Category Archives: Writings in English

About homeoffice and staycation..

Last night I dreamed someone was asking me for a toothbrush. 😐

Today I had my longest phone conversation entirely in czech and a visit to ophthalmologist for a consultation and measurement 100% in czech. It was… yeah.. it seems I have the same numbers as I had also 3 years ago, when I went last time, but the main reason why I went is because the lenses got too much scratched and they bug me. And I ordered new frames, will pick them next week. 🙂

So.. About my 2 days staycation yesterday and today.. Yeah.. I can conclude staycasion makes depression worse. I’m joking. I mean, if I am able to joke and smile although I would spend all day in bed on the tablet, it means I’m not depressed, right?

So.. Today I realized that after more than 3 years in homeoffice I am not capable anymore to commute. Just because I had to take a bus to the city and back and because I had lunch in office-mode. I mean, special menu for lunch, expedition mode, I was done in 10 min after I stepped on the door of the restaurant.

Unfortunately when I’m not in staycation and really working the closest restaurant from me is at Olesna and it takes 15 min walk there, 15 min walk back and… Wait.. Actually… Maybe I should try this, maybe for working day lunch they move faster also.

Yesterday I read 5 pages. 😐 Today I only touched the book.

But I planted one flower. I mean, I moved a tiny flowerless plant from inside pot to outside ground.

Staycation is depressing. Working makes me feel useful. The thing is that I was imagining some other activities for these 2 days but they happened to fall in the most falling days.. of the month. Not much fun to bike. And also extremely windy. It was crazy…

From home to bus station I had tears falling from my eyes and it wasn’t because of being sad. I don’t know.. Optimistic? What’s that? Does it have to do anything with eye doctor? You think that with the new glasses I will see the word more pink? Aren’t my shoes pink enough?!

Bonnie is crying that he wants out. He was out just 1h ago.

Yeah. The most sad thing about staycation is when you wake up 5 min before usual waking up time and you cannot fall back asleep. And you have no motivation to get down to make coffee and climb back with the working laptop.

I tried last week, I worked from the desk. I have office chair and everything. I was feeling like there are needles in that chair after just 2h of sitting.. I told you I suffer from adhd. And from being human. It’s really hard these days. You need to eat like 4-5 times a day.. and nobody to cook it for you. I got used to eat cans. A lot of cans. Tuna, corn, beans, chick peas.. I love garbanzo beans. 🙂

In another dream we were talking together and then his phone beeps and he received a booty call message so I let him go. I can’t remember the name of the girl. There were more things that I dreamed last night but I can’t remember them..

Ok now I’m hungry. And not even funny anymore. I’m funny just by being completely funnyless.

I love my work. I mean, I’m starting to see the bigger picture, to understand the role of all the processes I’m doing every day.

I got to a certain level of proficiency to make me feel useful and important, like I’m saving the day with that piece of information that only I have. I got to a certain level of comfort to not feel like I’m working from one salary to another anymore. I mean, it’s been more than 12 years since I got my first worked money: 700 eur “beca” for my 3 months part-time internship in Spain. A fortune at that time for me.

If I wouldn’t have to work I think I’d die. The only thing I could really not live without. Can I marry my work? 😀

Wait. The owner of the house and 1/2 of the car just got home. Maybe I should buy myself a house also. 😀

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About motivation, ambition and a competitive spirit

😀 You know I’m cryptic and I love to be this way, I value intensity over quantity and sometimes I express what I want to express only between the words.

Yet my greatest aim is to be able to communicate more and more by using fewer words. Efficiency AND effectiveness.

I love to create my reality and to share it with the rest of the world.

I’m trying to achieve a balance between creating my reality and exploring the one of the people I’m interested in. I’m naturally prone to losing myself while being in someone else’s shoes, when trying to understand them.

Oh, it’s like a hypnotic state, a state of compulsion, yet intrinsic. And it took me way too long to understand when I’m doing it and how to snap out of it.

My greatest need is to understand everything I stumble upon. I’m obsessed to understand actually, in particular emotions, reactions, motivations.

