Category Archives: Writings in English

Your child is not your appendix

Another blog post from the series “what your child would like you to know”.

I am aware that I’m just exploring something hypothetical and in real life this might not be happening… yet… for several reasons, most important of them being the low-level emotional and spiritual education of the average person.

And I am also aware that I might not be adapting the form of communicating my message to the capacity of the recipient… because such hypothetical recipient either doesn’t read my blog or doesn’t understand English. So I’m writing it mostly for myself, for the future, to make sure I will not forget it when I will have to attend to my own child. Because I have the feeling that, as long as I don’t have a child yet, nobody is taking my suggestions seriously.

Long story short… I feel the need to stress something that comes from deep down inside of me, because I’m seeing so often, on groups about parenting, cases of parents that want to control their child at any cost and expect they have the right to do so.

But your children have their own identity and their own destiny, that you don’t know, by default. Ok, they are materially dependent on you until certain age, they live in the same household with you and “have to obey your rules”, but you both need to be able to connect and understand yourselves as equal spirits, not as master and slave.

Just something I remembered right now. Sometimes, in my teenage years, when we were all eating together at the table, my dad would say something regarding me that was instantly making me lose appetite and leave the table. Apparently there was something about me that he could not stand… It took me way too many years to reflect on that and understand it, but I’m not getting into astrology right now. The thing is, he was right. I mean, whatever he was pointing out, it was true about me, but it was something that I was forgetting and I needed him to remind me. And the truth hurts sometimes.

Anyway… I deviated a bit. I want to express that usually dads (I mean, mentally sane dads, not those that drink and beat their wife to death because they came home from work and didn’t find warm food on the table) have this sense of individuality and intuitively treat their children also like a separate individual, always leaving room for them to grow and discover their own personality.

On the other hand, moms, just because the child lived inside of them for 9 months, they think they know them like the back of their palm. They just cannot separate emotionally from the fruit of their loins, it’s too painful. They are not able to accept the fact that they were just temporary vessels for their child to incarnate on this planet. They want something in exchange of the morning sickness and labor pains…

Yes, you gave birth to your child, it’s “your flesh and blood” (well, technically it is really not, because the fetus has its own circulatory system – sometimes even different blood type – and, obviously, a different DNA, otherwise it would be your clone) so you “obviously know what is best for them”. “A mother knows”. Well… not really.

A mother must also educate herself, do her best to read upon the latest standards on health and parenting, but most if all, a mother must understand that the best way to know your child is to ask them. Ask them what they really want. And accept the answer. The truth hurts sometimes.

You know, I always hated when I wanted to explore some topic with my mom and I was being dismissed in one second with “you are saying stupid things!”.

Am I? Am I really?! Just because my vision is different and you don’t agree with it, you don’t have the right to shut me down.

No, I don’t expect you to do everything that I say I want you to do, but I want to know that you care. I want to know that you accept my different-ness. I want to know that I have a positive role in your life, that I wasn’t born only to disturb you or to embarrass you in front of others. I want to know that you still have the ability and the willingness to keep learning and grow as a person.

Yes, dear hypothetical mom, I want you to understand that I am my own self. You are not my slave, but I am not yours either. You are not my “emotional wiping carpet”, but I am not yours either. But you need to tell me this (and remind me as often as needed) in a calm and peaceful way. You should not accept aggressive behaviour from my side, but I should not accept either.

And please, do accept and validate my emotions. My emotions (and my thoughts) are never stupid.


2 more weeks

.. until term. Ok, early term: 37+0 until 38+6. And if we survive also this and we get to 39 weeks, I would call it a miracle.

I’ve started to put on kg like crazy :(( I hate this metabolism. I’m now 17 kg more than when I started, 5 kg in the past 5 weeks. 😦 Yeah, apparently I’ve been eating a lot of sweets. And fats. So I will try to control this from now on. No more Nutella, no more Belgian waffles, no more jam.

No more grilled cheese.. no more cordon bleu… and also less butter and avocado. Less pasta.. Ok – let’s finish the jar of sour cherry jam first. I think the problem is that I’m staying too much in bed, but not much I can do for now…

So yeah.. We are now in Aries and few more days for Mercury to turn back direct. Nothing happened on Sunday.. Except that, on Saturday, I discovered the 2nd season of “The OA” on Netflix and I devoured it, by Sunday evening it was done. Now I miss Nina… and dr Roberts.

