Keep breathing, keep, keep breathing…

What? The song was with “bleeding” not “breathing”? And? This is my blog post, I write it is I want to. 🙂 If I want to breathe it, then I breathe it.

Last week I composed a blog post, it was so inspiring, about cycles and about the number 7. Ok, it was more about the meaning of the number 5, but it doesn’t matter anymore, because, when I pressed Publish, it disappeared!

I searched for it, for a half of hour, through Drafts, Trash, Published, Pages.. but nothing, it vanished. But that’s ok, as nothing gets lost, it’s just transforming. The blog post was just the beginning, I only unlocked the energy through writing it and the real avalanche just started – March, the first month of the original calendar! Keep close. 🙂

Just finished another 10 km session. I’m ashamed to say “running session”, considering it took me over 78 min to make them, but it is a progress, nevertheless, for me.

I also finished watching Dark. Marathon mode.. I started it right after finishing Drop Dead Diva, I was inspired. 🙂 Some might say I have nothing better to do with my life. Perhaps. At least for the time being…

Regarding Dark.. The theory behind it was interesting… for a newbie in the topic! When they got to the meaning of the number and they were passing takes between each other as if explaining it to babies, they kinda pissed me of, as the topic could’ve been developed much more… but maybe that was not the point.

Aside from an intensive exposure to spoken German, I cannot say I took much from it. But it did change my future, indirectly!

I mean, somehow, in the middle of the last episode, I remembered something I wrote 4 years ago, about something that happened in less than a month from now. 🙂

I had forgotten about it, so now I’m adding some extra energy into it, surprisingly, the pieces fell into place, like magic. Actions that I took before, without knowing why, now made sense. “[…] Where there is love / I’ll be there.” 🙂

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Addicted to ActiveWear

When I bought my Treadmill I discovered I was already owning 4 ActiveWear T-shirts, 2 zipper-hoodies, 3 pairs of pants leggings – 1 long and the others 3/4 – and 2 support-bras – one for under and one for outside.

None of these items ever saw the inside of a gym, yet most of them did have few sessions of brisk walk around Olesna.

However, the black hoodie and some of the T-shirts saw Mexico, hiked until Praded in Czech Republic, saw Balea Lake and the Sea Side in Romania and the pink-gray one saw a lot of Israel.

Now I own 1 more pair of grey long leggings, 1 long-sleeves black active blouse, 1 dark pink active sweater, 1 pink support-bra for outside, 3 pairs of active socks and 2 hair bands.

I bought most of them from Tchibo (I absolutely love the clothes from Tchibo, as they are designed for real people) and from Tesco, as I found the ones from sports shops way too expensive and never on my taste..

It’s like each week I need to buy something new, to still keep me motivated enough to exercise, although during February I had less sessions per week, than in January, as I felt I needed some time to let the body get used with the idea (aka mostly emotional recovery).

I’m calling them “incentives”. This afternoon I’m going to use the new blouse and the grey pants and go for 10 km. Update: done, picture below, I even made it in 6:30 min less than last time I dared to take 10 km. And a picture with the ugly sporty me :D, before the session, just as checkpoint, as now I have 5 kg less than when I bought the treadmill.

And I’m hopeful I will still find motivation to continue, as I am expecting that after 5 kg more, when I hope I will be able to make 5 km in 30 min, it will become a fun activity. And if my pulse will stay under 160 while doing this, it should be awesome.

And hopefully, by then, my ActiveWear collection will not get to have costed me as much as the Treadmill itself.

Yeah, about my new passion, for the Nutrend protein supplements, I’ll write in a different episode. 😀

 

March 11th update: So today we arrived to Karolina again and I was happy that I don’t have too much money left on my “petty card” account, I had realized I do have too many clothes – the majority of the ones bought in the past 3 years used only once, because home-office – so I was promissing myself I will not buy more.

I bravely went through most of the shops while Leo was trying new stuff, without trying on anything. And then I got to Nutrend – refilled my stash of Diet Protein Shakes (which I know are too expensive, 50 czk/serving, but I cannot help it, I love the Ice Coffee ones).

And then I ended up in front of Tchibo. And then I left Tchibo with one more active wear light blue t-shirt and another pair of 3/4 active wear leggings and I even compelled Leo to pay for them. Which means I’m getting into a higher stage of addiction. 😀 I just showed him that funny video. Active Wear. Active Wear.