Recently I came to understand the difference between addiction and obsession, although there is something else, more or less from the same spectrum, called mental masturbation. Sounds funny? Or tabu? It takes high consciousness to be able to recognise it and to admit it. And to realize when you should stop doing it.

Funny thing is I never read about something like this, I just realized it on my own and that term seemed the most suitable to describe it. Now I’m actually curious to see what the mighty google says about it.

There are some harmful things that I discovered in my past behaviour in respect to other people and I would have prefered them to tell me directly what was bothering them instead of trying to be “nice” and going around the bush or even ignoring me.

I still have to understand from which material those creatures are made, that have the power to ignore and don’t implode while doing it, as I can never ignore, this “ability” doesn’t seem to me to be a desirable human trait.

So I was saying I appreciate bluntness. I appreciate it especially because it takes a lot of guts to be able to express it. And when it’s driven by empathy it also implies a self-sacrificing spirit, which I’m not yet decided if I appreciate or not, so I’ll try to develop below.

I often come across this “Be nice, it doesn’t cost you anything!”, I don’t remember it ever being addressed directly to me, but I’m seeing now from their perspective.

It does cost! Time and energy. That’s why I appreciate bluntness, because it shows how much that person values their time and energy and it also makes me good to know that I can contribute to the raising of mankind by not demanding (too much of) it.

Yet I make a clear distinction between blunt/unrefined and rude/jerk. And then there is a fine line in the middle of them called flirting. But that’s a different story.

Biking season started

So on Saturday morning I took out my bike from “naftalina” and cleaned it and pumped the tires. Ok, the front one I did it myself, the back one Leo helped, because I was actually trying to demonstrate to him that my bike doesn’t need special pump. I just knew it works with standard car pump. Which makes me wonder why the whole last year my bike was lying around in the living room while I was procrastinating taking it to gas station where they have pump with compressor.. I was never finding enough energy to do that, which was actually not even needed, but I didn’t remember that. Anyway..

So barely on Sunday afternoon I got the chance to jump on it, keeping company to Leo for an errand until Mistek. Which caused me some pain.. in my surrounding area.. that I was barely sitting for two days. But it was fun, nonetheless.

Yesterday after work, as the sun got out after a rainy morning, I grabbed Bonnie (by the leash) and we went for drinks and dinner at Olesna. Same as on Friday. At least I have a nice place where I can use my meal-vouchers card.

Today it was even warmer and sunny than yesterday, so I dared to go for dinner on bike. After spinning for 2 rounds of Olesna  ~10 km in total. And when I got out from restaurant to head back home it was so cold, as the sun had went down. And when I got home after biking all the hill from Olesna I was barely moving, my legs were shaking feeling like semi-jelly, I was imagining the soreness I would feel for the next days… but after a hot shower the muscles came back to normal state.

So yeah.. diary of a 34 years old. Feels like 20ish. This time I intended to be peaceful and a bit funny, as I am aware most of the times, lately, when I write on my blog, I am either overwhelmed (by some dream) either depressed. But that’s life, we have to embrace all the poles from it.

I predict this will be a year with great possibilities for relaxing, where I can peacefully enjoy what I’ve built for the past years. I can feel it in the air. Except for that part, somewhere in the summer, when I will have to fly again home to renew my driver’s licence and my passport, as they’ll both expire this year… not much fun.

Who knows, maybe next year I will have the mental resources to finally aim for that trip to the long desired Argentina. It’s the 12h 14h flight that makes me reluctant, now that I experienced it already last year, after another 1h flight to Frankfurt or Paris… after 5h of bus and train to Prague…  too much transit time.

Simply everything

At first I wanted to call this blog post “I know too much… and yet not enough” but I remembered the other thing. They both make sense with the entry below.

Last night it was 325 at 4th floor. Which actually was 5th floor, counting also ground floor.

I was visiting someone at first floor, I was dating that person. At one point, the elevator I was in, had a malfunction and I heard people outside calling the emergency services. It was going down for few floors, normal speed, with me alone in it, then it stopped. I ignored the warnings and when it stopped I was able to force the door open and I got out. Nothing happened.

Then I dared to walk the stairs up, I knew I would have to find the apartment. And when I found it was a nice brown metal door with 3 or 4 full pages typed glued to the door.

