We feel good :)

I saw the sac. Only one 😀 Right where it should be, the size it should be, all good.

I saw also the yolk, I started to feel excited when she found it and I first saw it on the monitor. Still too early to see anything else, we are at 5 weeks and 2-3 days according to my calculations, respectively 5 weeks 6 days according to the official calculation, from LMP.

In two weeks I will go again to see everything else (hopefully Leo can join me also this time). And I think I stopped POAS for the time being, because the HCG is already too high to be able to see any difference in the intensity of the line.

I’m extremely tired, yesterday I almost fell asleep after lunch, then, around 16, because it was sunny and nice, I took Bonnie and we had a slow round of Olesna and then we had dinner. At 21:30 I was sleeping on myself.

I have no nausea yet, just a light dizziness and head in the clouds in the mornings, maybe I should start eating more consistent breakfasts, since now I’m always hungry when I wake up. And I have high appetite for fruits: watermelon, peaches, grapes. Can’t stand apples and bananas, though.

Also, sometimes I have waves of extremely short span of short-term memory. I think this is due to reducing caffeine intake. Also, yesterday evening and this morning I was feeling very anxious.. Weird thoughts run through my mind. I know them, I accept them, they are right, but that’s life. You cannot always get exactly what you want. You have to slowly build what you want, with what you have.

I had such a beautiful dream this morning – as for, getting what I want, in one reality or another -, I woke up at 6:30 and couldn’t fall asleep again. Now I’m in Fryda, enjoying some shopping, for my last day of vacation.

Yesterday I have received my order from Lekarna.cz, I found aluminium free antiperspirants and I ordered also some other washing gels for sensitive skin and times. I even discovered today Dove shower gel for sensitive skin, with 0% soaps and micellar water.

And yeah, stay tuned I’ll keep you posted.

PS. Just ordered my first taxi in Frydek Mistek, in czech. And it came!! Do you have any idea what this means? A new era of independence!!

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Raining

… Since yesterday afternoon. I’m home alone since yesterday morning (I mean, with Bonnie only) and I’m starting to feel like entering a parallel reality…

I was asked if I told my parents the news (as small news as it is by now) and how they reacted. Funny… But I didn’t have the chance to talk to them yet. I only had a small chat with mom on Mon and Wed.. Anyway… The only person I talked with, so far, was my Career Counselor. She took it so excited and made me also feel happy and hopeful. I think this is now a normal person should react.

I think a normal parent would’ve insisted to call me, at finding this out, considering what I’ve been through. I’m trying to contact them since this morning and neither one is replying or calling back. Very bad feeling starts to grow inside me, from worry, to anxiety, now getting close to real hate. Cool, right? Yeah, thought so. Not cool. Blame the hormones.

Or maybe I’m such a bad person that simply nobody wants to talk to me. You know how I feel by now? Like wishing to everyone what they currently wish to the Romanian government, during the protests.

Whatever, I don’t need you.

I’m Brave enough.

It’s the hormones. Sorry.

Btw, now it got into my head the idea that I might be having twins. And I only have one name picked yet. Completely different from everything I shared so far, as favorite names. I had a dream in the night before seeing the first faint positive, that I was cleaning the house because I was supposed to bring home a baby, whose name I knew in that dream. It’s amazing.

The father just replied. Not mine… Theirs. :)) He wrote me just one single word “Patience”. Now I feel so much better. :))) Not because he replied, but because it’s so fun to watch his reaction each time I’m saying I might be having twins. Wouldn’t that be awesome? To recover also what I lost 2 years ago. This is my way of dissolving anxiety – by expressing even the craziest thing that stresses my mind. I don’t give a czech crown if it’s real or not. I’m a creative person.

And.. Mind you… At first, everything, was just a thought.

Potatoes..

Last night I dreamed I was at the country-side and there was a lady who asked me if she can take few potatoes, for her work. I was a bit reluctant, knowing that the pantry was my mom’s jurisdiction and I didn’t know how she might react if people were snooping around there and taking stuff without her knowledge.

