Category Archives: Writings in English

Accepting that you’ll never be good enough

Fortunately the internet is big enough also for mediocre people to write in it. Like me. Average in everything. Just as special and unique as everybody else.

But no, what I actually mean: I’m at the middle of my life and I have no special skills in anything. No outstanding achievements. Nothing out of the ordinary to brag with. As a random example, the last movie I saw in Cinema was in 2015. Fifty shades of grey. I haven’t seen a professional theatre play since 2007. (Later edit, actually 2008. The one in 2007 was a musical, in Lisbon). See how average am I?

Am I in a mood today of feeling sorry for myself? Perhaps. I mean, why not? I’m tired of carrying all this armour. Why keep fighting? Nobody cares anyway. And I’m saying it with the most peaceful mind…

I did try you know? I had a time when I cared. I cared also about what other people think about me. I cared of not getting out or going to work without make-up. But now nobody cares anyway.

So when you suddenly come to the realization that, considering what you did so far, you will never be good enough to achieve your most ardent dreams, what do you do?


That day on Isla Mujeres

It was amazing. Remember?

I rented a bike and I did the tour of the isle, closest as much as possible to the shore. It was sooo hot! In the middle of the day, I was having bio sunscreen I applied 3-4 times on my arms and on my shoulders, I was afraid I will get burned, but it worked. No sun burn.

When I finally arrived on the other head of the isle I found a Jamaica style restaurant and I had fish tacos and a natural lemonade. I don’t know what they put in that lemonade, but it was the best I ever had in my life!

But you know what was the most energy charged moment from all that trip? The first afternoon in Guadalajara at the Taqueria Tomate: tacos, Corona and one Enrique video on the high monitors. I’m telling you, I will be able to draw energy from that moment for eternity on. It’s impossible to not feel instantly good when you get there. The food was also awesome and relatively quite cheap.

I think knowing the local language helps you connect more intensively with the grounds. Israel was also nice, but not that much epic. Israel was more of a dare, to myself, an idea that started from discovering the exact place of a set of cubic stones.

There are times when you feel epic in the company of other people, but in the end I noticed it’s not the company that makes you feel good. It’s you and the connection that you have with that place. I discovered that you can still share a particular place with other people, even if you haven’t been there in the same time.

It’s intriguing, you know? I usually feel so much when I listen to Enrique’s songs, but when I was at the concert I didn’t feel absolutely anything for the big majority of the show. It was very nice, sure, it was my first big concert, but I didn’t feel it as I was expecting it.

This is really awesome. I haven’t achieved this feeling of high in quite a while and I didn’t even have sugar for dinner. 🙂

Dry cooked salmon, basmati rice

With cucumber, avocado and soya sauce aside. So who said you cannot have sushi? 😀 Ok, cooked Sushi. It might be a month since last time I had salmon, I was usually having once per 1-2 weeks. I was missing it. It was delicious.

Leo made fresh coffee this morning. He even remembered it was 3 weeks ago when we last made coffee… because I couldn’t stand the smell anymore, I am usually having instant. But this morning it smelled so good, cozy, house was all clean, I even had a feeling of Christmas vacation, waiting for the tree to appear behind some corner.

Surprisingly the nausea is starting to settle down, I learned to not let the stomach to get empty, always having nuts or sticks or salty biscuits and I cannot eat out anymore… too many smells. And I started having a bit more energy, probably the body is now comfortable without the after lunch coffee. But I am giving a lot of credit for this also to the ginger root tea, it calmed a lot my stomach and my bowels. And since I’m having the last meal at 19:30ish I’m good enough to fall asleep at 22ish.

What else… Yeah, yesterday morning I was shopping and I was in the mood for some good jam. And I bought myself a jar of very good bio Apricots jam and it was delicious on freshly baked bread with butter. We already ate half of the jar :D. Hopefully I will not abandon it, like I did with the peanut butter – I took a spoon from it when I bought it and then I didn’t like it anymore.

It got cold. Yesterday we had under 15 max, today, now at noon we have 12 and tonight should be around 6. So this evening we will start the heating up season, Leo has cleaned yesterday the chimney, he was all black.

So that’s about it for now. 9 weeks and counting.