Most probably, definitely, next life :)

I’m watching on Youtube some music collages with Vampire Diaries characters, which got me too emotional. “Holding on, and letting go.”

Ok, I got here from the episode when Grayson prepared a romantic dinner and declared himself to Jane and she… just invited him… out of the house. I mean, I understand her reasons, but still… I couldn’t help feeling for him.

I was thinking about something, I had an intuition about the deepest need of Venus in Scorpio and I was trying to see through the eyes of all the people I know with this trait, judging if it can be applied to all of them.

“Never let me go” by Florence and the Machine, I loved the song when I discovered it and I tried to sing it to karaoke, I remember, in Scarabeo, when I was with my acting colleagues after a play… funny is that I can’t remember which play was, if it was ours or someone else’s… It was just few weeks before I left, I sang it there, they even let me try it two times in a row.

I don’t know how to read music.

I mean, I can identify the notes, one by one, as if they were letters, but I cannot put the word together, so I can only sing by how I hear it. I’m painfully aware that I don’t have, at least above average, a good voice, but I love to sing, I can’t help it. Is like, singing is the only way you kinda still feel sane, while actually talking to yourself.

I would give a lot to be able to sing properly, with passion, but this body is not helping me. And so far, this reality didn’t either.

With the years I learned, through a lot of practicing on my own, that I can sing series of notes that are not that easy to hit, from the superficial memory, and I am proud of myself each time I am nailing them.

But I’m usually lacking in focus and stamina to decompose a song, to identify each note and sing it properly head to tail. I’m sorry about this. And when I do have mood and energy to concentrate for more than 2 hours in a session, I lose my voice… It’s not easy.

A couple of days ago I had a flashback, out of a sudden, that I sang “I will come to you” by Hanson, in that night of February, in Mojo, 6 years ago.

6 years ago… !! I don’t know how I sang it then, I did have some alcohol on board, but I tried again to sing it, the way I remembered it, and I noticed I was so much off-key. And singing in public, especially with people I don’t know very well, is too painful. I’m that nervous, that every cell of my body hurts.

Today, in the taxi, while I was heading to the German class, I remembered how I was told to stop making people feel sorry for myself. Almost a decade ago.

Barely now I understood, I mean, what if feels like to feel sorry for someone, in that way. It requires you to be in a very good place in your life, to be able to identify that there is a significant difference in attitude and realistic life possibilities, between you and the person you would feel sorry for. And it’s also a mixture between “hope in the good of the universe” and selfishness.

But I think the responsibility stays more with the person who feels the sorry, than with the one for whom sorries are being felt.

I never intended to make anyone feel sorry for me. Because I didn’t know what that feels like, because I didn’t know what selfish feels like.

I am just depicting my life story, as I am seeing it, always believing that I’m as interesting as any other being on this planet.. Sometimes it makes you laugh, sometimes it makes you cry.

And I feel proud of it, even when there is nothing to feel proud about, because it is my life. My story. (Yes, I came to realize that I can get very self-centered at times and I don’t even feel sorry for this.)

Nobody can express exuberance 100% of the time, to inspire others in an instant, one by one, like in a factory line. And one that would do this, would be automatically regarded as fake or extremely superficial.

And peacefulness, it cannot be written, it can only be read. The peace, that is received from the text, is always in the reader, not in the writer. The writer is just a mirror.

Now back to singing. I mean listening. And imagining me singing it. “It’s everything you wanted / It’s everything you don’t / It’s one door swinging open / And one door swinging closed.”

This is one of those intensely emotional blog posts that I would end with “I love you”. But not anymore, at least not this time. Because you don’t need my love anymore. But I need yours. Just so I can reject it. With all my heart!

My phone battery is running low (11%) and I’m too lazy to plug it in. And if I think about it, I need to use the lady’s room also. Badly. I had too much water after that quesadilla. And a huge cup of green tea.

00:00 Cool! Now you have my permission to feel sorry for myself yourself.

February’18 highlights

Last night I dreamed I was going to buy 4 tickets to cinema and paying for them with 4 wrapped pills of effervescent aspirin.

Yesterday it came to me a very strong wave of desire to investigate about doing F7 this year, in June session, on 5th, since my heart didn’t leave me not to pay also for 2018 Subscription. I’ve been procrastinating with the study for this exam since I found out the result from F5, in beginning of last year.. That F5 was a traumatic experience

Then, I decided to focus on promotion and I had many new stuff to learn for work.