The door in the left was the same Cafe place, also with a lot of papers on it. I didn’t dare to get closer and read what it was on them, maybe it was not the right time, but, now that I wrote it down, I have a guess what they meant.

But… Why?

Just started reading a book I just bought from the huge books & gifts Store Carturesti Carusel. It’s a translation from “How to raise human beings”. I guess. At least this is how I would translate the Romanian title. I was a bit reluctant to buy it, although I was feeling great attraction to it. I was afraid that reading it might kill me. metaphorically speaking.

It put me “on thoughts” literally from the 2nd page, when I got to the word that probably supposed to have been the opposite of “altruistic”, which in English it’s translated “low”…

Is it weird to keep growing thoughts, at 34 years old, that “I don’t know Who I am”? For example, on a scale from 1 to 10, how much altruistic am I, really?

I mean, let’s be honest.. Everyone learns themself through their life experiences, through their family, friends, educators, teachers, managers etc. Some get to discover tools like astrology, various zodiacs put together by ancient cultures, numerology, Kabbalah, aura readings, psychological and personality profiles and types.. and then they spend a whole lifetime observing if they are indeed what it is written that they might be.

But what if, during your whole lifetime on Earth, you never have the chance to get into contact with what you truly are? What if you are not (only) a Human Being?

Is not like, when you get born, you automatically receive an instruction manual of “Who you are and How to let others know that you can be just that.” Ok, some people might raise their hand and state, without even blinking, that they know who they are. Good for them.

The grand majority might have never even dared to ask themselves this question and they still live blissfully. I am not that lucky.

Sometimes, I mean, when I’m asked and I feel it is appropriate to say what I really believe and not what the other person would like to hear, I am usually saying that I’m more than I can capture myself into a description.

I’m 360 degrees in the same time. I’m the Sun, the rainbow, a Moon eclipse, a uncoutable number of vibrating atoms, black matter, and all in the same time. By the same logic I could even say that I’m a 5D trapped in a 3D.

Am I too philosophical, perhaps? Perhaps. I am too philosophical. Or maybe I’m not. It all relates to whom I am comparing myself. Am I philosophical? I am. Or? Am I not.. anything at all?

And, btw, Who are you?

Too old for this

Kinda weird these passed 3 days… I was bothered by a migraine, that started around 4 PM on Thursday. And, since Friday I was off, I had even more time to indulge in my misery, that 3 nurofens, one every 6 hours were not able to end. And before sleep I took a shot of Martini with lemon. I guess it helped, no more migraine this morning.

Instead I had 4 or 5 different dream sessions last night. Rarely happens to dream that much. The first one was that I was with a younger sibling and we were trapped, in a house with more people, by some crazy person who wanted to shoot us dead. At one point he got distracted into a different room so I took the chance and tried the door. It was a double door, made from wood, locked, yet somehow I was able to bend it, that much, like a plastic foil, and squeezed ourselves out, through a corner.

And then I did the same with the 2nd layer. I told the other person to run away and then I got into a corridor, I found a room, it had a window, I opened it and jumped out into a nice garden with a big road through a forest. Then I woke up, all sweated and had to pee.

Then had another dream, there were two boats, I was on the bigger one. It was just me and Leo on this boat, he was leading it. I knew it was big and strong enough to not sink even if I was jumping on it. On the other boat there were some teenagers and there was this girl who tried to do something, to save someone, yet through a risky procedure. I shouted to her to not try it, because, if she does that, the ice will break under her feet and she will fall.

And it did. So I jumped fast into their boat, pulled her out from the water and without even blinking I stripped her wet clothes and put on her my dark pink active wear sweater that I had on, even if I had just a t-shirt myself underneath and outside it was almost freezing. And I took her wet clothes and aligned them down on the sunny planks on my boat, to dry.

And in another dream, I had bought a 3 days stay, to a Wellness place, somewhere on a spanish island. And it turned out the vendor deceived me, because they didn’t inform me about all the procedures I had included in my package and some of them were a bit too much… intrusive.. So I went back with the newly acquireed info and demanded they return my money or change my package into something more… vanilla.