Do you remember?

I started reading again The Celestine Prophecy, over 10 years since I first read it. Nothing much changed since then… in respect to the over-all evolution of consciousness of the human race.

Yes, the access to information has increased exponentially, the sources from where to re-educate yourself – with kindness – are also way too many, but the big majority of the users, the ones which didn’t have enough means to “touch” the Internet in the early 2000, when the first personal sites and blogs started to bloom, they don’t respect them, they don’t know how to use them properly, they don’t understand how to discern between a true source and a fake one, they don’t know how to properly add value, they are just consuming media crap, trolling and lurking.

The truth from the book is still valid, maybe even more easily to recognise it right now, because the fight for energy has reached a climax. Everybody is fighting for power. The majority has no more respect for the minority, they are obsessed, drunk with power, fighting against that 1-5% that is different.

It’s now much more obvious. Yet most are fighting with imaginary monsters. Not inner monsters, just imaginary… just for the sake of fighting. Because they don’t know peace, they never met it.

And yeah, I’m just at the beginning of the 4th Vision.. I remember bits from the rest, but I do want to finish reading it again. Some paragraphs are for very beginners, but others are still inspiring.

I had a dream last night. It changed something in me. I made a confession to someone, over something that happened in the early spring of 2009, that consumed me way to much at that time, but I never dared to say what was really my true motivation for asking for that information.

My impression was that I was understood wrongly, but the reaction I received at that time was too aggressive to even conceive the idea to explain myself. And it was altruism, you know. The reason why I asked for that information, at that time. But I guess you’ll never know it.

Now I realized I was too naive, for a very long time: you cannot make yourself understood to someone who is having a tantrum. You need to wait for them to realize what they did and barely after they apologise to continue. Barely then, they are able to listen. Well, my naivety stayed in the fact that I was forgiving too many things from too many people who never apologised. Because I didn’t know that people can do that. Until I learned that they can. Which revealed me where were the true monsters under my bed.

Or maybe I wrote it, in some email later on, that was probably never read? I don’t remember. I only remember that I kept inside way too many details about that. Because nobody had the care and the energy to help me understand when it’s enough and it’s ok to stop. Until someone did, yet the Time-Out in which I am right now is lasting proportionate to the age of my soul…

So, one looooong sigh and let it go. Ok, another one. And another one. It’s like the more I remember and I try to let go the more I remember. I lost hope that anyone will ever take me out from this Time-Out, but I’m in peace, nonetheless.

I don’t know what to eat anymore..

I know, I’m not the only one who has ever been through this. I’m not complaining. I’m just sharing my experience…

You want to know something that nobody tells you? I will tell you. There is no such thing as morning sickness. Because it’s lasting all f* day. From about 1h after breakfast until I fall asleep at night. Ok, it may reduce from intensity while afternoon is approaching, but it’s coming in waves. Sorry. At evening. In a usual day at 10 PM you can cut logs over me.

Ok, not really, I have a very light sleep. Besides having to wake up about 3 times each night to pee, every strange noise wakes me up also… If my Leo happens to have some moments of heavy breathing I have to give him a “hint” to roll over on the other side… Apparently this is a training mode, getting used to sleep only in sessions of 2-3 hours.

I had such a beautiful dream last night, I was teaching English to my little girl. I wish it so badly for that 11 mm creature with that tiny heart beat, that we saw on monitor on Wednesday, to be a girl.

Now, back to the foods. The only thing I could see myself eating at all times is yogurt and unflavored cereal flakes. I cannot stand fresh veggies anymore… From that evening when I threw up only chunks of veggies. All colours. 😦

I cannot stand not even pasteurized orange juice anymore. 😦

My all favourite RioMare cous-cous Insalatissime doesn’t taste the same anymore. My taste buds are completely crazy. I cannot see or smell or even be in the same proximity with the fresh meat or fish shelves.

I ordered food for lunch on Thursday, I just didn’t know what to eat and the idea of a  Zinger from KFC didn’t make me nausea. Yet. And I added also a portion of Crispy Tenders and a mash-potatoes box. The sandwich was ok, but the chicken and the mashed while they got cooled a bit they tasted horribly bitter. Apparently my taste buds confuse spicy with bitter. Or simply that food is not meant to be eaten while is not very hot anymore. Great, now I cannot even conceive trying any fast-food again.