I think we finally agreed on the name of the baby. I mean, Leo agreed with the name that I was calling her, since the first positive test. 😀 I would like her to have 2 names, though, first and middle, but he doesn’t want this… and he has offered me no reasonable explanation. I mean, everybody has also middle name these days, we are too many on this planet, we have to differentiate somehow. I already found ~10 facebook profiles with this combination of first name and last name.. Yeah.. Will see.. what will (also) be compatible with the day she will be born.

Another topic that is stressing me, right now, is whether to baptise her Orthodox (like me) or Catholic (like him). The thing is that none of us are really practicing.  He is lacto-vegetarian and practicing Yoga. More, I don’t know, but since we are together, he’s never been to any Catholic sermon. Czech people are very seldom religious.

Me, I’m barely keeping the big holidays.. Last time I kept a fasting period, I remember of only 1 week, was before my trip to Mexico, in 2017, because I was flying across the Atlantic, for the first time, right on the Easter night, so I wanted to feel prepared somehow. My last Sunday in the Orthodox Church.. I remember it was in Prague, in 2013. And I honestly can’t even remember when I had my last confession. 😦

But I’ve had about 10 sessions of therapy last year, so I think I confessed more than enough. 😀 I’m very sorry to say this, but I never really liked orthodox churches (compared to catholic ones) – excessively crowded, too many candles, no air, no light and a way too long sermon, very hard to follow, while sitting head down on your knees. I was never able to understand this. And no matter what your confession was, you were never good enough.

And the way I was pushed by mom to keep fasting, in my childhood and teenage years, it left me a sour taste in my mouth. Almost every Easter and Christmas day, when we had to go to Church it was left with screaming. And I always remember being very cold. I never remember it as going for pleasure. You know what, I remember I was slapped even when my brother was baptised. 😐 That’s why I have that picture, at 6 years old, sitting so peacefully on the bench in the Church.

If you follow a certain religion it should be because you believe in it and it makes you feel good, not because someone is pushing you.. or because “what would other people say”. So yeah.. that’s why I’m sure I don’t want to force my child to follow the practice of any religion. Besides, I do have 2 Godchildren (mom and I, baptised them), but destiny made it that I haven’t seen them in more than 5 years.

Have to close it here, Bonnie is jumping on the entrance door, he wants back inside.

Next Sunday, 10 AM

I dreamed about something.. I was given this date, the place was “100 m from Metro on Liberty or Liberation Street”.. or something.

My crochet hook fell under the bed.. 😦 Now I have to bend down to get it.. Simple task, but not when you are in your 3rd Trimester. I hate gravity 😀 I’m crocheting 3 things in parallel, I get tired easily of using the same color and same pattern, so this way it feels it’s something new each time.

Anyway, I’ve been quite exhausted mentally and emotionally by yesterday evening.. And I don’t have any reason, right? I mean, I’m not doing anything all day except crocheting, watching Netflix, preparing food and eating… but I always have this feeling that someone is rushing me, I cannot just “relax”.

I dreamed all night.. First dream, that I remember, I was with some other woman and we were in someone’s apartment and that person was not at home.

I don’t know how we got there, but we were afraid we will be sent to jail once the person comes home. Then, one neighbour heard something and she came to check, she was knocking at the door. We silently locked the entry door from the inside, it stood like that for a while, but then the owner came also. And I had to invent an excuse of what we are doing there.. I said we are psychology students and we needed to make an experiment.. I don’t know if they believed us or not but we managed to get out in the end.

The other dream… Is more personal. It’s funny, I asked at the end “So when we will see each other again?” and I was not expecting any answer, I was very surprised when I received it. It was even Neděle, not Sunday or Duminica. I wanted to type it down in my phone, but, when I took it out, my phone was one of those old grey Nokia with numbers, where you had to press on a number several times to get the letter you needed. And then I said “wait, let me do this the old way”, so I took out from my bag a notebook and a pen and I started writing down.