In the end I allowed her take a couple of them and she took them, put them in the juice maker and then she drank the juice right there on spot. Weird…

And then after other dreams, I came back there, because I found out they want to sell the property. And they wanted to sell it to a guy I met in real life, but I haven’t seen in more than a year and… Anyway, let’s say I’m a bit upset with him. So when I found out my parents want to sell to him I went crazy. No way! I’m also entitled to inherit this, someday, so I will not accept to sell it.

They said they want to buy it because it was discovered,  through some very advanced deep ground scanning, that there are some old ruins and very important artefacts and treasures below it. So they wanted to destroy everything, to excavate for them.

I didn’t believe anything. Then my dad took me in some darker room, took out a bucket of potatoes and broke one in half. In the middle was the most amazing silver necklace with red rubies. So many rubies that some even fell on the ground at lifting it up but it was divine. My mom took this one.

And then dad broke another potatoe and inside of that was a sweet princess hair-net type, with tiara, made out from delicate silver necklace, but this one had sapphires attached to it. I was looking really like a princess with that thing on, over my very long blonde hair (it was my dream, right? :D)

And then the time came to see the buyer. He came with his father. But when the guy showed up he was looking much younger than I knew him. And it felt weird, so I tried to explain to the dad that I have met his son again, but in the future.

Yeah.. Dreams. On the other hand, my sleeping pattern has shifted recently. I’m so tired in the evening that I fall asleep at 9:30 or 10. And then I wake up at 6:00 or 6:30 and I don’t know what to do with myself so early in the morning.

Yesterday evening I felt very restless and energised at around 8ish and I decided the best way to consume my energy was karaoke. Yeah. I sang for almost one hour until my tablet’s battery discharged and I was too lazy to go to the room and plug it. Oh yeah, I like singing in the corridor, on the stairs, because of the acoustics. 🙂

Regarding the being brave topic, I keep seeing || and I went for blood test yesterday, HCG was 293, which is consistent for 16 DPO. And there was nothing visible yet. I was put again on Utrogestan, it made me nausea only when I heard the name. So yeah… I have another appointment next week to check if by then it will be something visible. So I have to patiently wait until then.

I was having a plan to fly to RO this weekend, to go again to that office to renew my driver’s licence, which is now effectlively expired. But I cannot afford long travel at this point, will see how things look in the next weeks and praying this time I’m successfully graduating into the 2nd trimester. Now I’m dreaming of seeing a little heartbeat, hopefully in a couple of weeks or so.

Being Brave

So I’ve been seeing double for the past couple of days now. : D First visible one happened on Friday evening, in yoga camp. I take it as a sign. It started very faintly, but got slowly darker day by day. Still a couple of days more to get to the same intensity as my first ever BFP, two years ago, but that time I was already 3 days late when I had my first test. Today I’m even 1 day before.

I’m enjoying the present and also sharing my gratitude to all the stories and experiences on all forums and blogs I’ve been reading lately, in the end they all had a positive outcome, in a way or another, which kept me hopeful. And also made me feel that I’m not alone and I’m not unusual for feeling the way I feel and for wanting to know as much as possible about the whole process. There are still way too many things that nobody is telling you and you end up feeling lost and not understood. Yeah, for some comes harder than for others and they get to learn so many detailed things in between.

I just had a boiled egg for breakfast, it had a faint taste of mustard 😀 Mom said I might’ve boiled them too much. Better too much than too little. I started on B9, 2 per day for the past week.

No matter the outcome, I’m enjoying the feeling, especially knowing that things can go wrong, I want to allow myself to be as happy and excited as possible, as long as the things go right. Now I’m Brave, I think this is what I was lacking last time. I was too scared and not even knowing how to express it. I was not even knowing that I am allowed to express it. Now, I have found my voice and I don’t give a dime of what others think. Nobody is forcing you to read my blog if you don’t like what you read.