But I still crave hot-dogs. With a lot of mustard. I know they say you should not eat them because they can contain some very harmful bacteria, but I also read that if you boil them right, by yourself, before eating them, they are ok. Today I just couldn’t help it anymore. I found some with 90% meat.

I mean, I think it is still much safer to eat these or already cooked and packed chicken schnitzels (carefully re-heated before eating) than to try to cook meat by yourself, dirtying your hands, knifes, kitchen sink etc.

What else.. I discovered that fresh apples from the garden, hand-picked and very well washed can help a bit with the nausea also. And the Holy ginger root tea. And mint tea or nettle tea, from time to time. Otherwise I don’t even know which other tea to drink.. Everything comes with so many weird plants and ingredients that I don’t know if they are safe or not.

Bye for now. My boiled potatoes with salt and butter are done.

And that bag of salted pistachios kinda flirts with me.

About tantrums

I don’t know exactly how I came to watching a YouTube video about tantrums. 😦 It left me severely disturbed. I believe more than 75% of the teachings on “how to deal with a tantrum” are wrong and stupid.

My mom used to say to me that I was throwing impossible tantrums each time we would end up into the neighborhood toys store.

Mind you, during the communism time, late ’80ies and even a lot from the ’90ies, in my neighborhood there was only one single store which had books, school supplies and toys. And by toys I mean a couple of naked baby dolls, some tiny cars and some building blocks. And each time there was new merchandise I was wanting it and screaming my lungs out until I was getting it.

But it was never about the toys. No tantrum is ever about the object itself, the object is just the excuse to finally express the disappointment. When a child throws a tantrum is because he/she is overwhelmed by emotions and feels completely disconnected from the parent and maybe from the reality itself. Next time just imagine him/her crying and screaming this “Help me, help me! Help me calm down, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to react like this either, hitting the floor with my fists and legs hurts me and I’m very scared of this. I’m so freaking scared and You slap me and spank me and scream at me to shut up? because I’m disturbing or embarrassing you?? This is what I am in your life? A disturbance??”

And yes. They will hate you with all their guts in those situations. Oh, and in so many others. They will hate you because you can’t deal with it. Mostly because you cannot deal with yourself. And you will have to accept it and learn from it. Because you are obviously too weak to help them go through that and land them safely at the other end of the tantrum. You obviously forgot how it was to be a baby and a child yourself. You learned that life is never fair, it is cruel and unmercifully and this is the only way you know how to treat others, smaller than you. How would you expect him/her to listen to you and to trust you with their care and life itself, if you appear so disturbed by a tiny lousy tantrum? What it can really do to you?

And something else I believe, a tantrum happens loooong time before it really happens. Babies have a very small tolerance to frustration, but they do have a very small tolerance to frustration. Yes. I wrote it right. So you can start working on increasing that very small tolerance from the first days. Leave them be as independent and in control as possible. And so many things are possible.

For example, my plan is to let the baby eat by himself right from the time I will start diversification. So what if he cannot hold the spoon? No problem, he can eat with the hand and the fingers from his food bowl, until the tiny muscles will be strong enough to hold a spoon properly.

I will never run with the spoon full of food after the baby or playing tricks to make him eat. And I will always show them and tell them what the food contains. I will show them the raw product that was cooked to make their puree. And I will eat the same thing along with them.

As he knows how to suck milk from the breast, from the first hour of life, he will definitely know at 6ish months old how to bring the food with the tiny fingers, put it in the mouth, taste it and swallow it. It’s basically what they do every time anyway.

And at one year old a baby can very well eat by himself, with the spoon, and have also table manners. Yes, I’ve seen them. Live. They are even capable of wiping their mouth and the table in case they dropped a bit, you only have to lean them a napkin.

You don’t even have to tell them what to do with it. They have eyes. Would you believe it? They had eyes since the day they were born. They saw everything. Ok, on a very small distance at first, but enough to see you how you eat, for example. And nobody was feeding you with a spoon, you were feeding yourself.