Then the astrology school, the modules have finished few weeks ago, but I still didn’t catch up with reading everything, too much material.

Two weekends ago I started watching “Drop Dead Diva”. I’m at season 4. And it started to become boring. Yeah, “Once Upon a Time” I abandoned around the middle of season 2.

So now that my waters have cleared a bit, apparently, I felt there is some room for more, although the priority for my free time is still losing weight. I need to find room to go back regularly on the treadmill, after I took a pause for 1 week, which had a negative impact on my stamina, as I was barely able to do 4.5 km in 35 min this Friday and I almost fainted during the shower after. 😦

And I have also German classes, each Thursday after work. I need to take this more seriously, because, from what I’ve noticed, I’m making many mistakes while speaking, so I need to think more before opening my mouth, now that I had the chance, so far, to remember grand part of the vocabulary.

And now it got into my head the idea to see Tunisia. I wonder if those people speak English.. or I will end up initiating myself in Arabic also, at least as much as I invested in Hebrew last year, before Israel trip. But for now, I mean, for the Summer of 2018, I have already planned a road trip through Austrian mountains, Munich and Zürich. And Bern and Geneva. Too much? 😀

Yeah.. well.. now excuse me I’m left at page 2 from the new Study Curriculum for F7. 😀 Just after one more episode of Jane. Or Deb. And Stacy. I miss Fred already. 😦

And then I told Leo I would make a tomato with zucchini and rice soup for lunch, to compensate for the salmon pizza from yesterday’s lunch that I ate also for dinner and for today’s breakfast. It was too big!

One month of treadmill

Today I re-watched Mr Nobody. Actually, today I finished it, I had started it on Monday evening.

And then I found the blog post I wrote after I saw it the first time, at the very beginning of 2011.

And I read it, it made me feel so blissful!!! I realized that I succeeded, as I did find the perpendicular path over my time-line, which led me closer to understanding the 5th dimension, so I deleted it!!! 🙂

It felt like experiencing spreading my own ashes, with the wind, from the top of the highest mountain I could ever reach. Cool, right?

It’s good to re-watch that movie… from decade to decade, until 2092, as we will always understand something more. And the more we understand, the less we have left to talk about.

So, here’s the graph with my time progress, for a 5 km session run/brisk walk/walk, for 1 month, with my own treadmill:

Screenshot_2018-01-31-20-35-31-1

I made this graph on the phone. And then fine-tuned it on the tablet. I mentioned I gave up having a personal computer, right? It took me 2h.

It’s ok, I have so much time now! Yesterday I caught a moment of such intense “inner silence”! I was even able to concentrate at reading.. literature reading.. so I got to page 21 from “Drums of Autumn”. 😀 It was epic.

More colours

Ok, the title actually supposed to have been “Multiple sets of rainbow twins and a Mimosa Pudica… Vampirica”, but it was too long. 😀

The mimosa was a plant, you know it, just that this one was in a bright turquoise color and was reacting also to sounds not only to wind blow and touch. It was magical.

This is what I dreamed last night – it was quite fun. There were so many other things, but I dreamed this in the early part of the night so I don’t remember everything, just some bits that I expressly tried to remember.

I think the painting by numbers has affected me a bit too much. And maybe also the cottage cheese I had before bed.

Yeah, so that’s about it for now. Wish you an excellent week!

Diligence

I love this word. Which means it stays in the opposite side in my emotional spectrum compared with “discipline”. It sounds funny. Dili-dili.. right?

Last night I had nightmares. It didn’t make much of a story topic, it was more emotional turmoil.. I dreamed that people were rejecting me and it was feeling so bad…. I woke up and I got closer to Leo and we stayed cuddled for a while trying to fall back asleep but it felt like the dream world does not want me back.

After about half hour of fidgeting, it seemed that I was about to fall asleep, when I noticed some painful cramps in the right upper side of my abdomen, that were increasing. Intuitively I knew that only by eating something I would be able to make that stop. So I went down stairs, put a blanket over me and decided to eat what should have been my breakfast: one hard-boiled egg, one slice of bread with a touch of butter and some gouda, all in a sandwich form.

I then had a big warm cup of water and climbed back to sleep. It was 5 AM. I did fall very fast, don’t remember dreaming anymore, but while I was procrastinating, after I stopped the alarm, at a little over 8 AM, I was woken up by the same pain. So I had 2 breakfasts today. And a big chamomile tea.. I don’t know if it helped or not, but that was the only medicinal tea I was having that seemed more-less appropriate.