Life is too short to hold off feeling excited and after intensively testing like a million time in the past 6 months, I finally have my BFP. Which is a serious reason to congratulate myself. It means that something IS working right. I mean, it’s a miracle if you think about it, all life, every living cell of your body is a miracle.

This time I’m not letting anxious feelings overcome me, I am aware of what is in my control and what is out of my control. And for the time being, being happy and hopeful is under my control. And eating healthy. Zero alcohol and reducing coffee to half the amount as usual. (Two small instant coffees with a lot of milk in them). Basically that’s all I can do for now.

Last time I promised to myself that when it will happen again I’m not going to miss anything and I will share all the journey with all ups and downs from Day 1. I’m not gonna hold anything inside. So, let the journey start!

Whenever, wherever

Regarding the TTC process, nothing yet. I had a routine check this morning (Later edit: I was assigned to the same lady as two years ago and this time I went alone, which was a bit confusing because she talked too much and I didn’t understand everything… Now, thinking back, remembering… I’m starting to feel anxiety that if things turn | | and I go to the same one again, the same history might repeat. 😦 )

You know, you think you forget the things while time passes, you think you didn’t feel that sad when they went wrong last time, but two years later when you see that you’re still trying and nothing, you kinda start to feel also what you didn’t feel the first time.

They said it’s indeed bit too early to tell.. I should keep testing for like one more week. And the idea of having blood taken to test the HCG didn’t attract me much, today, so I didn’t even suggest it. Anyway, yesterday I was more hopeful, than today when I saw nothing but white instead of the test line.

It was very fun in Prague. The dinner was awesome, the work was also cool in the new office, on Monday we had a meeting room with I, L, and C. And yesterday I was working on hot desks with O. On Monday we’ve been on the roof, on the running track. And L and C even tested the massage facility, I couldn’t, I had a call. And by the end of yesterday my bottom was hurting me unbelievable 😦

Yesterday we tried the canteen downstairs, indian style.. I mean everything smelled curry-ish. It was good. I had fish. Something weird btw, lately I’ve been attracted too much to fish (salmon or white one, those with no bones for ex) than meat. Turkey and chicken don’t like them anymore.. I got bored with them. But I might have to eat some for today…

I have also discovered beef hamburgers, the Deluxe type, from Tesco. In a closed pan cooked with sweet potatoes and then eaten with pickled ginger, they are divine.

So.. That’s it. Just arrived back, at the gate now, and the other half of avocado is begging to be eaten. In my 180 cm bed. Ok, half of it. Where I have my office today.

Cool, we have tomatoes:

20180815_081151~2.jpg

And something else to add.

Somehow I triggered all memories from the last time, starting this morning when the taxi forgot to arrive when it was called by Leo, so I had to wait for 20 min for another order – while my car was sitting alone in the garage – I realized that sometimes you just have to be Brave. By the way, I wrote this paragraph four times and deleted and wrote it again and now I realize I’m experiencing extreme mood changes. Interesting. I’m taking it as a positive sign. 😀

Here we go again

This morning I woke up too early. I mean, at 7:30ish.. But I felt I didn’t get enough sleep. And Bonnie was begging at the door, he wanted out and then I couldn’t fall sleep again. Yesterday morning he left us some presents, two piles of number 2 and one pond of number 1 next to the tub.. Probably as protest, because we didn’t allow him upstairs for the night.

So… I already started testing… Yeah, me = anxious person, prone to developing obsessions. I had a 25 mIU/mL box left from last month, bought it from D&M from Brno in my way from RO… I noticed the strip was wider than usual so I cut it in two :D.. Now I have 4 test strips at the price of 2. Yes, I took the addiction to a whole new level.

Anyway, there was no shade of a 2nd line, not even under microscope. X. Infrared. Gamma rays. Joking. But I did keep it for 2h before throwing it, hoping at least to see a lousy evaporation line. Nothing.