Now, back to the tantrums. So, when a child makes a tantrum they are already far over their comfort line. They feel severely ignored, disconnected and completely not loved. They feel you don’t care about them and about what they feel and what they think they need. They feel how the persons that suppose to help them understand life they are only controlling them, disturbing them, hindering their autonomy, instead of actually helping them. And on top of that, adding also stupid and unnecessary rules, under the pretense of disciplining, just to inflate their egos and make them feel they are the boss.

And by the way, parent, if you ever got to the point of telling to your child “I made you, I kill you!” you should very slowly pack your stuff, leave the baby in the care of another adult or take him with you and present yourself urgently to the first psychiatry guard. Yes. You are fired from parenting. You are now in probation and you need to undergo a serious long-term training. From this point on you lost the connection you had to your child. If they will ever find you excuses and forgive you, be sure they will never ever forget what you said.

Discipline what?? What you destroyed by your own single self?

Yes, there are relationships and relationships, some babies and parents have a smoother connection, others have a more rigid connection.

Astrology? Yes. This is what I believe. Astrology can give you hints where to start working, if you have not a very smooth connection to your baby. It’s pretty simple actually. But you first need to be open-minded enough to believe in it. It’s not necessary about the fact that it’s real or not, it’s about the fact if you believe it or not. And by Astrology I don’t mean the Horoscope from the magazines or a simple comparison of the Sun Sign. I mean detailed Synastry, Composite and Transit charts.

And by then you will discover way so many other things about life and about yourself, that nobody ever told you.

A baby is not a monster, a baby is not a creature always searching for ways to piss you off. They don’t behave badly just for the sake of behaving badly. Yes, they test the limits, but when they end up testing a certain limit, it’s when you have to question yourself also, if that limit is still realistic or has outgrown its purpose.

When they appear angry and uncooperative is because something is disturbing them, something is making them uncomfortable, in that present moment. Most of the times they are tired, hungry, wet, hot or cold. Is just that simple.

Oh, and they feeeeel you big time!!

They just want to live their life in peace.

Your job as a parent is to calmly and confidently guide them how to do it, not to discipline them. Especially not to give them “time-out”.

Time-out from what?? YOU?? Do you realize what you mean by this? Do you realize that by this you accept YOU are a danger to your child, right?

Yes, you may not always feel confident, in which case you have to admit it. And ask for help. Don’t play brave and spill out unreal things or lies if they ask you something. They also need to understand that nobody has the duty to know everything.

Yes, I’m not a parent yet. But I was a child. And I grew up with other children I am now a pretty independent grown up and I had the luck of years and years of peaceful life, after I left the nest, to meditate about myself and about the purpose of life.

I haven’t found yet the absolute purpose of life, but I discovered this: what every sane person wants in this life is to live it in peace. As much peace as possible. Pretty much without words, if possible.

Can you imagine a world in which no parent is ever talking down to, screaming to or even worse – spanking – a child, instead they are just showing them what to do and how to react emotionally sane, every single day of their life?

Oh it may sound so complicated. But it’s not, really.

You just have to be emotionally sane yourself and live your life in peace. And your children will gladly follow. 🙂

My mom was also complaining that she will not buy me anything because I was breaking apart each toy. I would say she should have felt happy that I was a very curious child, easily bored with playing with the same toys everyday, which shows great creativity, intelligence and not enough mental stimulation as per the actual capability.

Yes, sometimes the kids might come out smarter than you and able to figure out every trick or stunt that you are trying to pull. This doesn’t give you the right to bully them and shame them down, it should only give you the hint that they are now ready to receive more independence and more responsibilities. And yes, I believe you should talk to a baby as you would talk to an adult, if you want them to grow up to be an adult themselves and not helpless babies full of frustrations, depression or anxiety disorders.

Disclaimer: This post is not about my parent. It’s about me – the child. Take it as a guide called “What your child would want you to know”. Interesting, I just found the title for my 6th book.

Power dreaming

We are 6 weeks today. I’m starting to feel nausea and food aversions since Friday evening.. but I said maybe is due to eating too much for dinner.