And in the last dream I dreamed again that I was walking around that building, searching for the number. It’s tragic, really, finding yourself repeating the same dream for months, years. It got me closer, at some point, part by coincidences, part because I took it as a challenge and searched for the info, but I still don’t have all the variables solved, to be able to narrow it down to a 3 digits number.

And even if I would, there is simply no utility in owning that information since I cannot share it or use it in any way. This New Me I’ve grown for the past 10 years is strongly against doing that, I have some moral laws to abide by, now. I hope my subconscious will eventually realize that it’s time to let go.

Because in this reality I would not get even 300 m closer to that street, not even threatened by a gun pointed to my head, as I don’t want to risk a heart attack or a stroke. You never know what opening past life portals can do to you.

I’m joking. “It’s the mystery that drove her crazy, the compelling curiosity of seeing if in reality it was the same place, as that place she dreamed about tens of times” it’s probably written on my dignity’s tomb stone, in a parallel universe.

Anyway… I had a tantrum at lunch. I mean, we decided to take Bonnie and go for lunch at Tom’s, as it was a sunny day with over 5 degrees Celsius. Same decision as, unfortunately, half of Frydek-Mistek. So we got there and all tables were full.

I remembered they had a separate restaurant-wing for the hotel guests and I took a very impulsive turn into that direction, when my right knee jumped from its place.

And that restaurant wing was closed, so pain in vain.. You know, when this happens it always hurts me more the fact that I feel I was punished by my guardian angels than the physical pain itself and I don’t understand why.

I mean, I don’t know exactly what that f** knee is doing, moving around, just that it was hurting at stepping, same thing it happened in December, couple of days before I bought my treadmill, when I spent with it two days wrapped in elastic band with Voltarene, until it stopped.

So the temporary impossibility of properly walking, the low blood sugar, the overall emotional whiny state of why all this is happening to me, all tables being full, it was too much. I grabbed Leo by the sleeve and pulled him out, sat on the stairs and started crying. I couldn’t even cry properly, I was in public, I cannot cry in public, so I was more like a child suffering from “the broken cookie syndrome”, than crying.

Conclusion.. I’m too old for this. Having children, just for example, I think my time has passed. Somewhere between moving to Czech Republic and realizing that if I don’t go to sleep at 22:30 my whole next day is doomed. And if I go earlier is doomed anyway, if I catch a Mercury turning retrograde critical day, I will end up with a 3 days migraine. So yeah… How can you not love this reality and its inhabitants 😀

Wait, I just heard Leo is preparing dinner. I take that back. All of it. :commercial alert: Life is Good. Again.

Israeli quail eggs

This is what I dreamed last night. That he came to me with a carton box of 6 quail eggs, but he had only one left in it and it was old and also broken, so he asked me to replace them, at least 2 of them. I mean, to replace the air in his box with good fresh quail eggs. And I knew they were Israeli because the Nutrition info were written in Hebrew over the box.

I had eggs for breakfast. Chicken eggs. I find quail eggs creepy, too small, too colored, so I could never eat them.

And then I dreamed I was leading a space teleportation elevator, I “borrowed” it from Jerusalem and flew with it until Tel-Aviv. I was gazing at the sky-scrapers from above and trying to take mental pictures of their amazing views, also with beautiful nature landscapes and artesian water fountains.

It was very easy to control it, by simple movements from the wrist with my right palm. Up, down, left, right – like any normal dream-elevator. I was thinking to myself that I’m happy I’m back there, I loved Tel-Aviv, its energy. What positively surprised me is how many artesian fountains they had this time, as I remember seeing only one when I visited, in Ha-Knesset Square.

When I landed in Tel-Aviv they confiscated it from me, a couple of special forces women dressed in black, saying that I’m not allowed with alien technology without being properly tested. And something about equality, in the Muslim Israeli Agreement, I didn’t understand much.

Ok, lunch is ready. I cooked zucchini soup with spring onion, dill and sour cream. Yummy!

..and roles shifting

Lately I’ve been having a lot of revelations. Roles of people in my life, in respect to mine, have shifted. I’ve learned new things about me and about my purpose.

And sometimes, in order to fulfill that purpose you have to dismiss people who you thought might help you. At least that’s why you brought them into your life, in the first place.