Anyway.. Today I’m going to Dr Max and I’ll buy 5 boxes of their branded ones, 49 czk for pack of 2 with 10 mIU sensitivity. The advantage is I can buy them with Flexi points. But I started to feel awkward so I’m always checking to see if it’s the same lady as last time.

In RO they were also asking me questions.. Gossip much? Do I look like a scared teenager? They were looking weird at me when I was asking which is the sensitivity of the test. I haven’t seen on any lousy test to be written on the box.. I mean, people.. This is basic info, it should be mandatory to be written with big font on each box. So I had to search online for the brand and type. Still.. I found them in supermarket two times cheaper than in the pharmacy.

So, the 10 mIU are much better for the early detection, theoretically they can show it 3 days before the 25 mIU ones. I’m taking the challenge, I wonder if I can cut these also in halves . :)) Actually, not much funny. But, considering how much money I spent last month while in RO, I realized my addiction is competing with a severe smoker’s addiction, cost related.

Can you imagine I bought a pack of 2 plastic covered ones from Viena’s airport with 16 eur? I don’t understand the plastic covered ones. Even the digital ones… Not much eco-friendly. In the end the test itself is just that little band strip, which probably costs less than 10% the carton box itself. Including the instructions.

I think they should sell cheaper versions for advanced users. A pack of 20ish stripes in a vacuum transparent bag and that’s it. We know the drill. Wait, maybe they can be bought online.

A.. And yes.. I’m not the only one addicted to this. Just search online “BFP evolution 9 DPO” and you’ll see how many plastic ones have been killed in the process. Yes, 7 DPO is a bit early to start testing but can still show | | when starting HCG is higher, like for multiple,  for example.

Yes, I know I have a problem. Perhaps even more than one. I admit it. But show me at least one person in this decade and this society who has none… C’mon… And I’m almost 35. Some might even say I should’ve started much earlier with this. Like, a decade ago. But back then I had other problems, like finding a decent job… Yeah.. We wanted equality. 😦

And now, if you survived reading until here, I will share something from my dreams. Two nights ago I dreamed I was about to enter some audition for a role, but I couldn’t learn the lines. I was not able to memorize them.. And I was feeling so bad, knowing that he will take the part, as he always does, and we will be separated. And then he started to look nervous and I offered him my hand for support and he took it.

And last night I dreamed I was already in a play, I had my role, it had no words, I was a background character which only had to write some math equations on a big board. But the scene lasted for like 2-3 hours. In the end I started doodling some landscape.. And then I was preparing to color it. At one point he came to me next to the board, our lips touched and.. Cut!! Perfect scene. 😀

Wait wait. Something else I just remembered. I was in the old kitchen from my grandparents, a room where I spent most of my early childhood, that doesn’t exist anymore, but I often dream about it. And there were some coins just floating in the air. 3 or 4, I spotted them. They were czech crowns coins of different values. And then something happened and they all dropped very fast, almost glueing to the floor, but they were much more now, as if they entered from a different dimension and gravity just discovered them. I was picking them up, collecting them in my fist, the majority were 1 or 2 czk but I found also few of 5 and even 10. When I had my fists full I must’ve woken up.

It’s barely 10 am now 😦 I’m still lingering in bed, and now I have to pee. Badly. But I want to write something else. Tomorrow I have to travel to Prague for a team meet&dinner and I have this anxiety that what if this transit will hinder the implantation process.

I’m not even running anymore because I’m scared. Or jumping. Or sudden movements or lifting heavy stuff. I only do some light biking from time to time. Or a lot of walking, if I’m travelling. Yeah, you cannot convince me that I’m worried for nothing. Especially after I lost one already, when the first test I took, 3 days after missing the period, was already very much positive… I want this time to have more time to enjoy it. That time I even crochetted a pair of small new born shoes, vanilla color cotton thread, when I started to feel it’s not evolving as it should, hoping to “convince” it to stay. I still have them in a box. Somewhere.