I was feeling a bit sorry for setting wrong expectations, because I knew I will not be able to make it, because I was living in Czech Republic and I also had a daughter at home, but I don’t think the other person knew this, so…

Besides, I don’t know on which date to place the action of the dream, I knew it was Saturday, though, and it was not related to “tomorrow”, as in, “this Sunday”, but to “next Sunday”. Because, if we were in the present time.. -ish, I might say March 24th… So yeah. Let’s see what happens then. 🙂

I have to let Bonnie back in, it’s kinda coldish outside, 5°C, and he’s been for almost 1 hour now.

33 weeks

Not much to say this time..

I’m fine, keep piling kilograms… waiting 😀 and crocheting:20190312_084326~2

Learning new patterns every week.

Ok, I will say that it snowed last night a bit, it was 1 cm of white this morning, on the grass and on the roofs.

And that mom wrote me that she bought some cute pink short sleeves bodies and one dark red cardigan for baby. Ok, so I can officially say that we have enough clothes for now.

Later edit: Wait! While watching the newest episode of Young Sheldon I remembered what I dreamed last night: someone had left me a Bible in my post box… It had white cover and with dark red and gold letters on it.

I opened it, it wasn’t really the whole Bible, just some books from it.. but I can’t remember which ones, they were from the New Testament, though. And I’m also trying to remember who gave it to me.. I know it was something like a redemption for some good thing I did for that person. Actually, keep trying to remember I do have “Corinthians” coming to my mind. BRB.

The last March 8

That I will be spending alone. 😀 Next year we will be two women in the house.

I am getting more and more curious to know that little creature that lives inside me. And more and more curious to see when she will be born.

Yesterday I received also the diapers backpack from Amazon. It’s awesome! So many pockets and so much space. And I managed to iron more than half of her remaining onesies and swadles. It felt so cute. I wonder if I will have the time and mood to iron them like this after every wash and fold them in those tiny IKEA organising boxes.

Jupiter is now transiting conjunct my natal Jupiter and he will touch also my Sun and my Neptune in the following months. Last time this happened in 2007.. it was a great year, until about the end, when Pluto transit f***d it up and everything started to feel like I’m being sucked into a black hole..

But this year is just Jupiter alone! Pluto and Saturn are peacefully transiting the 3rd House. I say peacefully, because I don’t have any natal planets there and it will take a while until they will start to square all my planets from 1st and 2nd House.

Regarding Pluto, I think the fact that this planet manages to touch only 6 Houses during your whole lifetime it can give you a pretty good idea about your destiny. In my case, it will move only from the 12th House until the end of 5th House (counting a max lifespan of 100 years).

Which means my transformation in this life it’s oriented more inwards than outwards. I’m not here to improve the world, I’m here to improve myself. And for the next almost 20 years I should focus in the areas ruled by the 3rd House.

So yeah.. So many birds are chirping outside and it’s sunny and warmish, but very bad wind.. Finally finished crocheting that baby dress that I started more than 2 weeks ago:20190308_094205~2


32 weeks

I just received a new pack from Amazon: mirror for baby car seat, one very cute Columbia fleece overall, more yarn balls for crocheting and few packs of WaterWipes. And the 2nd part of the order should come on Thursday, a baby diapers backpack and some hair&body Mustela baby washing gel.

On Saturday I had a visit in DM and Pepco, as planned, bought a very cute Disney set (pants, body, hat and hooded jacket), some DM brand diapers and 1 pink newborn pacifier – just in case. Indeed, the DM diapers don’t smell at all, compared to the Pampers Premium Care ones and they are also a bit cheaper. Will see which ones the baby likes more.

And yesterday we went to another baby shop in Ostrava and we bought a little baby tub with head support for newborn. 330 crowns in total. Basic, but cute, with bunnies. 😀 It even has a color coded sticker that tells you if the water is too hot or too cold. They didn’t have the Adorra stroller so I can study it live.. But they had so many other stuff… ridiculously expensive.

For example, that diapers disposal bin that I saw in the vlog of the australian couple, it was costing 780 czk (~30 eur) and then you had to buy also the refill plastic bags extra.. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t consider myself poor, but I believe buying this thing is a very un-wise gesture.. What’s wrong with simple small garbage plastic bags?! It’s 30 czk a roll of 100 bags (2-3 litres), I’m sure they will not let any odors escape if you tie them properly.