While I was lighting up the fire, I had an intuition of what could have caused my pain… in emotional resonance mode. It seemed very far-fetched, at the border of crazy, but not impossible. And later in the afternoon I discovered some new data, which now makes me realise that it actually supports that idea. There are some things in this universe that we cannot explain, in such depth of field that they could easily pass unnoticed, yet this is not stopping them from happening. I would even say that synchronicity is not for everyone.. it needs a trained eye to be spotted. And each time is like calibrating your senses even more, with a deeper reality.

Anyway.. stomach, liver, gallbladder, pancreas.. something is not very happy, probably due to the extra melting fat that they have to process, due to my weight loss program. Maybe I should eat more, but I’m afraid. 1200 calories in 4 meals per day is my comfort level. If I’ll eat more, I would have to eat more carbs, which means I would get more sugar in the blood, then more insulin, which would trigger more hunger and we would end up in the same place.

So I’m trying to drink tones of water instead and I stopped adding pepper to the food… Just when I started to be happy that I seem to have overcome the sore throat, which bugged me for about two weeks, coming and going, moving from one tonsil to the other.

Yesterday evening I was at my 2nd class of German. Turns out I’m in private individual classes, as there is no one else interested with the same level as me. We did some exercises from the B2 Test and I even picked myself a homework, I will work on it during the weekend. I walked home from there, it was around 4 km, under zero degrees, but pleasant, as it was no wind and low humidity, I saved the 100 crowns from taxi.

My painting by numbers is also progressing, although I think the sectors are too big, so only from a plane it would look what it supposed to be. But let’s see, if I will not end up without paint by the end of it, I could fine-tune here and there adding some extra smaller elements of detail.

5 years from now

I found a blog post that I wrote more than 6 years ago, in which I was asking (myself) where I would be after 5 years from that date. At that time I didn’t have any glimpse that in one year time I would have to leave my native country for.. many other years to come.

I think this human life is too short to get to know yourself properly. To acknowledge what you are capable of doing and achieving. We barely get out of diapers and then live through the 20 years of education system more like in a surviving mode. I mean, until you reach 23-24 years old you have no actual freedom of doing what you want with your life.

And then you get your first job, most probably in the field in which you majored. And after a couple of years you realize that maybe there is some other field that you would like to explore. So you go for it, because you don’t have much to lose, you are still entry-level anyway.

And life throws you through different fields, in the meanwhile you discover astrology and your own chart and study it in comparison with the ones of the people around you. And you learn that not everyone can be successful doing anything and some people have higher chances to succeed in a certain field, than others.

And you finally find your field and start growing in it and then you discover that you have colleagues with the same skills, which are almost a decade younger than you.

And now looking forward, you do see something amazing 5-10 years from now, but you can only see it from your perspective. One cannot form a functional team or a community just by oneself.

There is something that I dreamed about this week, pretty exhilarating. Why can’t change come in our lives always in a smooth, predictable way and comes like a lightning bolt of energy, that ripples through the space-time continuum messing up everything you thought you planned for yourself? I’m grateful though, that these contacts happen in my dreams first, so that reality will not take me too much by surprise… when it will actually happen.

But, unfortunately, once you dreamed about something, you somehow experienced it and an emotional print was left in you… and then you automatically set expectations. And reality seldom meets the expectations.

Ok, what I’m trying to explain is that asking someone and expecting an honest answer to the question “how do you see yourself in 5 years” makes no sense. I think a better question would be: “what are your development priorities now and how you have started (or planning to start) working towards achieving them?”. At least this question makes you think about your life, ahead, in a more effective way, with you being the main character in it.

Caramele cu lapte si miere

Asta am visat azi-noapte. Nu dau mai multe detalii, despre cine mi le-a adus si cum am intrat in posesia lor, ca nu-mi place sa ma repet (prea des). Cert este ca aveam o masa plina de pungi si cutii cu bomboane, de care nici nu m-am atins, ca nu ma tentau (prea tare), am alte obiective acum.

Deci, cum spuneam, ma aflu in sezonul al 3-lea al serialului “Marea Slabire”. Stiu ca nu ai auzit de el, ca eu l-am inventat. Sezonul 1 a inceput in Mai 2010, iar sezonul 2 in Feb 2015. Acum am inceput deja din Ianuarie, ca sa fiu sigura.