And regarding alcohol… Yesterday I was in the mood for some wine and I had a small glass of white one with the lunch. I even tested before, to be sure. But tomorrow night I might have to drink at least a cup, along with the team and I feel uncomfortable, in case I need to come up with explanations while I prefer to avoid it. Will see… How tomorrow morning’s test will look like. And how I will feel when I wake up, at 5 AM, considering that even now I still feel drowsy, after coffee and breakfast. Which makes me think.. I’m hungry again. Maybe there is also some coffee left… my ears are still ringing, probably I have very low blood pressure this morning.

They shouldn’t have seen us!

How to put this nicely… Well… It seems that my own dreams are sabotaging me.

I have intruders in my own lucid dreams!

So, I was involved in a very passionate encounter, like usual, everything was going so well, very detailed sensations. He was on top, we were preluding etc.

But, while I was struggling to unbuckle his belt, some neighbors showed up and wanted to entry the building and they somehow felt disturbed by us.

Surprisingly they were on the same plane of reality as the frame of my dream, they were able to see us and feel us, not just to pass by like holograms, as I was expecting.

You see? It doesn’t make sense.

It was MY lucid dreaming, I knew where we were, on the asphalt in front of the appartement building where I grew up, but I also knew that nobody else should see us and if we ignore them they will go away and let us continue. It was my invented reality, capisci?

But still… we got interrupted. And then I semi woke up and I couldn’t connect back. 😦

You see… about more than 10 years ago, when I started to interest myself with my spiritual development, I went to some classes of Energetics or whatever they were called.. It sounded very interesting to learn how to access different planes of reality.

And they told me I don’t need to work on opening because I’m already open. From the Mother Nature. Probably from birth. My 3rd Eye.. or whatever is called (if really exists) is already active. And they also told me that my main focus should be on acquiring proper Protection and Grounding, because being open all the time I’m like a lighthouse, standing out from the darkness of the unconscious and both good and bad entities can easily find me and use my energy.

Yes, now I don’t believe this either, I think it only makes me appear funny when I mention these, probably because now I’m too rooted into the material reality. Or maybe the Confidence that I achieved from living these 10 more years on this planet are enough Protection.

But.. What I don’t understand or don’t want to understand, is why my lucid dream got interrupted. 😦 So it seems I have a Security Breach.. In my Confidence shield.

Or maybe the other participant of the dream was also experiencing network connectivity issues, due to high heat lately and forgot to turn on the AC.

Funny, right?! I want my dream back. :unsatisfied face:

About micellar water and hyaluronic acid

Nothing, I just wanted these words also on my blog, hoping of appearing more fancy. I hope I spelled them right. 😀

If I think that these are a waste of… everything… it means I’m a bad person? Am I a bad person if I think that I can live also without them?

Sure, I never used any of them, from what I know… unless they were hidden in my usual face cream or shower gel.

Sure, I don’t even know what they are about, I’m just saying… I mean writing.

It’s like you cannot go in any shop these days and not having to see an ad or promo to one of these. And they are not that cheap anyway. Not that I couldn’t afford them, is just that Why would I buy them?! Know what I’m sayin’?

I mean, I feel completely indifferent to them. Am I bad for not using them? Will I die ugly and alone? 😀 (Uglier… Surprisingly, but I think my face is getting nicer with the years passing.. I like it more than 10 years ago, for example. Or maybe is just the selfie technology that’s improving.)

Ok, ok.. I’m joking. Maybe.

Ok, ok, with my Flexi points for this month, I will head to the nearest online pharmacy and purchase for myself one of each of these products.

And then I hope I will stop seeing them first thing in the morning and last thing before going to bed.

