 100 ron daily. They said is because I dared to pursue what I truly wanted and not what was expected from me. And sometimes, for doing this, I’m entitled to get some extra. Hmmm.. Interesting.. Very interesting.

And then I asked: but what about my current savings, in my bank account.. Can I access them? I have few hundred.. (I was referring to czk) And they said no, it’s not possible. And then I added “thousand. Few hundred thousand”. And they were looking at each other confused. And they said, “no, these are family money with your former-partner, they are his now, since you left him”. And I said “no, no, these are all mine, we have separate savings accounts”.

They were looking very confused. The leader one was even angry.. She said “Hmm.. in this case it might be an error. Let me check” And she was talking with some of them: “Who brought this one here?! You didn’t do your full background check for her, she is independent, we cannot touch her, she does not qualify for this program”. And I immediately understood that by independent, financially independent, they actually meant “karma independent”.

And then my baby woke up and was begging for food. I woke up also, I dragged her from her bed, next to me, and I connected her to the boob.. While trying to remember my dream. She fell back asleep in 10 min and I got the chance to write about my crazy dream.

I think I never had such an intense and spiritually-full dream, all my life so far…  Now I’m trying to remember what I had for dinner and what movies I saw yesterday that could have caused this.

She woke up again. I have a diaper change to do now 😀

And is getting weirder

😀 last evening there was a very big storm right next to us.. The sky was half black, half clear with very bright sun. I had a date with my Leo at Olesna for dinner and I kept checking the weather apps (rain clouds movements) on my new phone, praying the storm will pass by. We arrived at Olesna. We ordered food, the food came very fast.

And then my cousin writes me on Facebook Messenger that the baby girl is cute (or something similar). I was thinking.. wait, how does she know how she looks like? Aaaa.. Ok, maybe mom sent some pictures to my relatives.

I open Facebook. A bunch of notifications. I open my wall. A picture with the baby, taken 2 days prior, had already about 20 likes and 5 comments. Picture posted about 30 min before… I was driving the baby stroller and having the phone in my pocket, about 30 min before… But I remember that weird lightning, outside of the perimeter of the storm…

You know, from time to time I remember the times I lived in 2007-2008 when way too many events were happening to me, that I was having trouble explaining them with the knowledge I got by then.. It was crazy but also exciting. Synchronicity… I mean, some events that were making me question if I’m losing my mind or some part of the SF that we see in movies is not that SF anymore..

From time to time I get nostalgic and I wish it to happen again.

So yeah… Btw, my last blog post before I had the car accident was something like this: passing through the tesseract – done. Out of the record: I still don’t remember how that happened. It’s like 1 second I was driving and thinking about the pizzas that we will have home and the next second I was in a crashed car, trying to explain to someone that I cannot open my seat belt because it got blocked. Apparently I was too bored in the 4th dimension. So yeah.. be careful what you wish for.

Now… For more context… Before leaving for Olesna I had just finished watching iBoy on Netflix.

I had no intention of posting any picture with the baby on Facebook… and yet it happened. And I have no f*** idea how. I try to replicate it, it would take 5 steps, 5 exact clicks in somewhat different parts of the screen. A perfect storm.

But most importantly, I have no f*** idea why. Bewildered. That’s the correct word to describe it. It now got into my head that my baby might have telekinetic abilities and she posted the picture by herself, with the help of that lightning. 😀

When I saw it, I got scared and I deleted it immediately, I’m sad that I didn’t note the exact minute when it was posted to analyze more about it. I remember now, in those moments I was thinking about writing a blog post about how to overcome obsessions.

The baby started smiling more and even laughing. Sometimes I find it creepy. 😀 The first time she did it, it was on Sunday evening, we also wanted to go out for dinner and, after she woke up, I was changing her diaper. In the second I was closing the 2nd wing, it got warm and the line turned half blue. I looked at her and I asked her trying to use a dramatic voice: so what do you expect me to do now, change you again?! And she laughed. Like, big, noisy laugh.

Is it hard to raise a baby with telekinetic abilities? 😀 Anyone? Ok, my phone was hacked by my leg, sounds more reasonable? Lucky it was not the picture I took with her diaper rash, to check the healing progress.

One exciting day

Since Saturday we started a routine of “going for a walk” around the neighborhood. I even figured out what street / direction is to be taken, according to what time it is, in order for the Sun to not shine directly on her face in the stroller 😀

We don’t have a prom stroller, we didn’t consider it necessary, because the sport seat from our stroller can be reclined almost completely at horizontal and it has also safety belts so the baby stays perfectly secured. Besides, it’s the same brand and compatible with the car seat, that we also used for a couple of times, when she seemed too small for the stroller seat. Her arms and legs have grown visibly, now is not a torture anymore to guide her arms through the sleeves 😀

So, yeah… Because the temperature has been increasing gradually every day, now at noon is 26° C, each morning we tried to start our walk a bit earlier, to not get it too hot inside the stroller.

Today when she woke up at 6 for feed and nappy, I felt a rush of adrenaline that I have to do/start something very meaningful. I was browsing through my ACCA curriculum.. Should I resume my study for F7 Financial Reporting? I need to buy the course books again, I even forgot from where I bought them the first time.. Anyway..