And some automatic swing – 4000 czk.. Or play mat 2000 czk.. She can also sleep on the couch, between pillows, during the day, while Bonnie is watching her :D. And then, tummy time play on the washable changing mat, directly on the carpet. 😀 Besides, I saw a lot of vlogs of mommies feeling sorry that they bought them in advance and then the babies hated them.

And sleeping bags – probably dedicated for those babies sleeping outside in Siberia – extremely fluffy and with hard zippers.. 1500 czk one. I need one of 1 tog, Ikea had a very nice one, but currently not on stock anymore, in my area.

And then, one set of baby tub with legs and head support, was 2000 czk… because the tub had scale and digital thermometer incorporated. Honestly, I would be afraid to put the baby in water in a device that uses batteries.. but yeah.. consumerism.

Just few examples.. I mean, I do want the best for my kid, that’s why I prefer to save this money for music, dance and language lessons, than literally throw them in the garbage, after she starts kindergarten and outgrows them.

Among other things.. I’m fighting with some gastric reflux again, for the past 3 days. And still I would eat all the time.. I put 3 kg in the past 3 weeks 😀 14 in total, so far.. I need to do some meditation, I had some stressful weeks… Only that “paper operation” I think it grew me 10 more gray hairs.

I talked with the doctor yesterday at the regular check, she said if I were to deliver, like, now, as baby is 1.8 – 1.9 kg, there should be no issues for a natural birth.. But if I will manage until term, for a 3.5 – 4 kg baby, we can definitely discuss also the option of c-section. So I’m kinda praying for full term now.. I mean, I don’t know, whatever/whenever the baby wants. I will love her no matter what and even if.

For the time being I have prepared her corner in our room (until her room will be ready), a 3 drawers komoda with all her stuff, separated by those Ikea boxes, top drawer: newborn onesies, pajamas, newborn diapers and wipes, 2nd drawer: hooded towels, wash clothes, some burping and plain swaddle blankets and more diapers (I’m kinda starting to feel sorry that I bought that very expensive Miracle Blanket, currently in the maternity bag, but will see), 3rd drawer: bodies, footed pants and jamies on bigger sizes, outdoors clothes and more diapers and wipes.

And next to the window we will have a changing mat and another changing mat will be in the bathroom, next to her baby tub.. And probably will have another changing corner on the couch down-stairs. The co-sleeping bed is still unpacked, Leo doesn’t want to open and install it yet, says it’s too early. I think he is right, but I’m too curious.

So this week I plan to slowly wash and iron also the other clothes (up to 6 and 9 months – not that many left, max 15 items, in total), the rest of the blankets, wash clothes and the baby wrap sling, just to have them all ready, in the same place.

So yeah.. We survived 8 more weeks since the steroid shots. They said if labor starts until 35 weeks they might consider another dose, then, later than 35 weeks will not be needed anymore.

Anxiety attack(s)

I’m working at a new crocheted baby dress for the past two weeks. I did half of it and then undid it, then did it again differently, then undid the 2nd part and now the yarn ended in the middle of the row and it freaks me out because I hate it like this and I want to undo it again until it turns out perfect.

Last evening Leo went to sauna, as he does (almost) every Friday. And I remained home with a wounded Bonnie.. he sprained his paw again. They went to vet now.

Anyway, as I was browsing YouTube videos I saw a very young couple of vloggers preparing to buy stuff for baby arrival. She was 17, around 8th month pregnant, he was 18. And they went and they bought everything that I would buy for my baby, except I’m not yet sure she will really use them: play mat, swing, carousel for over the bed, fancy diapers disposal bin, bottles steriliser, stroller, fancy car seat, pacifiers, toys etc.

And they were saying they have no support from their parents, yet they afforded all of those and they live with rent. And then I saw another video of her emergency c-section (water broke and baby was breech), she was with a smile until her ears for the whole procedure. And then another video of them having the first bath with the newborn baby girl: decent bathroom (to not say, fancy), very nice baby tub with special support for newborns. They were smiling all the time and the baby didn’t show any sign of discomfort, as most babies do at their first bath(s). They really knew what they were doing, it was such a pleasure to watch.