But no, also on Saturday and yesterday, each time, about one and a half hour after eating I was feeling hungry again. But this is the trick.. It’s a messed up sensation, whenever I feel hungry I also feel like my stomach is turning upside down. I cannot eat that often, so I’m drinking water like crazy, 4-5 liters per day.

Yeah.. so morning sickness starts about 1 hour after breakfast and continues all day… until I go to bed. I don’t feel like throwing up, but sometimes I do get to have my mouth full of saliva. What? Too explicit? 😀 Keep reading then, it gets even better.

So last night I was contradicting myself with him, I was telling him I had a lucid dream, before meeting him (in the dream of course) and he said that what I experienced was “power dreaming”. I was saying “lucid dreaming, yes”. And he kept repeating “power dreaming”. Curious.. Let’s ask Google if there is a thing at all – this concept of “power dreaming”. Yeah.. and the dream, I was directing two gay men on how to have a sex scene. Cool, right?

And then, he took me outside and we were waiting for a bus or a metro. We were in an elevator and he asked me, just with his eyes, without any words, “will you ever let go of me?” And I proudly said “Never” and I childishly hugged and kissed him. He then said he wants to take me somewhere, to show me something. I only had my phone with me, in a pocket. And underneath that ankle-long coat I was wearing, I had a white long dominatrix t-shirt. Nevermind, it was an artefact from the lucid dream before.

And I told him I cannot go to a restaurant dressed like that and even to metro, I don’t have my access card with me. Yeah.. from what I remembered, in Bucharest it was not yet possible to buy metro tickets with the phone. So I was asking him for us to go back maybe, so I can change and take my wallet. And I think the dreamed disolved here…

And in another dream I was making hay with my grandma. And it was such a powerful sun burning my face. I think my Leo woke up again in the middle of the night and turned on his lamp to read.. I’m sleeping like crazy and he has insomnia.

Anyway, yeah, power dreaming. Apparently my mind is not that simple.

We feel good :)

I saw the sac. Only one 😀 Right where it should be, the size it should be, all good.

I saw also the yolk, I started to feel excited when she found it and I first saw it on the monitor. Still too early to see anything else, we are at 5 weeks and 2-3 days according to my calculations, respectively 5 weeks 6 days according to the official calculation, from LMP.

In two weeks I will go again to see everything else (hopefully Leo can join me also this time). And I think I stopped POAS for the time being, because the HCG is already too high to be able to see any difference in the intensity of the line.

I’m extremely tired, yesterday I almost fell asleep after lunch, then, around 16, because it was sunny and nice, I took Bonnie and we had a slow round of Olesna and then we had dinner. At 21:30 I was sleeping on myself.

I have no nausea yet, just a light dizziness and head in the clouds in the mornings, maybe I should start eating more consistent breakfasts, since now I’m always hungry when I wake up. And I have high appetite for fruits: watermelon, peaches, grapes. Can’t stand apples and bananas, though.

Also, sometimes I have waves of extremely short span of short-term memory. I think this is due to reducing caffeine intake. Also, yesterday evening and this morning I was feeling very anxious.. Weird thoughts run through my mind. I know them, I accept them, they are right, but that’s life. You cannot always get exactly what you want. You have to slowly build what you want, with what you have.

I had such a beautiful dream this morning – as for, getting what I want, in one reality or another -, I woke up at 6:30 and couldn’t fall asleep again. Now I’m in Fryda, enjoying some shopping, for my last day of vacation.

Yesterday I have received my order from, I found aluminium free antiperspirants and I ordered also some other washing gels for sensitive skin and times. I even discovered today Dove shower gel for sensitive skin, with 0% soaps and micellar water.

And yeah, stay tuned I’ll keep you posted.

PS. Just ordered my first taxi in Frydek Mistek, in czech. And it came!! Do you have any idea what this means? A new era of independence!!


… Since yesterday afternoon. I’m home alone since yesterday morning (I mean, with Bonnie only) and I’m starting to feel like entering a parallel reality…

I was asked if I told my parents the news (as small news as it is by now) and how they reacted. Funny… But I didn’t have the chance to talk to them yet. I only had a small chat with mom on Mon and Wed.. Anyway… The only person I talked with, so far, was my Career Counselor. She took it so excited and made me also feel happy and hopeful. I think this is now a normal person should react.