After breakfast I still felt I have to do something different today. So we decided to go to the mall!! I called Leo and asked him what is his opinion and he gave us green light and told me at which time the bus leaves. I had to run a bit to catch it, but it was downhill, for 2 min.. The asphalt was very smooth so the baby didn’t feel a bit. We caught the bus at 09:03 🙂 And, from where it dropped us, we walked a bit more until we arrived at Fryda Shopping Center.

The baby was pleasantly napping during all this time, I first entered in a shop with toys, I found a stand with cute wallets with Czech names, I was thinking to save in it what she received from grandma and grandpa, when they came over. It was one with her name also, but then I noticed the zipper was broken 😦 And then I found so many cute toys that I want to buy for her. I got so excited about playing with them 😀

Then we went to DM, I saw yesterday on their site that they have Water Wipes also! But they were only selling them in pack of 1 which was 99 czk.. On amazon.de I can buy pack of 4 with 11.5 eur, which is cheaper, even considering the exchange fees.

After this, we browsed the onesies in Pepco and I bought her two of them, I would’ve bought more but she started to fuss and cry. I wanted to visit also the baby section from H&M.. but..yeah.. baby rules.

So we went straight to the mother&baby restroom area, for feed and nappy. And I noticed something weird regarding logistics. How do you suppose to go to pee also, as a mommy alone with a baby in the stroller? The stroller was obviously not fitting in the cabin.. And the two rooms specially designed for disabled where locked.. You had to ask for the key to the mall management. So stupid! I’m considering to write them a feedback. And there was no hand soap in the dispenser in the mother&baby room. Lucky I had sanitizer packed.

So yeah… Because I was under… somewhat… pressure, I decided to return home.. I barely bought myself a chicken wrap that I ate in the way to the bus station.

Funny thing, there is this main bus station in front of the Polyclinic, there are like 15 different bus lines stopping there.. Very sunny and very crowded, only one sitting bench, I couldn’t even reach the board to see when my bus comes… So I decided to walk until the next one, 5-6 min walk, around the corner. Lovely shadow, 3 empty benches and nobody waiting. I had to wait for 20 min. Baby was sleeping again. Such a pleasure with such a small baby that sleeps 16h/day 😀

And the bus came and it was almost noon when we arrived home. Baby was hungry again.. Then, I made myself a corn and tuna salad and now I’m procrastinating my afternoon nap… 😀

Top 15%

So I started to sleep long and calm enough in order to have dreams and also be able to remember them.. Baby is sleeping all night from 8ish to 7ish, with 2 short intermissions for diaper change (Leo’s task) and breastfeeding (my task) at around midnight and 4ish so we wake up rested also. Now she naps in my lap 😀

I was trapped again in that never-ending series of dreams, where I am back in school repeating Secondary (5th to 8th grade) or High-school (9th to 12th) classes, because we have to do our final exams again, as the ones we did are not valid anymore, because of the reform in the Romanian School System.. Yeah.. About that..

… So.. after receiving a pop quiz in the Romanian Literature class, that made me sad, because there were 4 very specific questions from a Novel I didn’t read, so I had no idea what to write, I was announced that, surprisingly, over-all, I’m in top 15% of my class, as per my achievements so far.

And this was qualifying me to participate in the competition to become a teacher… which was not much appealing to me, but anyway.. I was told that first I have to fill in a 2 pages personality test of 49 questions with some weird neologisms..

The test was redacted by him… He was now sitting in the classroom bench behind me. I was shocked when I saw his name in the header of the printed pages, so I asked abruptly to remove his name first and reprint, as I’m not filling anything or signing anything with his name on it…

There were more pieces of dreams, but these are the ones that stayed with me the most.

I have a sadness that I cannot speak Romanian with my own child.. because it feels weird.. because she is not Romanian… it doesn’t feel right. I’m speaking with her a combination of Czech and English… Maybe I should start to read her stories in Romanian.. I have to remember the name of that Novel that was in my pop quiz.

You know, from all the objects and teachers I had in school the ones that stress me the most in my dreams are the Romanian teacher in Secondary and the Maths teacher in High-school, although Maths was empowering in the end, as I managed to catch the flow and get on top, Romanian on the other hand was always surprising me negatively. I was never putting enough “i” in the words and enough “,” (coma). I mean, it was also a different performance scale, an 8 (out of 10) in Secondary was tragedy, while an 8 in Maths in High-school was the party of the month.

Secondary was the most traumatic school time experience for me.. way too many objects, I was feeling extremely anxious, I was bullied, ignored, rejected… and I truly wonder how I managed to finish it with final average grade over 9, considering I was barely studying anything at home… I was spending all my free time watching telenovelas or doing creative projects..

Barely from High-school I was taking studying and homework seriously, as I needed my recesses for.. well.. other things :D.. Like going to mom’s laboratory and disturbing her..

So I know how much work I had to put in that, especially in my final 2 years.. I find it an extremely great injustice to have to repeat that.. Hence my nightmares..

PS. They removed the spelling check from this WordPress editor, so please forgive me if I have (too obvious) spelling mistakes that I didn’t spot to correct.

Later edit.. While reading this again (and correcting 3 spelling mistakes), I had a revelation. The thing with repeating the classes.. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me that I can re-write those traumatic memories by using knowledge and resources from people I met long after that. And by resources I mean positive energy. And even if, now, I have to miss the majority of those classes – because, well, even in my dreams I live and work in a different country – somehow I’m still able to patch the holes. Enough that it brought me to the top 15%. Interesting. I have to find that test asap. :))