Sambata se va difuza episodul al treilea, abia astept sa ma sui pe cantar. (Ma sui in fiecare zi oricum, am si un tabel, dar ziceam asa ca sa dau o nota dramatica). Sunt optimista, un episod pe saptamana, mai am 10 episoade pana ajung la capacitatea de a putea demonstra ca pot lua forma circulara.

Ca ariciul ala obez din Parcul Safari din Tel-Aviv, care a fost luat in boot-camp-ul de slabire, pentru ca nu se mai putea lega singur la sireturi.

Glumesc, desigur. Referitor la forma mea circulara, nu la sireturile ariciului.

Mi se derula toata ziua in cap cum voi scrie acest post de blog despre caramele, abia acum mi-am gasit timp, in timp ce mi se pregateste cina. Cum? Pai ce altceva? In serialul “Marea Slabire” la cina avem doar doi actori principali: Piept de pui si Mix royal de legume. Mai apare cate un guest star – 1 lingurita de ketchup sau de sos de soia.. Sau sos tartar, dar asta abia de pe la jumatatea sezonului incolo, ii place sa-si faca intrarea.

Maine seara cica ma duc la cursul de germana. Aplicatia meteo arata ninsoare si viscol. Mda… Am ramas si fara piept de pui. As putea declansa o situatie de criza. Dar va trebui sa mi-o rezolv tot singura.

Am rezistat si azi 5 km pe banda, am luat-o mai lent.. dar trebuie sa fac o pauza pana duminica, am inceput sa ma simt foarte obosita, abia am tras de mine azi-dimineata sa ma scol din pat, desi dormisem 8 ore jumate.. Noroc ca lucrez de acasa. M-a consumat un pic si focul de la centrala ca nu prea voia sa se aprinda.

Alaltaieri mi-am varsat pe perete, cafeaua proaspat facuta, noroc ca era in spatele calorifelului si n-a cazut cana jos, sa mai stau sa matur si dupa cioburi. Am sters doar pe jos, sub calorifer si mi-am facut alta. Si ramasesem si fara lapte, a trebuit sa pun coffetta si sa calculez si caloriile asteia. Dar ce probleme am si eu. 😀

Ok. Food is ready. Bye!

The promise of Peace

I just re-watched the last 2 episodes of The Vampire Diaries. Some things made a little more sense now, even aligning with what I was believing inside.

Yesterday I said some things to someone and then I was so surprised when I realized that tears are starting to make room on my face. I remembered that YouTube documentary about that little girl who never ate. When she was induced into crying by her therapist, in order to let go all the trauma she had lived in her first years of life and heal herself. And be able to eat normally, for the first time in her life.

But I didn’t want to cry, not there and not in that moment, I tried to bookmark the thing that triggered my deep emotions, to revisit it when I will be alone at home, but now I cannot remember what it was.

You know, on one way I felt angry, like, “What are you trying to do to me, here? It took me over 30 years to learn how to be tough, now you are telling me that I am allowed to cry?” “That crying is also a language in itself, that expresses things and that others should respect?” “I mean, barely now?” “I was longing for this moment for so long that I learned how to soothe myself alone, it’s ok, that moment will never come, maybe not everyone is meant to.”

I felt, maybe for the first time ever, unconditionally loved. It was scary. I felt how I was given a voice. I was there before, I remember it, around 10 years ago, when I was encouraged to dig that way, but it didn’t end well. The Voice of my own soul, nobody has ever the time/mood/patience/energy to listen to it completely.

Probably some things are to be let buried, in Peace, for centuries. Even superficial Peace, that may appear to be. And cover them with millions of tones of sand and build a new self over them.

I remember the last time I poured my soul out, sobbing for about one hour, last year, in the day I was notified my promotion is officially approved, just a couple of hours before that actually, due to a series of badly synchronized events. I started crying when I felt like my whole world and everything I knew real in it is falling apart. It felt like dying, it felt completely surreal, but, on some level, it felt good. Not the crying, but the possibility of a completely turned upside down world. Because it meant that, now, even other impossible things might happen.

It’s been 4 months and 5 days now… from a different event. Not that I’m counting, I’m just surprised. Who knows, maybe I found my Peace.

I love you. And I am very aware now of why I’m writting it. Everybody needs love, honestly, it doesn’t really matter from where it’s comming as long as you are open to receive it.

It’s ok, even if this world will fall appart, there is still water and sand enough in it to build a new one. 🙂