And then it hit me: some anxiety feelings that I didn’t experience in a very very long time. I still have so many things to buy for the baby. There are still so many things that need to be fixed in the house before the baby comes. I can’t drive.. even if I wanted to, my driver’s licence is expired (I flew to RO last summer specially for this, but because very stupid beauracry I couldn’t renew it… That’s why I don’t live in Romania anymore.)

Besides, I’m technically still on bed rest. I would like to clean my dresser(s) and sort out the old clothes and throw them, in order to release the small one, to use it for babies clothes. I think I will slowly do this, over this weekend.

But you know what? My anxiety has really nothing to do with the baby. It has to do with the fact that I started my Maternity Leave. The idea of being “jobless” for the next 2 years apparently has a much more serious effect on me…

I was working for 8 years in this company. I had several transitions, but I held myself with my teeth on that job (a Romanian proverb). And now that I finished handing over all my work, I kinda feel useless. I know how hard it was for me in those two half-of-year times when I didn’t have a job, I always had the feeling that there is something wrong with me, that’s why I cannot find one. But, I mean, now, technically I’m still employed, is just that nobody needs me anymore. I wonder if all future moms felt like this at some point also. I’m anxiously expecting now my first pay of maternity allowance, that should happen around mid April. I wonder if the baby will be born by then. 😀

On Thursday, before signing off, I sent my “goodbye” email to all the people with whom I collaborated the most lately. I wrote that I started on Valentine’s Day in 2012 […] and it took me 8 years […] and now I’m starting my Maternity Leave. I checked it a million times before sending it to make sure I’m not doing any spelling mistake due to emotions. And, after I sent it, I discovered it.

2012+8=2020. So something doesn’t add up. Wait, do I really have 8 years? Maybe I have 7. But last time I checked there were 8.. I remember even LinkedIn said it, they sent me some celebrating notification. So where is the mistake?! F**k, I started in 2011. 😀 In 2012 I moved to Czech Republic. I felt completely incompetent. Even my cervix is doing a better job than me right now. I am sure probably nobody noticed, I mean, nobody cared to do the math. But it unsettled me. I am totally convinced I make much more mistakes (in English) due to lack of knowledge, but when I make one and then I realize I was wrong it’s so hard to forgive myself. Maybe I should work on this.. learning how to forgive myself more.

I’m not perfect. And I will never be. But I want to do so many things. And when I can’t do them, due to certain reasons, I feel like I’m falling apart. And I’m already taking maximum dose of Magnesium, to prevent pre-term contractions.. What else can I do to calm down and get out of this anxiety?

Yeah.. I’m not even starting with the worries regarding the birth. When it will happen and how it will be, I have no idea. I read articles online, with epidural, without epidural etc. I even found one vlog where some lady brags that she delivered naturally without epidural. That when you use epidural (or induction) is not called natural anymore…apparently it’s called “vaginal delivery”…

I mean, in my case, I don’t even know if I can deliver naturally, due to my previous pelvic fracture, if the baby will come at term (3.5 – 4 kg).. So now, with each week that is passing and she is still part of me, my anxiety grows even more, that I’m even considering to discuss a planned c-section. Sure, a lot of women will jump over me saying that c-section is not good for the baby, but they ignore the fact that the baby needs a healthy mom, physically and mentally. I know I have low tolerance to pain, my pulse raises too high and then I faint. It will be no help to anyone if I faint during labor or even worse, if my bone(s) break again due to the effort.

See? Life is not easy. I have some strawberries downstairs, I’m going to wash them and sprinkle some coffee creamer powder over them (I forgot to buy also liquid cream). And then Leo will come back and we go to DM and Pepco to do some small baby shopping.

Btw, dear baby Zubat, be strong until the end of March, don’t come while Mercury is Retrograde. I don’t know how to deal with a Mercury Retrograde native. 🙂 Cool – I just found something to study and keep my mind busy, after I come back with 3 more bags of diapers.

Thank you for your reading patience, don’t worry, I’m fine now. Leo helped me calm down last night when he came back from sauna.