Or maybe they did help you for a while, until something bigger than you shifted, and you start to notice in them some character traits which appall you.

And you shyly start to believe again that your truth is bigger than theirs and you don’t need them.

And things and beliefs that always had the power to make you happy cannot and should not be changed, because they are part of what makes you, even if a lot of people don’t resonate with them. That’s ok, there are people who still want to believe the Earth is flat, there is a timing for everyone.

I want to believe in the existence of a higher dimension, a realm so sensitive where mere thoughts have the power to create and where dreams are real, even if they are just chemical discharges in your brain during sleep.

Why? Because I can. In the end (or in the beginning) the whole reality is made only of energy and vibration, everything possible exists in the same time, even everything not possible, hence the dark matter. 🙂

Time is just an illusion, our bodies are not meant to life forever, temperature, sounds and colors are different just by how fast the atoms in their material vibrate, so, what are we talking about here?!

I’m not fanatic about my beliefs, I am willing to listen to different opinions, which are trying to challenge them, even for months in a row, but in the end you will only realize that you shifted on the other side and I’m still here, where I have always been, patiently waiting for you.

And yes, I don’t have many friends, lately even less, because life didn’t keep me enough in the same place to have the chance to grow and to nurture friendships, but I do have deep spiritual connections, with people I haven’t seen in a handful of years, some even only once or twice ever.

It comes a point in your life when you discover that you Could use you energies and your talents in a different way, to attract people better. But then what? If this process is too consuming and then you attract more than you can handle, is not good either. What comes naturally is the best.

Not everyone is meant to be a celebrity in this world, for example, some are popular in a different realm. There are many people who have lived their lives completely behind the scenes, nevertheless they helped many to learn how to shine their own light. Some people simply shine more on the inside, but until they acknowledge this they might try to force their truth onto others, causing unnecessary misery.

What I’m trying to say is, Thank you, transiting Jupiter in apparent retrograde, through my first house, you are exactly what I needed. 🙂 I will never doubt of you again.

Which makes me think – we are all just earthworms, in respect to this reality. We think we see the light, but we actually don’t see anything.

Crumbling sapphires

I had a dream last night. It was epic. The title is inspired from it.

I woke up with below song in my head. And this exact same song, which was the first I had the chance to hear for today, was playing in the first shop I entered in Fryda, this evening.

So I got home and started searching for it, now I have to listen to it twenty times until it gets out of my head.

Good morning, Spring!

So the Sun is shining, the mountains of snow are melting, the birds are chirping, the buds are growing, the… I can even smell the spiritual. :d Doesn’t make sense? It’s ok, it makes for me and is funny.

So Jupiter just entered Retrograde mode. And Mercury entered the shadow phase, from where it will go Retrograde on 22nd, for its usual 3 weeks, I already spotted and corrected one mistake. I see also Saturn is planning to take a revising and restructuring journey, from April 17th to September 6th and it’s gonna be big this year, because it’s in Capricorn, its sign.

This week I received a small pot of a pink peonies plant, can hardly wait to see them bloom and smell them! I love the smell of peonies, after a refreshing summer rain. I received them in Tesco, at the cashier, in exchange for 79 czk, from my own card.

Because Leo got upset with me when he realized each time I’m only watering my small plants and I never go also in the jungle from the other side of the balcony to water also his banana trees. I explained, my water recipient is holding just enough for my plants, I would have to make two trips to the sink to get enough for his also. Or I could take two recipients. :d Looks like I found a selfishness bug here.

What else I could write? I guess that’s enough for today. I need to harness energy now to go prepare lunch. Soya chunks with champignons and tomato sauce and grilled zucchini. -Ish. This is what always happens at the end of the week, I run out of the good proteins so I have to improvise.

Also on Thursday evening and yesterday evening I ran 5km, I was in the mood, because both my German teacher and my therapist life-consultant wrote me they are sick, so, if I didn’t have to go to the centre, I had to do something else with the energy from all the cookies that Leo brought me these days.

Anyway, now I feel very hungry, even if I had a big breakfast, so, see you downstairs for a slice of fresh pinapple.