O, God, what have I done…

It’s like trying to fight with astrology. Molecular gastronomy, they say.. #onemoremonth #dreamingaboutmyaward #survivingaddiction

Now, seriously, I think I had too many carbs for dinner today. I’m bursting of joy on the inside. For no reason.

Already?

This week went so fast. :undecided face:

Yesterday evening, during dinner, my Zubat was running by me his plans for the next days: tomorrow evening we meet the Veverka family at Tom’s, then we have open air cinema, on the football field next to the church (aka the Pokemon Gym), then the next day we take bikes and go to river, then late lunch at some terasse restaurant..

And I was like:

“Wait, you have off on Friday? I cannot bikes, I’m working!”

“Honey, tomorrow is Friday, then comes Saturday. Saturday we go bikes.”

“Wait, what? No, tomorrow is Thursday. Today is Wednesday, right?”

… Yeah… Anyway… Year-closing is bad for health.  And it was so incredibly hot this week.

Last night I was having nightmares, I felt very restless when I went to bed, I took one Mg pill, then I was dreaming about Excel sheets and Missing Time Reports following and suffocating me.

I woke up at 2 AM burning hot and with a headache. 27 degrees in the room. We opened the window from the forest and let it open all night. Barely after employing one wet towel to cover my legs, took one nurofen and one litre of water without breathing, I finally was able to fall asleep peacefully.

Then Bonnie woke us up, begging at the dormitory door, to be let out. No, wait, that was yesterday morning.

Wait. My Zubat is drunk (after 3 draft czech beers) and wants to eat me alive. In public!

Can’t stand these seagulls anymore

Inverness is 10% Churches and Funeral Services and 90% Hotels and Guest Houses. And way too many seagulls. And they are making sooooo much noise. 😀

We had an awesome trip on Skye yesterday, half of day rainy and windy, and then, in the way back, only sun. And today Zubat’s friend picked us up and drove us to a fruit farm, where we hand-picked our raspberries and strawberries and we bought also a huge home-made vanilla ice cream cone. Each. And we ate them on the beach. Until the very fine sand, blown by the wind, contaminated them.

The water was cold, North Sea.. what can you expect. I only dared to get in it until the knees and walked along the shore in the search for stones and sea shells. But the guys had bigger guts 😀 They went for a swim, in their undies, while I was taking pictures and laughing at them.

But what I actually wanted to write.. when I had no more patience, I forwarded in my book to read only the scenes with Bree and Roger and not little was my disappointment when I discovered I only had the 1st volume.. And couldn’t find the translation also for the 2nd part.. So I started reading spoilers on wikia. Which led me to the 5th book… So when I go back home I have to start reading my paper version of The Fiery Cross in the original language.

Funny thing – in the train from FM to Ostrava, when we started our trip, I saw a lady wearing the same exact model of sport shoes and they were less worn than mine… so I took the hint.

And I said goodbye to my old sport shoes, the ones with blue, grey and violet, and fed them to Nessie… they were not broken or anything, they just got deformed due to intensive use, I had them for 2 and 1&2 years and I was starting to feel pain in my toes. The best shoes I ever had in my life. I took also the pink ones with me, as back up, in case they will get wet and I will not have where to dry them.. I was definitely not expecting beach weather. And in Edinburgh we caught only a wee bit of rain until we got inside.

And Leo bought me a lovely cashmere scarf. Enough gift for my next 5 birthdays :)) And we met a family of Romanian people in the gift shop. Cool tripatko. Starting to feel sorry for getting back on Saturday, but we still have one more trip for tomorrow and a nice pub to discover for dinner today. And I’m thinking of having some Seagull stake. Joking. Some local fish stake.

Update: turns out we ended up in Morrisons and we bought dinner from scratch. I had a Caesar salad so delicious, with toasted bread, 240g of chicken breast and local cheese, not even Caesar himself had the chance to taste. Total of £4. With a starter of 1 & 1/2 Nurofen… Sudden Headache… And no more alcohol today. 😀