Later edit: I discovered online that it’s a higher probability for the husband / male partner to faint during labor and delivery than for the woman, thanks to the excess of hormons that take over during labor. And since my Leo is trained with sauna and then he can jump in freezing water, I’m sure he will be fine. 😀

31 weeks

So, we solved “The Paper”!!! Yeey! It costed us 1600 crowns for 1 sworn translation of my birth certificate, one hour of interpretation services and the parking at Ostrava Matrika.

Miminko is ok, kicking all over the place, I even felt kicks behind my right boob… I wonder how she got there. I’m having some lower back pains lately, I hope they are not contractions and I’m not aware.. Yeah, and I’m feeling kicks also in my… back area.

Tomorrow is my last day before 2 days vacation, before 28 weeks of Maternity Leave. I’m excited about the change. I mean, like everybody tells me “it was about time”.. I’m 35 already.

Yesterday evening I was checking flights to Bali. 2 weeks when baby girl will be 6-7 months old. Too optimist? 😀

Regarding shopping for baby girl, we still need stroller, small bath tub, diapers bag and countless diapers. I have them in basket on and in DM online. Waiting few more weeks before ordering them, though.

30 weeks!!

Yeah… I’m starting to feel the 3rd trimester: it has become quite a challenging task to shave my legs and to attend to my toe nails 😀

So, the glucose test was negative, which means I can eat as much chocolate cookies as I desire; the baby girl is still head down and still kicking me in my right ribs.. She is almost 1500 grams now. Yeey! At least 1500 more to come 😀

Did I dream about this day? Not really. I mean, I was hoping, but, since I was first admitted into hospital at barely 24 weeks, with diagnostic of imminent labor, and I was told that the baby will be put on my name, because I’m missing a paper in my file, I kinda had a shock.. I mean, from that moment on, I was taking each day as it passed… no dreams, no expectations.. Barely now I’m starting to feel naturally excited about the fact that I’m going to have a baby.

And “the paper”, I mean, I was planning to inquire about it and solve it once I started my maternity leave, travel to Prague in peace etc. Yeah. Dreams done before the 24th week. But will see, what God wants. I do what I can, considering. The most important is for the baby to be born healthy.

Lesson learned: when you relocate to a foreign country, even if still in the EU, add another thing on top of the required to-do list: get a sworn translation, in the local language, of your birth certificate. You never know in which circumstances you will need it. Especially when none of these 2 languages are common. Especially when you relocate again, to a smaller city, 5h away from the capital…

And, can you believe it? I have 6 more working days left until a 2 years “vacation” 😀 This year I even forgot to celebrate my 8 years work anniversary, at the current employer, on Feb 14th. But I can celebrate it now, because we had 1&1/2 h unplanned electricity outage today, so I need to “clean” the congelator of some pizza and some ice-cream. 😀

And a cute butterfly sweater, that I just finished, I’m thinking is suitable for up to 1 year old: 20190219_172029~2

29 weeks and still counting

So.. mom flew back to Romania, to her other 2 children: dad and brother.

I haven’t felt at my optimum capacity today.. I started having some weird cramps after lunch, I took the rest of the day off, because I couldn’t support the laptop anymore, over my lap. To not say, over my belly. And when the cramps stopped, a headache started and now I’m sneezing… hoping the shower tonight will fix this.

I still don’t have the result from my glucose tolerance test.. My obgyn, on Friday, said it didn’t arrive to her, so God knows where that result is, they said they will call for it and she will tell me at my next appointment. I honestly find this stupid, they should’ve sent it to my email from the 2nd day, when it was ready..

Baby girl looked fine, she was with head down then. Now I think she switched, as I feel kicks under my right ribbs, instead of over my belly button. I was expecting her to be a bit bigger than she measured on Friday, but maybe there is a margin of error also.. will see next time, maybe she will catch up.

In the meanwhile I started eating a bit more, even if I don’t really feel hungry, I added a snack before bed – a cup of milk or yogurt with a croissant.. I mean, since Dec 28th I only put on 200 grams, I think both the Magnesium and the Progesterone have accelerated my metabolism. And the bed rest has melted my muscles..

So.. Here’s something cute that I just finished: 20190212_184329-1

I hope it is suitable for 6-9 months, I measured with the other clothes I have. 😀

Btw, all the clothes “up to 3 months” are now washed and ironed and packed by mom. Thank you, mom.