I think a normal parent would’ve insisted to call me, at finding this out, considering what I’ve been through. I’m trying to contact them since this morning and neither one is replying or calling back. Very bad feeling starts to grow inside me, from worry, to anxiety, now getting close to real hate. Cool, right? Yeah, thought so. Not cool. Blame the hormones.

Or maybe I’m such a bad person that simply nobody wants to talk to me. You know how I feel by now? Like wishing to everyone what they currently wish to the Romanian government, during the protests.

Whatever, I don’t need you.

I’m Brave enough.

It’s the hormones. Sorry.

Btw, now it got into my head the idea that I might be having twins. And I only have one name picked yet. Completely different from everything I shared so far, as favorite names. I had a dream in the night before seeing the first faint positive, that I was cleaning the house because I was supposed to bring home a baby, whose name I knew in that dream. It’s amazing.

The father just replied. Not mine… Theirs. :)) He wrote me just one single word “Patience”. Now I feel so much better. :))) Not because he replied, but because it’s so fun to watch his reaction each time I’m saying I might be having twins. Wouldn’t that be awesome? To recover also what I lost 2 years ago. This is my way of dissolving anxiety – by expressing even the craziest thing that stresses my mind. I don’t give a czech crown if it’s real or not. I’m a creative person.

And.. Mind you… At first, everything, was just a thought.


Last night I dreamed I was at the country-side and there was a lady who asked me if she can take few potatoes, for her work. I was a bit reluctant, knowing that the pantry was my mom’s jurisdiction and I didn’t know how she might react if people were snooping around there and taking stuff without her knowledge.

In the end I allowed her take a couple of them and she took them, put them in the juice maker and then she drank the juice right there on spot. Weird…

And then after other dreams, I came back there, because I found out they want to sell the property. And they wanted to sell it to a guy I met in real life, but I haven’t seen in more than a year and… Anyway, let’s say I’m a bit upset with him. So when I found out my parents want to sell to him I went crazy. No way! I’m also entitled to inherit this, someday, so I will not accept to sell it.

They said they want to buy it because it was discovered,  through some very advanced deep ground scanning, that there are some old ruins and very important artefacts and treasures below it. So they wanted to destroy everything, to excavate for them.

I didn’t believe anything. Then my dad took me in some darker room, took out a bucket of potatoes and broke one in half. In the middle was the most amazing silver necklace with red rubies. So many rubies that some even fell on the ground at lifting it up but it was divine. My mom took this one.

And then dad broke another potatoe and inside of that was a sweet princess hair-net type, with tiara, made out from delicate silver necklace, but this one had sapphires attached to it. I was looking really like a princess with that thing on, over my very long blonde hair (it was my dream, right? :D)

And then the time came to see the buyer. He came with his father. But when the guy showed up he was looking much younger than I knew him. And it felt weird, so I tried to explain to the dad that I have met his son again, but in the future.

Yeah.. Dreams. On the other hand, my sleeping pattern has shifted recently. I’m so tired in the evening that I fall asleep at 9:30 or 10. And then I wake up at 6:00 or 6:30 and I don’t know what to do with myself so early in the morning.

Yesterday evening I felt very restless and energised at around 8ish and I decided the best way to consume my energy was karaoke. Yeah. I sang for almost one hour until my tablet’s battery discharged and I was too lazy to go to the room and plug it. Oh yeah, I like singing in the corridor, on the stairs, because of the acoustics. 🙂

Regarding the being brave topic, I keep seeing || and I went for blood test yesterday, HCG was 293, which is consistent for 16 DPO. And there was nothing visible yet. I was put again on Utrogestan, it made me nausea only when I heard the name. So yeah… I have another appointment next week to check if by then it will be something visible. So I have to patiently wait until then.

I was having a plan to fly to RO this weekend, to go again to that office to renew my driver’s licence, which is now effectlively expired. But I cannot afford long travel at this point, will see how things look in the next weeks and praying this time I’m successfully graduating into the 2nd trimester. Now I’m dreaming of seeing a little heartbeat, hopefully in a couple of weeks or so.